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When Should My Daughters Be Bathing Without My Supervision?
Filed under: Opinions
Dear AdviceMama,
I'm a single full-time father of three girls (ages, 7, 6, and 3). Their mother left us, so it's just me and the kids. I bathe all three of them in the tub at once; it's quicker, saves on water, and we all sing songs, so it's kind of fun. My question is, when do I begin to let the older children bathe on their own? I figured I would keep it up until one of the girls mentioned they wanted to try it on their own. If they are comfortable with it and I am comfortable with it, I don't see much of a problem. So, regardless of how much we all may love bath time together, when should I push them to be a little more independent and start washing their own hair? Any feedback would be great!
Signed,
Mr. Clean
Dear Mr. Clean,
Bath time at your house sure sounds like a lot of fun! (And conservationists will be happy to hear that you're saving water!) I think it's great that you're finding ways to incorporate connection and play into your daily rituals, and that you're also sensitive to the fact that sooner or later, your girls will want -- and need -- more privacy when they bathe.Children should be supervised in the bath or shower until they are at least 6 years old, depending, of course, on their maturity. Supervising a child in the bath doesn't, however, mean that you should do for them what they can do for themselves.
While your daughters may need help with shampooing till they're 6 or 7 (or a bit older), by the time they're 4 or so they should be cleaning themselves with a soapy washcloth. Washing hair is difficult for a child. Make sure they use a no-tears shampoo so they can brave the task without stinging eyes. All three girls may need your help with the rinsing, but I would start encouraging your two older daughters to begin trying to shampoo their own hair. Here are some tips to keep in mind as your girls become more independent in the shower or bath:
• When your girls start asking to bathe by themselves, keep the bathroom door open and stay within earshot.
• Don't assume that your girls are safer if they bathe or shower with a sibling. Horsing around can lead to slips and falls.
• Scalding is a real hazard. Teach them to always turn the cold water on before the hot, and to turn off the hot water before shutting off the cold. Run the water for them for a while as they watch so they can learn how to do this carefully.
• Make sure you have a good bath mat to avoid slipping and sliding.
• Teach them to count down from 15 when they rinse their hair in the shower, or to pour 15 cups of water on their heads to ensure the shampoo is rinsed out. (You can give your daughters a plastic visor to keep the water out of their eyes.)
Keep up the good work, Dad, and under your loving care your daughters will surely turn out to be fine -- and clean -- young women.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
I'm a single full-time father of three girls (ages, 7, 6, and 3). Their mother left us, so it's just me and the kids. I bathe all three of them in the tub at once; it's quicker, saves on water, and we all sing songs, so it's kind of fun. My question is, when do I begin to let the older children bathe on their own? I figured I would keep it up until one of the girls mentioned they wanted to try it on their own. If they are comfortable with it and I am comfortable with it, I don't see much of a problem. So, regardless of how much we all may love bath time together, when should I push them to be a little more independent and start washing their own hair? Any feedback would be great!
Signed,
Mr. Clean
Dear Mr. Clean,
Bath time at your house sure sounds like a lot of fun! (And conservationists will be happy to hear that you're saving water!) I think it's great that you're finding ways to incorporate connection and play into your daily rituals, and that you're also sensitive to the fact that sooner or later, your girls will want -- and need -- more privacy when they bathe.Children should be supervised in the bath or shower until they are at least 6 years old, depending, of course, on their maturity. Supervising a child in the bath doesn't, however, mean that you should do for them what they can do for themselves.
While your daughters may need help with shampooing till they're 6 or 7 (or a bit older), by the time they're 4 or so they should be cleaning themselves with a soapy washcloth. Washing hair is difficult for a child. Make sure they use a no-tears shampoo so they can brave the task without stinging eyes. All three girls may need your help with the rinsing, but I would start encouraging your two older daughters to begin trying to shampoo their own hair. Here are some tips to keep in mind as your girls become more independent in the shower or bath:
• When your girls start asking to bathe by themselves, keep the bathroom door open and stay within earshot.
• Don't assume that your girls are safer if they bathe or shower with a sibling. Horsing around can lead to slips and falls.
• Scalding is a real hazard. Teach them to always turn the cold water on before the hot, and to turn off the hot water before shutting off the cold. Run the water for them for a while as they watch so they can learn how to do this carefully.
• Make sure you have a good bath mat to avoid slipping and sliding.
• Teach them to count down from 15 when they rinse their hair in the shower, or to pour 15 cups of water on their heads to ensure the shampoo is rinsed out. (You can give your daughters a plastic visor to keep the water out of their eyes.)
Keep up the good work, Dad, and under your loving care your daughters will surely turn out to be fine -- and clean -- young women.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
12-29-2009 @ 4:26PM
luna lovegood said...i would say around the age of 6 and 7 because even though it may be fun, to spend time with ur kids, they need their privacy, and by the age of like, 6, they will probably want privacy and not want u in there, plus, when they r not taking baths, teach them how to wash there hair by modeling it on a doll or somthing
Reply
1-02-2010 @ 4:27PM
omano said...Sir, you asked which means you care. That will guide you. I must say that dirty thoughts from others aside, children don't think the way adults do. Let Dr. Spock and your Children guide you.
1-02-2010 @ 5:00PM
TweetDeckTV said...My Father raised my sisters and I on his own for several years, and did a great job. I've also been a professional governess for many years, so my advise is:
Let the 6 and 7 year-olds bathe themselves. Running their bathwater yourself while they observe is a good idea. Make sure the water heater is set to 130 degrees to prevent scalding. Check on them every 4 minutes - if they are singing in the tub, this is easier.
Offer the older girls a beauty salon "make-over" if their hair is long. They can pick a hairstyle from http://www.kids-hairstyles.com/girls/ and print out a photo to take to the salon. Promise them a nail polish of their choice for their salon manicure. If they get a medium-length cut, it will last longer than a very short cut, and the salon can style it fancily on their initial makeover day. If they are hesitant to cut their hair, suggest they donate it to http://www.locksoflove.org/ . Be sure the girls use a gentle shampoo, AND a detangling spray or rinse, which will enable them to dry and style their hair themselves.
Go Daddy, go!
1-31-2010 @ 2:34AM
jlynn said...Lots of good advice here! One idea is to start teaching your oldest to bath not only herself but the younger ones. Once they start seeing how their older sis is doing "big kid" stuff, they will want to follow in right behind her. Of coarse, make sure she knows what clean is before leaving them in her care for cleaning. And as always, I'm sure no one has to tell you this, but keep a close eye and ear out for them if you do decide to leave them to themselves.
12-30-2009 @ 1:33AM
Noemi said...Hi. First of all I want to give props to Mr. Clean for raising 3 girls on his own. I'm also the oldest of 3 who my dad raised(with help from my grandmother). I have a 9 year old and a 7 year old stepdaughter. I started teaching my daughter to wash herself and to have privacy since she was very young, because I was molested when I was little and didn't know I needed privacy. U never know if something is going to happen to u (knock on wood) or u need time to urself and they have to stay with a relative or friend, and u cant trust everyone 100%. They should learn about privacy, because they probably wont want privacy til they are older. They need to learn about "good and bad touch" from a young age. Its messed up but its true. but i think u should teach all three girls privacy. but the two older girls can be coached into washing their hair and let them know that daddy isnt always gonna be there helping them because they are turning into big girls and should do it all by themselves. But I think that was the only mistake my dad made with me and my sisters not teaching us about privacy.
Reply
12-30-2009 @ 6:13PM
supermom said...teach them how to scrub the roots of their hair with their fingers so their hair is done well and wont still look oily when it dries. as for washing out the soap, they can test their own hair to see if its 'squeaky clean' by pulling a few strands and listening for the 'squeaky' noise
Reply
12-29-2009 @ 7:55PM
deanna said...i would say no later then 8. i think i was on my own around 7 . things start to change at 9-10, that may make you uncomfortable being thier father. i have 2 boys and my husband told me in a couple of years i am never to just open the door on them, i have to knock at ALL times. lol good luck.
Reply
1-30-2010 @ 10:56PM
Kimberly said...I think children should be taught to ALWAYS knock before entering any room with a closed door starting at a very early age and it is only fair for the parents to ALWAYS knock as well before entering, including your childrens' bedrooms, out of respect for your children and as a way to model polite and appropriate behavior. That being said, as a parent you need to keep an eye on your children and for most children the door to a child's room should not be shut if they are five yrs old or less. As for the father bathing his girls, I completely agree with the article, girls should begin washing their own bodies very young, helping at ages two and three and on their own by age four, and age 7 is a good age to start giving them more privacy and yet be near for appropriate assistance, especially with the hair. Good article.
12-29-2009 @ 11:08PM
MarcysMom said...I'm impressed with Mr Clean raising his daughters and taking every moment he can to bond with them...I think that's wonderful...and I think he has the right idea...one of the girls will let you know when she's uncomfortable...as Deanna said, probably around 9-10 when they're more aware of their body...but as long as everyone is comfortable and it's fun, I say go for it ! Family time right before bedtime is the best ! Good luck !
Reply
12-30-2009 @ 7:00AM
Ed Wilson said...Deanna, you are your boys enemy. Of course you should knock.
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1-02-2010 @ 6:02PM
Martesa said...Ed -- What a mean-spirited thing to say, that she is her boys' "enemy"! She is their mother, who loves them, and whom I am sure they love! You have no idea of how old her boys are right now. Yes, of course a parent should teach a child that it's proper to knock before entering a room, but you could say it in a much nicer way! She is in no way their "enemy." Depending on their current age, "privacy" may be too vague a concept, but in time they certainly need to learn those boundaries, and she will have to respect them. However, there is no excuse for the ignorant way in which you responded to her. Your comment is appalling!
1-02-2010 @ 3:58PM
anna said...Dear Dad, I am a girl so I can understand your dilemma. My best advice is to talk with any female members of your family, as they know you and your girls the best. Women can also help with Puberty questions ETC. I do think your oldest should be showering or bathing by herself but that is just an outside opinion. Good Luck you sound like a great dad.
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1-02-2010 @ 4:30PM
druid0621 said...God bless this guy! I raised one boy with help from my parents, and that was hard enough. Girls would have been much more challenging for me.
Reply
1-02-2010 @ 5:20PM
Melanie said...Ed: & Mr. Clean
ED: I can't help but wonder if your "Mom" unwittingly busted you in the bathroom during puberty. No Mother means to intrude on that fragile time in a young man's life. Ed, I'm SURE it was just a mistake on her part. Look inside yourself for forgiveness. Then your OBVIOUS anger toward WOMEN will dissipate. If you are NOT a single parent, then you have NO CLUE what Mr. Clean is all about. Therefore, YOU SHOULD NOT CAST DISPERSIONS on him. He sounds like a FINE man to me. :) MR. CLEAN: I am the single mom of a 9 year old boy, and he doesn't seem to be aware at ALL about his body. He STILL wants to bathe with me & he doesn't "understand" why I am telling him it's not right for a boy of his age to want to still bathe with "Mommy" in the room. It's up to ME as his parent to educate HIM on what is appropriate without damaging his ego or making anything seem weird or "wrong" somehow. It is VERY much a "Tight Rope" issue. He's very much an "OPEN DOOR" kind of kid, so when that door begins to close, I will know it's time for him & his privacy. There are many dynamics about his "Dad" that have affected him on SEVERAL issues. His dad abandoned him at the age of 1. He has self-esteem, abandonment & confidence issues. Always wonders if he is lovable. I have him in counseling. Bath time for the single Dad of three girls has probably just evolved into what it has become... an innocent simple bathing "ritual" . It's natural and healthy for him to have the where-withall & awareness as a man with three girls and the good sense to seek advice from others in a similar "boat" with him. A VERY good friend of mine at church said, when they get this weird look about bathing, you know it's time to let them bathe on their own. As for the rinsing of the hair, what I do is I let him do most of it & then he will call me and I keep the shower curtain closed and I reach for the hair and swish my HAND ONLY (kinda blindly) through the hair to make sure all soap is out. Then I step back out of the bathroom & he knows I'm gone and then he goes on with his bathing. Before the shower / bath starts I lay the towel, clean underwear & some clothes on the toilet seat so it's easy access to him & he doesn't emerge without being properly clothed. It's working so far. I applaud you seeking advice on this delicate matter. It shows immense CHARACTER on your part.
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1-30-2010 @ 10:51PM
Nancy said...You talk too much.
1-30-2010 @ 11:26PM
Lucy said...I have a problem with you still washing your boys hair. Some of the statements in your comment sent out red flags. Did you ever hear of Little League,Soccer, Basketball? These things are all male dominated and in EVERY community across our nation. Along with counseling, he should be doing boy things where males are able to answer questions and lead him in a good direction. I think YOU have issues and need to address them as well. I am a single parent of 4. My oldest is disabled. I taught my boys how to pee, bathe, and lift. I taught my girls how to shampoo, wipe and bathe, and tend to monthly happenings. When each of my boys showered and washed their hair for the first time alone, They got a bottle of cologne and pizza. When my girls did it, they got body spray and pizza. They were all 6 yrs old when they bathed alone for the first time. Shower curtain pulled closed, Me on the toilet seat until done. Once they were out of the tub, I left the bathroom. Nothing unsafe or X-RATED here. Good Luck Mr. Clean and God Bless you. Girls NEED their DADDYS more than you know. BOYS NEED THEIR DADDYS TO BECOME THE MEN THEY SHOULD BE. MISSING DADDYS ARE COWARDS OF LIFE AND LOSE THE TITLE DADDY. They become SPURM DONORS!
1-31-2010 @ 2:29AM
Teresa said...Melanie,
You have a kind and empathetic way of supporting this gentleman with his query, and show sensitivity and strong parenting skills in raising your son. Not only do I parent boys, but am a teacher, and I appreciated reading your response!
1-31-2010 @ 5:20AM
laurie said...Melanie, I think you sound like a very caring mom and thats what I beleive truely raises a nice young man. Your right, its a tragedy that people make something nasty out of something innocent. Of course we have to very diligently protect our kids from predators but if a mom or dad is innocently caring for their child, then its INNOCENT, bottom line. It is ridiculous for people to make everything sound like theres something wrong with a situation. As a mom i have to be there for my child when ever they need me. My parents actually made me grow up to feel very shameful of the human body which affected me for many years. I remember my mom making a big scene when i was 5 a kid and walked in on my dad peeing. He wasn't doing anything perverted, he was just peeing, geese! She made me feel so embarressed. We should never raise our kids to feel ashamed,.. for all we know, one day we may need them to wipe "our" behinds!! lol
1-25-2010 @ 5:07PM
Melanie said...That's EXACTLY what's wrong with the youth of today...YOUR disgusting suggestion. UGH! Perv.Pedophile
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1-02-2010 @ 7:41PM
Martesa said...Mr. Clean:
It is very clear that you are a wonderful, loving father. I commend you on your awareness of your girls' eventual need for privacy. I have seen some studies quoted that say a girl's self-esteem is based on how her father treats her (ie, if she is praised by her father for her looks, she will think that is where her worth lies; if she is praised for her talents, or kind acts, etc, then she will see herself as valuable beyond just outward appearances). It is obvious from your letter how important your girls are to you, and you to them. With the kind of love and insight you have shown in this simple letter, I know your girls will grow up into fine young ladies, knowing they are loved and valued. God bless your for doing such a fine job. Your girls are very lucky to have you.
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