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Can't Ride a Bike at 8 - How Bad?
Filed under: Gear Guides: Big Kids
"Hi Sabrina," the email began. (Hi! Thanks for writing!) "My 8 year old son has not learned how to ride a bike yet. Is this really bad? I feel guilty that at this age he doesn't know how to ride."
Low bike-skills guilt -- I get it. As moms we are pros at feeling guilty over issues like this. Her note goes on:
"He gets frustrated very easily, and I tried on various occasions last summer to teach him only to have him 'give up' within the first 10 minutes. I didn't want to push him so I just let it go."
The letter mentioned a few other important points: 1) The same issue had arisen when Mom bought her son a skateboard (frustration followed by quitting), and 2) her son is otherwise healthy and active, he enjoys a few sports and loves playing outside.
"Am I worrying over nothing?" she asks at the end. To find out, I called my friend and Mommy Advisor Rosanne Tobey, director of Calm and Sense Therapy, a counseling service, for her take on the situation.
"My first question is, 'How frustrated is this child getting?," Tobey says. "This mother is right in her instincts to want to teach her child and in wanting to try pushing him a little further. And her instinct that they're quitting too soon might be correct also..."
"It's not so terrible that he can't ride a bike, especially since he is healthy and athletic, but I am more concerned about the patterns getting set up about him getting frustrated and quitting. Perhaps many things come easily to him and when they don't, he doesn't know what to do."
Hmm, I'm cueing up a visual of a child I know giving the ol' piano keys a gentle-yet-sad forehead-banging. So how can a mom encourage a child who is frustrated and feels like giving up? Tobey has ideas:
Break tasks into tiny pieces. For example? "Get him to sit on the bike and put his feet on the pedals while you hold the handlebars. Just stay with that for a while so he gets used to the feeling. Let him play with the seat height and the kickstand." In other words, get him used to the bike as a friendly presence, slowly.
Set your child up for success. "Is the bike too big or too small? Are the wheels inflated enough?" Once the basics are in order, you can approach the psyche side of learning:
Talk about mistakes as a good thing. "This is hard, but use this as an opportunity to teach them what the learning process is like, and how making mistakes is an inherent part of learning. How getting it wrong is important in order to know how to do it right. They are not failing, they are at the very beginning stages of succeeding."
Okay I love that bit about starting to succeed, but what about when a child simply says: "I quit and I won't do this anymore?!"
Know when to push. "You have to know when to push ... and when to stop, and that can be really hard to figure out. If your child is crying or tantrum-ing, obviously they can't give this their best right now. If it's at that point, you say 'Let's stop and try another time.' But the message you're giving is that you're taking a break, which is different than quitting."
Catch frustration early. "Even better is if you can intervene when you first start seeing the child getting frustrated. Try talking in an encouraging way, and telling them you know they can get better. Talk about how much they've learned so far."
Get help. "It can be so intense for parents to teach their own children. If there is someone else that can help out, sometimes that takes a lot of pressure off. It's hard feeling alone -- it's okay to ask someone to step in and help you."
And then you get to be the one to show up once he's made some progress, and cheer like crazy.
Good luck!
If you've ever had a less-than-perfect parenting moment that has left you wondering, "How bad?" Send it to Sabrina at PrincessLPink9@aol.com. She'll try to answer as many as she can.
Sabrina Weill is the founder of the pink and princess-y gift site: PrincessLovesPink. Many of the Mommy Advisors in this column are the writer's personal or professional friends.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 5)
2-27-2010 @ 1:08PM
mcs said...haha When my daughter was 8 she still had not learned because she kept saying she was scared. So I took her to a parking lot and said that she had to learn or there would be NO swimming in our pool that summer. (Her favorite thing.) She learned in 20 minutes.
Tough love parenting works wonders!
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2-27-2010 @ 1:18PM
Vickie said...Beautifully put. I am so sorry for your loss. I am actually crying right now. I have an 18yo honor student, Varsity basketball & going to the college of his choice but he often comes in wreaking of marijuana. We are only 18 1/2 years apart so we have a close relationship but all I can do is give him the facts and tell him about my experiences. We can't fool ourselves into thinking we can control thier every move. Once they are out of the home we have no control. We can only educate.....and worry.
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2-27-2010 @ 1:18PM
inga said...My son had no desire to learn to ride a bike. He'd outgrown two that we had bought him and had yet to learn. He loved motorcross and wanted to ride a dirt bike. I told him that he couldn't ride a dirt bike until he learned to ride a regular bike. We went camping that weekend. By the time we left the camp ground he was covered in scrapes and bruises, but had taught himself how to ride a bike. Very well, too. He's yet to ride a dirt bike. I'm sure he will before long though. If your child is developing well in other areas, don't sweat it.
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2-27-2010 @ 1:27PM
tom said...did you hear about the two girls fighting over a bike their dad said if you keep fighting im gonna put the seat back on !
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2-27-2010 @ 1:48PM
elissaz74 said...I tried to teach my son on several occasions and he refused to get on. While playing at a neighbors house the other parent asked if they might try to get him to ride his bicycle. Sure enough in 10 minutes my son was riding up and down the block on his own while I pretended not to watch until he shouted at me to see what he had done. I think sometimes he is so worried about disappointing me that he won't even try. It worked when someone else showed him.
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2-27-2010 @ 1:55PM
Anna Maria said...You might want to get him vision tested. Sometimes children's peripheral vision is restricted and that can affect perception and balance. The frustration he is experiencing could have it's origin in a problem that can be easily remedied.
You might also like to try having someone else teach him. It could be that he is nervous to please "mom" and that is adding to his frustration when he can't balance and ride the bike.
If all else fails, so what!. He can do other things.
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2-27-2010 @ 2:02PM
doris said...oh please people not riding a bike at 8 is not a tramatic thing he will learn when HE is ready not when mommy wants him to learn if you have the need to worry then find something important like his education or all the crazy people he will be exposed to in this lifetime
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2-27-2010 @ 2:07PM
robyn said...my son never was interested in riding a bike. i did the normal mom things of getting him one at about age 4 with training wheels. he had a tricycle at about 2 1/2 and he wouldnt ever ride it either. he just didnt ever have a interest in rideing anything on wheels. when he turned 16 his dad bought him a motorcycle, he never once rode it. he is now 25 and a united states marine and is doing well. he just never had any interest in bikes or big wheels or anything like that. he always went for the building toys, the blocks and logs. at 16 he was able to take a engiene apart and put it back again he was just more hands on buidling. that dont mean there is anything wrong with your child if he dont want to ride a bike. encourage what his interest are.
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2-27-2010 @ 2:41PM
Lenore said...I was 9 before I learned to ride a bike. I just wanted to be able to ride so I kept at it till I could ride. Don't worry about your son. He is probably just not ready.I'm 76 now and still ride sometimes.
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2-27-2010 @ 2:28PM
Jennifer said...Some kids aren't interested in riding bikes. It just isn't their thing. They have other talents and interests that they want to pursue. To tell you the truth, I don't see that many kids riding bikes these days anyway. That Mom needs to worry about more important things; like being grateful she has a child that COULD ride a bike if he wanted to and she should focus on just loving her child for who he is.
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2-27-2010 @ 2:33PM
dez said...I learned how to ride a bike in one day when I was 4. When my little sister got around 4 or 5 we each (mom, dad, myself) tried to teach her. She gave up when she didn't learn that day, tried again a few times over the next few years. When she was 14 years old she was too embarrassed to tell her friends who wanted to go for a bike ride that she could not ride... so she got on the bike and did it. She is still not a huge fan of riding bikes but she can and she will. Everyone learns at their own pace, I don't think there is anything wrong with an 8 year old, 15 year old, 72 year old, anyone that can't or won't ride a bike. Nobody should be pushed to do something when they don't want to.
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2-27-2010 @ 2:38PM
kevin said...Did it ever occur to them to ask the kid why he didn't want to ride the bike. That might be the easiest way around this.
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2-27-2010 @ 3:20PM
lboeck said...Start him on a bike that's too small for him. It's so much easier to ride! He'll get confident and them move him up to his right size.
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2-27-2010 @ 3:28PM
janette said...theres absolutly nothing wrong with not being able to ride a bike... i never learned how to ride a bike. my parents always tried to teach me untill i was 13 but i just never wanted to. also no one actually HAS to know how to ride a bike.. its not really a necessary skill
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2-27-2010 @ 3:49PM
Pam said...My husband and my youngest son never learned to ride a bike. Both are very healthy and do many other sports. It is not a crime to not ride a bike.
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2-27-2010 @ 4:56PM
Ramona said...I completely understand this mother's concern. My son is also 8 (soon to be 9) and has never learned to ride a bike. I tried to teach him when he was 5, but he fell off and wouldn't try again. In my case, though, I found out that this was just a piece of a larger puzzle. Having been alerted by preschool teachers that he seemed to be lagging behind his classmates in other areas, he was tested by "Child Find", a national organization which provides free testing and assessment of a child's development and abilities. Although he tested alright (within the range of average for his age group) in most other areas, his fine motor skills were found to be lacking. It's been almost 4 years now and my son has had an IEP (Individual Education Plan) at school since then. He's having difficulties in some other areas now, too, but they aren't extreme enough to warrant extra help within the school system.
My point is that your son may or may not be exhibiting signs of a learning disability. Frustration was (and still is sometimes) a big indicator that my son felt he was being pushed beyond his limits. We've learned to break every big task down into smaller components. As mothers, we tend to blame ourselves for every little fault our children exhibit and mistake they make, but feeling guilty is pointless and counterproductive. Resist the temptation to do things for your son or give him an easy "out" when he gets frustrated. By all means, take a break from whatever it is, let him know that learning new skills sometimes takes lots more practice for some people than it does for others, and talk about which one step of the process he should concentrate on first. Then, praise him when he masters that step. My son once dropped a whole container of (unfilled) water balloons on the ground and when I told him he was going to have to pick them up, he looked down at the pile and burst into tears. Just thinking about picking up a couple hundred balloons seemed overwhelming to him and he wanted me to come outside and help him. Instead, I told him to pick up a few of them, then go jump on the trampoline or run around the house for 15 minutes, then come back and pick up a few more. It didn't matter if it took him all day to pick them up (and I expected it to) because it was more important to me that he accomplish the task on his own, then be proud of himself for doing so. Within the hour I heard him calling me and when I went outside he showed me, with a beaming smile on his face, that he'd gotten all the balloons back in the container! Each accomplishment, however small, is an opportunity to build his self esteem and help him understand what he's capable of doing on his own.
Whether or not your son ever learns to ride a bike, which obviously isn't necessary to accomplish great things in life, is certainly nothing for you to feel bad about. In fact, I'd be curious to know if Albert Einstein knew how to do some of the activities we consider "normal" for kids these days. His hyperfocus on mathematics and other subjects he loved was a strong indicator that he suffered from what we now consider ADD/ADHD! The same goes for many famous and lauded people in our history.
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2-27-2010 @ 6:05PM
Brian Workman said...Don't transfer your frustration to your child. My dad would go balistic whenever I didn't succeed at any endever that he thought was easy, and I wouldn't make any progress with him around. I always got it done with my moms' help and my dad would get ticked off over that, possibilty. It made it more difficult to do.
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3-27-2010 @ 2:13PM
Jeremy said...All children learn to ride at different ages and some children have more agility than others. I started my 3 year old out on a balance bike and the benefits were great. He took ownership of his bike; it kept him busy; more exercise which helped make him more tired by days end to sleep well. Now, almost 6 months later he is riding a pedal bike without training wheels.
He used the Prince Lionheart bike ($79) at balancebikeshop.com
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12-25-2010 @ 7:58PM
Phoenix said...One key question: WHO wanted the boy to learn to ride a bike - the boy himeslf, or his mother? (Ditto for the skateboard that she bought him; whose idea was that - hers or her son's?) Clearly, it's important to HER that her son learn to ride a bike, but is it also important to HIM? If not, he just may not be very interested - and thus, not very motivated to keep on trying to learn. And speaking of motivation, are there things that he'll be able to do - and that he WANTS to do - if he does learn to ride his bike?
All of this can factor into how he handles the challenge of learning a new skill. We're all more likely to put more effort into learning to do something if it interests US than if we're merely doing it in response to someone else's pressure and pushing! I can certainly understand her concern about her son's giving up at the first sign of frustration, but she may want to look more deeply at WHY he's doing this - and recognize that she and her son won't always have the same priorities and interests.
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