Romance Advice for New Parents - Make Date Night a Priority

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts) Feb 12th 2010 12:00PM

Categories: Newborns, Just For Moms, Babies, Just For Dads, Playground Bureau, Sex

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Don't let romance disappear after you have children. Credit: Getty Images

Everyone knows a new baby changes your life, but what parents don't always realize is that it can also change -- and challenge -- your marriage.

Late nights and dirty diapers don't exactly encourage romance, and Dr. Bryce Kaye, relationship expert and author of "The Marriage First-Aid Kit," warns that having a baby triggers actual neurological responses that can make being affectionate toward your partner difficult.

"When a new baby comes on the scene, most people don't plan to manage their emotional states with each other," Kaye tells ParentDish. "They think that merely co-parenting next to each other will get them by. Wrong. It's usually not long before the fighting begins to increase."

But don't panic: Kaye says it is possible to have a romantic, loving relationship even with a newborn in the house. He suggests scheduling a babysitter on a regular basis, leaving the house and avoiding hot-button topics when you do manage to escape for a few baby-free hours.

Date night won't work if couples bring their baggage to the table, so avoid talking about your jobs, problems, your relationship and -- you guessed it -- the kid. And whatever you do, do not talk about the in-laws.

That may seem like it doesn't leave much to chat about, but Kaye has some suggestions for romantic banter.

"How about fantasies, wonders, hopes, dreams, fond memories and the meaning you put on various experiences in your life," he says.

Kaye also doesn't want the terminology to distract couples from getting creative. He recommends calling it "connection time" or "closeness time," or some other term that gets right to the point.

"'Date night' implies that you should be focusing on some activity instead of focusing on each other's thoughts and feelings," he counsels. "Remember, you don't have much time. Make your time count and use high octane."

Moms and dads might feel reluctant -- and guilty -- about leaving their brand-new babies with a babysitter, but there are solutions to that dilemma. Be inventive, like sharing a bubble bath when the baby naps. Do something that gives you some psychological distance from the tasks of child-rearing, even if you are in the house.

As for the guilt, Kaye wants you to get over it.

"As infants grow older, they also need to learn that they can self-soothe in the parent's absence," he says. "They actually benefit from not having their parents constantly tethered to them."

Related: Michelle Obama's Date Night Secret

Comments (4)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Sifrina 2-12-2010 @ 2:02PM

Great post, especially for new parents. Our son is now 7 1/2 and I'd be lying if I said I was ever good about leaving him, especially as a new mom. Now the issue is just a matter of finding time alone with my husband when we aren't falling asleep (usually me). We both work fulltime plus and we get so engrained into our daily routines (like robots). Sometimes it does take a reminder from Grandma that her services are available if we want a date night ("oh yeah, a date!"). Another thing we do is to just try to make those moments we have together as meaningful as possible. This last week we were holed upin the house due to the blizzard but it was really nice to chat (about adult topics) while shoveling by ourselves. Sounds crazy but it was beautiful scenery and 5 plus hours alone together over the course of several days. It was a chance to reconnect and just laugh.

carriemccm 2-16-2010 @ 8:04AM

My husband and I had this problem after we had our daughter. It was really more me than him, he still wanted to have sex but I was not into it. I think there were several reasons, all the usual ones, I was tired, irritable, felt unattractive, low libido. I figured it was a lost cause, I mean how do you resolve a problem with 4 different causes! But, I love my husband and our family and didn't want us to be driven apart.
We were able to get our love life back on track, thankfully! One of my friends recommended a great program... Http://tiny.cc/sexafterpregnancy This program can help to show you how to overcome all obstacles to romance with your significant other after pregnancy, most of which are in your head, lol! If you are a new parent and your love life is on the back burner, you should definitely check it out. Best of luck :)

Candi 2-15-2010 @ 5:53PM

Do you find yourself struggling to find time for yourself and husband? You know, before long work hours and three kids drained you of energy and made you more of a worker bee than a sexual being.

Or how about those romantic weekend get-aways, just the two of you? Romantic gestures from your spouse always made you feel loved and special, and your marriage blossomed with the nurturing, but now you both have neither the time nor the energy.

The nose-to-the-grindstone approach works well as you juggle work and home demands, but it shouldn’t be employed 24/7/365 . . . good mental health requires some restorative time as well. In the long term, if you push through your exhaustion with more and more productivity, your marriage and your positive outlook will suffer . . . the children will observe the difficulties, and they, in turn, will suffer as well. Therefore, it is in everyone’s best interest to give yourself the periodic downtime that you need.

Hiring a babysitter can provide you and your spouse an opportunity to spend some alone-time together, to enjoy some time free of to-do-lists and time demands. Maybe the two of you will do nothing, a blissful absence of activity, but merely sitting in the park and silently watching the world go by. You may spend time doing something relaxing that you both enjoy (perhaps an evening at the opera or taking in a game at the stadium). You might even go on a romantic weekend get-away in time for Valentine’s Day. Whatever it takes for you to recharge your batteries and reconnect as husband and wife, that is what you can do.

Hire a babysitter so that you and your spouse can maintain your marriage and your positive perspective involves good communication between parents and babysitter, just as hiring a babysitter for any other reason requires good communication. Let the babysitter know where you will be and how you can be reached. Ensure that she knows under what circumstances you are (and are not) to be contacted. Give the babysitter an expectation of when she can expect you to return home. Provide the babysitter with emergency medical numbers, food for appropriate snacks, toys or other entertainment that may be planned for the time that she will be with your kids, etc.

Once a trustworthy babysitter is hired, and all the pertinent information has been communicated, you and your spouse can begin to recharge your batteries, breathe fresh life into your marriage, and gain a new perspective on the world. Enjoy!

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Jade 2-23-2010 @ 1:51PM

After giving birth to my daughter about a year ago I thought I would never be in the mood for sex again. My hormones were going crazy! But after a while when the baby got a little bigger my husband started taking me out on dates usually on Thursdays, so we called it our "Crazy Thursday", we would go to dinner have wine (sometimes to much wine) and the sexual feeling came back. But it takes two to make this happen, thanks to my husband for making me feel special and appreciated, or this would have never happened. A very sexual imagination also helps to kick up the sparks in a dragging after baby, sex life (Pick up a sexual romance novel)!!! We also started to work out together which may not sound so sexual but once you do it together it really does work for some.