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Our 9-Year-Old Daughter Screams, 'You All Hate Me!'
Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
Our 9-year-old daughter is the picture of sweetness and light when she visits other homes, but at home constantly screams, "Everybody in this family hates me!"
We tell her every day how much she is loved, she has her own room, plenty of toys etc. What's the best way to help her?
Signed,
Upset Mom
Dear Upset,
As wonderful as it is to tell your daughter that she's loved and provide her with her own room and lots of toys, children feel loved when they know that they are cherished and appreciated for who they are.
Whatever words or material comforts you offer your daughter cannot convey the sense of connection with you that helps her know she is cherished. Feeling loved is intangible, fueled by a child's sense that who they are -- as is -- lights up our hearts.
When was the last time you invited your daughter to go for a walk or play a game of UNO, just the two of you? How often do you tell her how much you love the way she tells a joke, or how you adore the tinkly sound of her laugh? Parents can get so caught up in the endless tasks of parenting that they forget how badly their children long to be seen and enjoyed by those most important to them.
I'm not surprised to hear that your girl is sweet and happy at other people's homes. Kids are almost always on their best behavior when they're not on their familiar turf. When she's at home, her defenses are down, which is why she reveals her unhappy side to you.
After spending a bit of good time together, ask her to describe what goes on when words like, "Everybody hates me!" come out of her mouth. Don't try to convince her that she's wrong, or prove that her unpleasant behavior makes it hard to be nice to her; just listen with warmth and empathy.
If you can hang in there, she'll eventually reveal the heart of the issue, whether it's difficulties at school, frustration about sharing your attention with her siblings, or an insecurity that her personality isn't as easygoing as the other members of the family. By truly listening to her and fortifying your connection, you'll give your daughter the precious gift of knowing without question how much she is loved.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
Our 9-year-old daughter is the picture of sweetness and light when she visits other homes, but at home constantly screams, "Everybody in this family hates me!"
We tell her every day how much she is loved, she has her own room, plenty of toys etc. What's the best way to help her?
Signed,
Upset Mom
Dear Upset,
As wonderful as it is to tell your daughter that she's loved and provide her with her own room and lots of toys, children feel loved when they know that they are cherished and appreciated for who they are.
Whatever words or material comforts you offer your daughter cannot convey the sense of connection with you that helps her know she is cherished. Feeling loved is intangible, fueled by a child's sense that who they are -- as is -- lights up our hearts.
When was the last time you invited your daughter to go for a walk or play a game of UNO, just the two of you? How often do you tell her how much you love the way she tells a joke, or how you adore the tinkly sound of her laugh? Parents can get so caught up in the endless tasks of parenting that they forget how badly their children long to be seen and enjoyed by those most important to them.
I'm not surprised to hear that your girl is sweet and happy at other people's homes. Kids are almost always on their best behavior when they're not on their familiar turf. When she's at home, her defenses are down, which is why she reveals her unhappy side to you.
After spending a bit of good time together, ask her to describe what goes on when words like, "Everybody hates me!" come out of her mouth. Don't try to convince her that she's wrong, or prove that her unpleasant behavior makes it hard to be nice to her; just listen with warmth and empathy.
If you can hang in there, she'll eventually reveal the heart of the issue, whether it's difficulties at school, frustration about sharing your attention with her siblings, or an insecurity that her personality isn't as easygoing as the other members of the family. By truly listening to her and fortifying your connection, you'll give your daughter the precious gift of knowing without question how much she is loved.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 5)
3-22-2010 @ 11:16PM
Kirsten said...If you do not want your child to act like that then do not enable the behavior. Just because you are tired does not give you an excuse to be a bad parent. If you are exhausted find a baby sitter and go out with your husband and have a date night. Your first huge mistake was home schooling period. Your daughter needs to learn how to socialize so she can relate to other people once she moves out of your house and has to act appropriately with her peers in a job environment. If your daughter is not feeling loved then you clearly are not giving her the time that she needs to see that she is connected with you. Go get counseling clearly you need it and it will help your relationship with your daughter.
3-28-2010 @ 4:03PM
GJSly said...I agree with you! We are raising a generation of of children who feel entitled to everything they want NOW - love, attention, time, things. Too bad! Life doesn't work that way - just ask any depression era baby like me.
3-23-2010 @ 6:56AM
b1lly said...Are you serious? Are you that incredibly self-absorbed? First of all what 13 y.o. isn't a handful? Especially girls. As their desired body-image NEVER meets the real thing.
But more importantly, you say yourself that you SHOW your love with material objects. You assume that the "THINGS" that you wanted when you were a child should please her. You have raised an individual human being, not your clone.
The most hilarious part of your post is the "it's soooo tiring to tell her I love her." Seriously? It is exhausting to affirm to your child the love you supposedly feel? If voicing your emotions is so troublesome for you, then perhaps you should have raised dogs instead of kids.
3-22-2010 @ 5:03PM
SP said...Another approach might be to hold back giving things and give her some time. Do some one-on-one things with her. They don't have to be extravagent or all-day affairs, either. It can be supermarket shopping, a walk around the block or just some board games in the house. The key is to give her some undivided attention when you can talk and listen to each other.
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3-22-2010 @ 5:16PM
Izzy said...Maybe I can help. I am a kid too but not as young as 9. What always makes me feel loved in when I have a super-serious, one on one, mommy and me conversation. She tells me how much she loves me and she always gives me a HUGE lecture on how everybody loves her in our family and she hopes that I feel the same. I usually feel realllllly guilty so I hug her back. It is really important to have some occasional Mommy-and-me moments. Take her camping, to a movie, or anywhere she loves to go. It really makes a difference in a girls life to spend some time with her mom. Believe me, I would know. :) Good luck and I hope this comment helps!
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 7:57PM
redconvoy said...I find something wrong with that. I helped my mother raise my niece and I would never tell her that everyone loves me and I hope you do too. My mother never did that either. If you truly want mommy and me time, you better find something to talk about rather than a guilt lecture. That is not a bonding session. I know my niece loves me because she tells me and she knows what me and mother have done for her. Just love and appreciate your parents because no one else is going to look out for you like they will.
3-22-2010 @ 5:31PM
Teri said...Here is an idea maybe the problem isn't with her but with her parents. I have 3 boys, 13, 11 and 9 they are sweet kids, their teachers love them, they get invited to weddings where other kids are not allowed and they behave. Ever think of spending time with your kid, asking her how her day went or if their was anything she did or didn't like at school. How about taking a valid intrest in your kids life instead of buying her toys and focusing on materal things. Better yet, how about picking your battles with your kids. Being her friend is ok, but putting your foot down when you need to is even better...it's called parenting. Also, when your kid asks you for something how about saying, "hay we'll check with your dad and see what he says" Discuss this with your better half and agree to the request together, same thing with punishment makes life so much easier and both parents are involved
Reply
3-23-2010 @ 5:50AM
MarleyDog said...The problem here is... you have only boys!
You'll never understand unless you have a girl.
3-23-2010 @ 7:27AM
b1lly said...NO, MARLEY, the problem is you don't listen. Maybe your son is growing up as shallow and materialistic as you are. While your daughter is telling you she doesn't care about the material objects. She is seeking an emotional bond, and your approval and acceptance.
If you would really like to be helpful, NEVER GIVE PARENTING ADVICE TO ANYBODY EVER!!!
3-22-2010 @ 5:32PM
eklojoe said...I don't even know her and I hate her.
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:33PM
Picur said...Sounds to me like she needs a reality check. Take her to the soup kitchens, to the homeless shelters, to the Centers for abused children and let her see what life is like for other children who really do have it rough, and in many cases, are hard pressed to find someone who will really show them love. That's what my mom did with me when I was acting up as a 10 year old. It made an impression. Of course, I tried the spoiled little girl act again and the next time instead of going down to the homeless shelter, my mom took me to my room, pulled me across her lap and gave me some bare bottomed "parental-bonding time." I must say that it worked. I would recommend the first approach to your daughter, and if doesn't work, I definitely recommend the second.
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:39PM
Peg said...Wow, this child is showing extreme self loathing. The question is why? This is a classic example of something that sexual abuse victims go through. Seriously, get the kid some therapy now, she is screaming this because its what she thinks about herself and the reason she thinks this is because someone did or said something to her that makes her think its the correct view.
She is not being a brat, she is acting out as a way to communicate something she cannot flat out say out loud.
This kid will probably cut herself and show suicidal tendencies, sexual promiscuity and be an extreme risk taker if the source of this hatred is not exposed.
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:40PM
kh32962 said...Worst advice I've ever heard.The kid is a brat.
Spoiled to a point where her only form of
communication is rage.
You need a lot more help than "accepting her issues".
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:40PM
ben dover said...i hate her too!!!!
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:42PM
Larry said...Sounds to me like this sweet little girl needs a foot in her ass .
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 10:59PM
L.G. said...ROFLMAO!!!
3-22-2010 @ 5:44PM
Mary said...This parent needs to read the book "Simplicity Parenting."
Reply
3-22-2010 @ 5:51PM
FSW said...ok to all those who are calling this 9yr old a brat.. Really?! I have a 9yr old daughter who shows some of these same behaviors.. guess what SHE IS NOT A BRAT.. and either is the one in this story. There might be something more going on, there might not. But if the child does not feel comfortable talk w her parents find someone she can be comfortable with to help figure out the problem...some kids are just headstrong, and have a hard time opening up to parents .. trust me it happens.. been there done that.. still working thru it all with mine.. and really y would anyone say they "hate this kid" thats is being a brat by saying crap like that!
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3-22-2010 @ 6:14PM
Angiebaby said...Oh, hell. AdviceMama Susan Stiffelman needs to stifle it, alright. I mean, if you are telling your daughter you love her repeatedly, on a daily basis, and she's still screaming like a banshee, the damn answer IS NOT to do more of what ain't working, now is it? Your little demon seed clearly knows how to behave... when she wants to.
So, let's take a look at what you've said. Hmmm. You dote on her, she has her own room, oodles of toys, and she is manipulating you like your a stupid little marionette and she's the maniacal puppeteer. Let me venture a guess, here. The kid screams "everybody in this family hates me" when she isn't getting her way. When she screams, I'm going to guess you nearly fall into a puddle of tears, swearing your undying love for her little highness. Am I right? (As a little aside, I can't believe AdviceMama didn't ask what is going on when your kid throws these tantrums!)
Forget all that "self examination" to see what YOU are doing wrong when your Tazmanian she-devil starts spinning. First of all, she has a room. Use it! When the whirling dervish begins disrupting the whole family because she doesn't want to set the table, tell her she can scream all she wants to, but you are not going to listen to it. If she chooses to continue screaming, she must do it in her room with the door closed, and when she has calmed down and is ready to set the table, she is welcome to rejoin the family. If she decides not to come out, fine. She won't starve to death if she misses a meal. But when she comes slinking out just before bedtime, all "Mommy, I'm sorry. I love you," too bad, so sad... no dinner for her. Or she can make herself a PB&J sandwich & a glass of milk, but she has to finish it and clean up the mess before her bedtime in 15 minutes. And if bedtime is at 9 and she crawls out at 8:45, no extra time to read to her and tuck her in. Her bedtime is 9PM. Don't expect her to like it, and be prepared to dig in your heels the first few times you do this. But after a couple of times she will understand you mean BUSINESS, and she can get with the program or be excluded until she can behave like a human being.
Or you can follow AdviceMamaLlama's ridiculous suggestions, and the whole damn family will end up in therapy.
Signed,
Parenting Isn't For Wimps.
Reply
3-23-2010 @ 5:05PM
Todd said...I have read a few Q & A's from this "licensed family psychotherapist," and have clucked my tongue silently a few times - but refrained from commenting publicly, despite disagreeing on a very visceral level with the advice being dispensed, as I felt that my status as a single, childless person gave me less perspective on the specific issues at hand than was needed to make a balanced comment.
This post, though, takes the cake.
And the fact that Susan Stiffelman, S.F.T., can say, or write, with a perfectly straight face (and, one suspects, SAY, in the sweet, disaffected, homogenous tones of an N.P.R. dee jay) that a NINE year old who has the cleverness to act the part of sweetness and light among company, yet then screech, "Everyone in this family hates me!" behind closed doors, simply needs "warmth and empathy," or perhaps a unifying game of UNO, is not only baffling, but terrifying to me.
For starters, this kind of extreme behavior would suggest a rather serious environmental and/or emotional upset for the child in question. That Ms. Stiffelman blithely ignores this obvious fact, in favor of "walk(s) in the park," is alarming. If, however, the situation is one where neither environmental nor typical "emotional" issues are at play, and the child is merely "acting out" in a highly unacceptable way - well, then, Ms. Stiffelman again does us all a disservice by not suggesting that discipline be administered, "precious gift" not withstanding.
Again, as a single, childless person, I do not claim to understand or even empathize with the challenges a parent must face. However, I can say from keen observation that parenting has become so lax, so simultaneously fawning ("My child is the absolute best at everything, and his/her self-esteem must be preserved at all cost!") and disenfranchised ("...BUT my child's self-esteem cannot be at the cost of MY self-esteem, my yoga coach, my pilates instructor, or my personal trainer...") that Ms. Stiffelman's "advice" in this case is not only particularly loathsome, but irresponsible, to boot.
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