Hey Dad, Thanks For The Blow-Up Doll

by Tom Henderson (Subscribe to Tom Henderson's posts) Mar 1st 2010 3:00PM

Categories: Single Parenting, Opinions, Sex

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I gave my 13-year-old son a Playboy magazine and an inflatable sex doll.

And it wasn't even his birthday.

Wow. My T-shirt is right. I am the World's No. 1 Dad.

Some of you don't look convinced. In fact, some of you look like you just got a mouth full of Novocaine. I can see your jaws dropping from here.

Don't judge. Unless you're raising the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, your teenage son has seen pictures of nude women -- if not in Playboy, then in some other magazine or on the Internet.

They were likely shown to him by another hormonal teen. At least I could talk about the images with my son, explain that women in real life aren't airbrushed and given several coats of varnish.

Thank God.

I am an unapologetic liberal feminist who took women's studies in college and wants to be Gloria Steinem when I grow up. As turn-ons go, I prefer the women who write for Mother Jones over the ones who pose for Maxim.

Leafing through Playboy, my son and I talked about how women (especially young women) are reduced to objects. Never mind their thoughts and feelings. They are pieces of meat to be drooled over and conquered.

If you conquer a lot of them, you're a "stud." If a woman conquers an equal number of men, she's a "skank" or "ho."

Son, meet the double standard.

We also talked about how pornography's obsession with perfect young bodies not only perpetuates a false standard of beauty but also promotes a certain form of pedophilia. See Hugh Hefner, an 82-year-old pervert who has aged about as gracefully as the Crypt Keeper, who uses his money and status to have sex with women young enough to be his great-granddaughters.

Men like that lead women to believe their only value to the world are their vaginas. And that's flat-out sick and wrong.

Women are put on sexual display throughout our society, usually as a means of selling something. I told my son it's OK to be aroused by such images. They are calculated to carbonate male hormones. Just know that some very scummy people are pulling your strings.

Now about that blow-up doll.

My son, like so many boys his age, was a mite confused about the female anatomy. Don't worry. I won't go into details. Let's just say the boy thought there was one big multipurpose room in the basement.

Someone needed to set him straight. I'd rather that person be me than Eddie Haskell, the jerk in home room.

I believe in being explicit, leaving no unanswered questions or lingering doubts. So I got a $20 inflatable sex doll and guided him like Lewis and Clark through the undiscovered country. Then, I hasten to add, the doll was quickly discarded.

So was the magazine.

I further to hasten to add that my son was absolutely perplexed why anyone would find either of those items suitable surrogates for interaction with actual living, breathing, thinking, feeling woman.

Such products are for brief educational purposes and cautionary tales only.

"At 13, you are on the edge of manhood," I told him. "You need to decide what kind of man you want to be." Men who buy sexist, exploitative garbage have to ask for it at the counter while women give them the stink eye, or they park secretly in the rear of "adult stores" and "gentlemen's clubs."

"Listen to me," I told my son. "No one even vaguely resembling a mature adult goes into an 'adult store,' and no real gentleman would be caught dead in one of those clubs."

I told him he should be the kind of man who can walk in the front door of any business in plain view of the street and wouldn't care if his sister, mother, grandmother or best female friend knew what he was buying.

He seemed to understand. We have lots of good father-son talks, he and I.

Nothing is taboo. The only dangerous topics are the ones that are censored and turned into tantalizing forbidden fruit.

My one rule is that serious talks require serious words. Sex organs will be called by their scientific names. Not Prince Everhard of the Netherlands. Not Squirmin' Herman, the One-Eyed German. That said, I will explain the meaning of any slang tern -- even if I often have to Google it myself.

That is my policy. And I am proud to say it works. I am raising a very sensitive, polite, mature and intelligent young feminist who despises pornography and respects women. There's nothing they two of us can't discuss.

Even if sometimes he pushes the envelope.

"Dad, why do some people like to have sex wearing handcuffs?"

Yikes!

Related: Girl Posts Racy Picks, Charged with Child Porn

Comments (24)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Metanira 3-01-2010 @ 3:52PM

"Listen to me," I told my son. "No one even vaguely resembling a mature adult goes into an 'adult store,' and no real gentleman would be caught dead in one of those clubs."

Oh really?I'd say that plenty of mature adults go to adult stores. They're not just about the smut, y'know. You can buy condoms and a plethora of, ahem, marital aids ;) that perfectly mature consenting adults use all the time. Like those people who "have sex while wearing handcuffs". An adult store isn't, in and of itself, a bad thing.

Delilah 3-06-2010 @ 12:37PM

Amen. Some of my favorite stores are adults stores.

For what it's worth, you're also dismissing Toys in Babeland, a chain run by and for women with the purpose of empowering women sexually and to help them and their partners explore their sexuality.

And as for "gentleman's clubs?" I've had quite a few awesome nights at them...as a single and now a married woman.

Barb 3-02-2010 @ 7:59AM

My son's birthday is on Christmas Eve. Years ago on his 18th birthday he found "Santa" had individually gift wrapped 3-4 condoms and put them in his Christmas stocking. Aside from being caught a little off guard, you could obviously see on his face that he knew his dad and I considered him to be on his way to responsible manhood and we respected him for that. His younger sister, by 6 years, was in awe! From sex education at school she knew what a condom was but had never actually seen one. Her first response was "can I open one?" Next thing I knew she was gone from the room. A few minutes later she came walking out of the bathroom with what I'll just call a water balloon! I can't remember a Christmas were we laughed so hard, learned so much and realized that we were definitely a family that cared about each other. He's thirty now and we have a beautiful grand daughter, but we still talk and laugh about the condom Christmas!

Arielle 3-03-2010 @ 5:43PM

I'm a 17 yr old girl and sometimes I really wish we could-I'm sorry, actually, I wasn't born even then, but you'll get my point-go back to those days where people valued sex AFTER marriage. Where's the self control nowadays, seriously....and I don't care if anybody thinks that's not realistic. Sex was meant for married couples who truly love each other, not for those who want to do it whenever they feel like it, just because they are horny. And even if you DO love that person, it's okay to wait. I don't even care if you're gay, have some moral values, some innocence. [not really speaking to the author]

Uly 3-03-2010 @ 8:57PM

Arielle, I hate to destroy your innocence, but those days never *really* existed. Oh, people claimed they did, but there were a lot of hasty weddings, twelve pound "early babies", and younger "siblings" whose ostensible parents were mysteriously in their 40s with a daughter 15 years old.

And a lot of shame, too - and don't forget, abortion wasn't invented in the 60s!

Sean 6-11-2010 @ 4:18AM

Sex was not meant for married couples. Sex was meant to create a new generation and also is meant for pleasure.

Heidi 3-03-2010 @ 9:48PM

Love this article. Oh, that all parents would talk to their kids so openly about sex.

Arielle - don't let people talk you out of your ideals. Sure, the good ol' days of "everyone" waiting til after marriage never existed. But some people (in all eras) DO wait til after marriage. My husband and I got married three years ago and didn't have sex til after the wedding. It CAN be done even in "this day and age." Doesn't even require living in a monastery or shutting yourself off from the real world. Just respect, self-control, and a good reason why.

Uly 3-04-2010 @ 1:01AM

Yes, but can you keep your own ideals without scorning other people who make different choices? So long as there's no hypocrisy involved, what business is it of yours or hers?

Kelly 3-03-2010 @ 10:26PM

First off: right on, dad and author!

@Metanira
I agree that sex aids aren't the problem... but it's pretty hard to go into an adult store without a plethora of misogynistic eye-candy, ugh. Maybe if dad ever finds a female-positive and non-gross sex shop he could take the kid? (whenever dad thinks the kid is ready and interested)

@Arielle
My (now) husband and I spent our first dating year celibate (I'd had other partners before him, male and female). It was difficult to do, but it was a lot of fun too, and it didn't mess up our relationship or anything. So don't let people put down your choices.

That said, it's dismaying to hear you put down others who choose a different path. Perhaps you are mixing up sexism with sex? You might enjoy reading February 26th's article at salon by Kate Harding, "'Hook-up culture's' bad rap".

Another great site for teens - whether you would like to wait on things or move further: scarleteen.com . The best of luck!

SKL 3-04-2010 @ 1:32AM

To Arielle (and those who criticized her), I understand the frustration with a society that scorns people for valuing the opportunity to temporarily (or permanently) bypass physical sex in favor of a deeper intimacy.

This is indeed an individual decision, so I don't understand why anyone would scoff at an individual having this ideal.

Those who complain that you impose your ideal on others may forget how often you have to hear others scoffing at your individual choice as immature, unrealistic, prudish, etc. But rest assured that there are still many couples who wait and are glad they waited.

Mackenzie 3-04-2010 @ 8:38AM

I really applaud your efforts to help your son get correct information coupled with a how-to on respecting women and not buying into a lot of the really horrible degrading stereotypes and materials out there.

However, I think it's unfair to cast all adult products in that light. There are some really wonderful sex-positive, pro-feminism adult stores that are marvelous in terms of health and sex education, empowered-women literature, educational videos, and important items for a healthy sexuality AND information on how to use them safely and happily. It's not that one should never frequent adult shops, it's that one should be very discerning to choose those that promote healthy sexuality for everyone rather than a fake-boob worshipping hall of creepers.

The same goes for women - not all women who engage in overt sexual displays or activity are victims. Painting us all as victims with no ability to empower our own sexual choices is as insidious as painting us all as whores. Women have the identical capacity to develop our sexuality as we see fit as men, and that takes many different forms - from people such as Arielle who choose to abstain until marriage to people who enjoy a non-monogamous life to the fullest. The true empowerment comes from respecting and accepting women's own choices regarding their sexuality and allowing them to live shame-free.

brittny 4-06-2010 @ 11:33PM

to the author: congrats on being so foward-thinking and responsible!!

to Mackenzie: I have to say i agree wholeheartedly. I am a mature, willing, consenting female adult, and i have no problem going to adult stores with my partner; AND alone. we've been together a few years now, and we live together, and i think that there is nothing wrong with ANYTHING we do together; including going to adult stores, & watching (and making) porn. when you're with someone who loves you for who you are (which happens to be a "living, breathing, thinking, feeling woman"), then any consensual act is just an expression of that love. as an empowered adult female, i am perfectly capable of occasionally letting loose in my relationship for both my pleasure, and his, without at all feeling exploited....even if it involves heandcuffs

Lee 3-04-2010 @ 7:32PM

@Kelly

There are female positive non-skeezy adult stores out there.
For example Babeland and Good Vibrations.

Warren 3-04-2010 @ 4:20PM

"No one even vaguely resembling a mature adult goes into an 'adult store,' and no real gentleman would be caught dead in one of those clubs."

And yet...

"Nothing is taboo. The only dangerous topics are the ones that are censored and turned into tantalizing forbidden fruit."

Does this not strike you as being just a little contradictory?

Also, characterizing people who go either to adult-ware stores or adult clubs as prurient is, to say the least, rather bigoted of you.

"Then, I hasten to add, the doll was quickly discarded. So was the magazine."

I suggest you check your trash.

BeQui 3-05-2010 @ 10:56AM

Great for you to talk to your son honestly and openly.

I want to add my vote to the people who say adult stores are fine. If my mom or grandma saw me go in one, they're ask what I bought and maybe go with me the next time for a recommendation. That's another part of being open and honest with your kids.

Arielle, Good luck. It's not easy to wait, but it's worth it. Just be careful who you date, and if you feel uncomfortable in a situation, GET OUT, even if it means being rude to the guy.

Amy 3-07-2010 @ 12:30PM

Thanks for the laugh and what a lucky boy to have you to tell him like it is - from your perspective. He's getting your values loud and clear.

Providing a lot of information AND talking about values is the one-two punch kids need to make great decsions about sexuality, love, and relationships.

bzybee 3-07-2010 @ 9:45PM

I must admit, the title almost caused me to skip this article. Glad I didn't; nice to think that somewhere in this country are people (male and female) that recognize how skewed our society is to female subjugation/degradation/favorite noun here (what percentage of rated R movies are because of FEMALE nudity, fully frontal, as opposed to a brief flash of male buttocks?). So, I applaud the author. However, I must agree that many "adult" shops are also intended for the female consumer, and although the contents therein may be again, heavily favored to male tastes, we are there because we want to be, and not because we are forced to submit to a T&A show because we simply want to see a popular movie.

Alice 3-08-2010 @ 7:04PM

Very interesting article, not only well written but meaningful. The only thing I don't get is - why a blow-up doll and not a diagram?

Dawn 3-10-2010 @ 6:31PM

Another "adult store" fan here. I've bought a lot of stuff for my partner and myself. I don't consider anything that passes between 2 consenting adults demeaning (and yes, we do watch porn together, usually sites that post amateur videos/pictures so we know that the people doing them are willing).

I don't get the inflatable doll, although, from the description in the post, he used it to simply identify body parts. Since I have never seen one of those (that hasn't piqued my or my partner's interest), I can't really comment.

My personal favorite book which both my kids read, is "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives". Written by the "Our Bodies, Ourselves" people, they talk to teens and present almost every topic bluntly and non-judgmentally.

@Arielle: Your decision applies to you and works for you. I respect that. It may or may not apply to others, so it is wrong to judge them and their decisions. Keep your choice. It is not a wrong choice, but neither is the opposite. There was no time when all people remained chaste until marriage. Even in the early American years, there were many marriages AFTER the first child was conceived, if not delivered. One of the tasks of a midwife, delivering an unwed mother, was "taking testimony" from the mother so that the father could be identified and encouraged to either marry the woman or provide support for an infant. If you are interested in American history, "A Midwife's Tale" by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is an interesting view of life in Maine in the late 1700s and early 1800s.

denice 3-13-2010 @ 3:34AM

this is the most idiotic article. sex doll?? it does not explain in the least real female anatomy. if this is what the adult thought of as what constitutes a woman he is not the one to sit down with his son. get a diagram and explain the body parts and their function. explain female sexual response. female sexuality is not passive ie a sex doll and playboy is looking at women as passive. geez. if a sex store is for losers where did you get the sex doll and playboy. again this man has severe hang ups regarding women and sex. hopefully the boys mom can sit with him and explain real female sexuality, women do go into sex stores and buy sex toys and look at porn.

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