Opinion: Culture of Isolation Leaves Grievers at a Loss

Grieving is a process. Kubler-Ross wrote a book years ago, "On Death and Dying". In it she talks about the 5 steps of the grieving process - first denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression and finally acceptance. People often do not realize the significance of crying. We are physically created to be able to cry....tears flow from our eyes. Tears release anger, rage, depression, and deep sorrow. Crying helps to heal our hearts. The emotional pain that we carry in our hearts. It releases it and washes it away. Repressed emotional pain can come out as anger or rage. Often we raise our boys, "Don't cry, be a big boy, don't cry." Or "Be a man, don't cry." All to often guys (or girls) think they have to be stoic and act macho and tough. Showing a softer side is looked upon as a weakness. Actually just the opposite is true. To show your emotions, how you really feel inside is so important. To be REAL, to be authentic, to be a natural, genuine human being. We all have anger, and the whole range of emotions. Young children are natural. They haven't learned to HIDE (or been made to stuff) their emotions yet. It is very unhealthy and unnatural to show no emotion or some other emotion then what you are REALLY feeling INSIDE. School does this to our kids....they are expected to come to school every day and take in information, regardless of how they are feeling. They are expected to leave their emotions at the door. So many kids, especially now a days, come to school carrying so much emotional pain....physical, emotional or sexual abuse...or some form of neglect. But the school system ignores the emotional side of the child. There is no room in the system for personal deeply felt painful emotions. That is why so many kids come to school and act out. All the school does is punish the child. They do not get to the heart of the matter and find out why the child is acting out. One little boy in first grade was being sexually abused by his father every day before going to school. His father told him he would kill him if he told anyone. This went on for years and year. The boy came to school and acted out every day....NO ONE tried to find out what was CAUSING him to react this way! All they did was punish him repeatedly....detentions, taking away privileges, suspensions, etc. By the 8th Grade he was drinking and on drugs and dropped out of school. Finally in the 8th Grade he got up the courage to tell his story. This is a tragedy. How is it that learning history, math, etc. has become more important than how we feel as traumatized human beings? One Third Grade teacher had her children sit in a circle first thing every morning for a half hour and talk about anything that was bothering them. The other children were encouraged to offer suggestions and show compassion. She said the rest of the school day went so much more smoothly with far less interuptions and kids acting out inappropriately. Also, when the kids learned for example, that someone had just lost their beloved grandparent or beloved pet, the other kids were so much kinder to that child.
In our daily lives, we need to take time to really listen to each other (and how we are feeling ourselves!) We need to make room to be able to focus on who we really are as feeling, caring human beings...to be able to respond to the whole person. This is what gives life real depth and meaning. Otherwise we are living our lives as a "flat-line" on a heart monitor.

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