A Son in Jail

by Jessica Barksdale Inclan (Subscribe to Jessica Barksdale Inclan's posts)
Mar 29th 2010 2:13PM

Filed under: Playground Bureau, Weird But True, Going Green, Extreme Childhood, Amazing Kids, Amazing Parents, Opinions

jessica barksdale inclan and her son Alex

Novelist Jessica Barksdale Inclan and her anarchist son, Alex. Credit: Jessica Barksdale Inclan

When singer Amy Winehouse's ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil was thrown in the clinker back in 2007, his mother said she was "delighted!"

Mom was happy because now she didn't have to worry about him. All Blake needed was a little dose of jail time.

Two years ago, I found myself driving over the Bay Bridge in order to bail out my then 23- year-old son Alex from the San Francisco County Jail. During his second year at the very liberal Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, he'd begun reading anarchist texts. His politics went from very liberal to no politics at all. As he told me, the definition for anarchy is "No leaders," so the fight for no government interference began to guide him.

The day before my drive, Alex had been arrested at an anti-war rally and charged with nine felonies. Before leaving the house, I'd called the intake officer, discovering that one of the felonies was carrying a concealed deadly weapon. As I drove, I clutched the steering wheel, wondering incredulously, "What weapon? What had he meant to do? Who had he meant to hurt? How can you stop a war in one place with a weapon here?"

To be honest, this brush with the judiciary system didn't come as a complete shock. Alex had been arrested before, taken into this same jail two years earlier for the same reason, war protesting. But that time, the cops had broken Alex's arm with a baton and released him. Following his freedom, he took public transportation to the hospital, the doctors cast his arm and the next night he was at his younger brother Josh's play, walking the opening night crowd like a movie star.

"You are so inspiring!" the play's director said.

I'd wanted to jump the director and slap him silly. What was the point of all this protesting? Would it change the world or just make my life a living hell? And look what it was doing to his brother whose night this really was. Two years older than Josh, Alex had always stolen the limelight with his eloquence and energy, and even on this important night, such was the case. Everyone was focused on the wrong person.

"You must be so proud," one of the other parents said.

"Yes, the play is great," I said.

"No, your other son! How brave of him to put himself out there."

This time, as I parked my car at the jail lot and walked up to the open bail bonds office, I thought back on that parent's comment from two years earlier. How I could possibly be proud of Alex's arrests? Surely we need people to shake things up, to voice the other side of issues. And I believe in the right to protest.

But was my son protesting a war on foreign soil or waging a war on some internal demon? What was this good fight that he was fighting really about? Was he fighting for peace or against his suburban upbringing?

I didn't know. I didn't know if he knew, either.

The kind woman at the bail bonds office calmed me. She gave me instructions on how to find my son's courtroom and then pointed me in the direction of a decent coffee shop.

Later than morning, my handcuffed son was led into the courtroom, wearing a neon orange jumpsuit. He looked exhausted and sad, his hair unkempt, and suddenly without even realizing I was doing so, I was in his corner, on his side, clear that he should be released. He was only protesting, and the concealed deadly weapon? A toy slingshot.

Now, as I think back at that moment, after all the charges were dropped, I understand the mothers with sons in jail, the mothers whose sons are violent, even murderous. Mothers love their children even if they can't be proud of them. But how far can that love stretch? What would it take for me to look at my son and back away slowly, leaving him to his own life?

That's a question I don't want to answer.

This essay was written by Jessica Barksdale Inclan, a novelist who teaches literature and creative writing for Diablo Valley College, and novel writing for UCLA Extension. Visit her at Red Room to read more of her work, including her latest supernatural romance novel, The Beautiful Being.

ReaderComments (Page 4 of 6)

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3-29-2010 @ 10:38PM

lule said...

Im a mom and I will always will support my kids, my mom did when I was in jail, I spent 3 horrible nighs, I end up in jail when I was the victim, my mom suffered so much and I felt bad because if I had ever listen her advised, I will not be making mistakes like these. God bless you mama.

3-29-2010 @ 10:51PM

Patty Wilshire said...

I agree Jail helps no one. I took the stance if you get in trouble do not call me.Jail did not change the fact that my son is also an alcoholic and is bi-polar.( same as his dad) I have co-operative with the police in locating my son and sending him to jail,only to find out the police officer did not honor the words spoken to me to enlist my support. He takes several medications and he was in the medical holding area and they refused him the right to see a dr even though he told them he was losing his sight.Luckly he is a patient at MHMR and they have a liason that contacted the jail and my son was granted permission to see a dr. When the blood test came back his medication level was twice what it should have been. He could have died or gone blind with out the help of the Mhmr liason.
The jail was giving him the wrong dosage of medication, my son tried to tell them that and they just started crushing up his pills so he did not know what they gave him.
P.S, Thank God I changed my mind and visited him and made the call to MHMR,

3-29-2010 @ 11:19PM

Bella said...

Patty, I TOTALLY understand what you are saying! Please read my post below. I had the same problem with my son in jail concerning his meds being denied (bi-polar) and I had to step in.
I am so glad you stepped in for your son! It's heartbreaking enough to know they are delusional, but then to be put in a dark hole and denied meds, that is inhumane!

3-29-2010 @ 11:08PM

Peggy stated she is an alcoholic, as well as her sons. While some here have judged her and her son's behavior, I seriously doubt that many of these have lived with a loved one who is an alcoholic/addict? Most do not understand that this is a disease. Please don't take my word on it, research it.

Also, Peggy is exactly right about jail,,,the system is horrific! My father was an alcoholic, but had a heart of gold. He died in his forties. I am not, thank God. However, my son is an alcoholic/addict. Trust me, a mother is a mother is a mother,,,she never gives up! Too many people are sitting in a cell, instead of a hospital! To make matters worst, my son suffers from bi-polar disorder and it was diagnosed when he was a child.

Imagine having a son in solitary confinement because his meds are messed up and so they just send him to jail and put him in a dark hole, and refuse his meds!!!!

This is the reason we are awaiting the house bill "Sean's Law" to be passed in Ohio! Sean Levert was arrested for being behind on his child support and denied his "prescribed meds" from a doctor for panic disorder! They watched as he became delusional and thought he was a child crying for his mother! He died!

Religion??? I noticed a comment about God and consequences of our actions. Yes, we do reap what we sew. Having said that,,,I am a Christian and it was my faith in God that got me through! My ex husband refused to have anything to do with our son, so I went it alone, with God of course, which was quiet enough!

Today, after years of jail, courts, etc., my son is living a sober and healthy life, working and thankful to be alive! Everyday when I see him a tear will come to my eyes, because I know where he has been and how he has fought for his life!

His father? Still refuses to talk to him? Why? I'm not sure? He lives most of his life in church, but I have yet to see him stand with me during the hardest times when I could barely function. My prayer is that he will someday have a relationship with our son. That would be wonderful.

So, unless you've been there, please be gentle with others who are going through addiction. Addiction is not something I would wish on anyone in this world.

PEGGY, STAY STRONG! MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU!

3-30-2010 @ 12:07AM

Bill said...

Bella,

I hope the very best for you. It appears your son is doing a great job at being a productive, self-confident enrichment to society.

From your post, I think you have this, but I will reiterate it for those still in dreamland.

If you treat an addict kindly, lovingly, with acceptance, with compassion.....they will take everything you have and more. It's called enabling. Unacceptable behavior is just that, UNACCEPTABLE.

If you are surrounded by addicts, you really need to evaluate how you got there so you can work your way out! It may be the one thing the addict takes seriously and begins to realize their addicted life is not what they want, and would rather have you in there instead of disappearing forever. Of course, addicts behave differently and may never change, but for you, that is immaterial as you are out of the freak show and back to living a wholesome life of your own.

Understand; when I told my son that they had better take him to jail because it was safer than being where I could get my hands on him, the message was very clear. "You embarrass and humilate me, and there will be consequences you REALLY don't want. Forget how terrible jail is, forget how awful you feel being arrested, forget how to explain it to your friends.......you, will have to deal with ME. What that did was simple. He used his best judgement and considered the outcome of HIS actions against right and wrong. It caused him to pause and think before acting. Whenever he came to "that could get me into heaps of trouble", he chose not to do it. What that boils down to is fairly obvious, he would never dishonor himself and therefore lives up to my expectations of being a man.
His successes humble me. I give thanks daily for his well being and safety. He has made me a very happy father, has a wonderful family, and a truly blessed life. His daughter is 11 and is a marvelous child. He calls me a cranky old man and I call him kid and we laugh about it. To say I love him is far too shallow a statement.

Far too many parents these days could care less how or who raises their children. The outcome of that is what makes headlines in the papers - and it's growing exponentially!

3-30-2010 @ 1:42AM

Bella
Praise God for your sons recovery, WE give GOD the glory.I have attened many al-anon meetings and group sessions.I have reached the point where I can Love and be available to help my son when he is willing to accept help and to detach when he makes bad choices.But he knows I always Love Him and I know God will heal him in his own time and not on my time table. I am raising his two teenage sons.One positive out come of all this is my son has taked honestly to his kids and told them he has made bad choices but they were his choices and no one is to blame but himself.He has told them he loves them enough to allow me to provide a stable home for them because that is best for them and giving up his rights to raise them is the high price he has paid for his bad choices.And yes he supports them well and visits several times a week( and he is sober when he comes because those are the rules)
I really think this has made such an impression that my grandsons will break the generational curse.

Joe said...

I see some of these types of behaviors described in the comments as an educator at an alternative high school. Our school is more of a second chance school but all one sees is mothers coming in and complaining about their children getting in trouble and what we did to them. Sometimes there are fathers in the home but yet the fathers seem to lay low and stay out of these matters and it is the mothers defending their children.
Some of these kids have committed multiple crimes out in the community but yet the mothers continue to come in and complain about what we did to their baby. I understand coming to your child's defense maybe a couple of times but multiple times after they have committed serious offenses?! Some of these kids are three time felons and the mothers still come in complaining. I wonder how these parents afford the legal fees?! We also have teenage mothers having multiple children and the parents continue to enable these girls and allow them to keep on having babies. Maybe that is why they are at an alternative high school. Futhermore we don't know if the young man described in this article has been in trouble just once or multiple times. We have a lot of these so called anarchists, who can't spell anarchists (anti homework, anti education drug users), at our school. I just thought that I would give some input because I am on the front lines dealing with this issue every day.

3-30-2010 @ 1:02AM

Joe, are you a teacher? If this is how you feel then why are you working at an alternative school where your job is to teach these kids.
The key word is Kids , they deserve to have the people that are entrusted with their education to GIVE A Damn.

This may sound harsh but alot of these kids have parents that neglect them ( even if they come and complain) Sometimes it only takes one teacher to turn a student around.

I will pray for you and the kids you are entrusted with.

3-29-2010 @ 11:09PM

joeswatzell said...

If your kid wants to stop the war,have them join the military, go overseas, and eliminate any terrorist who thinks killing Infidels is a good idea.

wh4460 said...

God gives each of us freedom of choice - your son made his choice - let him rot in jail. What is he doing at Evergreen anyway?

3-29-2010 @ 11:25PM

saintmartha said...

If I were his mother, I would have to be proud of him and back him 100%. He is not a murderer or a rapist or a thief. He is a voice of reason. He is one of those people we should thank for our remaining freedom.

3-30-2010 @ 12:35AM

Ellie said...

I'm sorry to have to disagree, but it is all the brave men and women in all our armed forces that keep us free!!! They keep us safe and all our freedoms protected. How soon people forget the horrors of 9/11 and the very real possibility that it could happen again in this country...and you truly think this anarchist KID is gonna protect your freedoms then?? He's good at free speech, and in a very disrespectful and apparently violent way at that!!!

Josie said...

My heart and prayers go out to you. I have a son who is in prison right now. he was waiting to go into basic training for the army and a girl that was 16 yrs old wanted to date my son and he told her no. She became emotionally upset and when the day came for him to ship out she asked for a kiss. He was 181/2 yr old. so he gave her one kiss on the mouth and she went home all upset because he was leaving and wrote this story about how they did more than kiss. He made it through basic and then when into advance training when they showed up and said come with me. that was some years ago and he only has three and half years left. he has emotional problems and it will take some adjusting to life without bars. But GOD is good and he will make us parents strong. Dont listen to those people who say we whine or complain to much. How would they feel if it were their child? I will never give up on my child or stop loving him no matter what he does. he is my son

3-30-2010 @ 9:14AM

This is a Good Point, how many men end up in jail because a wife or girlfriend lied. I always thought a he said/she said was not enough proof in a court of law.But it seems in some of these cases she said is enough.

Go Figure in a Murder trail you need stronger evidence and at times some people get away with murder? Have a disagreement with your girlfriend or wife and go to jail.

Do we need a better system or what.
I always supported the legal system and our police officers untill I saw how it worked up close. I learned the hard way never to trust a liar even if it is the police.

3-29-2010 @ 11:29PM

big40s said...

Have you ever seen what a ball bearing can do when shot out of a sling shot? Probably not.
It is like a gun with no gun pwder. A "toy slingshot" is indeed a deadly weapon.
I wish I lived in a head in the sand type of world, but I don't.
I don't know what your son believes in, and really don't care, but I can say that a "toy slingshot" can kill a person.
You should wake up and start to appreciate where you live, just as you are welcom to live here, you are welcom to leave.

P.S. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

P.P.S. You probably won't leave, you'll just keep whining about why everything is so unfair.

3-29-2010 @ 11:34PM

Stephen said...

There should be no end to a parents love for their child. Lessons should be taught yes. But, taught at home, not jail.

3-29-2010 @ 11:52PM

Wendy said...

For any parent out there who thinks they are helping their kids by constantly bailing them out of jail, giving them more money, giving them a place to stay, you are fooling yourselves, big time. I see and hear about it all the time. This is one reason my 20 year-old step-son is in jail as I write this.

He had everything going for him. He is bright, athletic, friendly, and patient. He got along with just about everyone, and we got along great. We spent time together doing different things. I would have never guessed that one day he would take the wrong path. The problem was, not only was he an only child, but both parents never made him prepare for adulthood. When he got older he tried, living with friends, and working here and there, but it wasn't enough and he would always come back to mom or dad for something. He wanted to live the single lifestyle, without having the desire, or the know-how to pay for it. He bounced around doing so many things, but never really sticking to any of them. I told my husband for three years...he HAS to work full time, it is the only way he will get used to doing the work and getting a paycheck. It never happened.

It started when he asked his dad for money for books while he was taking some college classes. My husband bought it...never asked him for a receipt...and instead, the kid gave the money to someone else. It took off from there...stealing his dad's car at least three times, getting into accidents twice (and underage drinking). I was livid that he had done this, and told my husband time after time, do you know how lucky he was that he didn't hurt or kill someone?? I asked and begged my husband to cut him off, and I tried and tried to tell him, that each and every time he did something, there was no excuse.....but instead, either dad or mom somehow forgave him and gave him another chance.

The reason he is in jail is because he got violent, and he got violent with his dad. GAME OVER. No bail, no phone calls, no visits. Now, his dad nor I want nothing to do with him at all, until he possibly gets his act together one day. I really don't think it will happen....he will get out of jail one day, but if he shows up at our door, I will slam it shut. I don't care if he ends up on the street....because he will have to hit rock bottom and find a way out, and realize that he is the only one who is responsible for his own life.

Parents today need to do the tough love thing more than ever before. Many of our kids have no desire to do anything in life; they want to party, get by on family, get family or others to do things for them. By constantly helping your kids time after time, or giving them their drug money, you're telling your kids that this is how life will always be.

3-30-2010 @ 12:09AM

wowzer said...

I did not become a parent because I understood that how it turns out was/is a crap shoot. I probably saw too much in my own dysfunctional home to want to repeat the cycle. Parenting is such a tough job, and too many are so poorly prepared to enter into it. I wish you all well. At 54, I can't say I envy you. But I understand how important you are.

3-30-2010 @ 12:10AM

Hey Kris!! said...

I have 2 children one of which is a teenager. I tell them all the time if you ever go to jail, dont plan on getting bailed out, I will not bail you out and I will sit in front of the jail as long as needed to make sure no one else does either AND I MEAN IT. I work too hard to raise them right, give them the things they want and need for them to act like criminals. I will not have a criminal child, as I tell them unless its defending yourself or someone else, dont even bother making a call because it wont help you. They know this is the truth and trust me they are wonderful children so far and if I have any say and I do they will grow up to be wonderful law abiding citizens. Parents need to take control again and raise our children, stop letting them rip run and tear. When I was a child my mother told me the same thing, trust me I was more afraid of her than the cops and to this day I have not been in jail or ever commited a crime. I respected my mother as my children do me!!!!

3-30-2010 @ 4:35PM

MOMOF4 said...

To the person who responded "Hey Kris!"

Guess what? You cannot stop anyone from bailing someone out of jail even if said person is your son. Too bad. This just shows that you don't love them unless they are "perfect". You will be one of those old, lonely people who only have cats because they decided their children weren't good enough for them to love. I hope you end up in a mursing home praying for someone to come bail you out.

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