A Son in Jail

he was charged with carrying a concealed deadly weapon, and it was a slingshot?
i knew california was the land of fruits and nuts, but thats pathetic

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I can truly understand how you feel. I am the mother of a 23 year old son who IS currently in jail -- IN ANOTHER STATE -- for a pettyish crime, yet it is still a crime, and as for me -- I am devastated. Every memory of him as a little sweet boy has surfaced, even when I try to sleep. I cry when I don't want to-- I feel like such a failure. My son has had a bout with the law before, two years ago. He, with his college friends, was convinced by his friends, to go into Target. The group of them went, and one of the young men decided to steal a sheet-set. They ran when they saw security coming at them, yet my son decided to stay and explain that he wasn't involved. He was arrested, and had to serve probation. The shock I felt as I sat in that jail waiting room, I cannot begin to explain. And then the reality of my little boy coming from behind those huge steel doors, as they released him was more than I could bear. This was the last place on earth I expected to see my son. He is such a beautiful, good person. He could be so much in this world, yet a foolish decision -- then this incident. He was embarrassed, and he cried and promised me NEVER again. When I finally met his so-called friends, I knew they were trouble. As time passed, I thought he had moved on from this terrible experience -- ONLY to find out that these SAME people stayed in contact with him, and WITH THEM, he got in trouble in another state last week. I also found out that he had begun to drink-- which he kept hidden from me -- so when I found out he had been arrested, I was glad on the inside. As terrible as it sounds, I believed that he is AWAY from the people that so easily impress him to do the wrong thing. I realize that he is responsible for his own decisions, but sometimes, God will step in when your children just won't listen. Maybe in this place -- this time -- he will finally open his eyes and see if he continues down this path of petty foolish decisions, he will wind up doing time. And those 'friends' are like telflon, they are long gone when he needs them. Yet I have another son, one year younger, who has NEVER given me any trouble. I don't understand. This child of mine has broken my heart a million times, but what can you do? They are still your kids, and in the time of trouble, as a mother, I am there for him. Yet, I get angry because he knows better. From a good family, a good up-bringing, and still, this. He is due to get out next week, but I didn't rush to help this time. I let him sit there. To think about how he is throwing his life away. And when he gets out, if those same friends show up, then I intend to 'run them off' as best I can. Still, the most powerful things we can do -- is pray. God will take care of our kids, even when they are not being all we know they can be. Somewhere, they will 'get it' and grow up. We can't give up on them. When I see honorable judges, doctors, lawyers -- I realize, they were young men at some point. They grew up. So surely, ours will, too. Just keep praying. That's all I really know to do.

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As our kids grew up we told them if they got arrested and went to jail we would love and support them, but not bail them out. Our youngest daughter was arrested and taken to jail. When she called cryiing for me to bail her out I went to the County Jail, ask what she was arrested for, what was going to happen. I let her sit in jail and, as hard as it was, refused to bail her out. Now at the age of 35 she thanks me over and over for not bailing her out. She says she will never do anything to go to jail again.

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I wish my son held beliefs as yours. Unfortunately he doesnt, maybe he would have turned out differently.We had a murder in our family which affected all greatly but him more so, I believe. Hes also had issues from when he was a child(when his father left) he is now 21. I have also "bailed" him out of jail, once for carrying a knife and threatening somebody with it. He was a juvenile at the time so not much was done by the court system other than family therapy for us, and it worked for a while.Life went on... He recently got together with a 28 year old girl that has two children and moved in with my now husband who is working two jobs to support all of us( i work also for myself cleaning houses bringing in about a third of income),but its still not enough. They have been living here for over a year arguing about who is going to get a job first and whos mess it is to clean, which myself or the 8 year old would probably end up cleaning. Recently him and his sister have gone to blows for how he treats everybody, and I finally got to my limit, we got into it and he choked me, gave me bruises, and kicked a locked door in which hit me in the head. They are no longer in my home, and in my anger I told him that after what he did I never wanted to see him again... BUT I lied. We used to have a pretty good relationship, dont know where that changed, but what can I do until he sees that I do love him?For the most part he has been a problem child and even after ell the cruel words(wish you would die,kill yourself,die in a car wreck) and the other (choking) I will always love him, he is my child!!!! Havent talked to him though.

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My husband has been in prison for 18 years. His parents never arrived that night to protect him. He denfended himself from two attackers high on cocaine. This is America right. You should be able to defend yourself even if it takes the life of someone else. At 24 years old my husband would not take a plea for manslaughter because he defended himself from attackers. New York state gave him 27 years to life. If his parents would of just been there to support him, to guide them. Now they see. 18 years to late.

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The pain of your child being in jail or prison never lessens, no matter how you react outwardly to the situation, it hurts and it goes on hurting. You question everything about your parenting, you question everything about your ability to love your adult child and finally you question when or if you can/should emotionally let go. It's hard, no, it's impossible to clearly see your child without seeing all your own mistakes. Certainly, we were all raised by imperfect parents, but we all did not end up in prison over and over again. I see parents that are hardly fit to raise animals, yet their children seem to go on and live normal lives without ending up inside a prison or jail. I don't get it. I raised them alone for the most part. I worked hard, helped with homework, felt we had close loving relationships, what went wrong? Do you ever stop asking that of yourself? If I could stop feeling so frightened and guilty maybe I could answer that question myself, but like I said, first I'd have to stop feeling so frightened and guilty.

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Maybe if your son had a job he would not have so much time on his hands to put forth trite little displays of him forcing his opinions on others.

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I get confused. The law tells us that we are no longer 'responsible' after they are 18 years old. The young men want to be adults, but they act just like they did when they were smaller. In this economy, a lot of young adults still live at home. In my case, as a single parent, it's always been me and my kids. I look back on their lives, and I tell you, it really does seem like yesterday when they were little. The '80's weren't that long ago, and I still tell them how much I love them, and I kiss them on the cheek every chance I get. (And believe me, boys are quick to 'oh mom' you away from kissing their little faces) -- but still I manage. I've never let my son down, (behind the scenes)-- I talk to his lawyer regularly, and I was glad to understand what a misdemeanor is. I truly believed that my son would benefit from 'sitting' there, rather than me running to his every beck and call. As I do. This time, he was shocked and scared, and that's just what I wanted him to feel. In order for him to respect the law and not get in trouble again, he has got to know and learn the consequences. The hardest, hardest thing is to not go bail him out. But when I learned he had another court date just next week and he'll be released -- economically, it is best he sit there. He calls home daily, and I believe he will come out of this experience wiser and a better human being. We do our best to raise them right, and something like this is nothing we, as parents, expect. I did everything in my power to steer him right, keep him from people (so called friends) that I knew didn't mean him any good. It's as though kids have 'blinders' on. "Mom, I'm grown up, now -- please." These were the last words I heard from my son as he left our home two weeks ago. The next thing I hear is that he is in some jail. So you know what, I want him to feel the true weight of those words. Yes, I cry myself to sleep each night, when I CAN sleep, and mostly through the day. But I will not, I repeat, I will not run to him THIS time. Even though, 2 years ago, he promised he would never get in trouble again, I cannot allow him to destroy his future, and believe, "oh mom will come save me". Not this time. They have to know that this type of behavior is going to lead to worse things -- and maybe not. Maybe he will learn. But as a mother, tough love is the hardest. He's sitting there thinking I have stopped helping him, when all along, I have made sure with his attorney he will be getting out in a few days. He doesn't know it, though. The good thing is that he tells me he 'goes to church' in jail. Hopefully, this experience will be for the best. But the joy I will feel when I see him at my door is even harder to conceal -- I am certain I will just cry, even when I feel there couldn't possibly be any tears left.

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I wish I could stand by and support my youngest son. I am so proud of him. He was a promising engineering student and on his way to becoming a very productive member of society. He was honest, hard working, and kind. Late one night, last year, another young man decided to kill my son. This young man killed him because my son had the audacity to ask the young man if he had any manners because the young man was acting poorly and bullying others around. This young man was supported by his mother and family for years. He was given every excuse for his actions not ramifications. He was given every opportunity in the courts to correct his behavior. He never served any time in prison for his previous indiscretions. He is serving time now, thank God.
I do not feel one bit of sympathy for his mother.

The next time your son wants to be bailed out of jail, given money to support his habit, or given an excuse to act improperly, remember you are allowing him to exhilarate his propensity to take another life for his cause. Then remember all the mothers who have lost their sons to young men like your son.

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Good grief! After our chidren turn 18, they are no longer our responsibility. Any choices they make, no matter where it lands them are their choices and they need to face the music. There are two things that my father said to me when I got myself into trouble, one was "you made your bed, you lie in it" the other was "if you want to dance, you pay the piper". When we bail our kids out of their problems we are cosigning their stupidity, and making it ok do do it again.

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If my kid was in jail, I wouldn't be smiling, I don't care if you are a novelist and a well educated think for your self kind of person. You are not letting your kid think for himself because his actions have no consequences. So he is in jail... You come bail him out. You paid probably fifty thousand to send him to school and another twenty to get a lawyer and get him out. So, while the cause might be something to believe in, he needs a job to pay for the court costs that substantiate it. Otherwise, he is just another spoiled brat kid of the sixties that is repeating the pattern and ruining this country. If you truly believe in something then stay in jail and prove your point. IF Mommy and Daddy bail you out then you had no back bone to begin with.l This country needs the youth of America to grow a back bone.

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I empathize and sympathize with you, my Sister in Mothehood.

I have 3 "adult" offspring. I LOVE them always, but they are not always easy to like. (I'm sure they'd say the same of me.) We have to learn how to parent adults. No instruction manuals are issued. WE just have to pray and play it by ear.

My oldest son was a wonderful, respectful, beautiful child. He got all A's and B's in school. He was helpful and kind. My ex basically abandoned his family because he needed "variety" of vagina. I had to raise three children alone, while getting myself through college and working. It was hard on me of course, but it was more importantly a hardship on my children who faced a major disruption and in a way, a loss of both parenst due to the one remaining parent being stretched so thinly.

My good little boy has grown into a troublesome young man. There is no excuse for my son's bad behavior. I do not accept nor do I condone his getting arrested three times for basic stupidity and trying to prove that he is a "man".

You see, when a boy has only a mother as a role model, no matter how good an example she tries to provide, the boy still reaches a point when he begins to define "manhood" by everything his mother is not. In the face of fatherlessness, he oft times has nothing else to compare himself to as he struggles to find his Identity as a man.

When I first heard that my son was in jail I was TERRIFIED.

"My baby! My baby! I have to get my baby out of there."

I called and begged his father for the bail money. I rushed to court when he was to appear before the judge. I had to do a quick-study in dealing with the legal system on a level I was totally unfamiliar with. (The only time I'd been to court was to get my divorce.) I spoke with public defenders and officer's of the court. The fact that he had a parent present who vouched for the fact that he was really a "good guy" had a positive impact on the judge's decision to grant probation instead of jail time. I breathed a sigh of RELIEF!

Then he got arrested again...

Eventually his original 6 months probation grew into 24 months because he continued to violate probation.

Eventually I reached a point wherein my prayer to God was no longer, "Please let me get my baby out of there!" to "God, please keep him safe and let what needs to happen to wake this boy up...happen."

I had to give it to God.

I will always love my son. I will always help him if I can. If he makes decisions that negatively shape his life...It's his life. I can not live it for him any more than my mother could live mine for me when she warned me not to marry my ex when I was 20 years old and proudly stated, "I am tired of people telling me that my soon to be husband and I are just kids and we should not get married. We are GROWN....and we are getting married. If you don't like it you don't have to come!"

I then trotted down the isle in my white gown and made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

MY POOR MAMA!

She never lied...

May God, the Creator of the Universe Bless and Keep YOU & Your Son in ALL Ways & ALWAYS...

Let GO.

Let GOD.

(And remember to Hug Your Michael!)

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I agree with you.

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I dated a young man years ago whose parents felt he shouldn't sit in jail. They bailed him out about 10 times in 2 years that I knew of, paid for his lawyers, etc. He continued to commit the same crimes over and over because "his parents would take care of it." He was also very abusive. He ended up trying to kill me, and his parents paid $20,000 to get him off attempted murder charges. (Not an exaggeration) Last I spoke to him, he was 26 and living with his parents. After several years he e-mailed me and told me he wanted to see me. It is repulsive that this lunatic is still out on the streets bothering me, when the problem could have been solved quickly if his stupid mother had let him get locked up for life, or at least learn a lesson from one of the other crimes. I hope no other woman is stupid enough to go near him. Glad to be rid of that loser, I hope his mother is happy she raised an idiot like that. Maybe other people shouldn't baby their kids when they act like idiots either.

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It's so funny to read posts from people who don't have children. So easy for them to say how hard they would be IF they had them.-- Never helping their kids out if they got in trouble. Having no mercy. But they don't have kids, so they couldn't possibly understand. But hopefully one day, they will become parents -- then they will know. I stood in line listening to a woman brag and brag on how wonderful her child was. Then I saw him on the news -- he had robbed a bank. Chilling. But no one can say why a child from a good home chooses to do wrong -- even if it's not paying a speeding ticket. Wrong is wrong. And until they grow up to be the responsible adults they should be, they will continue to make excuses and refuse to really 'grow up'!

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My Dear Sister Erika...

God BLESS YOU.

And thank you.

It really helps us as parents of grown children to share our experiences. It comforts those who have gone through similar Life Experiences and it hopefully helps those who might go through it to perhaps avoid some things. Or at least not be blind sided by everything.

There is no job tougher than being a single parent. (Actually the term itself is an oxymoron usually caused by morons or death!)

May God continue to BLESS & KEEP you and your very precious children. Here's a little something dedicated to YOU & all Mothers out here just trying to do what is best...

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up...

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother......

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn’t know everything!

14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn’t have a clue.
.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

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Lot of people are in jail, lot of Americans. 2-3 million of them. It's big business. Many people are getting rich off of imprisonment. Felonies create a sub class of disenfranchised citizens that have less rights than an illegal immirgant. They are ostricized, they aren't allowed to work and are often end up back into prison when they revert to crime to thrive and survive.

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