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Opinion: Proms Should Not Include Dates
Filed under: Opinions
As a court considers on Monday a lesbian teen's petition to have her prom reinstated, here's an idea that could keep everyone in the same boat without canceling the party: Ban all dating at prom.
And, no, I'm not kidding. Call it hyped-up teen anxiety, but back when I was in high school in Mississippi, there was almost nothing that scared me as much as the thought of a school dance. I wanted to attend, but there was considerable pressure to go with a date. And not being an experienced dating sort, this looming expectation led to all kinds of stress from the implied romantic nature of what should've simply been a fun school event.
Back then, here were our choices: If you didn't have a special someone in your life, you (1) Went without a date and envisioned those big L's over your forehead; (2) Attended with a sort of manufactured date and risked unwanted hand-holding and the dreaded possibility of a very awkward slow dance; or (3) Skipped the prom altogether. A lot of kids didn't go because of that reason, plain and simple.
This all came back to me recently as I read reports of the controversy surrounding high-school senior Constance McMillen's request to attend her Fulton, Miss., prom with a female date. In the midst of the flap that ensued, the local powers-that-be decided to cancel the prom. And now, said teenager has sued for reinstatement of the party.
My question is, now that I'm a mom of three with a little more perspective, why didn't the school board consider a no-date solution, which may have actually garnered a favorable reception because of its equity, its propriety and -- get this, parents -- its cost-saving potential?
While we know kids can and will do what they want before or after the prom, schools have the prerogative to set guidelines covering a range of things they want to discourage at their events -- things such as grinding, see-through evening gowns and the stray 25-year-old boyfriend who shows up in a tux.
I don't know whether school officials can legally dictate the gender of one's date, but I'd think the school could prohibit all dates -- or at least eliminate the trappings that make a date a date. And in the process, this just might fend off a whole host of both expected and unexpected issues that can come from sanctioned dating within the realm of an educational institution.
How would the no-date prom look? You could still have a dress-up dinner and a commemorative program, followed by a dance. But no limos, no corsages/boutonnieres and no formal photos of couples sort of hugging sideways. It also means keeping the DJ song list limited to up-tempo numbers, and, by all means, keeping the lights bright. It would certainly mean prohibiting public displays of affection.
This might not sit well with high-schoolers who are going steady and looking forward to a -- parental gulp here -- "very special night." And most likely, even with these boundaries in place, some prom-goers may, nevertheless, declare that they're still on a date.
But by that point, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we avoided having to legislate on teen dating.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 7)
3-19-2010 @ 10:21PM
Karen said...I totally agree with you! I "shared" my date to senior prom with my best friend who couldn't get anyone to go with her. We had a blast!
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 6:23PM
Greg said...Prom dates were a cinch in my hometown of Pearland, Texas. My dad let me pick out the best looking hooker from his extensive stable. I went to prom with the finest looking woman there. Other girls would see her and then be interested in me more that they were before. She would always be lady but hang onto me like I was KING. As a plus after prom I always got lucky. It was the same way when I was in college. I could work hard on my schooling and when the need arose a quick call to dad and I had a princess driving my way.
3-23-2010 @ 3:54PM
Me Too said...I did the same thing, in fact a lot of my friends did! If we had 'dates' it was fine, if not we went together! One year we had a group of girls! There were 5 of us in our prom photo! We danced together too! I'm far from a 'new age' young adult, I went to school in the mid 70's! I don't understand why not having a date would keep anyone from not going to a prom (or anywhere) for that matter! I still go out with my girlfriends to this day! And yep, we sometimes go out dancing too!
3-23-2010 @ 7:56PM
Rose said...I believe the school is segragating the students and taking away this girls right to love whoever she loves. It is not their place to say who she can bring to prom so the parents should get together book a place and have a prom for the kids.
3-19-2010 @ 11:06PM
Carole said...What a great idea! Being a shy teenage girl in the 80s, this sure would have made my high school days a lot simpler. Now as a parent of 2 boys this reasoning sounds good to me. School dances would be much more fun without the pressure of worrying about a date. You could just hang out with all of your friends and dance your booty off! Hopefully, some school administrators will read your article and take it to heart. I know I will be sharing this idea with some. Thanks!!!
Reply
3-20-2010 @ 1:25AM
Anna said...Excellent idea! It reminds me of the days when the sororities would have their "swaps" with fraternites and we DID NOT know the young men or really care to....so, our solution: the girls would "hang" together. No one discussed potential lesbian connotations. We were just friends taking care of one another AND having a good time. Sure, we danced with the guys and socialized with them, but the pressure of a DATE was not there. This, also, dispensed with the jealous boyfriend / girlfriend issues.
Kudos to Ms. Hallman for the idea! There certainly would've been a lot less press for Fulton, MS AND these kids' senior year wouldn't have been marked with such horrendous memories if school officials had THOUGHT before they acted.
Kids today do no behave as they did 30 or 50 years ago! Girls wear tuxedos. Boys, well, boys do all kinds of things! Let's try to keep the press from pointing out and celebrating every difference of adolescence. These kids will move on to adult lives, jobs, and families. They will not appreciate the "growing pains" of their youth following them like a bad dream.
Kudos, Ms. Hallman! Place that call to the high school involved. Perhaps they'll listen to an "outside" voice of reason.
Reply
3-20-2010 @ 12:42PM
Reason said...BTW, they don't "go steady" any more... they "date" or "hook up". Really stupid terminology that is used even in grade school.. Further evidence of the erosion
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3-20-2010 @ 5:24PM
MysterySurrounds said...No what people need to do is grow up and realize that your idea of "normal" isn't the same as someone else's. I hope to the goddess that I am raising my children to be above this type of petty garbage and see people for who they are not what they think they should be. If you want to be pruple with green spots and take a snake on a leash for a walk then by all means as long as it's tame and properly leashed then go for it! If you are a girl and want to date another girl, then be my guest. What people do on their time doesn't affect me and what I want to do on my time won't affect them. Let the girl take her date in a tuxedo and have at least one freaking happy memory of high school esp since I know being in high school is hard enough let alone being gay of otherwise different and in high school!! If you don't like it don't look!
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3-23-2010 @ 8:54AM
tlc said...My daughter would take her snake to the prom. I agree with what you are saying. Let people be themselves without the judgement.
3-24-2010 @ 1:35PM
S. Elizabeth said...I totally agree. I couldn't say it better myself. I have a sister that will graduate next year and a son that will graduate in a couple of years. I remember my high school prom and even though I shared my friends date, it didn't affect me. I was happy. I danced with some of my other friends dates as well. I want my son and my sister to experience prom night. The limo the gowns, etc. If she or he chooses to take a date then ok. If not then that is fine also. Getting rid of limos is stupid. Friends that have no dates can share limos. My husband said he shared one with a bunch of friends. He had no date. So the no date policy would be stupid because that is spoiling it for kids that have their first grown up date night. Everyone should get over themselves and grow up. Stop dictating life to everyone.
4-14-2010 @ 11:22PM
Jenny-Anne said...Mystery, I have to say that by this post alone I think I love you LOL.
3-20-2010 @ 11:36PM
nelly said...W'at U Talkin' about' 'Deborah....also u don't hav 2 hav but 1...You can go in 3's. It is a Public school and it should abide by public laws....
Reply
3-23-2010 @ 9:42AM
DAve said...HEY nelly I think you need to replace your keyboard your missing letters when you type
3-21-2010 @ 9:44AM
Tiffany said...I think the biggest thing about prom IS having a date. Although, for both my Junior and Senior prom, I went alone. I had a blast! I didn't have to dance with just one person and I could just have fun and be myself. Most all my friends had dates, but it didn't matter to me. I was happy that I actually had a choice if I wanted to go alone or take someone with me. To top it off, I didn't feel pressured to go to any parties afterwards, I went home and hung out with my family. Not having a date helped me decide not to drink or do anything stupid.
Reply
3-23-2010 @ 9:58PM
c said...Thats what I'm talking about Tiffany. It is a choice to go with or without a date. Just go and have fun.
3-23-2010 @ 3:38PM
Gerry said...I wasn't allowed to have dates, but I went to the prom with a group of friends. A parent drove us and picked us up. We were farm kids and we had the time of our lives, as I recall some 55 years later. There was no pressure and everyone just had fun.
3-21-2010 @ 2:52AM
Kevin said...Deborah's idea might sound good, but in reality she's offering more or less the same solution that the school board did: radically change the long-standing tradition of the high school prom rather than allowing openly gay and lesbian students the same right to attend the prom as their straight counterparts. Just like the school board's solution of canceling the prom outright, Deborah's idea inconveniences the entire student body over an issue that affects almost none of them and makes the gay kid solely responsible for spoiling their fun for daring to ask for the same rights every other kid has.
Here's an alternate idea. What say the school board, the community, the church and well-meaning but clueless busybodies like Deborah stay the hell out of it, and just hold an all-inclusive prom. Seniors who would be outraged/disgusted at their lesbian classmate can opt to stay home if they so choose.
Reply
3-23-2010 @ 9:32AM
Inkling said...In response to "glorious"...the girl that is lesbian should have the same rights as everybody else regardless of her preference of gender. If they make the hard and fast rule that there will be no making out or suggestive innuendoes allowed by ANY students I don't see where there would be an issue. I would not want to see a heterosexual couple making out any more than I would want to see a homosexual couple making out. There is a time and place for that and the school prom is not one of them. In many foreign countries females hold hands and they are not lesbians. They are not afraid to show affection for their friends. Why is the US so stigmatized against people of the same sex holding hands, getting a hug, or a peck on the cheek in public? Also, it seems that men and women in America can't be friends without somebody reading more into it than what is there. It is ridiculous and immature to assume people are more than friends just because they are of the opposite sex.
3-23-2010 @ 11:35AM
Noelle said...I agree with the right to be able to take whomever you want to the prom and to be able to dress in a tux even if you are a girl. Speaking as a parent of a daughter who even in middle school knows she prefers dating girls, that it is more common in our children's schools now then when were in school. I think it should be up to the children to decide if they have a problem with the two girls there as a couple and I bet the school would be surprised to see it isn't as big as they thing it is.
3-23-2010 @ 6:40PM
Yichelle said...Thank you! Somebody who finally get's it. If you don't like it, don't go. If your too scared to go by yourself, then maybe you shouldn't go. I am so sick of all the parents, schools, people in general trying to make it so that poor little Johny doesn't get his feelings hurt. Guess what people, life ain't fair, sometime you lose. That's what builds character. Not making sure our kids never have to feel uncomfortable is not reality. Sometimes you fail, it's what you do next that matters. Something we don't teach our kids anymore.