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My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!
Filed under: Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
How do I get my teenage daughter to speak to me? She always seems to be in a bad mood, no matter what the problem may be. Even if it has nothing to do with me she takes her anger out on me. I've tried talking to her and explaining that she can't hate the world or me if things don't always go as she would like it. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, she still refuses to speak to me for a week if not a month, if she's upset about something. And she'll never tell me what she's upset about.
Signed,
Daughter Distant
Dear Daughter Distant,
Most parents believe that as their children move into adolescence, they no longer want the companionship or advice of mom and dad.
Society fuels this myth, resulting in the fact that many parents give up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with their kids once they hit their teen years. They accept the lack of eye contact, preference for friends over family, and their teen's resistance to opening up to them about the challenges they're facing.
Speaking as someone who has spent thousands of hours with hundreds of teens, I can tell you this: Adolescents want and need to feel deeply connected to their parents. They have a profound longing to be seen, guided and understood by the important adults in their life.
The problem is that the way we approach our teenagers triggers their instincts to retreat rather than come toward us. We unknowingly send messages to our kids about whether we can or cannot hear what they need to tell us.
Usually, a teen refuses to confide in a parent because, when they've done so in the past, that parent has reacted with unwanted lectures, advice or criticism. In a sense, we "teach" our kids that it's not OK to tell us their truth, so they give up trying and shut down. It's common that kids who feel stressed will take their frustration out on those they feel closest to -- in this case, you.
Your daughter's anger and withdrawal are probably as much a function of her feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of her adolescent life as they are about you. In other words, don't take her bad mood personally. While there may be things you're doing to aggravate things, it's just as likely that her angry mood is a function of other problems she's facing. Do, however, take it as a sign that she needs to offload her difficulties, and that she needs you to become a safe haven for her to do so.
Tell your daughter that you know she's upset, and that you're willing to listen to her without interrupting, advising or criticizing. Be caring and kind as she talks, and don't give advice without asking if she wants it. She'll gradually find out how good it feels to have you to confide in, and will open up about what's really bothering her ... if you're patient enough to let her do so without rushing things, or making her wrong about what she's thinking and feeling.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
How do I get my teenage daughter to speak to me? She always seems to be in a bad mood, no matter what the problem may be. Even if it has nothing to do with me she takes her anger out on me. I've tried talking to her and explaining that she can't hate the world or me if things don't always go as she would like it. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, she still refuses to speak to me for a week if not a month, if she's upset about something. And she'll never tell me what she's upset about.
Signed,
Daughter Distant
Dear Daughter Distant,
Most parents believe that as their children move into adolescence, they no longer want the companionship or advice of mom and dad.
Society fuels this myth, resulting in the fact that many parents give up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with their kids once they hit their teen years. They accept the lack of eye contact, preference for friends over family, and their teen's resistance to opening up to them about the challenges they're facing.
Speaking as someone who has spent thousands of hours with hundreds of teens, I can tell you this: Adolescents want and need to feel deeply connected to their parents. They have a profound longing to be seen, guided and understood by the important adults in their life.
The problem is that the way we approach our teenagers triggers their instincts to retreat rather than come toward us. We unknowingly send messages to our kids about whether we can or cannot hear what they need to tell us.
Usually, a teen refuses to confide in a parent because, when they've done so in the past, that parent has reacted with unwanted lectures, advice or criticism. In a sense, we "teach" our kids that it's not OK to tell us their truth, so they give up trying and shut down. It's common that kids who feel stressed will take their frustration out on those they feel closest to -- in this case, you.
Your daughter's anger and withdrawal are probably as much a function of her feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of her adolescent life as they are about you. In other words, don't take her bad mood personally. While there may be things you're doing to aggravate things, it's just as likely that her angry mood is a function of other problems she's facing. Do, however, take it as a sign that she needs to offload her difficulties, and that she needs you to become a safe haven for her to do so.
Tell your daughter that you know she's upset, and that you're willing to listen to her without interrupting, advising or criticizing. Be caring and kind as she talks, and don't give advice without asking if she wants it. She'll gradually find out how good it feels to have you to confide in, and will open up about what's really bothering her ... if you're patient enough to let her do so without rushing things, or making her wrong about what she's thinking and feeling.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 7)
3-16-2010 @ 1:01PM
Luvmieor said...Amazingly my 13yr old and I have a good relationship..At least I believe so. I've always been open and honest with her and given her respect and listened to her opinions on things. I've also understood that there are times when she just needs to vent.. and don't take it personally when she comes home from school and seems like she's mad at the whole world..I ask what is wrong and don't harp if she doesn't want to talk about it right then and there.. I also know her well enough to know that once she has taken a few moments to.. as she puts it.. just be herself... she will come and talk to me.. there are times when that takes all night.. and that's ok too..I'm available to listen to her and talk to her when she is ready.. but she is respectful of the fact too that I have responsibilities to more then just her. She knows that it's ok to have feelings and emotions and there are times when they seem to overwhelm you.. and there are times when she is going to want to talk about it and times when she won't..I make sure to let her know that I feel the same at times... I also know that I'm not her best friend.. she has one of those.. I'm her mother. She's not going to come running right to me for things that she's going to tell her best friend first..That's ok. In this day and age We have 'anti-social times' when she will be sitting on the other couch on her laptop and I will be on mine and we will chat back and forth...We also text back and forth..It works for us.. it might not work for everyone.. but We figure since neither one of us got a manual that tells us how these things are suppose to go.. we will just work through it our way.. be respectful, listen and love each other. That's our plan. :o)
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 3:46PM
embeuch said...LIsten more than you talk...
TEENS, tell your parents when they aren't being helpful and/or find adults who WILL hear you...tHERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL HEAR YOU.
Keep working at it, it has enormous pay-backs.
PARENTS/ADULTS. As a teacher and parent of four adult children I can only beg you to listen to hear, not to jump start a response before you have REALLY heard what is being said. 80/20 percent listening to talking would be great. It is almost impossible to listen when you are talking or thinking what your response to your teen (or anyone, anytime) will be.
Chances are your teen could mouth back to you what your response to her/him would be, so why should/would they bother coming to you if your response is predictable?
There is some really excellent, excellent advice from >MommaBear< and others in the previous responses...Try the ones you think are most helpful to you and your child; if they don't work try something else.
The most useful by far, in addition to listening is DON'T BE JUDGMENTAL.
Get rid of 'yes' 'no'. questions; INSTEAD, try, what do YOU think?, tell me hoiw that makes you feel!, DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU IDEAS?, are you just asking me to listen? what do your friends say?, how can I help, are you ???
Again, listen, respond without judgment, and keep trying. Keep working at it, it has enormous pay-backs.
TREAT YOUR CHILD WITH RESPECT, AS YOU WOULD YOUR DEAREST FRIEND. HE/SHE is truly that!!!
A professional expert in behavioral science made this comment:
"Did you not know that parent is WORK? Work at becoming an expert at the art of parenting. Keep working at it, it has enormous pay-backs.
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 1:07PM
Jerry said...Whether your teenager is a girl or boy, chances are that they are self-absorbed little turds. Talking to them is a complete waste of time.
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 4:24PM
6421 said...are not trying to parent a teen !!!!
3-16-2010 @ 1:15PM
happycheeks said...I was a teenage mom (had my daughter at 15) and I have overcome ALOT of obstacles, as you can imagine! My daughter, now 15, and I are very close. I have tried to implement all the things that went "wrong" with me and the frustrations and issues I had with my parents into the manner that I raise my children. So that I won't make the same mistakes. Until now, it seems to be working. My daughter has come to me with most of her issues. I have answered all her questions bluntly (of course age appropriate) I always felt that awkwardness with my mother as well. Instead of giving advice and knowledge, her answers were always judgmental. My husband and I have had difficult pasts and share our experiences with our children so that they can understands that the issues we faced then are the same now. I've had to answer some tough ones...drugs?, sex?, boys?, and even a friend being pregneant (wowzers...that one was hard!) But I think the important part is to keep your cool (I know it's hard!), listen, give the facts (real facts!), and offer your advise. Always be in tune with who they talk to, who their friends are. You can always tell a lot from that. I always keep my ears open to EVERYTHING! And, no matter how insignificant to us an issue may be, always follow-up...So what happened with so&so? I feel it shows that I was listening and I do care! We usually get our best talks in the car.
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3-16-2010 @ 1:16PM
Christine said...Not to be difficult, I do not agree with this sympathy route. I believe that it is nothing short of disrespectful to treat your parents like they are disposable. I bet they wouldn't treat their friends that way. I insisted upon respect from my children. They may be mad at me, they have that right, but they DO NOT have the right to be abusive to me and I do not tolerate it for second. If there is a valid reason, then certainly that is different, but to just walk around and not speak to me for a week?? Not in my home.
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 6:29PM
Nellie said...Christine,
No, they do not have the right to be abusive towards you, but they do have the right to be angry or upset with you. Acting like you are the ultimate authority over their feelings, and not allowing them time to cool off in the guise of commanding their respect only guarantees that they will resent you later on in life. I'm 24, and as a teen, I was frequently in an angry mood about things completely unrelated to my parents. Sometimes I unjustly took my anger out on my family, but more often then not, I chose to withdraw into my room to read, listen to music, draw...whatever would make me feel better. I was not a bad kid, by any definition. Even so, they would push and push me when I wasn't ready to address my issues, accuse me of being manipulative, deceitful, of taking drugs (I didn't even try alcohol until I was 18), and the whole thing would essentially end in a power struggle, in the form of "you're MY child [claiming ownership over another person is one of the most demeaning things you can do], you do what I say, you respect ME, etc. etc." This lead to a lot of resentment, which I still carry to this day. Even as an adult living on my own, I still feel like I can't confide in my parents without them judging me, getting angry at me for being a normal human being with emotions, and disrespecting me.
Your children are people, and as people, they deserve your respect. You may be their mother, but you can't dictate how they feel or how they react to certain things. To punish your teenagers for having negative feelings is completely wrong. I'm not saying they should be allowed to walk all over you, rage at everyone around them, or treat you like dirt. But I am saying you need get over your self-importance and realize that you children are their own people, not everything has to be an authoritarian power struggle, and give them the respect they deserve. They aren't being angry to spite you...they're dealing with life, and unfortunately life is increasingly more difficult to cope with, especially if you're a young person. Remain firm in your boundaries, treat your children with kindness, LISTEN TO THEM WITHOUT JUDGING, give them the respect they deserve AS HUMAN BEINGS, and you'll have a happier relationship with them.
3-16-2010 @ 1:20PM
Dee said...Teens just want to be understood and yes parents I have been there and done that. They say they feel like know one understands them they feel they can't talk to the parents because they will be judged or grounded. And I say the best way to go about it is to just be there and listen only talk when they pause and look at you eye to eye. Let them know that you they can talk to you about anything and I mean anything. Even if it makes your stomach turn and you may even feel like you may faint from some of the stuff they are going to talk to you about, Just nod and act like your on there side but then give your option by using a example of when you were young or better yet a friend at works child that had a similar story, just make up one that is around the same age. Keep open communication no matter what in long run they will come to you about everything and anything. I should know my daughter are now 22 and 25 and they still come to me about everything going on in there lives. In the mean time Ladies look 5-10 yrs younger try Anew by Avon get up to 65% off when you register
http://www.avonwebstore.com all the best!
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3-17-2010 @ 8:56AM
suzanne said...Gary,I feel for your loss,I bet it is hard to loose so many family members,if you have a church talk to your pastor,or go to any church and talk to a priest,they mostly know someone in your community who can help you,I don't know which state you're in,but in Florida there is a 211 number anyone can call when they get to the end of their rope they need someone to talk too,God is the answer pray,ask for help he will listen to you,Good luck to you both God bless you.
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3-16-2010 @ 1:20PM
oootb2009 said...It all starts when your kids are young. I have an amazing teen daughter who I can talk to on just about any subject. The biggest key is to remember that you were a teen once, also, so teen years really aren't new to you. I made it a point to always make time to talk to and with her on as many subjects as possible. This made it a no- brainer when she reached those critical years.
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3-16-2010 @ 1:20PM
Marie said...I am 18 years old and have never really been able to talk to my mom about anything. Whenever I would tell her anything, she would go tell my step dad and the people she works with. Nothing was ever kept between the two of us. She also would always tell me what I did wrong and never listen to me when I wanted advice on how to fix it. Obviously I knew what was done wrong. I knew by the time I was ten years old that I could not talk to my mom. I really wish that we could have a better relationship. There are things going on in my life that I really need to talk to her about right now, but I just can't find a way to do it. I recently became engaged to my boyfriend of four and a half years and we found an apartment that hopefully we will be moving in to soon. How do I tell my mother these things without her criticism? I really need her to know these things and I want her to be calm and happy for me. I still live at home with her and I am treated like a 15 year old. I have an eleven o'clock curfew and if I am home one minute late, I "WILL DIE". I mean this would be fine if I was in high school, but I graduated. I pay rent to live in my house and I have no freedom. I would love to talk to my mom about this too. I really wish we had a decent relationship..
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3-16-2010 @ 2:28PM
Tess said...When my daughter was 18, I would have had a fit if she wanted to move into an apartment with her boyfriend. Not because of moral objections, but because she would have missed out on so much. Luckily, she went away to college which was a time of transition for both of us. She was semi independent, and I got used to seeing her as an adult. She is only 23 now, but will always be my "baby". No one is perfect, mothers included, but almost all of us love our kids more than we have, or ever will love, anyone else in the world.
Maybe your Mom talks to other people because she is insecure about how she parents, or because she needs some feedback.....
Living at home after graduation can be especially difficult for both parents and kids, because it's so hard to change the rules. It takes some time. It sounds like you are a responsible young woman and it's impressive that you pay rent. I can easily see how hard it would be to be subjected to a curfew. Although I no longer give my daugher a curfew when she comes home, I do ask that she treat me at least as well as she would if she were to visit a friend's home. Things like letting me know if she'll be late or if plans change, etc. If nothing else, it's a safety issue.
Do you think that you want to move in with your boyfriend so that you can have some freedom? I hope you will keep trying to talk with your mother. Maybe if she thought that you were condsidering a move, she may be open to making some changes. Don't give up, and keep trying. Also, please don't move in with your boyfriend to get away from home. Trust me, it really won't mean "more freedom."
3-16-2010 @ 1:40PM
Lauren said...I have a 7 month old and clicked on this from aol.com because i am all for learnign how to deal with this stuff early before I get to that situation.
What I got most out of all of these, in my opinion, is not to raise your kids thinking that you are trying to 'make' them into a specific person, or fit them into some sort of mold you've imagined since they were born. Realize that these, while they are your children and you can still teach them morals and manners, are individuals with minds and opinions of their own. You will have a better relationship realizing that and respecting the fact that they are going to make bad or different decisions than you would have them make, and that that is okay, because thats how we learn.
Also, realizing that they are young and in a place that we were all at in one point in our lives, where an adults advice means nothing to us because we havent had the experiences that go along with the knowledge adults have.
Let loose and dont try to mold your child too much. Yes, there is a certain degree of being a parent involved (depending on the situation), but just listen and be open, regardless of your need to point them in the obvious right direction. Unless they ask your opinion. :)
I like that.
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3-16-2010 @ 2:44PM
rosenburgdt said...Lauren- We did all of those things with our child but STILL ran into problems when she turned 12-13.
For you or ANYBODY who hasn't experienced the teenage years of a child, just know that you can do all the right things & STILL experience a rocky road.
It was a shock to us as parents because we thought just because we did all the right things according to what experts say, using our own experiences with our parents as a guide of what to do or not to do, plus having a happy & stable marriage that we would not experience any major problems with our teen. BUT oh we were wrong & quite surprised.
That is my message to any parents, even with the absolute best of situations you are not immune & your child can still have problems. Some have to do with your child as an individual.....their personality and how they learn, process, & solve issues may be totally different than what you expect. That isn't something you can guide this way or that. If they are born with a certain personality then you have to accept it & work with it. You can TRY to teach them different ways to solve issues but if they are stubborn, can't relate or understand that way of problem solving then it isn't going to work.
Also, you may think if you have a gifted child that it's going to be easy. Wrong, our child is super intelligent & excels in academics as well as music & arts. We find it's even harder for her because she is so gifted that she always feels that she NEVER fits in with anybody because she is at a higher level of intelligence & ability. So there is the low self esteem & loneliness. Then you add on jealousy from other kids. You get a child who seems to have all the advantages & tools to be well adjusted but doesn't fit into the mainstream so you get a whole bag of problems.
And what if your child has been born with a mental health issue that is out of your control? Everything else can be right but the mental illness creates it's own set of problems you didn't expect. Again you'll have issues with other kids not understanding your kid because he/she doesn't act "normal" like they do. And of course comes ridicule & nobody being their friend. And you think atleast the teachers would be accepting & helpful! No, they view your child as "more work" for them to do. The teachers & Principals want you to medicate them to the point where they aren't more work or a problem for the school! I saw this very thing happen with a niece & nephew.
The teenage years are just crazy. I'm glad some of you seem to have it easy with your teen but I just don't see that with 99% of other parents I know who have teens. I don't think it's realistic to believe if you do all the right stuff your kid will be in that 1%! The likelihood of that happening is very slim. Just prepare yourself mentally for when that time comes so it doesn't blindside you like it did us.
3-16-2010 @ 2:58PM
Lauren said...I agree. I do not have any experience with teenagers, but had a rough teenage experience myself, which wasnt that long ago. I dont in any way ever think that teenage problems will never exist if you take certain steps. There is no definitive answer for parents, it is all an individual case.
What I meant by my post was, that by reading the other posts here, that I gathered common advice in almost every one, which is, as you said, accepting them as individuals and staying open minded to their views and opinions.
I'm not saying that doing so will be the 'end all' to problems and issues with your child. Thats all I meant.
In addition, I agree completely with your views of the school system and am strongly considering either private school (if we find a way to afford it) or home schooling somewhere around the middle school age. I think public school systems are, well, crap.
3-16-2010 @ 4:11PM
rosenburgdt said...Lauren, I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound like I was singling you out or anything. I just wanted to get out my own frustrations & experiences. I figure there are other ladies, who like me read this article & replies & got relief from reading all the messages. And also for any parent, when that time comes, to not always blame yourself for the "rocky road" your travelling because it does happen in the best circumstances too. I'm appealing to that parent who has tried everything & it is still hard, I know, I understand & it's ok. It's a process & things do change, sometimes slowly but it comes.
In my case I just had to reign back every instinct to say this or that & just let her be & deal with it her way but keep encouraging & listening. We even helped her by introducing her to a Psychologist a couple of years ago. I wanted to make sure if she couldn't or didn't feel comfortable talking to us that she was talking to someone who could help her deal with her feelings.
Michelles- I also tried to use each circumstance through these years to teach or encourage using positive healthy & productive attitudes. She was taught manners & the Golden Rule & went by all of that until she turned 12 & things changed. Since then she doesn't want to hear suggestions, ideas. advice, words of wisdom, or techniques or ways to deal with or work through problems. She doesn't want to hear solutions. My hubby & me always thought we were helping her by offering various ways to cope or solutions that could bring her to a good outcome if she chose to use them. NONE of that worked because in her personality she did not want to hear that. We finally "got it" & quit trying to help & just listen now. You'd think being a good parent would be helping your child work it out but in her case SHE wanted to work it out.
Every kid is different so in her case doing that stuff was ineffective. She also had the aide of a strong relationship with our faith in God. She saw us as a family living by example & she did too up until 12 yrs. old. She read her Bible as a toddler & up until her pre-teen years almost every night. We didn't ask her to do it, she had the interest, drive, & the desire in her heart. She would read it like other kids read Dr. Suess or whatever....sometimes she would read for an hour or more. Not every young child reads a Bible like their favorite daytime & bedtime stories. She lived her life respecting others & living by the Golden Rule.
What happened I don't know other than hormones change, her experiences changed & she had to go through whatever in her own way.
Oh & BTW Lauren- I agree with you about the Private school. She went to private until we moved & it was more expensive where we were living. I asked her Psychologist if it would be good or not to let her go to Public school...he said Middle Schools are fine but he saw the problems start in high school. He recommended changing her then. So she was in Public school during her middle school years & did fine until the last year. I did see a difference in she did better in a smaller class setting & more personal attention in the Private school. Plus the teachers & faculty all knew her & knew us & it was more like we were all family. They didn't judge any of their kids or want to medicate or pawn off the kids because they were too challenging or whatever. Her public middle school was chosen based on a smaller sized school with high ratings for everything & she did almost as well there as she did in Private. But high school was different, we still couldn't afford private here & she begged us to stay put.The middle school had worked with the high school to get the kids acquainted with their activities, teachers, & opportunities offered there. It worked & she wanted to give the Public high school a shot. It's been good & bad. More social & environmental problems with that school, more peer pressure, less attention to details by the teachers & faculty. They are overworked & classes are bigger, too big of a school so they lost that relationship of knowing the parents & the kids. The Principal & school board are only interested in getting their money locally & federally. They also don't challenge the kids enough with the curriculum. Fortunately as parents & she knows as well it was better to be in honors classes where she would be able to use her knowledge to the fullest & not be bored. Had she not done that I think it would have been a complete mess having her in public high school. The only other plus is that she has more opportunities & programs offered there then at some of the private schools. They also have enough kids to have an effective band or sports program....private schools sometimes are so small that the kid's don't experience true sportsmanship, skill, or challenged enough to grow their talent. She has excelled in their other activities in a way that she did not in private school. So there is good & bad. If you educate yourself on making the correct choices then a child could make it work in a public high school but it is harder. She is happy there & we made the choices that worked academically and otherwise. We were always willing to be flexible though...move if we had to, apply to a charter school if we had to, or make changes in our budget.
Good luck with your little one Lauren...hope I didn't scare the pants off ya! LOL But enjoy this time right now. I know you'll be a good Mom & make wise decisions because you are on here getting educated on parenting issues. Wish I had done that maybe a few years back. :)
3-16-2010 @ 1:43PM
Bil D said...I think teens should open up. Especially at 17 or 16.
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 1:46PM
Shannon said...Smiller
I think that is exactly why mamabears suggestions are sound. Teens are ALREADY living in the 'scary world out there' and yet they don't have the life experience to fully understand what is going on. They need a safe place to talk about things and to learn how to communicate with others so they can make it in this world. One of the biggest jobs as a parent that we face is teaching our children acceptable ways to communicate with others while getting their message across and recieving the message as well. Talking to a child side by side instead of face to face (or anyone else for that matter) can be much less intimidating, especially when the person needs to say something that they are afraid will cause disappointment for the other person. I think that is one of the reasons the car works so well. The world is already scary, teens know that and they are even more scared because they know that their life is going to change soon. That is enough, they still need a place and people to feel safe with.
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3-16-2010 @ 2:00PM
mlhammon said...You must have a close loving relationship, that she can trust. Do not always criticize her views. Learn why she feels the way she does and explain why you feel the way you do, and explain it is because you love her and want the best for her. Remember, you are her teacher , not her best friend. God and love will always win.
Reply
3-16-2010 @ 2:04PM
Mom of a 16 yr. old said...THANK YOU to every parent who has posted to this article & about what they have went through or are going through. I could identify with so much, the actions & feelings of the parent & also the behaviors of the teenager. It was SO helpful to know that other parents were experiencing the same EXACT issues I am with my teen.
I had been feeling a deep sadness over the relationship as it has been for awhile but have been implementing alot of what has already been said. Those changes have worked so far & I do see my teen opening up more, more happiness, less arguing. But it has taken ME to make it work & get better. I realized that either she is not capable of making changes yet or she is too mad at me & the world to do it. So I did have to set all my feelings of hurt & pain at how she has been to me....knowing that she has been wrong & very hurtful to me, aside & continue to accept everything she dishes out.
It really took me biting my tongue, not crying or reacting but always listening, always basically being her "cheerleader", being positive, not giving advice or opinions, & letting her vent however she needs to. It's not in my nature to just let someone, anyone, even family dish whatever they want out at me or to me. But I had to do something to make it work or make things improve. Nothing else would diffuse her or get her to open up because she is stubborn & is like talking to a brick wall. Plus it doesn't help that she "throws out" all of the positive things in our family or positive moments, memories, or healthy times we have had 1 on 1 or as a family. She ignores the good & focus's on the bad or whatever is not working out for her at that moment. That is hard for me, maybe other Mothers feel that too. I feel like I NEVER get credit or any respect for all the good I have done or when we have had it all right in the past.
But anyway, nothing worked except me taking a back seat to everything & basically I feel like I observe her or her daily life & listen. I don't necessarily like that because I feel it isn't a 50-50 relationship. In other words I mean, it isn't to the point where a healthy relationship has an honest give & take on both sides with compromise on both sides. It's all about her right now. But that is the ONLY way her behavior has changed & improved.
I'm hoping that once whatever she is going through heals & her maturity level is there that maybe we will be able to get to the point of that healthy relationship. I just hope that we will have that in the future. I don't know if this is the right way or not to do things but this is the only change that has worked. I'll look forward to the time when she can work on her side too because I deserve that as much as she deserves my hard work.
Hopefully this has helped anybody else going through a difficult time with their teenager. It just might take everything you've got to get through it!
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