My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!

Wow, I am glad you added this. I am a mother of five daughters, and yes the mother is always to blame. Just pick up any psychology book and look at who's to blame, the mother. It's very hurtful, and I am glad you took time to write about this personal issue that turned out to be not so personal afterall. Whenever I goes through things with my daughters now I think of this and also the old Brooke Shields that stated, "I hate my mother."

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I'm a fifteen, almost sixteen, year old girl and I can say that there are a few things that it seems all parents do that are off-putting to teens.

1. When we tell you something, no matter WHAT, dont act freaked out. Even if we say we were sleeping with our boyfriend when we saw that he had cheated on his math homework-if you dont focus on what we think is the main problem, then we won't come to you. Don't judge, DONT PREACH, just let us speak through so that you can identify the real problem.

2. Don't get all TV-show mothery on us. We are a generation of "who cares". We aren't going to do drugs if we REALLY don't want to. But if you make a huge deal about it-DONT DO THEM EVERRRRRR!!!-we're going to want to try them at least once. Just tell us that we might die, we might never be able to stop... and that cute boy can't date you if you're dead or a druggie.

3. I used to be incredibly PAINFULLY shy. It never bothered me when people called me "shy", but I hated it when people would smile when they said it. It isnt cute, it isnt sweet. Its HORRIBLE to feel that kind of fear, fear of being wrong, of people noticing you. While it is good to make your teens/kids go places, don't try and MAKE them friends. Whats lamer then having your parents make you hang out with people?

4. My final tip-don't judge the friends. If you raised your teen right, they're going to be fine. There's nothing wrong with mentioning that you are a little unsure of the new guy, but don't try and block them, or criticize them. Teens WILL pick the cool new friends over their parents-so don't make them choose-let them know that you are there for them no matter who they hang with.

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I'm a dad...of two daughters, and I know life, living, being, and doing in the "growing up" stage is like being inside an egg and violently kicking to crack the shell open, and then getting out and seeing a brave new world. And, here we--adults--are witnessing our children in this difficult process. We've never been parents before, and we've forgotten what we needed as adolescents before. We, too, are in an egg...kicking violently to learn what to do in our brave new world. Yes, we should listen. And irrespective of what moods my daughters come home in, they can count on me--their dad--to hug them, to tell them I love them, and to always leave them with a sense of belonging, and send them off with wings of trust and faith.
Yes, they can be a pain in the butt, and me too--and problems can be overwhelming, yet there's something big when we learn to muster, practice, and always launch "a smile with a future in it."

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While it's true that their circle of friends have an amazing influence on your children, believe it or not, YOU are the most defining factor in their lives. I have grown sons and even if they made the wrong decision one of my sons had told me that I was there still in his head and why he didn't do worse things. This is not about blame and while teens are going through a really hard time, fleshing out their identities, learning social skills and let's not even get into the hormonal changes, it's up to the parent to know their child and reach out to them to let them know they are not alone in it. As I said I have 2 sons, and sometimes because their personalities are different had to go about things in different ways to reach them. Blame, pride, authority...all those words are pointless if you are trying to make sure your child know you are there - in their corner - for them. That's just part of a parents job to champion their child and give them the confidence they so desperately need to make it in the big bad world out there. Even if they do something that isn't altogher favorable, you can still find ways to let them know you love them and not necessarily the choice they made.

Not always easy, but always worth it - never give up :)

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I totally agree with most of what everyone is saying. NO its not always the parents fault, and no its not always the kids fault. MOST of the time its the fact that there miss communication... or no communication.


I do not have a good relationship with my mother, she is very childish. Sure I don't help the relationship but should i be the only one? Or the "mature" one? I am 21 years old, shes in her 50's. She's told me that she was a "bad child", "unruly". She slept around, smoke and drank. And yet because I don't go out and do what she did I am some how defective.


I think it would have been much more receptive if she would have come to me, asked what was wrong and if i didn't wanna talk left it alone. But she didn't, she poked and prodded till I screamed at her to leave me the F*CK alone. That only cause more issues but what was i supposed to do? Let her beat me over the head with questions i wasn't ready or didn't want to answer?


If your kid doesn't wanna talk, tell them when their ready your there for them, and actually be there, then walk away.. sometimes people just want to, or need to stew and sulk.

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As a parent of 5 children, 3 girls, 2 boys. 32,25,22,19, 16, I can tell you that is it NOT impossible to have a relationship with teenagers. It starts when they are children. You have to be honest and firm, with love from the beginning. It is called Shaping the Will Without Breaking the Spirit. It is tough, but not impossible. It is important for them to know that their thoughts matter. When they are wrong, you have to guide them and teach them to do what is right. You always lead by example. It is also important for them to have a relationship with BOTH parents if both are around. Girls need to see their daddy love their mom so they will know what to look for in a man when they get married. Boys need that special relationship with their mom so they can learn how precious and special a woman can be in their lives. It is a tough balance, but it is important for the making of healthy happy adults.
We have raised a generation of children who think it is all about themselves. What a pity. It will take a lifetime for that to change.

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My son lost his father on New years day 2006, right before he turned 17. There were times that I wished my ex would have been around to help deal with the 'moods' the poor kid was in. Everytime I talked with him, it would turn into a shouting match/crying, with everything being my fault. I'm not perfect and my son isn't either. Some of the times, the advice I gave wasn't what he wanted to hear-but one of the good things that came from our 'matches' was he really did follow some for the advice I gave him. Okay, it was two years down the road, but he took it. As we get older, our parents become a bit smarter every passing year. Be there to pick them up, tell them you're not perfect and LISTEN! We've all done stupid things and they will too. My son will be turning 21 and has his own apartment, going to school and just bought his first car. I'm very proud of him and always have been-even thru the crappy times.

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I am a teenage girl and i am the same way with my parents, i hate talking to them about anything because they are always judging or blaming someone else when its not anyone else, sometimes i wish i could talk to my parents but it always ends up with them yelling at me and me crying and then i run away from the conversation and not talk to my parents my parents make me so pissed off and depressed at times where i don't even want to talk to them so if you kid isn't talking to you just let it go maybe its you not them maybe you just need to listen and not talk try not to yell, because i have told my parents to stop yelling at me and calm down and they think there not yelling, so maybe you should listen and if you start to get mad stop the conversation so you don't raise your voice and make it a bigger deal then it already is and start a new conversation later.. but that's just me and i am 15 years old and i have delt with that all my life and i have never been close to my parents and don't really care maybe one day when i am out the house i will be able to talk to them but probably not..sincerely invisable teen

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As a non-parent, but fledgling teacher, I encourage the parents to listen and talk with their kids. The journal is a great idea. Kids are looking for the boundaries, the guidance that will bring them back to the "center"-without the lecture of course.It's way too hard in our modern, overly permissive, indulgent, not my fault society (fostered by crappy TV and irresponsible parents) to raise kids. I speak from a time when the most I had to face was bullying, smoking, drinking, and getting some girl in trouble. Compare that to now-the results we see are epidemic episodes of these behaviors such as mass shootings in schools, and here in SA, TX epidemic teenage pregnancies.

Parents, you have a tough job. Teachers have a tough job. More than ever we're in this together.I hope that you'll keep the faith, be tough, and don't give up, for there are far too many cretins of evil who can steal your child away from you as they steal your child''s soul.

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people just teach your kids moderation and let them do what they want...whatever it is if they're moderate then its ok!!!! kids just want to rebel against authority if you give them more they will chill out i promise and thats the best advice anyone has ever given..

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My mother and I dont get along at all. We've had a distant relationship for many years now. My mom blames everything on me and tells me she hates me. I dont like talking to my mom mainly cause all I get out of her is "I dont care". Im closer to my dad than anything, I usually tell him almost everything but there's just some things I wouldnt want him to know. I cant even stay 5 minutes in my house without my mom wanting to argue. Even if we "tried" to work on things it still fails. My mom has told me she has given up on me because she cant figure me out. I would like to have a good relationship with her but I just dont see that happening. I am almost 18 years old and the only people I can really rely on is my friends.

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I'm a baby boomer mom so my kids are adults. We hardly ever went through a time they didn't talk to me. Sometimes about things I didn't want to hear. My son as much as my daughter. About sex, about everything. But I wasn't really a lenient mom. I checked on them, they knew it. My daughter more than my son was experimental and once when I caught her sneaking out and said I would have to check before I let her go to that persons house overnight again, she reacted with a typical 14 year olds, you don't trust me, I hate you, etc. We will both remember this as a turning moment when I looked her in the eye and said. Sis, I do trust you, I trust you to be a kid, it's your job to try this sh--, and try to get by with what you can. But it's my job to try to keep you safe while you do it and you're my kid and I love you more than anything so I plan to do a good job of that. She looked at me like, huh! Not to say we never had problems or raised voices or tears, but I told them every day I loved them more than anyone else could so I would be the person they could trust. Glad those days are done!

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I am so encouraged momma bear! I'm gonna start with prayer, then buy a journal. I work with college students, and am astonished that I can be there for them so much better than my teenagers. It seems that when they share their struggles or ask me questions, I get stuck and feel paralyzed...I think it's too close to home or something. I totally use the car for opportunities to ask deeper questions and I get great results. I think the journal will help with my oldest who will turn 16 this next month. Thanks so much for the great advice.

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I would like to know if any one can tell me were i can get help for my wife and i .mabe family counselor? we lost our two sons 4 years ago, and our daughter and grandson a year ago,every one wants money ,and there has to be someone out there that will help us without the money requirement. THANKS

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It is so refreshing to see parents responding about the behavior of their teens,we could all use advices from each other,children are so precious from babies to young adults they still need their parents although they want to feel macho or being mr.or miss know it all but deep inside that's the time that they really need our attention treat them as adults and give them respects they know that they are not little ones anymore and they want to be treated with respects,and of course we want the same in return,bond with them and let them know that you are always there for them,as their parents and their friend treat them the way you want to be treated set good example,God bless them.

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What great advise, from so many. I agree, very refreshing! I have a 16 yr. old daughter and I will tell you it's a challenge. She is a really good student and 'at times' seems to have her head on straight then BAM! she does something crazy. I tend to fly off the handle so my hubby has taken charge of talking to her. It's worked out really well. He stays calm and listens to her but does let her know how we feel about the situation. About a month ago I suggested writing us a letter, that maybe she could tell us in her own words what's going on and how she feels. And honestly is has helped SOOOO much! Every Sunday she writes us a letter about her week, good, bad and ugly. And let's us know if she would like to talk about anything or if she would just like a letter back. (it's usually the letter):) which is fine. Things have been going so much better at home! Thanks for the article, so nice to see I'm not the only one!

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Good Morning...Wonderful comments, and good advice. If I may, I can remember those very hard years for me growing up in the sixties and seventies. So much emotion, confusion, a lack of trust for adults and authority and our body chemistry is growing up (HARD TIME). It seemed my only allies were my peers. I didn't have the awesome privilege of having parents to talk to, but now with my own twin girls, who are now turning 21, I made it my goal to establish a trusting relationship with them as babies, children, adolescence, and now young women. Studied child development, and counseling, equipped me for the task before me, and last and most important, a relationship with lord and savior Jesus Christ. My best teacher was Gods word and life;s experiences. Give your child love and respect, by listening to their feelings without jumping all over them, listen listen listen. Pray with them and pray for them, ask the lord for an answer, by going to his word. I must say their is an answer for every situation under heaven for you in the Bible. The wisdom God has given me through school, His Word, and common sense and reasoning gets us through just fine. I'm NOT perfect and my girls know that. No one is, But God. Study His Word together, pray together, listen to each other, and love one-another. Allow them to make mistakes and grow. Always boundaries, just allow them to grow. As long as they KNOW you are right their to help them up. God Bless :)

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I have 7 daughters. We’ve always had a wonderful relationship when they were young. They would tell me everything. That’s why I never could understand why, when they became teenagers I couldn’t communicate with them. It’s like this invisible brick wall came up and I couldn’t get through. Then, I found a wonderful book that I tell everyone about; “I don’t have to make everything all better” by Gary and Joy Lundberg. This book explained the universal law of Validation. Everybody needs to believe; I am of worth, my feelings matter and someone really cares about me.
The four rules of validation are: 1. Listen by paying attention 2. Listen to feeling expressed 3. Listen to the needs being expressed 4. Understand the best you can from the other person’s view.
I am a problem solver. So, when my daughters asked me what they should do in a situation, I would tell them. Of course if this didn’t go right, I was to blame. It also took away their self confidence to learn to solve their own problems.
I’ll never forget when I walked into my 16 year old daughter’s room, sat down on her bed and started applying the book principles by asking her questions about how things were going in her life. The look on her face was; yeah, like I’m going to tell you! She actually gave me some statements that would have set me off normally. She was testing the water. I bit my tongue and asked more leading questions. All of a sudden it was like she felt I wasn’t judging her, criticizing her or telling her what to do and the flood gates opened up. She started telling me everything about her life. I was biting my tongue so hard, I could taste blood. Then, came the question, Mom what should I do? (Oh, I had plenty I wanted to say. I could solve these problems that were so simple in my eyes… Get better friends, stop hanging out with April. She treats you badly; she’s not a real friend. Wait I have already told her that before!) So, I bit my tongue again and recited the phrase in the book, “I don’t know, what do you think you should do?” Then came the words I thought I’d never hear, “I think I need to stopped hanging out with April.” “Thanks, for listening, Mom. Wow! It worked! I walked out of that room with a big smile on my face…and a sore tongue. But, I had my daughter back! We enjoy talking to each other all the time now. All I really had to do is shut up, listen and let her solve her own problems.
P.S. This book is great for all relationships; marriage, work, etc. Everyone craves validation.

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