Parents: Don't Give Up on Abstinence Education

I really like what you said Rachel. Being a young adult committed to abstinence has allowed me to achieve many things that probably went been possible if I had been pre-occupied with sex. I really liked your analogy with smoking and giving your kid a filter. Parents need to talk to their kids about sex because usually they're the most influential people in a child's life. You should check out abstinenceworks.com; it's a great site.

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Rachel - You make excellent points. I wasn't ready until 21 to have sex (and, no, I didn't wait until marriage) - I was just very focused on other things - college, living abroad, running in 10ks, getting ready to go to law school, etc. On several occasions, my mother discussed birth control options with me openly (though I knew she was opposed to premarital sex; she is pragmatic). I knew in high school that my boyfriend and I were definitely too young, too immature to play a grown up game we had no business playing (so he dumped me). I also knew what my parents' expectations were for me and it wasn't sex (esp with all its possible consequences).

I completely agree with you on the mixed message kids get with birth control information they may receive, and that may be confusing, but as a parent, I do plan to cover my bases. Yes, abstinence is the goal (certainly for high school) and I see your point about cigarettes, but I will plan to have an open conversation about birth control with my son whenever it is age appropriate to do so. I will make it clear that if he does have sex, he should use a condom. To me, it's really important to not leave out that important advice. All I can do is explain the options to my son and explain what I recommend. In the end, he will make his own choices, hopefully smart ones, like I did.

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I couldn't agree with you more, Rachel. I think it's very scary that schools are teaching sex education beginning at the age of 10. Pretty soon, Planned Parenthood will want to begin sex ed at 7 or 6 years old. It's seriously getting more and more difficult as a parent to shield our children from what we believe they're not ready to learn/experience. Another reason I'll keep my little girl enrolled in a private Christian school as long as possible. And me and my husband will ensure we're the ones to discuss sex ed (by encouraging abstinence) with our daughter when we believe she's ready.

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Just listened to Elizabeth Cohen explain on CNN how the "abstinence only" study was done and she said that in talking to the kids about abstinence, they DID answer the kids' questions about birth control when the kids asked and gave out accurate information. They also DID NOT come out and say "Don't have sex" but instead explained to kids how sex would get in the way of their goals/achievements and tried to get kids to come to the right conclusion on their own - not have sex.

Ultimately, 33 per cent of those kids (who got the "abstience message") DID end up having sex (compared to the 52 per cent who had the traditional "non abstinence" safe sex talk).

I agree parents shouldn't give up on abstinence messages but I guess the question is this: If your kid is one of the 33 per cent who goes on to have sex, will he/she be having safe sex and what if anything do you think you should do/say about safe sex?

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I can't really understand the focus on all or nothing - as in abstinence ONLY. Why can't they use a common sense approach? It seems to me, as a parent, that any discussion about sex should begin with why it's not good to have sex when you are too young to fully understand all of the ramifications of an active sex life. Then follow with the options for keeping safe if you do decide to have sex.

I certainly don't want Planned Parenthood determining when and how sex ed is taught. They are in the business of providing birth control and abortions so it would not be in their best interest financially to encourage anyone to be abstinent or at least to wait before having sex. Kind of like having Philip Morris run stop smoking programs or Budweiser running an AA meeting.

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Great article, Rachel. I have been paving the way to have "the talk" with our middle school son. I really believe that kids are more reasonable and logical than society acknowledges. To cheapen and dismiss their ability to grasp that abstinence until marriage is the only substantive, successful, meaningful and healthy option is not too high of an expectation for our young people. To prohibit our children from learning about abstinence is not only grossly negligent, it's insulting to their intelligence as well.

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Wow...nearly 200 comments on the article that says abstinence only education doesn't work and only 7 on this one. Guess people only read and comment on what they want to hear.

Abstinence only education used to work extremely well...in our grandparent's generation. We need to figure out what is different (!) these days. It's not the type of education, it's the expectations and support (or lack thereof).

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The only teens who don't get pregnant are the ones who make an educated choice not to get pregnant. Any female of child bearing age should be able to make this choice by being educated on every aspect of the emotional and physical results of sex. This is her RIGHT. Abstinence should be the first option and encouraged STRONGLY but it should not be the only information that they are educated on. It's a simple Health 101 topic...not a moral dilemma.

Sadly, many of the teens who do end up pregnant start having sex with out the proper emotional support and open communication with their family to make wise choices. As a nation and as ADULTS we should be ashamed that we do not provide our daughters the education, examples and moral support to "guide" them and support them, no matter what they decide.

Also, I would like to know the actual statistics of the "Abstinence Only" supporters who were virgins when they married. It's such an unfair hypocrisy to expect of todays young women something we ourselves did not do. This absolute archaic expectation is as old as the writing of the bible....and that's the problem with it. It has never been accomplished or even necessary....

I mean what really is the problem with a mature teen in a committed loving relationship deciding to have sex responsible protected ???? Other then the bible says NO....what about those educated people who do not believe in the bible?

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First of all, I'm in favor of BOTH sex education and abstinence teaching in schools. To skip one or the other is a huge disservice to kids. That said, the results of the new poll on abstinence-only education do not sound promising to me.

The number of teenagers who engaged in sex went down in that study, but what about the number of unintended pregnancies and STDs? I'd have to assume those went up, without any guidance on how to prevent them. In an ideal world, all the kids would wait for adulthood, but in reality, that's not realistic. I've never understood why the subject has to be so all-or-nothing. Seriously: either we have to talk to 10-year-olds about the "pleasures of sex" or no safe sex talk for any students of any age, ever? That's a false choice, from any rational parents' point of view.

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I believe that sex education should begin when your children are born. Crazy, I know but I think that we should be having age appropriate conversations with our kids regarding sex and their bodies. Part of that discussion in my house will be (my son is only a toddler) will be about abstinence.

I will NEVER tell my kids what to do with their bodies but I will always strongly encourage them to remember what their goals and desires are and to balance those with the choices they make every day.

Kids today need to know that the ONLY way to be free of STD's and pregnancy is to abstain. They also need to know that the decisions they make will have an effect on their lives, right or wrong. Most importantly though, we need to remember that whatever choices they make, our support and unconditional love is key. So, as they grow and become adults, when they do decide to have sex, they know that they can come to us and discuss with us why they made the choice and how they're going to keep safe.

It's easy for us, as adults, to ask kids to abstain and treat their bodies like temples. It's much harder for the teenager to understand why this is important. We were all there at one time. While I waited until I was in college, I still didn't always make the right decision where sex was concerned.

I know that it's difficult for kids to reason things out while in the heat of the moment and I want to make sure that the difficult decisions have been reasoned out before they get to that point.

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Where does the idea that sex gets in the way of your goals come from? Reading the comments on here it sounds as if people believe that once a teenager becomes sexually active, he or she will automatically forget the person they are and their interests and just be focused on sex 24/7, and that's just not the case at all! Realistically, if a teenager is in a sexual relationship, the amount of actual vaginal intercourse is very small--at most perhaps once a week or every two weeks. Think about it--how often is your teenager alone with their boyfriend or girlfriend--and I mean utterly alone so that intercourse could take place. For most teenagers that time is rather limited because most teens have other activities after school--sports, theatre, what have you, and they have curfews, and parents and siblings. Speaking as a teenager who had to sneak around to be with her boyfriend, it's not as easy as it sounds. Yes, I was sexually active, but I also knew that I did not want to have a baby because there were several things I wanted to accomplish before doing so. I didn't stop doing the activies I loved doing just because I lost my V-card, and it didn't change the person I was on the inside. Thanks to a combination of Health class, Cosmopolitan, and YM's sex health issue, I was very well versed on the subject of birth control, and very insistant that my partner wore a condom. I absolutely knew the risks involved with sex, and so I made sure that I was safe. Had I only been taught the abstinence education my parents favored, I might have ended up pregnant or worse. Abstinence only is great in theory, but in practice it does a disservice to those it is trying to protect. Simply telling children how to prevent pregnancy and STD's isn't going to turn them into sex crazed maniacs. It is, however, going to help them make a better informed decision when and even if the time comes.

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I am sorry but I find a number of flaws to your argument. Firstly "teen sex and high academic achievement are rarely compatible" I'm sorry but this is just clearly not true, this is just your opinion, could you get any acurate data on this to prove your statement? Speaking as a teenager who has had sex and also hopes to go to university within the next two years to study medicine I am proof that your statement is false. I am in the higher percentage gradewise of my year at school, as are most of my friends who are also sexually active, these are people who have aspirations of going to university to study law, engineering, teaching ect. I do not see how you can come to the conclusion you have. Also you say "common sense tells us that the parents of a sexually active teen weilds less influance over their child" how did you come up with this? I for one respect my parents more for letting me make my own choices in life rather than feeding me this drivel that you are supplying. I believe if you have raised your child right they should respect you and your rules no matter what, this is more about the upbringing of the child than the sexual exploits of the child. Your comparison of sex to smoking, smoking is seriously dangerous to a persons health, no exceptions. However I know sex can be dangerous but if practiced right then can be pleasurable and help you find out more about yourself and your partner. I see no link between sexual activities and the academic achievement of the child.

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I think that the message of 'later is preferable' is a good one. A better analogy than the smoking one would be that of alcohol use. There has long been a misapprehension amongst the open minded, non tea totallers that allowing teenagers to experience alcohol at home in a supervised environment will help them to deal with it in a more responsible way when they are out with their friends and I certainly use to hold this view. Research strongly suggests that this is erroneous thinking and that the longer you delay alcohol consumption in kids, the less alcohol related problems they will have.
Maybe this kind of scientific approach would be a good one ie sure you will start to have sex at some point and when you do ...precautions, self respect, precautions and self respect etc. But if you wait until you are older you will do better in life, know who you are and will make better choices. I think that kids respond well to logic and reason. I don't think that they respond well to hypocrisy (do as I say not as I did) or to purely moral arguments about sex.
I also think that when everything fails and girls fall pregnant they need support to be mothers and not forced to put their children straight into child care and made to work. Mothers should not have to abandon their children just to survive, so the message of standing by them no matter what is a good one.
Cheers
Melanie

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BTW.....Rachel....did you abstain from sex until you were married???????

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I think it's ironic, or bad memory on your part that in a post on 10/29 you kept your daughter out of school because of a sex ed program because you said that it was your job to teach her about sex & her body. So why the double standard if funds are being eliminated for abstinence education and that you blame the Obama administration for eliminating programs in a really narrow article that I guess you found about one states decision on how to use their federal budget. Do you want education or just education that only you agree with? Which is it?

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