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Will a Namesake Bring Back Bad Memories?
Filed under: Baby Names
Should I use a family name that's tied to a tragic memory for everyone? My mom's sister Cora was killed by a drunk driver when they were little girls. The driver was my grandfather's best friend. I want to name my baby girl after the aunt I never met, but I'm afraid it'll bring up too many sad emotions for my mom and my six aunts and uncles, rather than honoring her. I LOVE the name though, and I've always been told how much I remind everyone of little Cora.
- Concerned Daughter
Whenever we name children after relatives who have passed on, we tap into a swirling well of emotions. Introducing a newborn James, named for late Grandpa Jim, is likely to bring tears to your family's eyes. They come from a mixture of joy, mourning and sweet remembrance of a lifetime of memories.
When the first lifetime was cut short by tragedy, though, the mixture of emotions can be even more volatile. You may tap anger, pain, even guilt. Yet the positive effects of a namesake can be heightened, too.
You are a considerate daughter and niece to worry about causing your family pain by naming your daughter Cora. Don't jump to assuming the worst, though. Your mother and her siblings haven't forgotten their sister or the circumstances of her death; using her name won't remind them of something they'd hoped to ignore. The fact that they've always drawn comparisons between you and your aunt shows me that the family very much wants to keep little Cora's life vivid in the present. A new baby Cora could bring your family peace rather than sadness, and comfort rather than grief.
I suggest speaking frankly with your relatives about your hopes and fears. Start with your mother. Tell her that you love this name and love the connection you feel to the aunt you never knew, but worry about bringing sadness to your family. Ask her to give you her honest opinion on this name choice and its potential effects. I'd wager she'll reassure you that her family would love another little Cora to spoil and adore. But if she confirms your worries and steers you away from the name, you'll be able to make that decision based on firm knowledge rather than a hunch.
Have you faced sensitive naming issues? Share your experiences here. And if you have your own question to Ask the Name Lady, drop her a line!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 4)
3-18-2010 @ 2:13PM
Lori said...Just be up front and ask all of them how they feel about it then decide. Bottom line: it's your child and you should name her whatever you want to name her, I would think that 90% of people would look at it as an honor to your aunt. Best of luck to you
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3-18-2010 @ 4:44PM
Susan said...I have two nephews that were named after my brother (also my Dad's name) who died in a car accident when I was twelve and he was twenty. One is called Charlie like my dad and the other is called Chuckie like my brother. I think it's great that they both have the name and it will continue for generations to come. It does not bring up any saddness when I look at them or say the name again. If anything it brings joy that should be associated with the name of someone that was loved and is missed everyday!
3-18-2010 @ 5:17PM
GB said...How about Cora II?
3-20-2010 @ 9:34AM
Leah said...I think it is an honor, too, but I learned that not everyone feels that way. My son's father and I had each lost a brother...my brother was murdered in his own apt. at the age of 27...his brother had committed suicide. When I was pregnant with our son, we decided to use his brother's name as our son's first name, and my brother's name as his middle name, because we both wanted to remember our brothers. My mother was fine with this..in fact, my aunt told me later that my mother wished my brother's name was his first name. But my ex's parents were less thrilled... the idea of another little one with the same name was too much for them to bear. They told my ex this, and he then told me. But we still both felt strongly that we wanted to remember our brothers. So our compromise was to pick a totally different first name, and then give him both of the other names as middle names. Two middle names is more of a pain then you would expect, so it's not a perfect compromise, but it's what we did to please ourselves AND our families, and it worked. And my son is very happy with his name, and now, at 13, informs me that he's glad it turned out that way. I was surprised my ex's parents would have a problem with it...but I guess sometimes it can be hard.
3-20-2010 @ 1:26PM
Tarra said...I too lost a son to drunk driver and my brother gave his son my son`s name as his middle name. It was emotional but I loved it. To know his name and memories continue!
3-18-2010 @ 2:26PM
Lisa B said...My husband is named after his uncle he died as a child of the flu. (he died in the 1930's) It's a very unique name and he's honored to be named after him!
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3-18-2010 @ 2:41PM
Nancy said...My granddaughter is named after her great-grandmother who died before she was born; I named my son (middle name) after great-grandfathers who died before he was born; another granddaughter's middle name is my middle name. What's the big deal? I frankly think it's an honor.
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3-18-2010 @ 3:49PM
Blonde Beauty said...I think this woman should just relax and name her daughter whatever she wants to name her... Think about it.. It's not the relatives that are going to be going by this name - they have their own name!! When I was a baby, my mom wanted to name me Susan so badly, but b/c her sister (my aunt) beat her to it by naming her first daughter Susan, 8 years prior to when I was born. At first my mom used Susan as my middle name, then changed her mind a few weeks later and changed my first name back to Susan b/c she figured, we were all going to grow up, go our own ways, and live totally different lives, and it wouldn't matter then, anyway... I'm SO glad my mom changed Susan to my first name, that's all I can say!!!!! lol
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3-18-2010 @ 2:42PM
KLSTranion said...I personally think it is fine to name your child after someone in the family. My son was killed in a car accident four years ago at the age of 20. My daughter got pregnant a few months after his accident and gave her son her brother's name (as a middle name). Some people may think it will bring back bad memories, but when I see my grandson and call him Elijah Eric, it brings back good memories of my son, Eric.
Reply
3-18-2010 @ 2:52PM
It's Nothing New To Us said...In my religion, it is not only acceptable but customary to name a child for a family member who is deceased; furthermore, it is not allowed to name one for a relative still living.
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3-18-2010 @ 2:58PM
DecaturDog said...Who cares?????
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3-18-2010 @ 5:51PM
ccwstauffer said...A lot more people than those who care for your opinions!
3-20-2010 @ 11:33AM
Nunya said...What a jackass you are. Obviously you have too much time on your hands. Get a life jerk-off.
3-18-2010 @ 3:06PM
David S. said...If she wants to name her baby that, she should -- but that flip side of that is no one is under any obligation to name their children after a grandparent, aunt, uncle, whatever; despite family pressures. Nothing worse than meddling relatives --- thank God I don't see mine that often. Just weddings and funerals -- two times too much.
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3-18-2010 @ 3:08PM
Heidjr said...Why didn't she ask Mom in the first place instead of the name lady on the internet. If they're not that close in the first place maybe not a good idea.
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3-18-2010 @ 3:18PM
John said...Be direct. My Sister, Denise died at 3 days old. About a year later, my Mother's sister said she loved the name and would she mind if she named her baby Denise. My Mother was proud to say "Yes, please give her that name".
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3-18-2010 @ 3:25PM
Strick said...My great-grandmother was the first child in the family born after her uncle Van died in the Civil War; that's why my ggm was named Vanna White.
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3-18-2010 @ 3:26PM
belveg said...Hopefully your family will consider it an honor. My uncle was electrocuted at the age of 22, my mom had a late life baby boy and she named him after her young brother, my grandparents were so happy and honored that my parents would do that.
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3-18-2010 @ 4:05PM
Emily said...My mom and her cousin were very close and both loved the name Emily. When I was born I was named Emily Nicole after my dad, Nicolas Emilio. When my mom's cousin had her second daughter she called my mom to see if she would mind her using Emily also. My mom thought it was a great idea. So now we have an Emily Rose too. We have always lived in different states and are totally different people but we still get funny looks that there's two Emily's in the family.
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3-18-2010 @ 4:21PM
TwistdLilMama said...I think it would be an honor. My father passed in 2004, 2 weeks after I told him I was pregnant with my second child. My daughter was born on his birthday in 2005. My family LOVES the fact that she was born on his birthday. I feel something like naming your child after a deceased loved one is remembering them forever! In my case, it was out of my control and I think it was my dads way of laughing at me and making sure I never forgot about him......
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