My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!

Teens tend to talk after the fact. Their friends are telling signs. The ole adage "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are" comes into play. I relocated from NYC to live in the South. Life isn't perfect, but it's a lot easier for this single mother.

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Sorry but I can't buy into the contention that teens may not share their thoughts because of the way a parent approaches a teenager or the messages that parent has sent. It's time to concentrate on the teen him/herself instead of blaming the parent. Many of us know exactly how to approach our teens and yet they will often retreat and refuse to share their thoughts. That has nothing to do with how we have approached them in the past or "messages" sent to them, and everything to do with their mindset and frame of reference at that point in time - that is, their circle of friends and the norms and behaviors set outside of the home.

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As a twenty year-old who had a very rocky relationship with her mother all throughout her teenage years and beyond them, I can agree with a lot of this, except for one fact that my mother has constantly displayed towards me. My mother is unable to accept who I am. I'm almost twenty-one and living on my own with a job and still going to school, and she still believes that I am stuck in the stage of a teenager where I do things just to irritate or anger her. When I first started getting into Gothic things, she tried forcing me to not wear the clothes I wanted to wear, no matter the reason I gave her, and even now when I get a new tattoo that has significant meaning for me or a piercing, all she can do is criticize. I think another good piece of advice for parents of teenagers is do NOT try to change them. If they do not become who you wanted them to be, that is OK because they are still developing their own person. So long as they aren't turning into a criminal then there is nothing wrong with it.

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This is some good advice for everyone. I'm Mom to three daughters, now in their late teens and early twenties. The one thing I would add is never give up. If I had let my daughters know how devastated I was that they refused to talk to me or share how they were feeling, the game would have been over before it really began. You're the adult; you're the one who has to tough it out. They need to know that you're going to be there for them even when they blow it, even when they're let down by friends, and even when it looks like the whole world is against them. Be honest, be there, keep listening. Now that all of my daughters have gone on to college, I'm so happy I kept trying. We all IM and call each other, and I'm one of the only moms I know who has children who actually want to talk to her. It's worth the effort, believe me!

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This is a great, great topic. I am 45, divorced 3 years, a daughter who will be 16 in June and my son will be 9 next week. I have been having so many issues with my daughter for several years. Not because of the divorce, just typical adolescent behavior. She was having so many problems that I was unaware of and was upset with me for some things that I had done and not told her about. Although, I don't think your children should know all your business, we are adults, but I have always been very open with her since she was little. She is very head strong and opinionated. But I found out she was cutting herself and it literally brought me to my knees. I had no idea and I still really can't understand it. Beware, there are a lot of teens doing this these days. So we started talking WITH each other not AT each other. Listen to them. What they have to say IS important to them. Do not always give your opinion on the matter. Sympathize with them. You can always come back to the subject at a later time and just bring up an issue you are concerned about. She wants to know what's going on in my life. If I confide in her how I am feeling and some things I am going thru now, it helps her to want to come to me. I also share the same stories about what I did as a teen, no sugar coating, drinking, smoking, stuff like that and we talk it thru. My ex is just the opposite, " I don't give a "bleep" what you think, you do what I tell you to do" Screaming and yelling...this just makes them shut down and resent you. Don't get me wrong, I am still the boss and still make the rules, but there is some give and take. The main thing is...whatever it takes, break that barrier. Go to them in confidence with a problem you are having. They will be so involved in trying to help you and see that hey, my mom has problems too. It may not work the first time, or the second, but don't give up. You have to get thru, then be attentive, listen to what they have to say whether you agree or not. I have found out some things that I wish hadn't happened but I would rather know and know what to look for and try to prevent rather than be in the dark. I love my daughter more than anything...and since I have opened up to her, we have a totally different relationship. We text each other during the day...just to say I love you. This is what has worked for me and if it helps anyone out there, I am thankful to have done so. Raising kids is not an easy job, especially in the world we live in today, it is so much worse than when I was a teen, and that was bad enough! I only wish that I had a parent I could have talked to. I have always said that if I had a parent that I could have talked to or confided in, I probably wouldn't have done half the things that I did. So, keep an open mind, open heart and still be a parent. There's a fine line, you've just got to find it. Good Luck! and God Bless!

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When I was a teen, my mother would rant on me about what I should or shouldn't have done in the situation. She was not taking my side, always correcting me for whatever. She would overreact to a situation so I had decided to stop involving her with whatever it was that bothered me. She was always trying to push her way into whatever was going on with me, like she was interrogating me. I am a grown woman now, and I see there are better ways to communicate to your teen children. Trust is a key issue. My mother didn't trust me, and therefore with whatever arose, she would already be on the other side of it. Not on my side. Having a parent's confidence is important for development. For years I had no confidence in myself, because my mother and my grandmother treated me and my brother as little children, even though we were old enough to handle a responsability. They would not give us the responsabilities we should have had in order for us to develop sooner into adults. We were sheltered. Parents are afraid their kids will get into trouble and/or get hurt. Parents need to let their kids find out for themselves the truth about things sometimes, and experience those things so we know better for the future. Parents should show they believe in their kids, set standards and rules for them, and tell them that if they are in trouble, to ask for help or only to confide in a parent's wisdom about growing up. Kids are a product of their parent's lives as they were teens. Parents will usually raise their teens as their parent(s) did them.

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I would like to suggest two GREAT books to you that have made ALL the difference in my relationship with my two daughters:

- Premeditated Parenting
Author: Steve Nelson (He has 6 kids !!!)

- Family Driven Faith (An AMAZING BOOK !!!)
Autor: Voddie Baucham
(PS: He is a VERY traditional guy, but his principles are POWERFULL)

If you have the courage and determination to apply this principles in your daughter's life I guarantee you will see a transformation in her life. Please, let me know when that happen. It will be awesome to share that with your family.
Good luck.

John

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My daughter is 13 and while my friends have always said I am "wrong" in the way I raise my daughter they are now coming to me for advice. They say I am "lucky" to have the relationship I have with her. She is literraly my best friend. I know what some of you may be thinking but first and foremost I am her mom and she knows that. She does talk to me about everything and I listen to her and encourage her to be who she is. I don't lecture her. I give her advice and encouragement when she comes to me. Some people are shocked at our relationship. They try and tell their kids what they can and cannot do. I believe they are going to do what they are going to do regardless. I have piece of mind knowing that even if I don't necessarily agree with the things she tells me at least I know what is going on in her life. Because we are so close and she can come to me I know she has chosen not to do drugs or have sex like some of her friends. I don't personally think there is anything "wrong" with being friends with your child as long as they know that you are their parent first. Good Luck!

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Hmm this is an interesting topic. I think a large part of it is gender-oriented. Teen girls have huge issues with other people aside from their parents and can get very upset about happening in their social life, while troubles with guys will more likely arise with them causing trouble, if that is the kind of person they are. However, with guys who are good-hearted and do not cause trouble, often the problem is the parent. In my experience, this was because they failed to treat me as an intelligent, independent person on the verge of becoming a adult. Instead I was just a kid, still under rule, still being protected from the world, parents still unable to accept that I have the right to my own views and don't have to be just carbon copies of what they wanted me to be.

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As one who was raised with a Mother who tried to "fix" things all of the time and then being that "mother" for a while with my first; listening is really the key. Once your child realizes that you WILL just listen; communication does open up.

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I'm 18 years old and would love to help you. I ALWAYS talk to my mother but NEVER my father.See teens are in a learning process. They don't know how to deal with things at first. They try the same strategy of locking their rooms and drowning the world out in music. They try this same methods for years before they even get the slightest hint that it's not working to help them. After a while, if you stand by her side, she will see that confiding in you is a new strategy that she can try. If you just comfort her as the expert said above, she'll get to see that youre more help than silence is and she'll slowly start coming to you more.In my teens, I was very very troubled, always hiding everything and locking myself in my room with music to drown out every car ride or every time I had to leave my room. I did this for about three years until I started to see it wasn't helping. Then, I saw my mom was safe to talk to.She knew everything.She would give me the best advice and never gave up on me no matter how many bad things I did. She would sit by my side through every bad thing I did, no matter how horrendous. She praised me after every time I screamed how I hated her.She never once judged me or said what a freak I was in my black lipstick and nailpolish. She always thought highly of me, as hard as it was, even when there was nothing to like about me. She knew I never meant it when I told her I hated her. I was just so mad and upset and didn't know how to deal with it. My father, on the other had, knew NOTHING ever. He did everything wrong. He would tease me when I put on my dark makeup. He would call me names and fought with me thinking he could change me. He would call me a baby each time I shed a tear and always accused me of being on drugs. I've never even touched drugs. Just don't do things the way my father did and you'll be okay. Stand by her and show her how much you love her by never giving up on her. Also, I agree that you shouldn't lecture her. When I was mad, I liked that my mother would stand by me and stay silent until I cooled off, so speeches don't work like my father tried.

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In addition, I would suggest that the Parent and Teen attend the "Because I Love You" parent & youth support groups if they have one in thier community. This group also runs a one day and also a weekend Communication Camp that has helped thousands of families to improve thier communication. They are referred by School Counselors, The Legal System and the Medical Field and best of all, they are FREE of CHARGE. See thier web site at www.bily.org..

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When my kids were teens often if there was a subject I needed to talk to them about that I knew they would not be happy about I would do it in the car where I'd have their full attention. In a restaurant is a good place, too, because they have to control their behavior there. But, I'm a firm believer that when they are young children you need start pointing out behavior in others that you don't want to see in them when they get older. That way they will know where the lines are drawn. Also, I feel that there has to be that separation between the parent and child - you should not put yourself down on their level, just as a teacher should not. Not that you should try to remain aloof and bossy, but you have to have to be a level above them. If a child does not have a respect for their parents, they won't give a hoot how they behave. And, a lot depends upon how the parent behaves themselves. If they're out drinking, doing drugs, fighting with each other, etc., etc. what kind of role models are they?? And, that happens in a lot of homes.

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Sometimes parents don't know how to talk to their children because they flat out don't know how to talk to their children. My Mom was raised in a strict southern family of 12 where alot of one on one's didn't occur. Everyone was expected to deal with their own problems most of the time because work had to be done on the farm and around the house. Today, it's still like this for some family's even without the quantity of members. I know it's alot of psychology, but the cycle has to break sometimes, so thanks for the good advice.

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Thank you Elizabeth for your advise. I have 2 girls, one is 10 the other is almost 12. We at the moment are close, but my greatest frustration is to loose this when they become teenagers. I will listen more than just hearing their stories. I went through your same experience, my mother never listened to me, I felt alone, I am now 42 years old and I still can't talk to my mother or have her listen to my problems. I don't want my girls to go through the samething, they are not alone and neither are you.

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retroactive abortion should be a choice

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I've found that I have more succees with my teenagers if I ask questions like "what do you think will happen if you do that?" What has happened to pepole you know?' How would you want things to be" What can you do to make it happen?"ink they'll do it again? A friend of mine calls it "leading the witness" It's true....what your doing is leading them to come to a good decision without directly telling them what to do.

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