Can't Ride a Bike at 8 - How Bad?
Filed under: Gear Guides: Big Kids
"Hi Sabrina," the email began. (Hi! Thanks for writing!) "My 8 year old son has not learned how to ride a bike yet. Is this really bad? I feel guilty that at this age he doesn't know how to ride."
Low bike-skills guilt -- I get it. As moms we are pros at feeling guilty over issues like this. Her note goes on:
"He gets frustrated very easily, and I tried on various occasions last summer to teach him only to have him 'give up' within the first 10 minutes. I didn't want to push him so I just let it go."
The letter mentioned a few other important points: 1) The same issue had arisen when Mom bought her son a skateboard (frustration followed by quitting), and 2) her son is otherwise healthy and active, he enjoys a few sports and loves playing outside.
"Am I worrying over nothing?" she asks at the end. To find out, I called my friend and Mommy Advisor Rosanne Tobey, director of Calm and Sense Therapy, a counseling service, for her take on the situation.
"My first question is, 'How frustrated is this child getting?," Tobey says. "This mother is right in her instincts to want to teach her child and in wanting to try pushing him a little further. And her instinct that they're quitting too soon might be correct also..."
"It's not so terrible that he can't ride a bike, especially since he is healthy and athletic, but I am more concerned about the patterns getting set up about him getting frustrated and quitting. Perhaps many things come easily to him and when they don't, he doesn't know what to do."
Hmm, I'm cueing up a visual of a child I know giving the ol' piano keys a gentle-yet-sad forehead-banging. So how can a mom encourage a child who is frustrated and feels like giving up? Tobey has ideas:
Break tasks into tiny pieces. For example? "Get him to sit on the bike and put his feet on the pedals while you hold the handlebars. Just stay with that for a while so he gets used to the feeling. Let him play with the seat height and the kickstand." In other words, get him used to the bike as a friendly presence, slowly.
Set your child up for success. "Is the bike too big or too small? Are the wheels inflated enough?" Once the basics are in order, you can approach the psyche side of learning:
Talk about mistakes as a good thing. "This is hard, but use this as an opportunity to teach them what the learning process is like, and how making mistakes is an inherent part of learning. How getting it wrong is important in order to know how to do it right. They are not failing, they are at the very beginning stages of succeeding."
Okay I love that bit about starting to succeed, but what about when a child simply says: "I quit and I won't do this anymore?!"
Know when to push. "You have to know when to push ... and when to stop, and that can be really hard to figure out. If your child is crying or tantrum-ing, obviously they can't give this their best right now. If it's at that point, you say 'Let's stop and try another time.' But the message you're giving is that you're taking a break, which is different than quitting."
Catch frustration early. "Even better is if you can intervene when you first start seeing the child getting frustrated. Try talking in an encouraging way, and telling them you know they can get better. Talk about how much they've learned so far."
Get help. "It can be so intense for parents to teach their own children. If there is someone else that can help out, sometimes that takes a lot of pressure off. It's hard feeling alone -- it's okay to ask someone to step in and help you."
And then you get to be the one to show up once he's made some progress, and cheer like crazy.
Good luck!
If you've ever had a less-than-perfect parenting moment that has left you wondering, "How bad?" Send it to Sabrina at PrincessLPink9@aol.com. She'll try to answer as many as she can.
Sabrina Weill is the founder of the pink and princess-y gift site: PrincessLovesPink. Many of the Mommy Advisors in this column are the writer's personal or professional friends.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 5)
7-09-2010 @ 2:58AM
LINDA said...Hi there... I know your comment was written months ago but I wanted to congratulate you on a perfect piece of writing and am so pleased there are intelligent people like yourself out there. I've had the same problem with my daughter, just turned 7 yesterday. People gasp in horror when I say she still has training wheels on her bike. For god's sake she is 7, and it's a friggen bike!!!! I then feel like saying to them will she just got straight A's in her semester report, is that enough achievement for her at this stage in life. Seriously I am over the pressure of society on these children!
2-27-2010 @ 9:42AM
juliaannie said...The counselor may know about attitudes and giving up too soon but I dont think she's on target w/ how to physicially teach him. DONT have him sit on the bike and put his feet on the pedals. It'll break mom's back trying to hold him (esp an 8 yr old!) and the teetering will only shake his confidence.
When we were trying to teach our two kids we did the back-breaking thing to no-avail. Then I got online and discovered the best way:
Lower the seat til the kids feet can touch the ground or almost touch. Have them sit on the bike w/ feet dragging. (I recommend old tennis shoes.) Then let them coast down a SLIGHT encline -- (even the yard if it's not too bumpy), using their feet to steady them. They build their own confidence and learn what balance feels like. (And you dont break your back!) When they gain confidence they'll give the pedals a try on their own. It really worked for our two at age 6. One was very nervous too! But this was the best way!
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2-27-2010 @ 9:50AM
Craig said...THIS PERSON IS SUCH AN ASS.. MUST NOT GIVE A DAM ABOUT HIS OR HER CHILDREN.
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2-27-2010 @ 9:55AM
jenns6478 said...I SERIOUSLY HOPE THE MOM WHO ASKED THIS QUESTION WILL READ THIS.. I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU MORE ON THIS SUBJECT.. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE A PERFECTIONEST CHILD. MY 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS THE EXACT SAME WAY AND IS LIKE THAT ABOUT SO MANY THINGS. IF SHE DOESNT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING SHE GETS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AND DOESN'T WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. SHE IS IN 2ND GRADE AND JUST FINISHED UP HER TESTING AND WE HAVE COME TO REALIZE SHE IS A HIGHLY GIFTED AND TALENTED CHILD. SHE ACTUALLY GOT INVITED TO ATTEND A SPECIAL SCHOOL JUST FOR CHILDREN LIKE HER.. IF YOUR KID IS EXTREMELY SMART AND EXCELS IN MOST THINGS BUT WHEN THEY CANT DO SOMETHING GETS FRUSTRATED I WOULD DEFINITELY SUGGEST YOU LOOK INTO THE GIFTED AND TALENTED THING. THESE KINDS OF KIDS REALLY ARE SORT OF DIFFERENT IN THEIR THINKING PROCESS AND MOST OF THEM HAVE SOME SORT OF QUIRKY PERSONALITY TRAITS.. AS FAR AS WHAT TO DO TO KEEP HIM FROM GETTING FRUSTRATED, I WOULD SAY JUST TRY TO GET IN TOUCH AND TALK TO ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH THESE KINDS OF KIDS.. THEY CAN SERIOUSLY GIVE YOU GREAT ADVICE FROM EXPERIENCE.. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AS A MOTHER AND I KNOW AT TIMES I FEEL THE SAME WAY.. I'M HERE IF YOU NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.. I CAN SEND YOU MY EMAIL.. GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES
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2-27-2010 @ 10:00AM
Tom said...I would probably share your concern if it were one of my sons when I was a young parent, but now I am a older grandparent and do not see the problem. The problem is not the lack of bike riding it is the age and built in expectations people have of young people. My biggest concern would be the exercise the child is missing. There are of course other ways to get exercise. Despite the fun of riding a bike it has inherent dangers also, running into trees or telephone poles. (grandson did later, the results were ugly) Compound fractured arm from hitting pothole (my son did this), numerous cuts and scrapes ( I had these) We are not a clumsy bunch, just rode bikes alot, and had some crashes. Don't worry about it, it is really not a big problem.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:06AM
Sunny said...My 20 year old son never learned to ride a bike. He is an engineering student at an Ivy League University. I don't think his lack of bike riding skills has hindered him in any way. Get over yourself.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:06AM
Emma said...He'll start riding it when he sees his friends doing it. Our grandson didn't learn to ride his bike until last year and he was 11, despite many tries in previous years. On the other hand, his dad was riding a bike at age 6. Just like sports, some kids just aren't interested. Pushing him won't help, but encouraging him not to give up quite so quickly might be a good idea. We got our grandson to try longer when we took our bikes along too. Also kids are afraid of falling, maybe you should try this on a lawn.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:08AM
GO JOHN GO said...He probably has even been with a girl yet either. Just buy him a car and that will solve both problems. Girls love guys with cars. LMAO
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2-27-2010 @ 10:18AM
Cindi said...I tried everything with my son. We bought him a mini two-wheel bike with training wheels at 4 years old. I made it available but did not push. The neighbors learned to ride on his bike because it was the smallest bike around. I tried countless times to run alongside and keep everything positive. Each year passed and still not riding. He outgrew that little bike and was in the next size and still not riding. By the time he was 10 all the kids in the neighborhood would be out riding their bikes having a great time and my son was left out. He wanted to be with them but the fear had grown over the years. Finally one day I said "Go outside and don't come in till you can ride your bike" I was very direct but not mean about it. Then I went in the house. I kept an eye on him from a distance to make sure he was alright. Boy oh boy, he started complaining then it escalated and got louder and louder. Eventually he was screaming "I have to ride my bike, you're making me, and you’re so mean" etc. ALL the neighbors were out on the front porches trying to see what was going on. This continued for about an hour. Then all of a sudden he came running in the house "I did it! I did it!" I told him show me. We went outside and he probably rolled it 2 feet the first time. Then he rode it about 4 feet, and then he was off. That night he didn't want to come stop riding to come in. The next morning he came running in to wake me up about 6 am. "Mom can I go ride my bike?" Of course I said yes. That summer he rode his bike more than anyone in the neighborhood. Once the fear was gone he was fine.
My son is now 30 years old. At 26 I found out he had undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome. He is amazingly intelligent, very literal (when I told him to hop into bed HE DID). He will talk to everyone (particularly about movies, music and Star Wars). He has difficulty understanding body language (that is a foreign language to him). He is doing well but I truly wish he had been diagnosed when he was younger so we could have gotten him the help he needed to excel in life.
I hope this helps someone out there.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:22AM
Heather said...I know how this woman feels. My daughter knows how to ride a bike, her step dad taught her when she was eight. However, she went to a roller skating birthday party when she was ten and couldn't even stand up on the skates. The kids and the adults were (jokingly) laughing at her and she didn't have any fun. It is our duty as parents to make sure our kids learn how to do these things. They are important. At her age I was riding a bike, skating, ice skating and downhill snow skiing. I blame it on the parents of today, including myself. Where are our priorties? Is it just easier to set the kids in front of a t.v., video game, computer or let them text away on their phones while we carry on with our busy lives? Yes. And that's what we do. I had made a promise to her and myself to take her to a roller rink and teach her to skate. I attempted once. Drove to the rink and it was permanently closed down. Instead of finding another one, we drove home. A year later, my daughter still does not know how to skate. Shame on me and any othe parent who let's these things fall by the wayside or gives up on their kids. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Thanks for the article. I'm taking my daughter to learn to skate today.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:26AM
Babs said...I have three children -- two autistic. I taught them all to ride last summer afttaking an Occu. therapy class on how to break it down. This boy may be "athletic", but have sensory issues on a bike. The bike should be low enough that when he stands up his but is right above the seat (so if he falls he can touch the ground fast). Then he has to practice gliding (just pushing the bike along until he gets use to the feel of it -- you may need to take the pedals off for this). Then with you with him at all times have him practice putting his feet on the pedals. My daughter, the "normal" one, did it another way -- pushing off (like a scooter) and then putting her feet on it and riding. You need a smooth, flat surface (basketball courts are usually good). Practice 10 minutes a day (or what ever time is not frustrating for the child)
My daughter did it in an hour, my oldest did it in one month, the middle son (who has more issues) did it in 3 months. Search the web for articles on it, it really works.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:32AM
Lloyd said...Please. for God's sake your "expert" is clueless. Kids learn to ride bikes by being taught by other kids. That's how I learned, and my kids learned. And if the little bugger doesn't have any friends, then that's something to worry about. Peer pressure and support will always work over so called "parenting techniques". Its amazing, There's a whole industry of phonies taking advantage of parental anxieties, with child psychobabble as smoke for the fact that their advice isn't worty paying a dime, let alone treating them as professionals. But we've raised a generation that believes they can't get by without "counselling" and other busy bodies telling them how to live life. Pathetic. Give me a break.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:38AM
Heather said...I have sort of the same problem with my 5 year old. He has a bike with training wheels, but has yet to even learn how to pedal. He always wants to push both feet in the same time instead of back and forth to make the pedals go around. I blame myself because we were not able to get him a tricycle or other pedaling toy when he was smaller. When it's nice outside we try to practice, but he too, wants to give up too soon. He'll say he doesn't want to ride anymore and I'll say "ok let's take a break and try again later" then he gets mad because he doesn't want to get off the bike. He wants to just sit there and play on it, but not try to ride it. I've even tried just letting him sit there like he wants to so he can get used to the bike, but after literally a half an hour of watching him just sit there without trying to pedal gets frustrating. I've tried everything from following him on my hands and knees, holding his feet and basically pedaling for him to letting him watch youtube videos of other children pedaling their bikes. He's not usually the type to give up on things easily, and he's very smart academically and very active in all other areas, but we're having a lot of trouble with this.
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2-27-2010 @ 10:44AM
Sasha said...I never had a bike to ride till I was13, tho I did learn on my brothers bike when i was 5. My granddaughter -9- loved her first experience riding, but then had a scarey moment and now will not ride. Sometimes we have to consider that maybe my granddaughter a baseball and bat, a soccer ball, a scooter and many other things to keep her active - no need to worry about whether she can be a bike rider. Not all of us can be or want to be a Lance armstrong
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2-27-2010 @ 10:58AM
r said...dam i see monkeys dogs and bears riding bikes in the circus, you got a retarded kid
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2-27-2010 @ 10:59AM
sharon said...It is adult peer pressure and it stinks. My daughter still does not ride a bike without training wheels. She will be 8 in a couple of months. What does my good friend say to me? She tsk tsk's me. Hello, because her boys have been riding since they were six. Well, do I say to her, tsk tsk because my daughter could read very well before kindergarten and one of her son's had to have a tutor because he couldn't read by the 3rd grade. No! What is it about parents who seem to feel if their child has accomplished something then there is something wrong with other children who aren't there yet?
And shame on you people here bringing up autism and such. I am sure by now she would know if there was a problem like this. It is a boy who does not care to bike ride. He does other things well. So let him be. He will or he won't. Many kids don't even have bikes. Or live where it is convenient to ride one. Is there something wrong with them?
I am so tired of adult peers putting pressure on other parents making them feel bad if their child is not doing the same things. I am sure the Karate, dance, sports, etc... classes are thrilled. Since that clone like thinking brings in a lot of business.
And vice versa, let us stop comparing our lives and our children to others and let them be themselves. Let them find out what they enjoy. Push them if need be, but not because Sally, Bob and Britney can. Because you know it is something they can do if they do not give up. And if they really do not want it, stop wasting valuable time on something they will never enjoy. You are wasting time you could be using to find something they do enjoy. And it may not even be the 'norm.' And for that I say hurray! Why do we need do be clones of each other all the time.
It is exhausting to try to keep up as parents. Think about what we are doing to our kids. Making a child feel bad because he cannot ride a bike. I think if he gets a few D's in class, uses bad language, is desrespectful, hurts others, then he should feel bad.
BUT NOT BECAUSE HE CANNOT RIDE A BIKE AT 8!
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2-27-2010 @ 2:24PM
Cindi said...WOA, First of all adult peer pressure may be your problem but it was not anywhere on the radar with my son. Every good parent will do whatever they can to help their child be the best well adjusted person they can be.
I agree that all children are different and learn differently. Some will ride at 4 and others never will. If a 5 year old wants to just sit on the bike and play, let him. My son would watch the other children riding and want to join in but fear was stopping him. Once he learned (6 years and 2 bikes later) I couldn't get him off the bike. I am the one with the 30 year old with undiagnosed Aspergers. You say how I dare mention Autism. Well I truly wish someone would have dared mention it when he was little. I can't tell you the countless sleepless nights in tears for the way my sweet son was treated in school. Autism is not a four letter word and it is NOT a disease! If it is brought to the attention of one mother who could get the information she needs and in turn help her child then it is worth mentioning in an article like this. So get over it.
2-27-2010 @ 11:09AM
Patty said...I come from a very disfunctional family, who did not have the money or the initiative to teach us to ride. We never knew what training wheels were. The only bike I had was my older sister's and it was a large bike. I was around 8 when one day my father put me on the bike, pushed me down the street. I rode for about a block, then the bike and me feel over and that is how I learned. All this trainging wheel stuff and time, on and on. We learned fast. And I do not worry if my child cannot ride because if they want to, then one day they will.
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3-01-2010 @ 6:43AM
noella bradley said...IF THE BICYCLES IN THE PICTURE ARE THE ACTUAL BIKES THE BIKE IS TOO LARGE FOR HIM AT THE AGE OF EIGHT. IT PROBABLY SCARES HIM.HE MIGHT BE A SMALL EIGHT. GIVE HIM TIME TO GROW A LITTLE BIT.
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2-27-2010 @ 11:18AM
Marly said...My son is 22 years old and when he never wanted to learn. We went through the same thing thinking he really needed to learn. He never did though. He roller bladed, skateboarded and had one of those razor skooters he loved. He was mobile, just not on a bike. I don't think it's a big deal if they don't want to ride a bike. Just
relax...kids are all different.
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