Don't Let Public Temper Tantrums Give You Fits

lucia,
my mother and father spanked me as a child and I am not violent or a criminal. I thank them for raising me the way they did because today I have a clear understanding of what is right and wrong. I never felt degraded, maybe a little embarissed if it was in public but it sure did teach me what would happen if I acted up. Now of days I see the way these kids and teens act in public, and it just amazes me how bad they are. they don't stay with their parents in the store, they steal and tear things up. they pretty much do what ever they want, and it's because they are not disciplined. time out is too easy on kids. I remember my aunt used to try that with me and my cousins and all we did was turn it into a game, a game of lets see who can get the farthest from the chair when aunt amber wasn't looking. It didn't make us think about what we did wrong at all.

I always love the people that chastise spankers. "Hitting" your child. And how THEY never had to with theirs. Joy Behar from The View does this too and drives me nuts. To "you" type of people I say good for you and aren't you lucky, but all children are not the same and some actually only respond to a swat on the bottom. It does not hurt and does get their attention.

So to you mighty than thou people, mind your own freaking business. Don't judge me. And you are not a better parent than I am, we just have different types of children.

I'm with you-while a swat is a quick way to get a child's attention, what is the lesson? That I'm bigger than you and if you tick me off I will hit you. The kid doesn't stop because they realize they're wrong, they stop because they're afraid. Good way to build trust. Most of the swats I see handed out in public seem to be more of frustration on the parent's part rather than a well-considered discipline technique. And if you think about it, the child made the parent lose control so even though the kid didn't get the candy bar, he still won the power play.
The better way is for them to understand that no means no. And that starts when they're little enough to start doing things they shouldn't. You have to enforce 'no' every time. Get off your behind, go to the child, take the whatever out of their mouth and say 'no'. Every time. They will quickly learn what it means and when they're willfully disobedient, follow up with a non-violent punishment. Eventually it becomes habit.
My mother had 'the look' and my dad would either say 'I'm disappointed in you' or 'are you proud of yourself at this moment?' and it works for me-I can count the tantrums on one hand.
I've used a trick my mom did to me at the very last tantrum I threw and I remember it vividly. She told my dad to finish up the grocery shopping and took me out to the parking lot and said 'go ahead, scream. C'mon, louder. You can do better than that-stamp your feet. Lie down on the ground and pound your fists...' I was stunned and even my four year old brain could understand this wasn't going to work-ever-so there was no point in trying.
Of course we didn't go out when I was tired or hungry or not feeling well which are tantrum triggers. If it meant we stayed home or I stayed in the car while one ran in for a few things, well, they were parents first.
My parents we absolutely the boss and we weren't coddled. They ruled by respect they had earned by being consistent and living their lives honorably. We were held to high standards of behavior and lived up to them-how can you expect a kid to control themselves if you can't?
Little ones don't have the words to express themselves and control frustration and how many adults do we see having temper tantrums, so you can't expect it out of kids. How would you feel if you came home from an awful day at work and your SO said 'I don't care if you're upset and I don't want to hear it, shut up and make dinner or I'll smack you'? That's what you're telling your kids. 'I don't care if you're tired and want a candy bar. You're going to shut up because if not I'll hit you'. Not getting that candy bar is as big of a deal to a little one as you not getting a raise or getting bawled out at work-their worlds are so much smaller than ours.
It comes down to saying their feelings are less important than getting through the checkout. No, they're not getting the candy either way, but isn't it better to recognize their feelings and help them learn self-control rather than have them learn to behave 'or else'?
Wait until they're teens. If they know you respect their feelings and opinions and they respect yours because you've been fair and consistent and no really means no and you'll love them no matter what they're better prepared for the minefield of being a teenager.
Or, you can keep hitting them and hope they don't get bigger than you...

Geez...no one is talking about beating the kid Luisa. Just a swat on the behind. It's people like you who don't know the difference between a parent who is disciplining their child and one who is tenderizing the kid. You're probably the first one to call Child Services when some crazy little monster is getting a well deserved swat on the butt. Well, since you don't mind the kids growing up doing whatever they want without feeling consequence, please don't be upset when some teenage terror vandalizes or steals your belongings because he was never taught any respect or self-control.

Thank you,Luisa for saying the truth. Hitting and spanking are the same thing. Spanking has been done for so long that it's become a "tradition" for some parents of today.( By the way, how do you spank a child "with love?") I agree with you that you are teaching children that when you are frustrated and can't think of anything else to do, you HIT. That's what spanking teaches. Real discipline is immediately putting a stop to the bad behavior and removing the child from a public place (if throwing a tantrum). What's wrong with grabbing your child and getting in their face to say ,"You will never do that again! DO YOU UNDERSTAND??" And then more consequences at home..Worked for my daughter...it scared the crap out of her!! Kid was never spanked and now she's a pediatrician. I see SO many parents these days IGNORING their screaming,misbehaving children and wonder WHAT ARE THEY THINKING???? I would've been mortified if my child acted that way...and this is in CHURCH no less!!!! They don't want to get their child "angry " at them. They want to befriend them instead of parenting them. THAT is what has to change..NOT more hitting. The world has enough of that as it is.

Extremely well-said! Kudos to you for being able to stick to your guns while raising 4 children (I have to remind myself that I only have 1, sometimes!). It is so hard, but every time we cave in to bad behavior (as opposed to rewarding the good) we just reinforce the bad. I've only ever had to leave a store once because of my child having a tantrum, because once was all it took to make the point. That being said, however, I can't tell you how many times I skipped the trip somewhere because I knew it was naptime, lunchtime, whatever.

You say your children are well behaved and you have never spanked them. Guess in a fantasy worls you live in that is great but let me tell you in the real world we live in that is not the case. I have grown daughters now that have children of there own and let me tell ya the time out crap is just that. Did it hurt us when we were growing up to get our butt popped a time or 2. No we are who we are today because we didnt get our way, we didnt get everything handed to us. No was no and we knew when we heard that it was meant and if we kept pushing there would be a spanking coming, so we stopped. We respected our parents and that is the problem today kids dont respect no one, not even there self. Lets go back to the old ways and well see how our crime rate drops and how kids behave like they should.

There is absolutky no way in the world that your child NEVER had a tantrum it is a normal part of development. The way that you deal with it is personal be it time out or spanking it just needs to be consistent so that the child knows what to expect.

Nancy wrote, "You CANNOT cry unless you are injured or hurt and you have to show me the blood."

OMG I love that!! It's an attention getter that could really interrupt a tantrum before it hit full steam. I'd amend that to include catching fire. "Are you bleeding? Are you on fire? Then you can stop now." That dunking the breath-holder is also fantastic. Just like my friend, the grandmotherly type, perfectly described earlier...the kids know how to get you by the ying-yang. Breath-holders are the top of that heap. I'll bet just a quick dousing with a glass of water would have the same effect. How could anyone possibly resist the urge to gasp? That's parenting right there...picking out the right tools that'll will cause your own individual child to behave within the boundaries of your own family's values.

One of my personal absolutes was that my kids had to hold my hand in parking lots, crossing streets, or really whenever I felt it necessary. As is perfectly normal, sometimes they resisted. Thus developed the "hold my hand or I'll hold your hair" rule. This rule would not sit well with some folks and that's okay. It was the tool I needed to use in order to make my family function in a manner that fit with my values.