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Filed under: Opinions
Another day, another article on how we parents can screw up our kids with our very best intentions.
I'm getting sick of these things.
Right now, a bunch of people are sending me this piece from the New Scientist because they think I'll love its message -- and headline: "Mom and dad, stop stifling me - it's damaging my brain."
Since I am on record as being anti-helicopter parenting, you'd think I'd be delighted to hear that a team of scientists in Japan scanned the brains of 50 people in their 20s, looking to see whether overbearing parents had literally stunted their kids' development.
After first asking the participants about their relationship with their parents growing up, the scientists found that the ones who said their folks "tried to control" them and/or made them "feel dependent" ended up with literally less grey matter in their prefrontal cortex than those who'd had "healthy relationships" with mom and dad. Then again, those who had been neglected by their dads -- but not their moms -- also had less prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain sometimes linked, when it's defective, to mental illness. All of which leads me to conclude...
NO MORE STUDIES!
First of all, what is the point of a study like this -- with just 50 subjects? What a tiny sample! And by the way: what college kid doesn't think their parents tried to control 'em?
More significantly: If kids who are neglected and kids who are smothered both end up at risk for mental illness, where does that leave us parents? Once again walking the tightrope of perfection: Pay attention to your kids, yes, but not too much attention, at least of the wrong kind. (And moms can neglect away?)
This is the kind of advice that can drive any parent crazy. Not only does it provide zero guidance, what it does provide is yet another way for us to beat ourselves up. Got a kid who's mopey or dopey or chews his shoes? That's because you ruined him. Maybe it was that day you told him to clean up his room.
Or the day you didn't.
The problem with these tiny, silly, never-ending studies is that they always set out to find some correlation between this and that, and somehow -- dear grant provider: your money was not wasted! -- they always do. It can be a tenuous connection that doesn't make much sense , but who cares? It's published and parents will read it and feel a little worse.
And that, it seems, makes it all worthwhile.
Related: Hot Diggity Death!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
3-16-2010 @ 11:43AM
SKL said...It's a sad day when intelligent people are getting closer and closer to boycotting "science." Seems those in charge of "science" need to do some serious housecleaning.
My reaction to that study was, um, maybe those people were stupider kids genetically, and needed more guidance so they would live to adulthood? Ya know? Or maybe they haven't yet matured enough to understand that their parents weren't placed on this earth to make their lives miserable? Or maybe . . . maybe this was yet another waste of time and money? At least these things don't happen "only in the USA." Though that's not really something to be glad about.
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3-16-2010 @ 4:03PM
janetlansbury said...Strange thing about the article is that it makes a case and then totally throws it out at the end, and admits that the study may well have been misinterpreted.
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3-18-2010 @ 1:19PM
Annie said...To janetlansbury ... the writer wrote the article well, and the ending sentence was meant as sarcasm
3-17-2010 @ 12:17AM
Amber W-B said...50 subjects is actually a huge sample for a brain-imaging study.
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3-17-2010 @ 8:34AM
bja009 said...Amber is right. Brain imaging studies are time-consuming and expensive, and as a result are usually rather small.
Of course, that means their statistical correlations are rarely of any significance because of their sample sizes.
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3-18-2010 @ 9:03AM
dmom1 said...Max joe, thanks! You made me laugh!
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3-18-2010 @ 9:13AM
Joe said...Thanks Lanore! Finally an article that's actually meaningful! I mean really, who's going to read some "study" and change they way they parent? Could it be that's a big reason why some kids are screwed up? Parents who keep changing the way they parent their kids becuase they happen to read some article. At least you got it right Lanore, just stop with all these damn studies already! None of us parents are perfect and by the way, YOUR parents were'nt either. We all turned out ok though right? So relax, parent your kids the only way you know how, just like YOU were done and things will be just fine.
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3-18-2010 @ 12:24PM
gina said...Joe, I totallly agree with you! Parent your children the best way you can with love, support and guidance. Everyone has their unique way of parenting... If they need advice just ask.. I know I have a couple of times. Studies are interesting too, but sad to say I rarely listen to them.
3-18-2010 @ 9:15AM
bob said...As tho ANY study, can shed light upon the proper raising of children? Really? A process that has been ongoing for literally thousands of years, and we STILL question the best methodology? Here's a start...who gives a cr*p!? Life is hard, deal with it...analyse that.
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3-18-2010 @ 9:39AM
judie said...I am a mother of a 26 year old man and a 13 year old boy. I give my 13 year old as much freedom as I think he needs but I always know where he's at and who he's with. This may be hovering but it's better then him showing up at school one day and blowing everyone away and I had no idea he had been planning this.
There are times he's tells me he needs some space and I give it to him but he has also come to me with some heavy things on his heart also.
I also believe in filtering your childrens friends. If i have a bad feeling about them, then he doesnt hang around with them. I believe if you want to see into your childs future, look at their friends now.
I know every child is different but if they know your'e always close by they aren't as apt to get into major trouble. This worked for my 26 year old son. He grew up healthy and happy.
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3-18-2010 @ 10:11AM
Eddygh said...I'm glad parenting is not an exact science. Otherwise it would be just one way to raise children with no room for individuality.
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3-18-2010 @ 11:49AM
Mary Beth said...Parenting, like any human relationship, is a process. There is no one best or right way to do it--and the only true measure of parenting success is if we feel good about our own parenting process—or are willing to move to doing what makes us feel good.
I don't think we can always look to how out kids "turn out" to decide if we did right by them and by ourselves.
I disagree with Janet who wrote :
"Strange thing about the article is that it makes a case and then totally throws it out at the end, and admits that the study may well have been misinterpreted."
I did not get that at all from what the author said. I thought she was being somewhat sarcastic in the end of the piece. But then, maybe I'm confused . :)
Subject matter aside, I thought the article was brilliantly written. I want to follow this author, Lenore Skenazy, for sure!
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3-18-2010 @ 10:57AM
zombywoof762 said...Look ,your the parent, raise them anyway you please, if all of you get to grow old, then you did your job, if you wake up one morning with a gun pointed in your face .... but the good news is neither one of you will reproduce to make the same mistake twice.
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3-18-2010 @ 11:33AM
kid'shaverightstoo said...You are raising stereotypes about kids, this is just as bad as racism. The less older people listen to kids the larger this gap between parents, teachers, and children become. Even if a child was raised in a poor manner that does not mean they will kill every one they meet. If a parent sets in stone who they want their kid to be, who they hang out with, and where they go, that kid will definitely end up more messed up, pressured, and depressed. Kid's have rights as human beings, in fact "kids" should be be referred to as people like every one else.
3-18-2010 @ 11:58AM
Nan48us said...Thank you for this article. This is necessary to show that over controling your child does harm. Parents need to understand that a child needs positive attentioin and their brains need to be exposed to activities that enchance their growth and stimulate their minds to make choices based on what is healthy for them. They are the ones that know whats best for them and one else can decide that for any other human. They need nurturing,guidance, and lots of love. We as parents have no right to manipulate a child into fulfilling our dreams thru them or coaxing them into our beliefs and values that we have just passed on not even knowing ourselves why we believe what we believe. The ten commandments are a great way to raise a child. Its this simple REALLY !!!
They know in their hearts what direction they want to go in life. LISTEN to them. Help them reach THEIR goals and dreams.
Do what you can to help them get there. Trust them, have faith in them. And love them for who they are not what YOU want them to be.
God Bless this earth with Love and Peace.
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3-18-2010 @ 1:26PM
Lynn said...This is junk science. All they did, like too many other so-called scientists do today, is tweak the results to fit the hypothesis. Did they test the child's IQs? Ages of their parents? Number of children in home?
The problem in today's society is children are not taught how to think critically at an early age so when they become adults they are conditioned to accept that which provides instant gratification based on limited information that is misleading. Just look at the cosmetic industry "wrinkles reduced in 4 weeks" yet women continue to pay for youth in a bottle that never lives up to their scientific claims. Einstein once said "a form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, yet expecting a different result.
To think critically one must look at ALL the facts and then for each fact ask questions, that lead to more questions, until you are satisfied you have ALL the answers, facts, and evidence to draw a conclusion. Parenthood is one of the most toughest jobs in the world, each child is unique, and there will never be a one-size-fits-all parenting method -- SO RELAX PARENTS --- remember the GOAL is for your children to enter society, get a job and support themselves and family!
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3-18-2010 @ 1:39PM
Micah said...Why did they ask that question first? The entire study was polluted by not being impartial to begin with.
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3-18-2010 @ 1:45PM
chris said...study schmudy .... no kid learns the same therefore every parent has to parent differently ... heck you cant even parent all of your own children the same... my oldest and middle child were polar opposites... the middle one all i had to do was look at her and she knew she was in trouble and practically punished herself ... the oldest one i could have put her on the rack and she never would have admitted she had done something wrong and would do it over again just to prove it ...
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3-20-2010 @ 4:58PM
Ben said...Correlation is easy to find. Causation, however..
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3-21-2010 @ 9:18AM
colormesunny said...I wonder if the people who do these studies are trying to figure out if they can "scientifically" blame their parents for everything wrong in their lives...
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