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Opinion: Be it Bullies or Sandra Bullock, the Victim Is Not to Blame
Filed under: Opinions, New In Pop Culture
Jesse James and Sandra Bullock in happier times. Credit: Rich Schmitt, AFP / Getty Images
Two recent news stories offer a lesson in playing the blame game: Whether the story is about bullies or Sandra Bullock, don't put the fault on the victim.
With the tragic suicide of teenager Phoebe Prince, there is plenty of blame to go around -- the students for their behavior, South Hadley High School officials for ignoring it. Nine of Prince's classmates have pleaded not guilty to various offenses related to her death. Angeles Chanon, the mother of one of the accused, took things a step further when she told the Boston Herald that "Phoebe was calling (my daughter) names," adding, "They're teenagers. They call names."
Chanon's implication is that somehow Prince, the girl who killed herself, was also at fault. That's a terrible thing to say, even if one acknowledges that Chanon is a mother defending her child. She is entitled to her opinion, of course, but she should at least have avoided talking to the media out of respect for Prince's parents.
The Sandra Bullock and Jesse James story should be easier to digest. James allegedly cheated on his wife multiple times. Even if we make the unfounded assumption that Bullock was partially at fault for their marriage being in trouble, James had to make the decision to cheat on her. Game, set and match.
But in a New York Times op-ed piece, columnist David Brooks actually seems to blame Bullock for her marital woes. Brooks says Bullock is just another woman trying too hard to "have it all," according to ParentDish sister site Lemondrop. And after the James Nazi salute photo came to light, some writers questioned whether or not Bullock knew about her husband's interest in Hitler, as if that would excuse James' inability to keep it in his pants.
How someone can look at either of these stories and come to the conclusion that the wronged party is responsible is beyond me. In the more serious of these two tales, Prince was bullied, which led to her suicide. Saying that other kids get teased and don't kill themselves is irrelevant, as is whether or not she teased her tormentors. Facts are facts. No one disputes the fact that Prince was the target of abuse by her classmates, nor that her death was a suicide. Suicide victims deserve sympathy, not scorn. And they certainly should not be blamed for the actions of others.
As for James, anyone who seeks to blame his Oscar-winning wife for the couple's marital woes (full disclosure: I'm enough of a Bullock fan that I even paid to see "The Net") should read these words from the motorcycle man's own apology: "There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me." At least James seems to know what columnist Brooks does not -- that it doesn't matter how successful his wife is, or even if she whacked him with a golf club. He is responsible for his own behavior.
None of us know the inner workings of Bullock's marriage. Nor were most of us privy to exactly what went on at South Hadley High School. But I think it is fair to say the first place to find fault is with the perpetrators, not the victims. So let's not play the blame game. Instead, how about a nice game of cards?
Related: Bullying Expert: Mass. School Didn't Use Advice
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-09-2010 @ 5:22PM
ric said...suicide is never accidental. its just the way a person takes him or her self out when he or she feels like they cant stop themselves from wronging another. its not a rational decision, suicide is not a rational act, probably more of a criminal/selfish act if anything, as it hurts more than it helps. the family of the suicide is the one hurt most but they were put into that position by not working with and teaching the child how to over come her problems and issues. communication went out. mental pain and physical pain are awareness characteristics, and result from wrong decisions both overt and passive. you simply did something wrong, so it hurts. learn and dont repeat. giving sympathy just allows a greater chance for pain to repeat, like an excuse to live by. sympathy never aids the victim/survivor long term.
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4-11-2010 @ 7:45AM
Been There said...Please do not call suicide a selfish and criminal act. I know you must mean well but you are talking about the family dealing with the aftermath and that is just hurtful.
I have been through this. My father took his own life and another family member attempted it. I think for Pheobe, yes..there was a way out of her pain -- getting help, leaving school for another..whatever the case may be. What people DON'T see (instead of saying "selfish" and "criminal"), is that there is a mental cause for suicide. Families tend to make suicide about them instead of the person who had attempted it or sadly..succeeded. Do you honestly think someone in a "good place" mentally and physically would say "Hey, I'm going to kill myself"? So to call it selfish and criminal is just not right. It is sad and so incredibly painful for the individual.
This poor girl reached her mental breaking point and snapped. Depression is a horrific thing and like a disease, can consume you. I wish this child had gotten the help she needed.
In the case of my father -- he knew he was dying. It WAS a rational decision (believe it or not) to take his own life. He suffered for 3 years knowing his outcome. I do not condone suicide at ALL. I just wish people had compassion for those who do suffer and understand that ALL humans have a breaking point. Poor Phoebe became a classic statistic of a girl who was supposed to manage herself TO a bully, instead of someone managing THE bully.
4-12-2010 @ 4:14PM
Mady said...What a stupid opinion! The child was only 13. She was not the one wronging the others. You must be one of the parents to have such twisted thinking. Part of that might be true for an adult, but mostly, she was new and needed someone to help. Society let her down!
4-12-2010 @ 9:54AM
Tara said...I can agree that a victim should not be usually be blamed for the outcome or the 'abuse' that they endure. However, the victim is often at fault in other areas (and sometimes leading up to the alleged abuse), as no one is perfect. Sometimes others, in their attempts to show both sides of a story, make it sound like they blame a victim for the outcome - when they are simply attempting to tell the whole story. I don't believe that bringing all facts to the table when blame is at stake goes against democracy or morality. The situations which we look for blame in may be more or less heart-wrenching - but that should not hinder us from discussing the finer details. Were these stories about less emotional topics, no one would have questioned whether or not we could discuss all the facts leading up to and including the creation of a victim and who's to blame for exactly what.
As far as these two stories go - they are completely different. While Ms Bullock may be partially to blame for her marriage falling apart, she is not responsible for her husbands actions. While suicide is very difficult and heat-wrenching, others cannot be held responsible for Phoebe's own actions - only for their own. This is a perfect example of how emotion and touchy subjects can blur reason. I don't believe any blame should be placed on these ladies for the suffering they may have endured... but to suggest that all people should hold them infallible for the duration of any discussions in their names is ludicrous.
4-09-2010 @ 5:29PM
auto117584 said...Everyone plays a part in this affair, even the girl and her mother. Since the mom did not intervene to finally stop this bullying, that means she allowed it. To say she complained is not enough. If the complaining didn't work, then it's up to mom to figure out how to make the bullies change their minds about picking on her girl. Mom is the ultimate, end of the line, the buck stops here, responsible person for Phoebe. Unfortunately, she did not grab the bull by the horns and help her daughter to confront these bullies in a way that would make them change their minds about bullying her. Without this confrontation of the bullies by Phoebe, there's no way it would stop.
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4-09-2010 @ 9:56PM
CLM said...Wow, commenters 1, 2 and 3 completely did NOT get the point of this article. Well, I can't be sure about commenter 1, as his(?) remarks were completely incomprehensible.
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4-10-2010 @ 9:18AM
LS8 said...I think this was a good article, even though some may say that these incidents are completely different. They are, but I believe what the writer is trying to say is simply "stop the blame game"! It is so sad that Phoebe was in so much pain that she ended her life. The people who bullied her relentlessly are being asked hard questions now about how they treated her, and they want to back peddle and try to blame the victim. How sad! Some of the charges that are being filed against these kids are way beyond just "kids being kids"!
As for Sandra Bullock's situation, this was not her fault at all. No one has a perfect marriage, but to try to spin this story like she is to blame for the reason her husband slept with those skanky women is unfair. The bottom line is that she had a selfish, self centered, self absorbed jerk of a husband who could not keep it in his pants. He made that choice, and now I hope she makes a choice to kick him to the curb.
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4-11-2010 @ 8:34PM
nana2 said...As a Mother of 4 children I knew at some point in their life they would encounter bullies. So I made sure each of my children knew if someone was bothering/bullying them and I don't care how old they were, I would BEAT ANYONE WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIFE if they so much put a hand on them. I feel if they know this and can come to you for ANY reason they have more coping skills and will hopefully not even think of suicide as a way out.
On the other hand I also told them I would BEAT THEM if I ever found out they were bullying and insisted they stand up for anyone they may see being bullied even if it meant suspension etc. My prayers are with you Phoebe and your family. My we as parents listen and teach our children they never have to put up with this because we are there for them.
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7-21-2010 @ 11:00PM
angie said...I actually live the next town over from South Hadley, Massachusetts, which is Holyoke. So I have really felt for this girl and heard both sides to this terrible tragedy. It is awful that these events have even took place. I had a step mother take her own life 3 years ago and I know the hurt and pain the whole family and community go through. So my opinon is no one is to blame, it evens out. My family and I tried everything for my step-mother. We sat up on the phone till 1 am trying to get her help. What I believe is if someone really feels that bad about themselves and they are truly suffering everyday, no matter how much someone tries to help, or hurt, they are going to do what they feel would save them from this awful mind state they are in. I do not feel that the bullies are completely to blame, and neither Phoebe.
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7-22-2010 @ 12:24AM
ProN00b said...Sorry, but suicide "victims" do not earn my sympathy. There is a reason it is a sin in religion and a crime. It is a selfish thing to try to end your suffering at the expense of all who care about you. The real victim's are the family. I could never forgive someone who did that to me.
While the media goes crazy for this "victim". Real victims of murder, starvation, and other horrors that few of us can imagine occur in other countries. But do we care? No. But a girl killing herself because life is hard is a sign that society is failing?
Oh I can't understand? Most people I know have been through equal or worse. But the don't abandon their loved ones because life is hard.
But you know what? Just shrug me off as cruel because I have a different opinion. Or that I just don't understand.
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7-22-2010 @ 2:43AM
Lee said...For the person who believes that a 13 year-old girl with low self esteem living in an unfamiliar community was just being selfish to kill herself, do you remember being 13? Were you capable of being responsible for yourself in the way you expected this poor kid to be? If you had high self esteem and a strong support system, that's great for you but most teens don't have such a luxury. Can you imagine the pain she felt to actually go through with this, or are you above it all? She must have felt completely hopeless and powerless, with apparently no one who really understood what she was going through. What a tragedy that no one stepped in to stop the bullying and reach out to her in time. Of course the bullies are not 100% responsible for her actions, but they obviously made things worse for someone who needed kindness, not cruelty, unless you think they have no responsibility for their actions and are within their rights to bully. Unless these kids and their families are feeling pretty horrible about what happened and their part in it (which they probably do feel,) they need a wake up call. Or is this girl responsible for their behavior as well as her own?
Yes you have a right to have a different opinion as I do. I'm certainly not shrugging you off. But maybe you should try feeling what others may be feeling, including the bullies, before you form such a quick and judgmental opinion. Sympathy is not called for here but empathy is---an act of the heart, not the head.
Forgive my anger. Of course this is personal. I was a victim of bullies too as a teenager and also felt powerless because they ignored my requests to stop, ganged up on me making it impossible to defend myself, and hated me for going for help. My parents did everything they could to stop them, including contacting their parents who told them to mind their own business. The school did absolutely nothing. Fortunately, I had enough strength in myself to endure this until I graduated from high school, but I understand perfectly how a teen or an adult for that matter might give up. Someone in that much despair needs empathy and validation for what they are going through, not judgment or more cruelty. The school is as much to blame as anyone because they are in a position to model for the students by having zero tolerance for bullying and reaching out to kids like this one. Forgive me for being a bleeding heart.
7-22-2010 @ 12:35AM
Lucy said...This was a good article. There is so much unnessary cruelty in this world. Children need to understand that bullying will not be tolerated and adults need to be in charge of the home and the schools. It is hard but it must be done. If compassion (or at very least, good manners) are taught early, the world would be a better place.
As for Jesse, he is pathetic. I actually feel sorry for him...look what he lost by being a stupid, vain, self-centered jerk!
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7-22-2010 @ 1:54AM
mandy said...Death is one way or the other is always a rude awakening to our mortality. What makes the act of suicide different is that it is preventable. The victims are the family who try to figure what went wrong and live with a guilty conscience throughtout their lives--it is a heavy cross to bear.To blame bullying as a cause of suicide in Phoebes case is really not relevant. The girl was on antidepressants and some antidepressants have side effects and give feelings of suicide. Some narcotics also give the patients suicidal ideation.I have been in the health care industry for 24 yrs and have seen many scenarios where patients react to a drug.Phoebe already had attempted suicide before and failed, she was moved to another school because of bullying. Phoebes coping mechanism was delicate --she could not cope with the real world.No action would have been right or could have prevented her suicide.
I am not condoning bullying .Bullying is a widespread evil-- you find it everywhere--from in the family, to schools to workplace situations. When we stand up to bullying-- the bully stops.educating childrens on their rights may help.
Parents play an important role in making sound decisions for their children. and teaching their children how to face challenges. I never allowed my sons to go on field trips unless either one of us were in attendance---a child died drowing , an only child.When someone bullied my son because he was overweight-- I enrolled him in karate and excercised with him till he lost the weight . When he wanted to start working after he graduated from high school-- I encouraged him to go to college.
To every parent who lost a child to suicide-- I want to say that you are not to blame. You could not have done anything different.
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7-22-2010 @ 3:20AM
Lee said...Sorry, but I have also been in the mental health field for more than 20 years and I can't agree that there's nothing a parent or others can do to prevent a tragic suicide like this one. This is not about blame. It's about paying attention and taking someone's feelings very seriously. It's so sad that people, especially people in the field, use mental health diagnoses like Depression as an excuse for why someone is beyond help. How many times have I heard a colleague say "she's a borderline, so nothing you do is going to matter." Or someone is deeply depressed and "can't cope with the real world," so it's her problem, not ours'. Or the meds made her do it. What about the sad fact that all human beings need empathy and understanding, but in the real world, who cares! If the real world is so cold that someone who is that sensitive can't be helped, maybe the real world needs to be changed. Who will change it if not us?
I don't believe that people have emotional problems because they have contracted a mental illness, and therefore can't be healed through love and understanding. All human beings need to be heard and understood from the inside out, and few of us have had enough of this. I believe this poor girl could have been saved by being heard from the inside. However, parents may be the last people on earth who can do this for their own child because of their personal history with each other. That's why some of us are paid to reach out to people in need. The failure is with the system---the mental health system for giving up on folks if meds don't do the trick, and the schools for not accepting responsibility to protect and care for all their students, including the bullies. I believe there is no one, most certainly not a 13 year old, who can't be helped by others who are willing to be fully present, nonjudgmental, and empathic. But that's just me.
7-22-2010 @ 5:36PM
sunnyhoney1927 said...I just want to say to you Lee I am sorry for what you went through and you are one of the few on here that have a heart I agree with you 100% on both of your posting I suffer from depression and your so right about the mental health the place I was going to the first time I started going there they just gave me pills I refer to them at that place as pill pushers and then I went to another dr he gave me pills and when I went to get it filled my insurance did cover it my drugstore called the dr office and told them that he would have to give me something else and then I called the drugstore back aabout 2 weeks later when I didn't hear anything and they told me he had not returned there call so I called his office and he never did call anything in and I never went back to him see alot of times there deeper rooted problems that some people don't know so they would never understand I can understand her pain she had to leave her father and it is hard enough to start at a new school at her age without the bullys been there done that my heart goes out to her family I would just like to say this walk a mile in her shoes all you people who think that suicide is a crime amd selfish she was a child the world does need to change people need to be nicer to each other and think before they talk I for one am going to start today well I hope everyone has a nice day
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7-26-2010 @ 12:07PM
drew said...Here's some irony: Brett, the author of this article, was a horrific teenage bully himself, emotionally torturing one girl to the point of her needing Valium to manage the panic attacks he caused. Had she not hung on by a thread (and it was only a thread), someone would have been writing this article about him.
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5-06-2011 @ 12:35AM
margo said...I think defense attorneys, when their client has made the deal of a lifetime, need to do a few things . Please Shut up and say thank you and be a little more humble and tell your clients and their families that they should say they have no comment to reporters. It is disrespectful to phoebe and the family. A little class, please.
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