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How Can I Get My Husband to Help?
Filed under: Relationships, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My husband and I both work long days. After work, four nights a week, I go to school so I don't come home until about 9 pm. That leaves my husband picking up the kids from school. On my day off I do any running around that's needed, cleaning that has been missed around the house and I give my husband a break from picking up the kids. Since my husband has a lot more free time than I do, how can I get him to help with the children's homework and clean up on a regular basis, and not just when I ask him?
Signed,
Help!
Dear Help,
While women tend to be instinctively good at multitasking, most men are wired to focus on one thing at a time. Rather than taking his behavior personally, and criticizing him for not doing more, acknowledge the many things he does do, and let him know the relief it brings you at the end of your busy day. Regardless of the fact that he is jointly responsible for your children and household, appreciating him for his support will go a long way toward motivating him to stretch further.
Approach your husband as a partner -- rather than a scolding parent -- so he won't feel like he's "in trouble" and become guarded and defensive. Focus on what you need, and the positive things his help will do for you all.
Typically, men are happy to help if they know the specifics of what we want. Rather than saying something vague like, "I wish you would do more around the house," communicate clearly what you need, and how it would benefit you and the family.
"Could you spend 20 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Daniel, supervising his math homework? His teacher says he's been struggling. I'd be so relieved to know he's getting some extra attention." Or: "I want the kids to help with their own laundry. On Wednesdays, would you be willing to supervise them loading their clothes and getting them into the dryer? That would give us all an extra hour or so on the weekends to relax together. I'd love that!"
The more you appreciate your husband's efforts and let him know the positive results they bring -- and the more specific you are with your requests -- the more he'll tap into his desire to offer you the support you need and want.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
My husband and I both work long days. After work, four nights a week, I go to school so I don't come home until about 9 pm. That leaves my husband picking up the kids from school. On my day off I do any running around that's needed, cleaning that has been missed around the house and I give my husband a break from picking up the kids. Since my husband has a lot more free time than I do, how can I get him to help with the children's homework and clean up on a regular basis, and not just when I ask him?
Signed,
Help!
Dear Help,
While women tend to be instinctively good at multitasking, most men are wired to focus on one thing at a time. Rather than taking his behavior personally, and criticizing him for not doing more, acknowledge the many things he does do, and let him know the relief it brings you at the end of your busy day. Regardless of the fact that he is jointly responsible for your children and household, appreciating him for his support will go a long way toward motivating him to stretch further.
Approach your husband as a partner -- rather than a scolding parent -- so he won't feel like he's "in trouble" and become guarded and defensive. Focus on what you need, and the positive things his help will do for you all.
Typically, men are happy to help if they know the specifics of what we want. Rather than saying something vague like, "I wish you would do more around the house," communicate clearly what you need, and how it would benefit you and the family.
"Could you spend 20 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Daniel, supervising his math homework? His teacher says he's been struggling. I'd be so relieved to know he's getting some extra attention." Or: "I want the kids to help with their own laundry. On Wednesdays, would you be willing to supervise them loading their clothes and getting them into the dryer? That would give us all an extra hour or so on the weekends to relax together. I'd love that!"
The more you appreciate your husband's efforts and let him know the positive results they bring -- and the more specific you are with your requests -- the more he'll tap into his desire to offer you the support you need and want.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
5-14-2010 @ 11:58PM
HH6 said...I agree, Sean; 4 nights of school a week are too much. Either wait till your children are all grown up or take one online course and do your schoolwork when everyone is asleep. That is how I did my doctorate and worked a full-time job.
3-09-2010 @ 4:35PM
Michaelquerty said...You have your MommyStatus, MarriageStatus, and working on MoneyStatus by going back to school, I guess Matriarch Status is next it seems. YOUGOGIRL!!! Bad man or is it, bad stereotyping fluff hyped by negative American Society? Apparently males are only uselful until 18 because of giving status #1 as sons and perpetuating the cycle with sperm/money donation.
Sounds like your gettting your EGO's Victim Side Stroked pretty good here!
Reply
3-15-2010 @ 1:10AM
joey said...I must say that I have a wonderful wife and shes a pretty great mom but she lacks a bit here and there but we're not all created the same but she does her BEST at everything. The kitchen is mine, all mine, cook, clean, organize, buy food etc... She is a clean-aholic but she is very unorganized and forgets where she puts papers, keys... well everything, I got her a file cabinet and still she don't use it. I can't take the fact that our children ( 4 of them ) ages 7 to 14 are slackers, big time, why you ask, cuz mom does everything for them and it burns my butt that she don't enforce the rules we discuss every week, so when I do it, I look like the bad guy... Thanks Hun. I help clean in other areas of the house, bathrooms, our room, vacuum, feed our pets, fix things,fix the cars etc... although I do not expect praise at all or adorne it, I just let her know what I had done so she don't have to do it so she can relax and take it easy but yes she has to inspect my work and if it's not to HER standards I hear it, not bad but she'll complain, mind you I have a touch of OCD and have a bad habbit of being meticulous when I do my work, I was always told if you're going to do something, to give it your all or nothing. I tell you this, when she gets mad because the house is a bit upside down, I ask what is wrong and she calms down without giving me my answer, so there I know my que. I always tell my wife good job and sit down I'll do it and bring her flowers on occasion, it makes her happy, so why not. I don't really have a point here except everyone is different and time don't help any but I think the big key is communicate and if you can type as much as I just did and I'm really slow at typing, I could of just did the floors and cleaned the table but it's already done and it's 1 am. and I really hate computers. but good luck to all and atleast try dropping hints and communicate, well sex might work too... lol good night.
Reply
3-15-2010 @ 3:02AM
Brenda said...My husband 33 years, was raised with 4 other brothers and no sisters. Cleans house, does dishes, mows the lawn and works a 40+ week job. Must have found a good man. We praise each other with each others love and affection. It is best not to nag at them. If there is something extra to be done, start a list for things thst need to be done but nagging isn't goining to get the job done, just time. Make suggestions on how to help with some of the things that need to be done around the house. Or start doing them yourself that usually gets them motivated to do things...
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