A Room With A (Point Of) View

by Jeremy Gerard (Subscribe to Jeremy Gerard's posts)
Feb 23rd 2010 6:00PM

Filed under: Siblings, Empty Nest, Opinions, Relationships

Does the grown-up Emily still have dibs on her room? Credit: Jeremy Gerard

Last time Emily came home from college, she busted me for stashing a few pairs of old jeans in the bottom drawer of her empty bureau. She smelled a coup in the offing. Give 'em one drawer and next thing you know they're redecorating and turning your private room, the room you grew up in, into a study-slash-guest-room and "temporarily" storing files on the teeny table you haven't been able to sit at since you were five, as if that mattered.

Besides, she pointed out -- rather unkindly, I thought -- I was as likely to ever fit into those jeans again as she was to get her knees under the teeny table. As if that mattered.Let me tell you about Emily's room. Her mom and I knew we were on the right track, marriagewise, when we separately, somehow, chose the same wallpaper from among hundreds, perhaps thousands, of samples. Emily wasn't even born yet. It's the palest yellow with a delicate, trellis-like floral pattern. It's girly, but not princess-y.

On one wall above her bed, there are 12 framed prints, in three rows of four, of Arthur Rackham fairies. On another is a bulletin board covered with a mix of 8x10 photos of heartthrobs and her BFF (forever indeed, same girl, going back to birth), stuck with multicolored push pins. There's a pale yellow bureau and a bookcase that briefly sparkles like fireflies when the light of the setting sun strikes her collection of miniature glass animals. And there's that spindle-leg table, which Leslie spent weeks lovingly painting and decoupaging.

On the transom above the door, five whimsical, hand-carved letters, gaily painted, spell out her name.

For city dwellers, we're lucky. Both of our kids have their own rooms and Leslie has a separate office in what, at an earlier time, was a maid's room. Still, space is at a premium, and my "office," such as it is, consists of half the common area that connects the two parts of our apartment.

Remain as a shrine or reassign? Credit: Jeremy Gerard

For years, I had an office at work that afforded me some measure of privacy and quiet, where I could work on my own projects during off-hours. Those days are gone, and suddenly my home office feels like Times Square, the noisy crossroads of our cozy world. I want a writing space, damn it, with a door I can close.

So the question naturally arises: Who has dibs on Emily's room?

Does it remain a shrine to the girl who grew up in it and who would really, really like everything to remain just as she left it? Or, does it become Emily's room/Dad's study/guest room, depending on the occasion?

Emily's school is close enough to make weekend visits easy and frequent, and we're a close-knit family. For now, her room is off limits to change. (I'm still not giving up the dream of fitting into those jeans, but in the meantime, they're stored ... well, let's just say they're somewhere I'm not going to divulge.)

But the painful truth is that her visits grow fewer and further between as she builds her own busy college life and prepares for the future. Next year, she'll graduate and who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll land a job in another city. Maybe she'll need to live at home for awhile as she gets her sea legs in the real world.

Of course, by then, my son Nick will have gone off to college. Let me tell you about Nick's room...

Related: Traditions Don't Have To Change, We Do

ReaderComments (Page 1 of 5)

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2-28-2010 @ 8:07PM

jm said...

Good God, woman! Are you serious?
My folks were re-painting my bedroom as I was moving out of their house!
The cord was cut long ago, move on!

2-28-2010 @ 11:18PM

pr said...

Sorry jm but its a father writing the story not a "woman".

3-01-2010 @ 12:39AM

Jeff said...

Yes, it's "my" house, but my two boys, who are in college, are still a part of our family. They come back for breaks and summer vacation. It's "their" room until they graduate. Why'd you have them if you can't wait until they're out of the house?

2-28-2010 @ 8:11PM

KatieCouric'sNemesis said...

Children don't have an inherent "right" to their room. But a wise parent wouldn't redo the room until the bird flew the nest for good (i.e., graduated from college, got a job, entered the military).

Since the mortgage is in MY name, I reserve the right to redo the rooms after the kids have gone. I have always wanted a sewing room and a "doll" room for my doll collection.

However, remember this. They do come back. With reinforcements and excess baggage (spouses and grandchildren)--especially when their lives turn upside down.

2-28-2010 @ 8:24PM

Judy said...

I started building shelves in our new "media room" the day after we dropped the oldest off at college. His brother's room became a library a week after he left home.
They both visited and lived at home during breaks but as guests not permanent residents. We are also a close family but get real.
Our oldest uses the guest room to avoid a long work commute some days but it is our house not a shrine to them.

8-05-2010 @ 2:29PM

I agree with you, Judy. How ironic, we share the same name. My son will be leaving for college in 3 weeks and I have yet to decide what to do with his room. For one, I will clean it... and clean it again. I will return the cable box; trying to cut down on expenses and we won't be needing a 2nd box. He says he doesn't care what I do with his room. I believe him. He's a guy. He doesn't sweat the small stuff. He just needs a place to sleep in the summer. I wonder how he might feel if I sell the house and move. With one less person living here I can certainly downsize and I am considering doing just that.

2-28-2010 @ 8:34PM

Michelle said...

This article is so appropriate for my current family situation.

Our oldest daughter is a freshman at a college in upstate NY, 5 hours away. We live in central Jersey. She has been home twice (Thanksgiving and Christmas) since we dropped her off on August 23. Her room looks a little messy but it's her..it will always be her. She made the bed the day she left and everything was in order. Since then the cat sleeps on her bed. We recently visited her and brought back some items she no longer had room for in her dorm room or needed. Those items were dropped in the room by her 14 yr old brother. We haven't changed the room..everything is exactly how she left it.
My other daughter is a senior in high school. We know she is staying home to attend a local college. She has been offered a room in our finished basement. We will paint the room and make it her room. We feel since she isn't going away to college she should be given the opportunity to have her privacy and "be on her own" but still live with us. Today, she made an announcement that we are not to paint her bedroom. She has an attachement to the room because her Grandfather painted the room. It's like she has an emotional attachment to the room. She said if we paint her room we will have to paint her sister's room. Mind you there was never any talk of painting any room except the room in the basement.
We have 14 yr old son who will use the seniors old bedroom as a guitar studio...the senior said our son couldn't paint the room black or red..I think this is a sign the Senior will never move out. She is attached to the house..it's her comfort zone.

2-28-2010 @ 8:48PM

Joyce said...

I'm with you Michelle. My kids are all away at college, but this house - and their rooms in it - is home. Home base, continuity, safe harbor. I don't need a room for any hobby, collection or whatever as much as they still need to feel connected. College is a brief, exciting and often tedious life stage, and their accommodations there are not permanent. When they graduate, take jobs and really move on it will be time to reclaim the space. But until then, their rooms remain theirs. Not shrines, but personal space that is theirs.

2-28-2010 @ 9:10PM

geeo said...

Take back your house. And your backbone. We do not owe our children a permanent "comfort zone". No wonder this generation is having such a hard time growing up!

2-28-2010 @ 11:48PM

lynette said...

who are the parents, you or the kids? In my house, since I pay the mortgage, taxes, heat, electric, phone, etc, and my kids never paid anything, I consider that the house is mine. My son moved out first. His younger sister had a homeless friend whom she wanted to move into it. She painted it, cleaned it out, etc, then the friend got a home. It is now my husband's study. My daughter went away to college about 4 hours away. She came home for holidays and occasional weekends, so her room stayed like it was UNTIL she graduated from college and got her own apartment. It's now my office. It's a very large room and I put a sofa bed, TV, DVD, loveseat and chair it 1/2 of it. The other half has my computer, desk, files, and Christmas stuff. I start buying Christmas presents for the following Christmas as soon as Christmas is over, so I have 4 fairly large tables where I store gifts as I purchase them. She is now married and has moved to another state. She comes home for Christmas every other year and is perfectly happy with having a sofa bed that she and hubby can use for free while they are here. But as much as I love both of my kids, their rooms would NEVER be made into shrines. It's MY house, and they are gone.

3-01-2010 @ 2:46AM

GioCer said...

@geeo and lynette. Wow! I don't know if you know this, but you guys sound bitter. "ITS MINE" "I PAID FOR IT" "MY HOUSE" Who's the child here? Ok, so be it for you both...but you'll be old soon, and when things don't start working out for you the way they used too are you going to be humble enough when it becomes "YOUR OLD RETIREMENT HOME"? I don't know about you, but my family has always been that our family. It was never a MY house, but OUR HOME, we had places to sleep but we all lived in the living room. Even after we left to pursue our own lives, we never felt like we were "Guest" at my parents house, nor do they feel like "Guest" when there at mine. Its always been ours. I go in, knock out in my old room, my parents hangout in their room in my home. So what's the difference? I don't know. You guys just sound cold and bitter to me. Maybe I'm just reading you guys wrong. I hope so.

3-04-2010 @ 7:31AM

linmac21 said...

Don't redo it just yet. My own daughter went to college not that long ago and rarely if ever came home unless she had to i.e. Christmas, Thanksgiving and summer vacation. Since we also have two sons, who shared a room, I moved her down to the office/guest room. My sons were ever so grateful! A dream come true, a room of their own. My daughter graduated and moved to Florida..............ever so briefly. The Florida plans/job didn't pan out and she moved home, where she has been for the last two years. She is employed at a job she LOVES, however, it doesn't pay enough that she can afford say $1,000.00 per month rent plus utilities, which is the average rental around here. So for the time being she is home, she pays rent to us but a minimal amount and if never fails that we need to get into the office.........and can't.

2-28-2010 @ 8:32PM

christine said...

For my daughter, she moved out 2 months ago, its nice for her to know that she has a place in the world "all her own" - yes I pay the mortgage, but I have no problem giving her this room. But in this economy - I did ask "what do you think if I rent out your room?" She said I could if I needed to. Anyway - she's free to come and go as her life leads her. Our family is from Argentina and my mother's parents always had the home open for her coming and going. She always had her room available, even when she moved here. My mother now lives with me, she's 89 years old, and my son 35 lives in the back house. I guess you could say it makes me happy to have my whole family with me.

3-04-2010 @ 11:23PM

ddkincaid said...

Awwwwwww! how sweet that's the same way i feel.I always want my kids to be able to know this will always be their home no matter how old they are. They do have a while though I have a daughter she's 11 and a boy his 8.l love them sooo much they are my life.

2-28-2010 @ 8:47PM

crystal said...

Its not about who's names on the mortgage, its not about what that room could be (office, exercise room, etc), its about the way you, as a kid, feel when you are able to come back to you childhood home and go back to the space that you've felt safe in and just know that your parent continues to leave that safe space for you and your visits. My mother moved EVERY shred of my stuff out the day i went to college. The walls were repainted, closet emptied, and her stuff moved in. When she adopted a child 2 years later he not only got the guest room but moved into the space i once called my room as well. When i visit its like i never lived there. Its probably the worst feeling that i ever had the first time i came back for a visit and saw everything changed. I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, im just saying take into consideration what your child may feel when they too come home and there space is no longer there.

3-01-2010 @ 1:38AM

Chrys said...

I have that same fear actually. When I leave home and my room behind I still want to have that comfort knowing that my room is still my room and it won't be changed exactly or given to someone else. There's a lot of sentimental value we develop while growing up in that space for 18 and so years. I don't want my mom to give away my room. When I come to visit it will be mine just as it's always been and a way of continuing where we left off. I think when those things are changed we do feel as if we don't belong anymore.

2-28-2010 @ 8:45PM

Pat said...

Like most things dealing with humans, it depends. Each case is unique. However, you don't have to see it as either leave everything alone or you are rejecting them. If you need/want the room and don't have a good alternative one available, it's your house so by all means, use it. There are lots of ways you can make it feel like their room when they return for short visits - and plenty of ways you show them they will always be very welcome in your home.

slkthom said...

Our daughter is in her freshman year in an out of state college. We helped her clean out and pack up, but the room is much the same. She comes home to visit every month or so, and has commented that it is wonderful to sleep in her old room where she feels so warm and comfortable. Our friends turned their son's room into a media room soon after he left. He has been quite vocal about how sleeping on a sofa pull-out in his old room feels. I agree with a previous commentor - when our girl graduates and gets her own place her room will be reinvented, but until then, it is still her home.

petey said...

find a life,and quit living vicariously thru your kids,it stresses them out!

Jan said...

I made a compromise...I waited until my son's second year in college when he moved into an off campus apartment, rather than the furnished dorm, and needed all his furniture. I left the walls blue and took down his surfing posters. I took art work he had done in high school (ocean scapes, etc) and had them professionally mounted and hung. The rest went in his walk in closet (snow boards, surboards and excess clothing). We now have a guest room, fitted with two new twin beds with an ocean theme. When my son comes home the room looks familiar as it has his artwork hanging on the walls. I do notice he likes to keep the walk in closet door open so he can see his "stuff"! It was a nice compromise...still feels like my "son".

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