One Sibling Hits Another - How Bad?

I don't agree with trying to change the subject when the kids are getting on each other's nerves. The kids need to learn how to resolve their issues, and this will never happen if the parents keep distracting them from this goal.

What I have done is physically separated the kids just enough to prevent impulsive fisticuffs, and helped to guide their reasoning toward a solution.

I never assume only one is at fault; in fact, that is very rarely the case. If I haven't witnessed the whole episode myself, I won't even give consequences other than taking something away from both kids equally. I focus more on encouraging the girls to demand that other children - siblings, classmates, whoever - respect their persons. We talk about how they should warn aggressors off in a strong, assertive voice, then let the adults decide what, if anything, to do after that.

I take this approach because my girls are now of the age when they are quite capable of applying self-control to keep themselves out of trouble, with occasional reminders. And they don't get physical without provocation.

When they were younger, one or the other would occasionally hit out of general frustration (not in retaliation). When this happened, my reaction was pretty strong, because I wasn't about to let them develop that kind of habit. I don't believe it's right to react mildly when one child uses violence with the intention to abuse or control another. That sends a lukewarm message to the hitter, and even worse, a message to the victim that it's OK for hm/her to be hit, bitten, whatever (and to hit, bite, etc. in return).

I'm not fond of the "we don't __" reasoning. I mean, who is "we"? Am I on the same level as my kid? Do I only get to prohibit acts that I don't do? What if I do reserve the right to spank? Do kids even register "we don't" as being the truth (pertaining to parents)? The other day I caught myself saying "we don't __" when it was something I indeed do (touch a non-child-safe product). Seems more meaningful just say "you may not ___."

Reply

I don't agree with trying to change the subject when the kids are getting on each other's nerves. The kids need to learn how to resolve their issues, and this will never happen if the parents keep distracting them from this goal.

What I have done is physically separated the kids just enough to prevent impulsive fisticuffs, and helped to guide their reasoning toward a solution.

I never assume only one is at fault; in fact, that is very rarely the case. If I haven't witnessed the whole episode myself, I won't even give consequences other than taking something away from both kids equally. I focus more on encouraging the girls to demand that other children - siblings, classmates, whoever - respect their persons. We talk about how they should warn aggressors off in a strong, assertive voice, then let the adults decide what, if anything, to do after that.

I take this approach because my girls are now of the age when they are quite capable of applying self-control to keep themselves out of trouble, with occasional reminders. And they don't get physical without provocation.

When they were younger, one or the other would occasionally hit out of general frustration (not in retaliation). When this happened, my reaction was pretty strong, because I wasn't about to let them develop that kind of habit. I don't believe it's right to react mildly when one child uses violence with the intention to abuse or control another. That sends a lukewarm message to the hitter, and even worse, a message to the victim that it's OK for hm/her to be hit, bitten, whatever (and to hit, bite, etc. in return).

I'm not fond of the "we don't __" reasoning. I mean, who is "we"? Am I on the same level as my kid? Do I only get to prohibit acts that I don't do? What if I do reserve the right to spank? Do kids even register "we don't" as being the truth (pertaining to parents)? The other day I caught myself saying "we don't __" when it was something I indeed do (touch a non-child-safe product). Seems more meaningful just say "you may not ___."

Reply