Don't Let Public Temper Tantrums Give You Fits

by Melissa Kossler Dutton (Subscribe to Melissa Kossler Dutton's posts)
Mar 23rd 2010 3:34PM

Filed under: Development/Milestones: Babies, Behavior, Expert Advice: Babies

Stay calm when your child melts down in public. Credit: Felipe Pimentel, Flickr

Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but that doesn't make them pleasant for parents -- especially when they happen in public places.

Still, there are things parents can do to minimize the stress of the situation.

First, don't be embarrassed by your child's fits, says psychologist Aletha Solter, author of Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry.

"It's normal," sayas Solter, who runs the Aware Parenting Institute in Goleta, Calif.

Solter believes in letting tantrums run their course but, if possible, move the child to a quiet corner of the store or take him or her to the car. Don't punish children or give them what they want in an attempt to quiet them, she says.

"It's OK if she has a meltdown," she says. "You don't have to give in. You don't have to buy the candy."
Child psychologist Rich Gilman also suggests moving the child to a less distracting location and implementing a timeout so the child can calm down. For Gilman, a timeout isn't a punitive measure -- it's an opportunity for children to "get themselves under control."

Gilman, a coordinator of psychology and special education programs at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center, counsels parents to use timeouts at home and in public when children are having difficulty with self control or aggression.

Solter recommends calmly telling the child: "I see that you're upset. I'll stay with you until you feel better." By validating their feelings, you help children realize they can share their feelings with you, she says.

If a child becomes violent during a tantrum and tries to hit or kick you, stop them, Solter says. Tell them: "I cannot let you hit. I need to hold your arms right now. It's OK to scream and cry, it's not OK to hit me."

Both experts say parents can try to prevent public temper tantrums by monitoring their children's moods. If a child seems tired or irritable, consider skipping a trip to the grocery store or other outing, they say.

Another way to avoid public tantrums is to remind children on the way into a store or restaurant how you expect them to behave, Gilman says, adding that a child who knows what's expected will try hard to meet those expectations.

Related: Monkeys Throw Temper Tantrums, Too

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 19)

Add Your Comments

3-25-2010 @ 8:29AM

cindyccrider said...

This article is absolute bunk. Throwing a tantrum is NOT acceptable behavior at any time - at home or anywhere else. Oh sure they will try, but if they do, give them a real reason to cry.
A child needs to learn discipline and consequences to his/her actions.

3-25-2010 @ 8:32AM

Nancy said...

I would rename Solter's book: Tears and Tantrums - Validating the Self Absorbed Little Monster and Creating Tomorrow's Ineffectual
Wuss. I, too, am a mother and grandmother and couldn't agree more with Kathy, Babs, Katie, and Amanda, and all the other REAL
parents who know from EXPERIENCE what makes kids tick and
how to deal with what amounts to bullying. The name of the game is SOCIALIZATION...the knowing of one's proper place in the family and society. I've found that the two things kids need most are
STRUCTURE and RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY. Not only do they need it, they want it. My kids and I have talk about child-rearing
issues quite a bit and all of them resort to spanking when the
behavior merits it... and while they never enjoyed Mom's and Dad's
"little taps" as kids, they understand, as parents themselves, the
purpose and necessity for them. The main thing I had to watch
out for when administering a spanking was my own emotional
state. After all, how was I going to teach self-control if I didn't model it myself?

chris said...

Benedryl works wonders on unruly kids. A small dose in a juice box is all that's needed for a pleasant outing for all.

3-25-2010 @ 9:51AM

me said...

chris said
Benedryl works wonders on unruly kids. A small dose in a juice box is all that's needed for a pleasant outing for all.

So does getting them really drunk, but I would not do that either. Teaching them to behave is the only answer. Unless you like that sort of sh-tuff

3-25-2010 @ 8:33AM

Crafty Jan said...

I have 5 children, including twin boys, ages 12-28. I absolutely agree that going to the car for time-out does work! You cannot discipline your kids like we had it growing up without scrutiny & the law getting involved. Personally, I believe this has led to many of the social issues young people have today-they show no respect. We would sacrifice our time to remove our child from the store, restaurant, and even go to a quiet corner at the park. It usually takes less than 10 minutes for them to calm down & realize they will NOT have it their way.

Karin said...

Omg people every child is differetn only my youngest has thrown fits in the store on me. I triied the talking, timeouts , and spanking nothing was working. Finally I jsut did not allow her to go to the store with me for 2 entire weeks that is a long time for a 6 year old. Yes she was that old and pulling that crap on me.
She would cry everytime I left her with dad and went alone. Finally when I took her no more fits and she gets the point that is not happening anymore. Stubbern children are hard but it is not a bad quality to have as she uses it in dance to be the best dancer school to learn things she does not always get right away . It has just taken lots of discipline on my part.

3-25-2010 @ 8:34AM

gotta have chocolate said...

just ignore and tune them out. When they realize that this isn't working, they stop. Spankings, t/o's, and trying to reason doesn't work.

3-25-2010 @ 9:50AM

Mia said...

Right. Tune them out. And while you're 'tuning out' your screaming, crying, unruly little monster, everyone around you is getting annoyed and irritated. Right, great idea. You win Parent of the Year Award.

3-25-2010 @ 8:36AM

kay said...

Time out does work! My ex was abusive and left bruises on my son. After we divorced I decided no more physical abuse. If my son misbehaved, he had to sit, either on his bed or on a chair. A parent has to be consistent, and right away the child has to be "punished" by being removed to a quiet place. Funny eveyone talks about spanking, BUT if someone else hit their child, they're ready to sue.

3-25-2010 @ 8:44AM

eric said...

do you think your child responded to the time out because your child had the beatings to compare time out to? not all kids have that.

3-25-2010 @ 9:58AM

mother duck said...

If someone random hit my child I would kick their behind but the truth of the matter is I believe it takes a village to raise a child. There are a number of people who have spanking authority over my child. I do agree that time out is an effective way to handle poor behavior is some cases but I still believe there is no substitute for a good old fashion spanking. With that being said I think spanking works best for little children and in situations where you want to a point to stick in the forefront of a child's mind. Leaving bruises is a bit overboard but my mom definitely left a couple of welts and I came out great. I think in situations where the child is putting themselves in danger....they should get a spanking (like if they run out in the street or jerk away from you in a busy parking lot or stick stuff in the outlet or even open containers that they have been told not to touch) My belief is that in certain emergency situations an obedient child is the difference between life and death and a child who follows directions without questioning or doing his/ her own thing is invaluable in the day and age. If that has to be achieved with getting your behind spanked I am on board!

3-25-2010 @ 8:40AM

bill said...

the answer is, there is no answer, just do the best u can

3-25-2010 @ 11:55AM

bobbyv89 said...

Have not seen the positive distraction idea posted yet. Works for us. Being an older first time parent, I could see running out of energy for this method, but my wife and I knuckle down and do the work. It's totally worth it in the end. Our boy is whiny 30 minutes before nap time, and if he is not sick, constantly smiles and laughs.
Our theory - eats good, poops good, sleeps good. Not to say luck does'nt play a role, but we kind of let him do his thing, don't hover or henpeck, and he discovers how smart and fun he really is by himself, with our watchful eye at a distance. Best advice I received as a new parent - don't be fatalistic. Just because things are hectic and frustrating now, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Parents should take time outs, and come back with a new attitude.

i always get the impression that these articles are written by people without actual children. maybe like Sims children at home on their laptop or something. oh well, i read a book about children and took a course in it and ... yeah, well i read scifi and i still haven't scored a chick with eight boobs.

3-25-2010 @ 9:14AM

susan said...

that's the truest truism ever. the childless write this stuff. they think it's so easy and for some reason they have it in their heads that you can REASON with a toddler. a BIG ROTFLMAO at them!

jaybro said...

In the good old days, a child was taught strict discipline and to submit his will to adults from the first day on. Then temper tantrums didn't occur uless little Johnny expercted he was in for a whoopin. Today, we cater to the children, and let them rule the adults. That's why it's come to the need for police in schools. They still, at that age, have not learned discipline. Many NEVER do and their lives are a wreck as adult so they repeat the cycle with their offspring. It's called ADHD.......ALL DISCIPLINE HAS DISAPPEARED.

3-25-2010 @ 9:00AM

Gary Mathers said...

Whem my children were younger [ now grown] i had one of them tell me that if i punished them they woujd call the police and have me arrested. I gave them the phone and said make the call, but that before the police got there they would find out about punishment. They never made the call, If im going to do the time, i might as well do the crime..

Both my kids are very under standing about punishment, and very responsible adults now..

pegandjohn said...

keep your own emotions and anger embarresment away from the child who is overwhelmed, tired, hungrey or all the above. I have left the store, just get the child home into a comfortable place.

Hitting is so wrong, and we wonder why kids bring guns to school to what. If kids learn how to talk about the problems at a young age hopefully they won't kill !

3-25-2010 @ 9:17AM

I beg to take exception with one of your comments: Spanking and hitting are not the same. The main difference is that
I never spanked my kids without warning them before hand that continued bad behavior on their part would result in a spanking.
Implicit is that a specific consequence would accrue from
their choice to continue a specific behavior. Also, I only spanked them on their bottoms, or the top of their hands, when they tried to grab something. You're right about making a stressed, over tired
child comfortable somewhere else. If a child is in this condition, I errored in taking him or her out shopping in the first place.

3-25-2010 @ 9:45AM

Daniel said...

Do some reading.....the same kids that bring guns to school are the same ones that got timeouts as children. WHY??? Well because there is no consequence for your actions. A TIMEOUT!?!?!? Your kidding me! I would laugh at my parents for that crap. I would actually think about what I was going to do, do it, and then just save my mom the time of sending me to timeout. I would do the deed and walk straight to timeout. If that was my only consequence wow I would have done more bad $ hit as a kid. and leave the store...live your life letting your kids control it....not this guy. no way! you throw a tantrum in the store, you get spanked in the store. You can teach your kid that when they dont feel like being somewhere all they have to do is throw a fit and he gets rewarded. If I were you id check my kid for guns!!!

Previous 20 Comments 3 456 7 Next 20 Comments

Hot on HuffPost Parents:

Don't Let Public Temper Tantrums Give You Fits