My 17-year-old is a wonderful boy, great student -- the only issue is his messy room. Is there a way in which we can agree on him tidying up his room that will work on a regular basis? Is this even important or should we just let it go, as all teenagers are messy? When asked to do this, his reply is "I'll get to it," which never happens, then I will get upset, and it's done, and so on. Thanks!

Some of the questions I get these days are about relatively new issues: "My son won't turn off his video games," or "How can I protect my daughter from inappropriate things on the Internet." But your question is an ancient one, addressing an issue that I suspect has plagued parents forever.

Teenagers are messy. Period. Unless they have friends coming over who are worth impressing, most teens don't even see the mess their parents are complaining about. Chances are, the dirty clothes tangled in his sheets or the clutter on his floor don't even register on your son's radar.

For someone to be interested in solving a problem, they first have to have a problem. Right now, other than a nagging mom, your son doesn't have a problem when it comes to his room.

The solution? Give him a problem!

Now, there are some who would say, "Just close the door and don't go in there! It's his room. Let him keep it the way he wants it." I know quite a few parents of teenagers who adapt this position, choosing to "pick their battles" and let this issue go. My opinion, since you've asked, is that it's important that kids learn to do things that aren't fun, and that since you're providing him with this great room, you get to set a standard of reasonable cleanliness under your roof.

What you don't get to have is his agreement about the necessity of the task. He's entitled to feel it's a complete waste of time to clean his room, just as you're entitled to feel it's important! Come alongside him with a specific request, rather than at him with criticism and complaint, and say, "Honey, I realize you like your room the way it is. As far as you're concerned, it's not a problem to have used Kleenex under the bed or dirty clothes in the corner of the closet. That doesn't work for me. You get to have your opinion, and since I pay for the house, I get to have it reasonably clean. Twice a week I want you to spend seven minutes tidying up your room. Here is a list (provide him with one) of what that includes." (Throwing away trash, changing sheets, etc.) "Provided you do these things on Wednesdays and Saturdays by 9:00 PM (set a specific day and time) you get to...(insert something he does but takes for granted.) If you forget to keep your room up, then that thing is off the table for the week."

Offer your appreciation when he does his seven minutes. If he gripes about it, acknowledge his "pain" and don't lecture. Adolescents have a powerful instinct to resist their parents' points of view, so don't try to change his mind.

Just help him get the job done. Remember, you get to set the standard for basic cleanliness in the house (don't be too fussy!) but he gets to have his opinion about whether it matters. Good luck!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her new book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is now available.

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