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How Can I Get My Husband to Help?
Filed under: Relationships, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My husband and I both work long days. After work, four nights a week, I go to school so I don't come home until about 9 pm. That leaves my husband picking up the kids from school. On my day off I do any running around that's needed, cleaning that has been missed around the house and I give my husband a break from picking up the kids. Since my husband has a lot more free time than I do, how can I get him to help with the children's homework and clean up on a regular basis, and not just when I ask him?
Signed,
Help!
Dear Help,
While women tend to be instinctively good at multitasking, most men are wired to focus on one thing at a time. Rather than taking his behavior personally, and criticizing him for not doing more, acknowledge the many things he does do, and let him know the relief it brings you at the end of your busy day. Regardless of the fact that he is jointly responsible for your children and household, appreciating him for his support will go a long way toward motivating him to stretch further.
Approach your husband as a partner -- rather than a scolding parent -- so he won't feel like he's "in trouble" and become guarded and defensive. Focus on what you need, and the positive things his help will do for you all.
Typically, men are happy to help if they know the specifics of what we want. Rather than saying something vague like, "I wish you would do more around the house," communicate clearly what you need, and how it would benefit you and the family.
"Could you spend 20 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Daniel, supervising his math homework? His teacher says he's been struggling. I'd be so relieved to know he's getting some extra attention." Or: "I want the kids to help with their own laundry. On Wednesdays, would you be willing to supervise them loading their clothes and getting them into the dryer? That would give us all an extra hour or so on the weekends to relax together. I'd love that!"
The more you appreciate your husband's efforts and let him know the positive results they bring -- and the more specific you are with your requests -- the more he'll tap into his desire to offer you the support you need and want.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
My husband and I both work long days. After work, four nights a week, I go to school so I don't come home until about 9 pm. That leaves my husband picking up the kids from school. On my day off I do any running around that's needed, cleaning that has been missed around the house and I give my husband a break from picking up the kids. Since my husband has a lot more free time than I do, how can I get him to help with the children's homework and clean up on a regular basis, and not just when I ask him?
Signed,
Help!
Dear Help,
While women tend to be instinctively good at multitasking, most men are wired to focus on one thing at a time. Rather than taking his behavior personally, and criticizing him for not doing more, acknowledge the many things he does do, and let him know the relief it brings you at the end of your busy day. Regardless of the fact that he is jointly responsible for your children and household, appreciating him for his support will go a long way toward motivating him to stretch further.
Approach your husband as a partner -- rather than a scolding parent -- so he won't feel like he's "in trouble" and become guarded and defensive. Focus on what you need, and the positive things his help will do for you all.
Typically, men are happy to help if they know the specifics of what we want. Rather than saying something vague like, "I wish you would do more around the house," communicate clearly what you need, and how it would benefit you and the family.
"Could you spend 20 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Daniel, supervising his math homework? His teacher says he's been struggling. I'd be so relieved to know he's getting some extra attention." Or: "I want the kids to help with their own laundry. On Wednesdays, would you be willing to supervise them loading their clothes and getting them into the dryer? That would give us all an extra hour or so on the weekends to relax together. I'd love that!"
The more you appreciate your husband's efforts and let him know the positive results they bring -- and the more specific you are with your requests -- the more he'll tap into his desire to offer you the support you need and want.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
3-09-2010 @ 12:07PM
Lynn said...Probably not as bad as being stuck with a limp dicked, rude, inconsiderate, nasty tempered bore such as yourself.
3-08-2010 @ 5:36PM
LadyWiccan said...Maybe my husband ( 67) is wierd, but when our kids were growing up he always helped when he was home, but being a sailor sometime it wasn't too often. After he retired we still had kids at home in he'd pitch right in and help with what needed to be done
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 11:34AM
frustrated said...You are very lucky. I'm a stay-at-home mom (which is what my husband told me he wanted) with a teenage boy that I homeschool. I'm in college myself, working on my second degree. My husband works 40 hrs a week (sometimes) at a job that's about 2 1/2 hours away from our home. He rents an apt so he doesn't have to commute.
My son and I take care of the cleaning of the house since my husband is gone all week. When he comes home for the weekend, it's like a tornado came through. We (my son and I) spent the two days he's here cleaning up after him. He brings all his laundry, which I end up washing and folding. He spends the time watching tv or reading.
When he can't make it up for the weekend, I'll go down and visit him at his apt. It is a small studio apt; really small. It's maybe 400 or 500 sq ft as compared to our 1400 sq ft house. It is a complete pig sty every time I go there. Trash and dirty dishes everywhere, dirty clothes are strewn everywhere and the clean clothes that I washed and folded from the previous weekend are still sitting in the laundry basket. I literally have to clean just to have a place to sit, let alone have a space to put my laptop so I can do my homework.
So I clean all week at the house (which is fine because I'm home all day and I don't have a problem with that), clean up after him while he's home for the weekend, and end up cleaning his apt when I visit. I've tried not cleaning up after him at the house and asking him to pick up after himself but I just end up cleaning after he leaves. I've tried not cleaning his apt (if he wants to live in a pig sty what does it matter to me?) but it gets to a point where I just can't handle it. I've told him how hurt I feel when I get chewed out if the house isn't clean when he comes homes but it, apparently, is ok for me to walk into a pig sty at his place.
Nothing...absolutely nothing changes...all his says is that he can't help it he's lazy and doesn't want to do anything after work and on the weekends...
oh and btw, one of my "duties" is to call him every morning during the week to wake him up...I'm supposed to talk to him about things that will get him mind working so he can wake up...he doesn't even set his alarm anymore...I am his alarm clock...
and I have to call him at work if I don't hear from him by a certain time...this is to remind him to leave work...
and I rarely get any thanks for any of it...I do, however, have to fall all over him with praise for anything he does and for just being him...if I don't then I get to hear about how I don't love him and I only want him around for his paycheck...
consider yourself very lucky....
3-12-2010 @ 2:27PM
inquisitive1 said...Ladies/moms, please help me understand (this is a little off the topic but I need some advice)? We have a 5 year old boy who goes to preschool from 9 to between 1 and 3 everyday. I wake him up around 7:45 every morning and help him brush, rinse, floss, brush hair, dress, make sure he makes his bed and puts away all of his clothes, and feeds his fish and lizards. At the same time, I make his lunch and his breakfast. I then drop him off at school. 2 or 3 out of 5 days, mom is still asleep while I do my routine. The days that she wakes up, our son ends up in tears everytime because they wrestle and play and somehow I get blamed for allowing it to happen and not discipling our son? 4 out of 5 days she will pick him up and I pick him up and take him to tee ball practice every Wed. I also make dinner 6 out of 7 nights for us and when I do, I always do the dishes and I try to keep the kitchen always clean. I also help keep the play room, our son's room and our room clean but definitely not up to her standards. She is a hard core OCD cleaner around the house (I'm not exaggerating. Her friends and mother comment on it consistnetly. Here's an example, we are at a 5 star hotel in HI, and she spent at least an hour a day cleaning our room after the maid cleaned.) I continually offer and genuinely try to help in areas above and beyond but I still get criticized when I do for not doing it her way? If I see trash, I take it out. If there are dishes, I do them. I asked her for a list of chores but she said she feels guilty because I am at the office all day and she is home. To her credit, she started a new home based business about 6 months ago making jewelry and it is time consuming and she has produced some beautiful pieces. Unfortunately we have spent a lot more than we have made to date. Becasue of the economy, my salary is barely enough to cover our expenses and sometime falls short. I want to support her passion but have also told her that she might need to get a part time job with a fixed salary. That idea has not gone over well.
So I guess I have a couple questions, how can I support her better from an emotional standpoint? How can I have "her back" more? How can I add value around the house? (I love the Power Hour idea but know that she will still spend hours and hours after the Power Hour) How can I get her to be excited about a part time job? We live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country and we have a ton of family support around and have a TON to be grateful for.
Regards,
Not a victim, just trying to make things better for all
6-01-2010 @ 6:35PM
Lisa said...Dear Frustrated -- your husband doesnt want a wife and family - he wants a maid and butler! Time to stop mothering him so you can have time to be his wife - and tell him so!
3-09-2010 @ 10:07AM
Kay said...How funny! I'm 66 now and I remember when I was younger and my kids were little I asked my husband to do something. He just looked at me like I was from another world. We have funny water here, high mineral and such. I asked hubby to wipe down the shower when he was done to cut down on the ugly water spots and to keep the shower and shower door looking nice longer. What he said to me? "Why should I do your job?" And at this time I was working full time at a major company and the work was physical not office work. I did packaging lifting boxes that had two full, two and a half gallon jugs in them! He was a tool maker who stood or sat by his machine/ lathes, boring mills and such for 8 hours a day. He never helped around here no matter what I asked him to do. And I asked nicely not demanding. His idea was if it had to do with the house or kids it was my job.. His job was mowing the lawn, unless he could talk me or the kids to do it for him!
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 11:55AM
Michele said...So the next time he asks you to "satisfy him" tell him he has two hands to do the job and he should do it himself, you have other jobs that are your job to do!
3-08-2010 @ 8:40PM
seneca627 said...So wait.....4 days a week she doesn't come home until 9pm. I would think the kids are done with everything by then, which means that the dad does all of the duties 4 days a week. Why can't she take the other 3 days? I think that's more than fair. If she wants more she could bribe him with kinky sex lol that always works.
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 8:05AM
Heather said...It sounds like she's saying he doesn't do much on those days that she's out until 9pm. This article makes me appreciate my husband. I work full time, 3-11pm. My husband picks up our son, helps with homework, puts him to bed, AND picks up any slack when it comes to housework...he even brings me dinner sometimes. I've got a real gem!
3-09-2010 @ 8:31AM
Tom said...Advice is right on target. Ask me anything and you'll get everything. Tell me what to do and you will get nothing. I am a partner not a employee. I do what I am told at work not at home.
I wished we men knew what to do but plain and simple we don't. If we take it upon ourselves to do something it's usually wrong or not what the wife wanted done. Most of the time the women say I didn't want that done yet, I needed this done. Oh boy here it comes@###$$%.
Ladies what you ment to say was, that was so thoughtfull of you honey, but if you could do this for "us" it would really help out. "No problem babe I'm on it. Anything else"?
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 9:49AM
Bobby 5000 said...I have these suggestions.
1. Be complimentary about the work that was done. There is nothing more debilittating than spending two hours and being nitpicked that the towels were folded wrong.
2. Make requests in a nice way. When women ask friends or casual acquintainces to do something, they us the nice, soft, somewhat flirty feminine voice, while husbands and family members sometimes get the tough voice. Start and end with a compliment.
3. Be organized. Consider a family meeting, once a week, to review work and priorities. Nothing worse than watching a football game, or riding in the car and being deluged with requests.
4. Have a good sex life.
5. Men like deals, arrangements, challenges.
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 10:08AM
ellejay said...Like im so sure that the wife gets compliments every time she does something around the house. "Thanks for doin my laundry hon" or "great job on the dishes!"
Why does a mans ego have to be stroked in order for him to do something that is his responsibility anyway?
Thats a double standard.
3-09-2010 @ 11:58AM
Michele said...Be careful, she hasn't enough time to do all things, if she has to spend more time stroking your ego she'll have less time to stroke anything else!
3-09-2010 @ 9:18AM
R_U_Kidding said...Help is all about "me". The children and husband are being neglected. Help needs to better balance husband, children, career, and school time. It sounds like Help does not have time for anyone else if she is spending 50 hours at work and another 12 or more hours at school. Are the husband and children just accomplishments like work and school. The career will eventually end but the relationship scars will remain.
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 11:52AM
Laura said...Hey R_U_, bet you wouldn't be talking about how neglected everyone is if it were hubby trying to better himself by going back to school, but that is the typical double standard held by far too many men. I work full time and go to the gym five days a week to stay in shape. When I get home to my beer guzzling other half, who is usually already half in the bag, I get a nice "what's for supper?". And no, he is not much, if any, help around the house. If he does do something, he feels he is entitled to a gold star. I don't see many gold stars being handed to me for all I do, but I do it anyway.
3-09-2010 @ 2:54PM
Kay said...Well, if her husband made a sufficient income to allow his wife to stay home with the children, I can see your point, but...someone has to pick up the slack. Actually though, if that were the case, she would be at his mercy and when he decided to cheat or leave her or gamble their money away, she would be left holding that bag with no skill and much reduced opportunity to move on. So...it is very difficult to win for losing. I too am sick of being advised to cater to a man's ego, he is clearly not worried about her ego, what ever happened to the golden rule? Oh, now I get it, that only applies to women. Hey women! Remember, the one who rocks the cradle rules the world - start rocking to an updated rhythm and do not allow a partner to walk all over you starting on day 1.
3-09-2010 @ 9:36AM
Angiebaby said...Dear Help, Let me enlighten you with some REAL 411 about your life and how to make it work better because Adviceidiot is out to lunch. Again. You work long days, and on 4 days a week you don't get home until bedtime. Well, sweetie, your husband works long hours, too, and on 4 days he works until bedtime just like you do. Yes, it is work to take care of kids. Does he run them to sports practices, go to school meetings, does he make sure they get fed and clean up the kitchen afterwards? Do they go to bed clean, homework done and safe?
You said he does housework and on your day off, you clean what has been "missed". While Adviceguru reminds you hubby is jointly responsible for your home, right now, that's not true. While you are away 4 nights a week improving yourself, which I applaud, your husband is the one, and the ONLY one, keeping your home together. He's picking up the slack and sounds like he's doing it very well. But yet, you want MORE. And I'm fixing to tell you how to get it.
Let me start off by saying I doubt your husband has anything MORE to give. So, where, oh, where is the energy going to come from? 1. Children's chores. And 2. The Power Hour.
Junior needs help with his math? Sit Jr.'s little ass down and tell him to pay attention in class, read his math book and do the exercises, then work problems until he gets the concept (you know, the answers ARE in the back of the book) and to get his grade up. If Jr. can figure out how to make it to the 8th level of the secret world in a virtual landscape in a video game, he can do some damn math. Make a SCHEDULED chore chart for the kids. On Sunday afternoon or Thursday eve., or whenever, the kids have to do their laundry. What are the chores which get left undone? If their little fingers can text message and work the friggin' computer keyboard like Navy SEALs, they can dust and pick up what they drag out to play with. Okay?
And on to the second phase of solving your imaginary problem. Your family needs to start the Saturday Morning Power Hour. No, not go to church on Saturday, too. A CLEANING power hour. For a set hour, Mom, Dad and each & every kid works like Superman to get things done. After that hour, the rest of the weekend is time off, at least for you and the Mister. Be specific about what each kid must do. One person can only take so much, for so long, and your husband sounds like a real keeper. Dont you want to make things better and easier for BOTH of you?
Signed,
Your family consists of at least 4 or 5 people, so why are only 2 people who work from sun up, to well past sundown, doing all the work?
Reply
3-10-2010 @ 10:46AM
melissa said...why are you not writing this article???
"If Jr. can figure out how to make it to the 8th level of the secret world in a virtual landscape in a video game, he can do some damn math."
OMG thats spot on!!! i'm using this on my 11y/o TONIGHT!!
3-09-2010 @ 9:39AM
Nancy said...I don't get it. Why do men/fathers need praise all the time? I never get praise for how clean I got the toilet or how they never want for clean socks nor am I asked nicely to mop the floor. Why do they always need ego boosters? Aren't they adults who should know what to do in the first place?
Reply
3-09-2010 @ 10:01AM
john b said...If you want your husband to help, it is simple do not nag! Women tend to make projects out of every thing, while a man just handels the current situation
It has nothing to do with multitasking
Reply