My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!

As a mother of 4 daughters in 20's and teens, and as someone who never spoke to my mother as a teen, because she was and is all about appearances. I swore to do things differently. I am only 42 and was open and forthcoming when my daughters would tell me thier stories. I would try to relate with my own experiences instead with judgement and ridicule. I tried to do as much with my kids as possible but be a parent and not a friend. Now my oldest takes things said out of context or limits the use to make all her problems my fault. Such as just the other day, she told my husband i am mentally abusive because i once told her when she was younger "that no one would like her" and apparently her lack of friends is because of what i told her, not because she changed colleges 3 times in 3 years. When in actuality what i told her when she was being rude and caddy to other little girls was "if you talk to other people like that, then no one will want to be your friend". So not listening can go both ways and can be selective to try to put it into context of what you may want to hear. I was not a great teen nor a perfect parent, but as a mother who has already given up having a meaningful relationship with my own mother, i desperately try to have one with my own children and still am struggling. Right now it is a day to day process, some good, some not, but parents can't do it if the child shuts them out, before it's too late. My mother and i have come to an unspoken resolve to be cordial and civil, but that is about it. Try not to let time pass too much to get to that point, as i am with my own daughters.

I have a 16 year old daughter that has been diagnosed bi-polar and clinically depressed. She was admitted into hospital for cutting and I found it truely difficult to speak to her since, and actually before. I tried many things to talk to her about what she was going thru. Everything was " nothing, or Im fine" after she came home.So I went to store and bought a plane jane journal. I decided that I would try writting back and fourth to her in this. We didn't actually "speak", but it did help! I wrote the first day, I thought this would be fun, Im gonna write something in here about me that you didn't know about me, and I started to tell her about how I always wanted to own my own resturaunt. I went on and on about my dreams, and left the book in her room, and didn't say anything. The next day the book was on my bed with thoughts from her. We continue to do this and it really helps. Give it a try

Elizabeth,

There's still the chance you can talk to your mom. I am the mother of two grown sons and a daughter, who like you was frustrated when I would try to talk to my mother. She would always give me the same glib piece of advice when I tried to open up to her, "this too shall pass". It started to be a joke between my sister and I who ended up confiding in each other instead. She would either say that, or out of nowhere, ask a totally unrelated question. Then she would tell me that she just wanted me to view her as a friend.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until my 30's that I just got so frustrated and told her that I know things will pass, but I'm feeling them right NOW and I didn't need anymore friends, just my mom.

I'm not saying that changed everything around all at once, but it has been better than back in those days. I'm just sorry I didn't have the confidence to do it before and let so much time pass. After all, your mom is your mom and nothing can ever change that. And while you can't change how other people around you react or what they say, you can change how you deal with it. My advice, is to show her the article and let her know how you need to be heard. Sometimes it's good to set ground rules (on both sides) to have a good meaningful discussion. That's not even just about you and your mom, that's pretty much any relationship throughout your life. Like I said, wish I didn't wait so long to figure it out, but here I am and at least I did figure it out.

In a way what she did, believe it or not helped me to be a better mom. My sons have always talked to me, and while I didn't always agree with the things they did, I would ask them what they thought they could do to deal with it or how they would handle things going forward. And only if they asked my advice (which they did from time to time), would I give it.

Sorry this is long, but I didn't want you to lose hope on her just yet. Even if it's not the relationship you had in mind to have with your mom, as long as you have someone - friends, other family members, anybody; you can still have a meaningful relationship with her.

Hope this helps you somewhat. Good luck and take care!!

Elizabeth,
Sorry your mom would not listen when you were 13.
But, please answer me this:
Just what did you expect your mother to say?
Did you want her to listen without saying ANYTHING?
I know the stereotype is that "women want empathy" and "men want solutions" or to "fix things". Was this true or false for you? You seemed to want your mom to help you "fix" the problem, but, some problems are not readily "fixable". So... the best thing is to do as your mother suggested - learn from the experience and help prevent the problem from reoccurring.
Remember - kids do not come with operating manuals and trobleshooting guides and you are each different. Whether you like it or not, whether the "experts" agree or not, parents can not read your minds and kids need to express themselves (verbally or in writing). How else can the parents know what is going on?
If they fail you one time or ten times, you have to keep expressing. Hopefully, sooner or later, the parents will be able to listen!

I've gotta say, I am truly lucky to have a great relationship with my son (16). He has ALWAYS been open & honest with me (even when he was wrong & knew I'd be angry/upset), and knows that he can talk to me about anything. Of course, I may be mad, but he knows that I am the one person in the world who will never judge him, or make him feel worse - I am his his biggest fan, and intend to be there for him thru thick & thin. I think the most important thing is to let your teen KNOW that - that while of the rest of the world my ridicule him/her, or turn their backs on them - that you, as the their parent, love them unconditionally & will never judge them. It's so hard to be a teen these days, and I think just knowing that I have his back, has made my relationship with my son a great one. There is nothing he won't tell me (and sometimes I really wish he would keep SOME things to himself - lol), and I love that - I never had that kind of relationship with my parents growing up, and I really wish I had.

I have two daughters, age 25 and 26. My oldest daughter Amber has always been so mean to me as teen. She was very rebellious. She moved out when 17, because because I would not let her go to a RAVE party.(think thats what call party where everyone does acid) When she met nice guys, she wld say "they are to nice". My Mom always told me we would be very close one day wnen she grows up, and I had a very close relationship with my Mom. Well she got married at 19 to a guy that did drugs. He ended up getting killed, walking on freeway while messed up. I helped motivate her to get a job as flight attendant to take mind off of what she was going thru at such young age. After got the job she started dating friend of late husband who is bipolar and does drugs. She came up pregnant. I realized that no matter how I felt about this guy, I had to accept it cause now she is having a baby.(When Amber was in high school would cut ankles with blade and I adviced her to go to counseling. I found out about cutting,she was not open about it. I called everyone to get help and was always told she has to want help.) She married this guy and ended up getting divorce a year later cause he would not stop doing drugs. He is 27 and never worked a day since parents do everything for him. I was excited with her thru pregnancy. I did everything for her. She was being so nice to me for the first time thru her pregnancy. I thanked God that finally we can be close. I so much for her and bought her everything she would need for baby. I love being Grandma. After she left husband number 2, we let her come back home and thought she finally has grown out of the teen stage. She lived with us for a year. I payed for everything she needed. I loaned her money to pay all her debt she accumulated frm before. She co-signed on a truck for a boyfriend that sells drugs for living. (even though while growing up we adviced her never to do such a thing). We loaned her money for the Divorce. Her job keeps her in other states at least 3 days a week, so I quit my job of 10 years, to watch baby after she ask me to. When she moved back in, after 3 months she started treating me like dirt again. She wld yell at me and try to control me using her baby. After she was here a year we let her no that she needs to get her own place,so she did. Its like I have no life because she boses me around and if I say anything tells me I can't see my grandson. If I tell her I can't watch him today she gets really angry. I have told her that I will only watch him while she is working, so when she is home Amber leaves him with others so she can go out. Don;t get me wrong, she is a very good Mom. I have watched how attentive she is to her baby. I don't tell her how to do anything with him, seems she is doing great. But if I say anything to her she turns it into a nrgative. ( for instance: Me "Its so hot out today". Amber: "Oh my gosh, you are always complaining that its to hot to watch my kid, maybe I need to find someone else". Or when my sister was coming to town and Amber ask her if she wanted to go to the flea market. When my sister said, "No, its to hot we may go to mall". Amber got so hysterically mad and said no one likes her and she might as well find something else to do when my sister comes. Said that she took off work to be with us for nothing, when she was already off those days anyway. Right now Amber is working and I have the baby for 3 days. He is 2 years old now and loves to come to Grandma's cause I spent every moment playing with him and doing educational things with him.

She is getting back with the Dad, even though all her friends and family have adviced not too.(He has hit her before and threatened her with a knife). When she dropped the baby off, I reminded her that she owes me money and I have been very patient. I don't want it right now, just little reminder. Since she is back with the guy that I loaned her money to Divorce, it made me say something, even though I know better. I am so sorry to make this so long but don't know how to make it short. After I said that about money, she says, " I am so angry right now and shaking, you are the Mom I hope never to be. When I get back you will never see or hear from me again!. She wld not let me talk to her and when I try she just yaps something really loud so she can't hear me. My whole family feels bad that I have to go thru this with her. They know Amber as Drama Queen. Always needs Drama, always has to be right and no one can disagree with her. Even though I know all that I hope and pray that we get close like we were when she was pregnant and shortly after baby was born. Like 6 months. Her sister is so sweet. Amber was seeing a counselor. We think she stoped going cause maybe therapist disagreed with Amber about something. I know when she gets back she is planning not to let me see my grandson any more. She did this once before and I feel apart. I guess this time I have to just handle it. Any help

Really? Purchasing a toy is going to help a teenager talk to their parent? I know if I tried this with either of my teens, they'd think I'd completely lost my mind.

I've always had a very open relationship with both of my kids, now 21 (girl) and 17 (boy). I believe the key is to start when they're young, and have "normal" conversations with them, not just the glossy stuff a lot of parents do. My kids and I have deep discussions about politics, religion, government, sex, drugs, alcohol, music, history......really, anything. And they don't always agree with me....I haven't raised them to be parrots repeating my ideas, but to be independent thinking young adults. But even if we don't agree, they know we all respect each other's opinions. I think that level of respect is what's missing in a lot of parent/child relationships. Once they're teenagers, you can no longer DEMAND respect just because "I'm the mom".....they start to question things, and you have to work to keep their respect, and should give the same to them.

I know buying a "toy" sounds a little strange, but a lot of times parents forget that their teens are still kids at hearts. These are not just toys they have really beautiful books that carry strong messages.
They are not your typical children's book the stories really have a profound effect on the way you look at emotions. The author who created these books started drawing these characters when she was a teen and needed an outlet with how she was feeling. Take a read of one and you will see what I mean.

Dee, you are right on target. I dealt with that and learned how to get beyond the demand for respect. My wife has dealt with it up until a few months ago. Imagine being in your late twenties and your parents demand your attention and obedience and respect, even though you are married. Then, their actions demonstrate your spouse needs to butt out. Fortunately it has brought my wife and I closer and stronger. Unfortunately, her mother has decided that communication is off the table and then goes to back stab us with the rest of the family and the church. Good communication needs to be the priority for both parties. Also, many parents need to learn that children are not their forever slaves! If a parent child relationship becomes abusive and controlling, it is no longer a relationship. My wife and I are dedicated to healthy communication. As far as giving up, always raise your kids to look adults in the eye, don't accept mumbling and body gestures as communication, and know what is going on in their lives. The hardest thing about a job is actually doing it! Be friends when the kids are adults.

If she isn't your family you have every right to stay away but family stands by even when a person has a boat load of problems because who else would? Not every bad mood or social issue is simple and mental illness shows itself in many ways. You just have to keep trying.

Colleen, you are wrong. You have a right to your own life. What you describe as helping is known as enabling. I know an alcoholic that would love for me to continue being supportive. Had I obliged, I would not be married. So, now that it's family, do I feed him or my wife and daughter? Some people will mess up. Lend them a rope. They need to decided to climb out of the hole and hang themself.

I love your advice, Momma Bear. I'm going to buy a journal today for my daughter and me. I hope this helps with our communication deficit we seem to be having now.

THANK YOU for that sound advice! I have a 14,12 and 10 year old and I am going to keep a copy of your advice for many future references I am sure. The back and forth journal is an excellent new idea for me. I think sometimes my predictability aggrevates my kids and now instead of bellowing at each other in frustration we can put it on a tangible surface that has to be a bit less impulsive and more meaningful than our typical first responses.

i agree with you on many levels i have two boys 13 and 15 and i have the best conversations with each of them in my car. i try and have time with each of them alone and it really works i get them to tell me whats going on and even though sometimes the things they tell me want to make me scream i take a deep breath and i give them advice without really telling them what to do. my oldest even told me once that his friends hate their parents and he could never feel that way-this made me feel like i have done a good job.

God Bless you Mama Bear, your words of wisdom should reach far and wide , and hope the they reach the ears of all parents going through this precious time with our children. Our children will always need us as parents, and there must be respect as both.