New Year's Resolutions For Kids

Filed under: Opinions


Why is it only grownups who are supposed to go virtuous when January rolls around? This year, let's give some resolutions to the ones who really need to change. (And sometimes need a change as well.)

BABY RESOLUTIONS:

From now on, I, your baby, resolve to sleep through the night and through quite a bit of the morning, too. And I vow, it won't cut into my nap time, nosiree!

If I feel the need to scream, I will wait till the non-stay-at-home parent comes home.
I will stop when "House" comes on.When being diapered, I will lay naked, at one with the pad, channeling my inner yogi. The idea of peeing at that very moment won't even occur to me.

At least, not very often.

Unless I'm a boy.

When I am finally old enough to bring a spoonful of mush to my own mouth without assistance, I will respect the relative cleanliness of the walls, the ceiling, my mother's hair and my own, if I have any. The spoon shall go food-mouth, food-mouth until the meal is completed or I do something cute, like bouncing in my highchair. After I have put down my spoon, of course.

TODDLER/PRE-SCHOOLER RESOLUTIONS:

When bumping into furniture I will not bump into the corner of the file cabinet, which is really sharp, but into the corner of the coffee table instead, which is covered with scrunchy foam, making the experience startling, but not worthy of prolonged wailing.

If I want to borrow a friend's toy, I will do this by asking, rather than by using said toy to beat my friend unconscious.

When I draw a portrait of my family, I will include my brother.

I will try to get my shoes on in a timely manner.

OLDER KIDS:

I will inform my parents not less than 48 hours before of my needs, including that solid green shirt, green pants and brown scarf for the assembly wherein I am slated to play a singing tree.

Even though it is really fun to say, "Oh crap!" as if I didn't even realize what I was saying, I do realize it's a bad word and I won't do it anymore. Even though it's really fun. Oh crap! I mean – crud! I already told you that!

I resolve to wait several minutes between the time I arrive home and the time I shut my bedroom door for the duration of the day.

During those minutes, I will remove the hair from in front of my face and make some sort of eye contact (after taking off any sunglasses, cap and/or ear buds I may be wearing).

If it is a choice between playing a game on my phone and texting, or attending the christening, wedding or funeral of a relative, I will choose the latter.

In exchange, I reserve the right to choose my own footwear.

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.