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My Teenager Hates To Clean His Room!
Filed under: Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 17-year-old is a wonderful boy, great student -- the only issue is his messy room. Is there a way in which we can agree on him tidying up his room that will work on a regular basis? Is this even important or should we just let it go, as all teenagers are messy? When asked to do this, his reply is "I'll get to it," which never happens, then I will get upset, and it's done, and so on. Thanks!
Signed,
Mom Over the Mess
Dear Mess,
Some of the questions I get these days are about relatively new issues: "My son won't turn off his video games," or "How can I protect my daughter from inappropriate things on the Internet." But your question is an ancient one, addressing an issue that I suspect has plagued parents forever.
Teenagers are messy. Period. Unless they have friends coming over who are worth impressing, most teens don't even see the mess their parents are complaining about. Chances are, the dirty clothes tangled in his sheets or the clutter on his floor don't even register on your son's radar.
For someone to be interested in solving a problem, they first have to have a problem. Right now, other than a nagging mom, your son doesn't have a problem when it comes to his room.
The solution? Give him a problem!
Now, there are some who would say, "Just close the door and don't go in there! It's his room. Let him keep it the way he wants it." I know quite a few parents of teenagers who adapt this position, choosing to "pick their battles" and let this issue go. My opinion, since you've asked, is that it's important that kids learn to do things that aren't fun, and that since you're providing him with this great room, you get to set a standard of reasonable cleanliness under your roof.
What you don't get to have is his agreement about the necessity of the task. He's entitled to feel it's a complete waste of time to clean his room, just as you're entitled to feel it's important! Come alongside him with a specific request, rather than at him with criticism and complaint, and say, "Honey, I realize you like your room the way it is. As far as you're concerned, it's not a problem to have used Kleenex under the bed or dirty clothes in the corner of the closet. That doesn't work for me. You get to have your opinion, and since I pay for the house, I get to have it reasonably clean. Twice a week I want you to spend seven minutes tidying up your room. Here is a list (provide him with one) of what that includes." (Throwing away trash, changing sheets, etc.) "Provided you do these things on Wednesdays and Saturdays by 9:00 PM (set a specific day and time) you get to...(insert something he does but takes for granted.) If you forget to keep your room up, then that thing is off the table for the week."
Offer your appreciation when he does his seven minutes. If he gripes about it, acknowledge his "pain" and don't lecture. Adolescents have a powerful instinct to resist their parents' points of view, so don't try to change his mind.
Just help him get the job done. Remember, you get to set the standard for basic cleanliness in the house (don't be too fussy!) but he gets to have his opinion about whether it matters. Good luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
2-08-2010 @ 1:44PM
Karen Sherr said...I can sympathise with you as I've been there.
I know it's difficult but you just have to really consider if this is a battle worth having - it is his room. As you mention he is a wonderful boy so a messy room isn't the end of the world.
I compromised with my boys. Is your son learning to drive? If so maybe when he 'gets the time' to sort out his room you'll 'get the time' to take him for a drive around. It worked for us!
Good luck.
Reply
2-16-2010 @ 10:10PM
Marti said...Karen:
Actually, it isn't HIS room. It is his parents' room and it is the boy's responsibility to keep it as clean as they ask. Until he pays the mortgage, that's the way it should be.
Having a messy room is disrespectful and shows a gross lack of appreciation for what his parents have given him. Wonderful boy or not, he needs to do what his parents tell him to do. This might not be a battle they want to fight, but if they give up on this one, what's next? Teens are notorious for testing their limits -- budge once and they will continue to test.
2-11-2010 @ 2:42PM
cathy rohrscheib said...just tell the teen if you dont clean your room ill glady do it my self starting by sorting your dresser. nooooooooooooooooooooooo.see how fast the mess is settled
Reply
3-25-2010 @ 3:00PM
layla said...HA! This is the only sensable comment. It works everytime. I know it worked for me!
2-11-2010 @ 4:47PM
Liace said...You should both sign up for scallyroo.com. It's a great site where parents can incentivize their kids with rewards for achieving a goal or task. So if he wants a new video game or wants the keys to the car, you can set up a contract with him that if he cleans his room, you will reward him with such. It is a really neat concept.
Kids check it out here www.scallyroo.com
Parents check it out www.scallyroo.com/parentdashboard.php
Reply
2-15-2010 @ 9:14PM
lea said...reward CRAP! this is something he or she SHOULD be doing. its a rule in the house and rules have to be followed. Rewards is what makes our kids think if they do ANYTHING they should be rewarded. Well it dont work that way.
2-16-2010 @ 10:10PM
Marti said...lea:
I agree. Parents set the rules and those rules should be followed. Not because the child expects a reward, but because he/she respects his/her parents enough to be obedient and to do what he/she is told.
When I was growing up, it was enough for me to hear my mom tell me that she was proud of me for keeping my room clean -- I didn't need a new video game (Atari, actually) or keys to the car (because I actually got a job and worked to pay for my own). I now have two children, both of which are required to keep their rooms clean. When they are grown and don't have houses that look like something from "Hoarders," I hope they are as thankful to me as I am to my mother.
Save the rewards for "extra" stuff -- don't give them out for things that should be done everyday as a chore. Today's kids have too much of a sense of entitlement as it is.
2-15-2010 @ 3:07PM
momma bear said...My mother-in-law-mom to 8 kids -says this: "Just close the door."
Works for us. Unless it gets unsanitary, I just close the door. It saves my sanity and keeps our relationship happy.
Reply
2-23-2010 @ 6:32AM
Karen Sherr said...Hi Marti
I am sorry but I disagree with you. I’m not sure if you have teenagers but respect is a two way issue. Parents need to respect their children too.
Any child, whatever their age, needs to have its own space to enable them to become a separate being to their parents.. With my children their rooms are their space. To me disrespect is if the children are rude to me and doesn’t consist of a messy room. My children know I would rather they told me the truth even if I don’t always approve of what they’re doing. A number of their friends tell their parents only what they want to hear. It’s the same with a messy room, I would rather see things as they are and not have everything covered up.
Respect has to be earned. A parent can’t just dictate to their children and expect respect. As a parent its really important to respect your child and their independence.
Reply
5-28-2010 @ 4:40PM
ronnie said...I don't really care if my children respect me. Life has many challenges. It is our responsibility as parents to teach children to respect themselves , thier belongings , and others. dIrty clothes , trash , and disorganization don't set high standards. If they choose to keep their homes messy , so be it. They paid for it. , same with their clothes ,their car and other belongings, but as long as my children live with me they will abide by my house rules.
Reply
8-09-2010 @ 12:08PM
Stressed said...7 minutes? Just tidy up a few things? That would be a miracle for me. It takes me TWO FREAKIN HOURS to make my mom say: "Ehhh, this is acceptable". Women really do have a rich imagination.... especially for things that are invisible. Aside from that, I also have to clean the house, wash dishes and all that crap.
Now, I'm not complaining about doing it as much as I am about getting constantly criticised for something GOOD. And very thoroughly done. She rarely appreciates anything I do. For example, while other middle-class children with single parents get to go abroad all the summer vacation FOR PASSING THEIR GRADE, WITH BRIBES (this is the typical situation in Romania), I don't get to go to China for two measly weeks of training. In fact, I only get to BE ALLOWED to attend a martial arts class.
The point is, between being constantly criticised and misunderstood and then told that I'M THE ONE PUSHING HER AWAY, I'd rather have her shut up.
Reply
8-09-2010 @ 12:18PM
Stressed said...Also, I couldn't care less whether or not my mother says she's proud of me cleaning my room. I don't need video games or rewards. All I need is some damned well-earned peace. I respect myself and, as such, only feel accomplished when I've done something that can actually make me proud of myself. Physical labor and displays of modesty are not among them. Learning a new language, fixing a computer, kicking a Kung Fu instructor's butt or protecting someone from a bully are things to be proud of.
I never requested that she understand me or respect me, because almost no one does either of them. I'm just asking her to see the PRACTICAL, REAL, MATERIAL truth and shut up. I know women need to take out their stress on everyone but themselves, but if I want to get hurt, I'll go pick on a gang of gypsies on the street. And, hopefully, if she loves me, she'll understand and shut it. She's the last person I need to deal with.
Reply