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My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!
Filed under: Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
How do I get my teenage daughter to speak to me? She always seems to be in a bad mood, no matter what the problem may be. Even if it has nothing to do with me she takes her anger out on me. I've tried talking to her and explaining that she can't hate the world or me if things don't always go as she would like it. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, she still refuses to speak to me for a week if not a month, if she's upset about something. And she'll never tell me what she's upset about.
Signed,
Daughter Distant
Dear Daughter Distant,
Most parents believe that as their children move into adolescence, they no longer want the companionship or advice of mom and dad.
Society fuels this myth, resulting in the fact that many parents give up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with their kids once they hit their teen years. They accept the lack of eye contact, preference for friends over family, and their teen's resistance to opening up to them about the challenges they're facing.
Speaking as someone who has spent thousands of hours with hundreds of teens, I can tell you this: Adolescents want and need to feel deeply connected to their parents. They have a profound longing to be seen, guided and understood by the important adults in their life.
The problem is that the way we approach our teenagers triggers their instincts to retreat rather than come toward us. We unknowingly send messages to our kids about whether we can or cannot hear what they need to tell us.
Usually, a teen refuses to confide in a parent because, when they've done so in the past, that parent has reacted with unwanted lectures, advice or criticism. In a sense, we "teach" our kids that it's not OK to tell us their truth, so they give up trying and shut down. It's common that kids who feel stressed will take their frustration out on those they feel closest to -- in this case, you.
Your daughter's anger and withdrawal are probably as much a function of her feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of her adolescent life as they are about you. In other words, don't take her bad mood personally. While there may be things you're doing to aggravate things, it's just as likely that her angry mood is a function of other problems she's facing. Do, however, take it as a sign that she needs to offload her difficulties, and that she needs you to become a safe haven for her to do so.
Tell your daughter that you know she's upset, and that you're willing to listen to her without interrupting, advising or criticizing. Be caring and kind as she talks, and don't give advice without asking if she wants it. She'll gradually find out how good it feels to have you to confide in, and will open up about what's really bothering her ... if you're patient enough to let her do so without rushing things, or making her wrong about what she's thinking and feeling.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
How do I get my teenage daughter to speak to me? She always seems to be in a bad mood, no matter what the problem may be. Even if it has nothing to do with me she takes her anger out on me. I've tried talking to her and explaining that she can't hate the world or me if things don't always go as she would like it. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, she still refuses to speak to me for a week if not a month, if she's upset about something. And she'll never tell me what she's upset about.
Signed,
Daughter Distant
Dear Daughter Distant,
Most parents believe that as their children move into adolescence, they no longer want the companionship or advice of mom and dad.
Society fuels this myth, resulting in the fact that many parents give up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with their kids once they hit their teen years. They accept the lack of eye contact, preference for friends over family, and their teen's resistance to opening up to them about the challenges they're facing.
Speaking as someone who has spent thousands of hours with hundreds of teens, I can tell you this: Adolescents want and need to feel deeply connected to their parents. They have a profound longing to be seen, guided and understood by the important adults in their life.
The problem is that the way we approach our teenagers triggers their instincts to retreat rather than come toward us. We unknowingly send messages to our kids about whether we can or cannot hear what they need to tell us.
Usually, a teen refuses to confide in a parent because, when they've done so in the past, that parent has reacted with unwanted lectures, advice or criticism. In a sense, we "teach" our kids that it's not OK to tell us their truth, so they give up trying and shut down. It's common that kids who feel stressed will take their frustration out on those they feel closest to -- in this case, you.
Your daughter's anger and withdrawal are probably as much a function of her feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of her adolescent life as they are about you. In other words, don't take her bad mood personally. While there may be things you're doing to aggravate things, it's just as likely that her angry mood is a function of other problems she's facing. Do, however, take it as a sign that she needs to offload her difficulties, and that she needs you to become a safe haven for her to do so.
Tell your daughter that you know she's upset, and that you're willing to listen to her without interrupting, advising or criticizing. Be caring and kind as she talks, and don't give advice without asking if she wants it. She'll gradually find out how good it feels to have you to confide in, and will open up about what's really bothering her ... if you're patient enough to let her do so without rushing things, or making her wrong about what she's thinking and feeling.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 7)
3-16-2010 @ 11:54AM
H.G. said...Great advice momma bear. The written word can be a great way to communicate when things are tough. I've even made up with my husband by email and text at times when the voice tones and attitudes get in the way. I text my daughters often with something funny I heard or saw, just to tell them I miss them that day and love them always. I invite them out to spontaneous quick lunches. Texting/writing may be an easy first step for getting on a positive footing, and most teens are now texting as their primary written communication, so they're into it. Momma bear said it right. You need to listen to them and fight hard not to say judgemental things. And breathe...!!! Being a GOOD mom is never easy!
3-16-2010 @ 12:27PM
glamisgirl said...i agree with mamma bear! i dont know if youll listen to me, a teenager myself, but i love talking to my mom! and my mom doesnt always listen, but its up to me to pick the right time to talk to her. for me the best time is when shes sewing or when were both just sitting around. and she talks to me too. she tells me about her problems and how she feels just as much as i tell her how i feel and my problems. i trust her because she trusts me. and maybe if i had gone to school instead of being homeschooled i wouldnt be this close with her. so maybe its luck that im turning out the way i am. but im pretty darn happy with life. God has blessed it greatly.
and i think a journal is a great idea. sometimes i tell my mom how i feel or whats going on in notes. sometimes its easier cuz u can get what you mean to say just right. i told her a big thing that happend in a note. i couldnt say what had happend..it just wouldnt form into words that i could speak. and i didnt want to see her face when she knew.
i think the main thing that got me to talk to her was that she doesnt judge me. shes soo openminded to whats going on in my life. from my past, to marige, to temptation, to biology, to math, to my boyfriend, to my friends, no matter what it is she listens!
so talk to her/him about ur problems and tell her/him how you feel and if that doesnt work the journal idea works good. and if that dont work just even tell him/her that no matter what happends youll always be there for him/her.
3-16-2010 @ 12:56PM
smiller said...Momma bear, I do agree with some of the things you suggest, however, life is reality and if you babysit them through every little thing with warm fuzzies and no doses of reality and constructive criticism, they are never going to make it in the the scary world they are inheriting.
3-16-2010 @ 9:30AM
Kay Iscah said...It's been a while, but I remember middle school was an exceptionally stressful time. Last thing I wanted to do after fighting through it was recount the whole thing, so the question "How was your day?" was often met with a one word grunt.
I think it's important for parents to remember that it's okay that their child doesn't tell them everything, as long as the child/teen/young adult knows that they can.
Sometimes instead of words and questions, a hug or other gentle touch can be the best way to communicate your presence.
One more suggestion. If you want your teen to open up to you, try opening up to them a little. Tell them stories about your life or thoughts you have that you thought they were too young to hear before (I'm thinking more things that are complex as opposed to 'dirty'.). This is a stage of dissolutionment for many kids as they realize they're parents aren't the perfect creatures they thought they were, but an imperfect person can still be a good role model. I think it's best to be willing to admit your mistakes, but let your teen know that it was a mistake and how you learned from it.
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3-16-2010 @ 9:43PM
Cheli said...Boys are even worse than girls as showing emotion, for most young men, is foreign, frowned upon by many different factions,and just downright uncomfortable for them.
It is so important that teenage boys learn how to communicate their needs at this time. Giving them room to comment, blow off steam, or just feel sad,overwhelmed,or whatever is absolutely necessary.
I have 3 boys, 2 grown and one just becoming a teenager and I see the error of my ways in my older 2. It was confusing when a happy go lucky little guy that told you every little detail of his life turns into a dormant volcano. The blank expression covering up what I am sure were emotions gone rampant.
But don't make the mistake that I did and allow your volcano to infect the rest of the house. I did that with my middle child and he still tries to use this to control us and his siblings when things don't go his way.It's going to be a hard road for him. And communication is very difficult for us to this day.
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3-16-2010 @ 9:41AM
brownidmom3 said...I just want to say how nice it is to read comments that are so helpful! Usually people leave inappropriate/ignorant comments that have little to do with the article at hand. I have a 14 year old and some of these tips will be very helpful, thank you!
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 9:44AM
s10stealth said...My 30 years of experience has "proven" that the main problem is that parents are WAY too quick to say "No! Don't do that." instead of listening and talking THRU a problem.
The initial response from the parent is crucial and can mean the difference between a fight and a resolution.
i.e. "Mom/dad, I got drunk last night."
> Parents' "normal" response... "That's it! You're grounded forever"
> Teens' "preferred" response... "Ok, Why? We prefer that you don't do that. Was it your first time? Were you just curious? Here's what to do to be safe if you feel the need to do it again.
This approach has ALWAYS worked for me with positive results.
Remember, they don't "know" things. It's their first time thru life and they WILL need to experience things to get that knowledge.
Good luck all...
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 1:43PM
patti said...My daughter and I were very close especially thru her teen yrs, she even made comment in one of her college classes that she felt everyone who didn't have the kind of relationship we had - had been cheated. She has worked since age 14- has a very strong work ethic and has paid her own way thru college, while working and always paid her own bills. She started dating someone who is now 30 yrs old has been in the service (did not see any combat) and when he came home moved back in with his parents and while the GI bill paid his college bills, he only had a small car payment and a few nominal bills, but refused to pay any rent when his parents asked for it. During the time that I've known him he has shown no real ambition and he has two brothers who are the same. Neither my daughter nor this "Man" tried to be a couple included in our family. They seemed to hide out together away from the family or off to the side of the family, if you will. She is always comparing herself to him - progress wise and I keep trying to tell her that he is 7 yrs older and should be progressed further than he is and especially ahead of her. She essentially snuck out of our home and moved in with him, during a time that I was going thru cancer treatments, now it is very hard to talk with her, she acts like a different person - I have never felt so distant from her in my life. Everyone tells me to forgive and forget and try to rebuild our relationship, but I feel that I was there for her all her life - and when I needed some support she ran for the hills as hard as she could and I actually asked nothing of her at the time. I don't feel I can trust her enough to allow her back in to my life, I don't want her to be able to rip my guts out like that again, ever. I also do not like or trust this man and I don't want to be around him, she knew this at the time that they started dating and she told me not to worry about it, she was still trying to figure out if she even liked him enough to continue to date him. She now tells me that he is her best friend, but that she doesn't love him -but she wants to marry her best friend. Moral of the story- just because you make it through the teen yrs. doesn't mean your out of the woods.
3-17-2010 @ 9:57AM
Chynah said...Thanks so much for this information. I really needed this at this time in my life. I have a teenage daughter and we are having communication difficulties right now. I had read information about how to communicate with teens before, but this is a great refresher.
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3-29-2010 @ 12:37PM
tduke1 said...Men have a saying: "If you've got a problem, talk to your wife about it. Then you'll have two problems."
That bit of wisdom might apply here too.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:04AM
tess said...Kay, I could not agree more. My 13 year old daughter loves to hear stories when I was her age. Especially when I tried smoking and it made me sick or the time we had a field trip to the Metropolitian Museum of Art and some of us took off to Central Park and hang out (it was the 1970's). I am happy to say she is not one of those miserable teens.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:08AM
laurie1057 said...This is a very helpful article for teenagers in general, but what if your child is shy or reserved?
My name is Laurie Adelman and I am a shyness coach for shy children and have been the featured guest on The Today Show. There is a very definite way that you can speak to a shy child to bring out their social best.
Parents play an extremely important role in the social development of children who are shy. It is so important to be aware of how you speak to your child - both verbally and non-verbally. Never label your child "shy" because this label leads to the child coming to believe that shy is all they are capable of.
If you are interested in more information you can visit my website at www.dontcallmeshy.com (click on "coaching" at the top of the home page for helpful tips as well)
I send you parents a virtual hug as I know how challenging it is to raise a child who is shy...but I urge you to to never give up on your child. There is so much you can do to help them!
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3-16-2010 @ 10:12AM
Lauren said...I find the best way of communicating with my teens.....and daughter who is 22 is by IM'ing online as she texts.....that is when WE have had our best talks......or in the car......but mostly as she texts.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:14AM
Iva said...I'm 20, and the problem with communicating with my parents is because I can't respect my mother. Ever since I was about 10 I was raising my four siblings. She would never do anything but sit at the computer, and when the internet came around, she was always on it. We would make her coffee for her, make dinner, do laundry, and although those are imporant to learn how to do, she never took part in anything. She also literally has the mentality of a 12 year old, throwing temper tantrums, crying when someone is mean to her, and she always changes religions based on what her friends think is 'cool' . I can't respect someone who is that stupid, and immature. It's hard to go to my dad about anything b ecause he always supports her just to avoid arguements and tantrums. So instead of blaming it on teenage angst, remember that sometimes the parent CAN be the problem.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:16AM
W.D.C said...To get your teen ager to talk to you, cut off their allowance, or buy them high dollar wearing things like, shoes, jeans.,ect. works everytime
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3-16-2010 @ 11:52AM
Here said...My daughter had a domineering boyfriend in HS, something I never experienced. I just kinda knew that words were not the right thing at all; nothing I said would have made a difference. When I wanted to yell, I hugged her. And she'd be out so late at night. Scary! We had a dark walkway from driveway to house, with a step at an awkward place that was in a shadow from the porch light. I put a candle in a mason jar and put it on the side of the step. It was both for safety and for "welcome home." I was very proud when, a few years later, she told me how I did not say the things her boyfriend had told her I would say. He had it all planned that we'd blow up at each other and they would run away together! She finally realized that he was "stealing her dreams for the future" and broke up with him. I also invented the word "motheritis" to explain my behavior; after all mothers are as hardwired to react to things as are the teenager. When things got rough between us I was say "Sorry, I've got motheritis and I can't help how I'm reacting to ..." It would defuse the situation for both of us. Now she's an adult and one of my best friends.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:27AM
mama Love said...momma bear is exactly right, when I read her list these were all the things I did raising my kids.. we didnt do the journal together, one child did journal. if one of my kids was having a difficult time, being mouthy, argumentative they would storm into their room. I would write them a letter being non judgemental, basically telling them that I loved them and how I hurt when they hurt. I would always get a letter back saying they were sorry how they spoke to me, that they loved me too and would give me a hint of what was going on and we would plan a date where we would go out to eat and talk about what the problem was. another time with a daughter, she was upset but couldnt or wouldnt talk, I just pulled her on my lap and held her, at first she kind of resisted but I just put my arms around her and held her like you would a child. I didnt say anything just held her. pretty soon I felt her relax against me, then within 10 min she started crying and it was like the flood gates had opened. she confided in me that she just wasnt feeling loved, ( she was in her early 20's) she continued talking. I held her for over an hour. It was a real turning point for her. I am close to all my kids. I am the first they call with any news, why? cause I dont judge I listen. if they ask for my advice I do give it. they are now in their 20 and 30's with families and great careers. my husband says why do they always confide in you and not me? it has been a long process of listening and loving. sometimes a hug is all they want..
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3-16-2010 @ 10:26AM
Jess said...I have two teens...one that just turned 20 the other that is 17. Smart Girl but got involved with the wrong crowd and I never put her friends down till getting caught by police was the end result. I was the Mom that let her friends sleep over all the time when she was 11,12,13. Things started to change around 13,14. She wanted to avoid anything that was home and her parents. Yes she had reasons to feel this way there were some things that happened when her father got remarried but he has tried to reach out at times and my parents have tried to reach out and I feel like I have done everything to be a good role model and to try everything that has been suggested in these comments and the article, She avoids things and I feel she gets this somewhat heritory from her father but no less she is also my daughter and I have been there for her. Dealing with a teen that hangs out with the wrong people and gets in trouble (which some of that is them screaming for attention) but never the less she is making her choices and I have let her make these choices because I know if I tell her not to hang with these people she will do even more and pull back from me. With that said she is never home... again she is an avoider. Does not listen to me even if I tell her stories about myself when I was a teen and how making choices right now will effect her future. She should be thinking about college . Here is a girl who would say so-so is not going to college cause she is into drugs and smokes cigerettes ...ha well she turned into that so-so that she thought was so wrong at 13,14. I have tried to take her to councilers on her wishes also ...she quit them when the time came to really talk about anything that was really bothering her, She even told me I don't want to talk about that stuff. So I resent articles like this because they talk to general...every child is different just like every family dynamics are different.....it is too easy to give advice. I want so many good things for my daughter but she needs to have the desire come from within to want those things also. In the mean time I do not like the way she treats me or her family. Tip -toe- ing on egg shells is not a way to live. I just have to hope she wakes up and starts to make better choices. I want ot say for all you Mothers out there with teens being ignored is the worse feeling in the world when you want the best for them and they shut you out. Don't take it personally ...well yup I don't but then one day it all comes crashing down and I feel like I lost her ...and it hurts sooo much.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:32AM
deb said...my daughter is 23 and i say this and it has proven itself... begin talking to them in the womb,and loving unconditionly, let them talk about anything to you as toddlers, the whole road to the terrifying teens (even if you just tune them out as needed).my daughter would tell me about everything, Piggy,Kermie, BigBird, RugRats, what happened in school etc.and encourage conversation as babies. ask questions. talk talk talk. my daughter has always talked to me and so has all of her friends. AND they still do. be available to your children.you will not regret it.take every teachable moment available and use it. read together. hugs and kisses.when a situation happens, stay calm, sometimes it is not what you say, it`s how you say it.learn to " ride the wave. hang 10" lol learn to pick your battles and be a good example. children are a reflection of their parents and environment.above all, pray and trust God.
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3-16-2010 @ 10:38AM
Tess said...Having had three teenagers, I believe that good communication between parent and child is a learned behavior for both and works best when it begins early on. I always insisted that we sit down to dinner together and used that time to work on conversation between us. We all "learned" to listen and to speak our views. Also, when I felt overwhelmed with the anger of my first and oldest teen, I began learning PET (Parent Effectiveness Training). It was a lifesaver, and takes practice, but truly works. Just learning how to begin a conversation so as not to be perceived as a threat to the other person did not come naturally to me, but after trying it out, it became a skill that has been helpful in many relationships. Prior to learning some of their techniques, I might begin a conversation with something like, " Why are you so angry?" or "You are always so angry." After learning PET, I began to say something like, "You don't seem very happy," Believe it or not, just a small change like that has a huge effect on how your statement to your child is perceived by him and it gives him or her an opportunity to respond, rather than going into automatic defense or deflect mode. Anyone having problems communicating with their kids, might want to pick up a copy of PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) and give it a try. It was written decades ago, but remains one of the best, most useful and most helpful parenting books I've ever read.
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