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I'm Pregnant and I'm Afraid I Will be a Bad Mom
Filed under: Expert Advice: Pregnancy, Expert Advice: Just For You
Dear AdviceMama:
I found out I was pregnant on the day we returned home from our honeymoon. Talk about a surprise. You can read my whole rant on Lemondrop. Anyway, we had previously joked about how awesome it was that we were in the "double income, no kids" category and expected to stay that way for a couple of years. Now, I vacillate between being absolutely thrilled and freaking terrified. Every time I go shopping, I see kids misbehaving, which makes me dislike parents altogether. I'm left with a fear of becoming one of those lazy, shrieking mothers. How can I avoid this happening to me?
Signed,
Freaked-Out Prego
Dear F-O Prego:
Whoo hee, woman, rant away! As jarring as some of your words may appear to the faint of heart, I have to say that I admire your honesty. Better to reveal the reality of your ambivalence than to parade that belly with disingenuous pride. I fully subscribe to the notion that as difficult as it can be to face, "the truth shall set ye free."
Trust me, you are not the first mama-to-be who crumbled during a shopping expedition. Shopping is not for the weary or the weak; it's a hotbed of fatigue, distraction and over stimulation, bringing out the worst in parent and child alike.
But here's the good news: You get to be the kind of Mommy that you want to be. You get to answer your child's awkward questions with honesty and compassion. You get to be interested in your child's inane curiosities. You get to say, "Mommy's focusing on getting stuff for the house now, sweetheart. Play with this vibrator." That is, if you really want that massaging vibrator from the Lamaze checklist.
Stores sell a lot of things, but they don't sell parenting. The greatest thing about seeing moms do things you think are nuts -- whether it's telling a child that you don't know why the pregnant lady is "fat" or screaming "Shut up!" to a tired toddler -- is that you get to decide to do it differently.
The world is your classroom, m'lady. Take notes and design your very own mothering curriculum. The beauty of parenting is that there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. There's your way, consistent with your personality, your quirks and your values.
And here's a little secret: The more you allow yourself to be yourself as a parent, the less uptight you'll be as you move through your day (including your shopping forays.) This means your kids, who, by the way, pick up on mom's stress and tension with their phenomenal radar, will be like the hundreds of happy kids who don't say or do something rude on their shopping adventures.
Enjoy the ride, my friend. You're gonna have a whole lot of fun. Just fasten your seat belt!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
I found out I was pregnant on the day we returned home from our honeymoon. Talk about a surprise. You can read my whole rant on Lemondrop. Anyway, we had previously joked about how awesome it was that we were in the "double income, no kids" category and expected to stay that way for a couple of years. Now, I vacillate between being absolutely thrilled and freaking terrified. Every time I go shopping, I see kids misbehaving, which makes me dislike parents altogether. I'm left with a fear of becoming one of those lazy, shrieking mothers. How can I avoid this happening to me?
Signed,
Freaked-Out Prego
Dear F-O Prego:
Whoo hee, woman, rant away! As jarring as some of your words may appear to the faint of heart, I have to say that I admire your honesty. Better to reveal the reality of your ambivalence than to parade that belly with disingenuous pride. I fully subscribe to the notion that as difficult as it can be to face, "the truth shall set ye free."
Trust me, you are not the first mama-to-be who crumbled during a shopping expedition. Shopping is not for the weary or the weak; it's a hotbed of fatigue, distraction and over stimulation, bringing out the worst in parent and child alike.
But here's the good news: You get to be the kind of Mommy that you want to be. You get to answer your child's awkward questions with honesty and compassion. You get to be interested in your child's inane curiosities. You get to say, "Mommy's focusing on getting stuff for the house now, sweetheart. Play with this vibrator." That is, if you really want that massaging vibrator from the Lamaze checklist.
Stores sell a lot of things, but they don't sell parenting. The greatest thing about seeing moms do things you think are nuts -- whether it's telling a child that you don't know why the pregnant lady is "fat" or screaming "Shut up!" to a tired toddler -- is that you get to decide to do it differently.
The world is your classroom, m'lady. Take notes and design your very own mothering curriculum. The beauty of parenting is that there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. There's your way, consistent with your personality, your quirks and your values.
And here's a little secret: The more you allow yourself to be yourself as a parent, the less uptight you'll be as you move through your day (including your shopping forays.) This means your kids, who, by the way, pick up on mom's stress and tension with their phenomenal radar, will be like the hundreds of happy kids who don't say or do something rude on their shopping adventures.
Enjoy the ride, my friend. You're gonna have a whole lot of fun. Just fasten your seat belt!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
3-29-2010 @ 12:15PM
Roxanne said...Dear Freaked Out Prego...
I'm not a Dr., however, I love Susans comments to you. I became a first time single mom when I was 46. I grew up in a single parent home, raised by my mother. My father passed when she was only 32. I'm sure it was stressful, she was angry and not very affectionate. Like you, I used to see parents yelling and screaming at their kids ( I was one of those kids) and think, what is that solving. Becoming a parent is the scariest and most amazing experience you will ever have. Enjoy it, shower your child with kindness, love, patience and encouragement, Cherish every moment. Always remember that they are who they are, you can't change it and you have to let them know from the very beginning that they are cherished and valued, you need to start that habit early in life. THIS is a chance to create and nurture a loving, kind caring to be enjoyed by the world. ENJOY the experience.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 10:03AM
Natosha said...These fears are normal. After wanting and trying for a baby for over 8 years, when I found out I was finally preggers, I thought the same things. I cried for days from the fear. I had horrible thoughts of what if im a bad mother, what if im one of those moms who loses it and drowns her kids..horrible thought I know. but I went to see someone about them, and I was reasurred that they are completely normal. I have two children now and completely happy. yes I get overwelmed, and I have at times becomes those cryin fussing mothers in the store, and honey so will you! try talking to or try calming down an upset or angry 2 year old. you wont, you have to let it run its course, and try not to go insane in the process. congrats on your pregnancy!
3-29-2010 @ 9:12PM
bremarie03 said...If motherhood turns you into anything, I hope it's someone less judgmental.
"...those lazy, shrieking mothers", indeed.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 6:56AM
jam77x1 said...Look, none of knows what we're going to do with a screaming bundle of joy until we actually have one! BUT I can honestly say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me! I have 4 daughters; 3 are grown and one is almost 13. When people tell you to count your blessings, I have 4 of my own and a lot of others! You will be the mother that your child needs you to be. Have faith in your love and strength.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 11:08AM
tara said...thats nasty a vibrator who in the heck pulls out a vibrator in public or even talks aboout one in forums. you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you cant take the trailer park outof the girl.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 11:59AM
Irene said...the "nasty vibrator" that you refer to is one that you receive at lamaze classes for massaging the back during labor, etc. If you read the response correctly you would have picked that up and not immediately assumed nasty things. Now I believe it's back at you with "whose mind is in the gutter and the wrong place or should I say in the trailer park"! LOL
3-30-2010 @ 8:48AM
SJA said...If you think you will be a crappy parent, you probably should have kept your legs closed.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 10:00AM
Andie said...Pfft. Right. Because EVERYONE who has sex wants to have a child right? Please.
3-30-2010 @ 10:51AM
colleen said...Really? You think that is the answer? To 'keep her legs closed' while on her honeymoon? Birth control maybe....
3-30-2010 @ 11:31AM
rita said...This woman is feeling what alot of women want to say but fear being judged by other. I have 2 children of my own. I hated being pregnant. I wasn't one of those women who played with their belly or read to it. I had children because I have a graet partner that loves and adore children. So to those women who thinks having children is so wonderful, that's great, but please don't look down on those who are having a difficult time with it. We were not all meant to be parents. Sometimes accidents happen and since I don't believe in abortion, it would not be an option.
3-30-2010 @ 9:26AM
WeldGirl said...Be glad that you have the *choice* to raise your child how you wish! Children are vessels that have the potential to be filled with anything; they can be filled with love, or hate, or kindness, or prejudice. What you fill them with is up to you. And it's your responsibility to fill them with good things, if you don't want to be a "lazy, screaming mother".
I'm the stepmother of 2 boys (11 and 6), and the mother has primary custody. The mother's family are a bunch of degenerates (abusive mother, druggie brother and sister, spineless father, and she's the worst of all, which is why she's the "ex" wife) My husband and I are in constant struggle to raise these children with kindness and decency and our work is undermined at every turn.
Believe me honey, it could be worse. You have a choice!
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 9:34AM
shykiss3 said...I am 32 yrs old, married and I have one child, a daughter. I was terrified when I got pregnant. I was like her I would see these women with their kids and the kids running all over the place and the parents yelling and the kids crying, I was like oh no! I don't want to have any kids. Than when I got pregnant at 27yrs old my pregnancy was horrible..From the sickness to the doubts than the fears but in the end it turned out okay.When a person doesn't have any kids and they are looking from the outside in they think its too much and they think they can't handle it but they really can. Yes being a parent is like a roller coaster ride but it is a beautiful thing. That's life we go through things and we take it day by day. We will always have our good and bad days but life isn't meant to be easy or perfect and you just have stay strong and face the obstacles that come your way, including the smelly diapers. :0) PEACE!!!
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3-30-2010 @ 9:48AM
Michelle said...Get a copy of Parenting from the Inside Out, by Mary Hartzell and Dr. Dan Siegel, book or audio, and you will find yourself easing into an authentic way of parenting that will help you and your child. You will mature into the role and it will be difficult like all of life's best experiences. Enjoy the ride!
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 9:59AM
Emma said...When I was pregnant I, too, would stare on in horror watching some mother scream at their kids or flat-out ignore a wailing child in favor of picking out a new shirt. After a while, I realized I could learn from these women. I could learn how not to be a horrible, dead-inside person, much less mother. You'll eventually realize that you will stop seeing all of the moms as regretting (maybe not all the time, but possibly in the little instant that you see them) having their children, and you'll start to see the women that rejoice every day that they have their little ones.
I try my damndest when I'm out with my little guy to stay calm, especially when he gets upset and so far I've been lucky enough that he hasn't thrown a major tantrum in public (knock on wood).
Also, keep in mind that sometimes, those poor moms that we can't believe would talk to their babies this way could've just had the worst fight with their family, could've just gotten horrible news and sometimes the kids just decide that today is the day they do not want to go out.
Good Luck. I think that because you are embracing these fears and are completely aware of them, you'll be a great mom. You seem wholely aware of yourself, and that's a fantastic trait to pass on to your children.
Reply
4-04-2010 @ 11:22AM
Karen said...I usually find that parents who discipline the loudest and longest in public have the worst behaved kids. In other words parents who make a big show of discipline. My sons is eight and very well behaved at home and in public. I do not discipline him per se but have raised him with love and compassion and a sense that he is not the only important person in the world.
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3-30-2010 @ 11:01AM
Anna Miller said...Your fears are mirrored by so many, including myself. My child is 14 months old and since the day I found out I was pregnant (yes it was planned, but until that stick turns pink the reality of what is ahead doesn't really set in) I have struggled with conflicting worry and joy over what kind of mother I will be, and just how bad I am going to screw her up. Having the courage to express these doubts you have has given many the opportunity to realize that they are not alone and they may not be as unprepared as they feel. Thank you also, to all the positive and encouraging comments posted. Support, even from strangers, can help so much. And to all the "haters": Did your mother raise you to be this derogatory and lacking in compassion?
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3-30-2010 @ 10:58AM
Krystal Flash said...You could have prevented the entire situation for $1, and now you whine because you got knocked up, and have after thoughts. This what you get when you take seriously what's poked at you in fun.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 11:30AM
rita said...People can be so judgmental.
Reply
3-30-2010 @ 12:37PM
Krystal Flash said...Yes they are, and so are you by your comment in mentioning it. To avoid critism, say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.
3-30-2010 @ 11:31AM
deedee said...When I was pregnant with my first that was the last thing on my mind.The first thing you should really care about is the safety of your child. Everything else will come natrually.I had my kids in the eightys, but the only thing that has changed since then is parents are more self indullgent now.
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