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How Do You Help a Friend After a Miscarriage?
Filed under: Infertility, Expert Advice: Pregnancy, Expert Advice: Just For You
Dear AdviceMama,
A couple close to our family was thrilled to find out they were finally pregnant. We just found out that the mother had a miscarriage.
What should we do or say? Is it better to avoid the subject altogether, out of respect for their feelings? My husband and I feel it would be very awkward to bring it up.
Signed,
Wondering Friend
Dear Wondering,
Pregnancy loss has a significant impact on couples and families. Of course we know this, in the same way that we know that any stressful situation challenges the stability of a marriage.
But a recent study in Pediatrics elaborates on the considerable strain that a miscarriage can create in a marriage. According to the study, couples who had a miscarriage were 22 percent more likely to separate or divorce.
Of equal significance, while most couples broke up within a year and a half to three years after losing a baby, the increased risk of divorce could still be seen up to 10 years after the event, especially in couples who had experienced stillbirth.
Dr. Katherine Gold, lead author of the study, points out that the results aren't meant to suggest that pregnancy loss causes relationships to dissolve. "Most couples do very well and often become closer after loss," she has stated.
But the study does underscore the importance of grieving the loss fully, with the loving support of family and friends. As your question suggests, family and friends often don't know how to help when a loved one has lost a baby. If you aren't close to the couple, you can simply say, "I'm so sorry for your loss; can I send over a meal or do an errand for you tomorrow?"
Rather than asking, "What can I do," make a specific offer. Don't avoid the subject, but if they clearly send cues that they don't want to discuss it, respect their boundaries and timing. If you are close friends or family, the greatest show of support you can provide is to allow the mother -- and father -- the freedom to lean on you as they cry, rage or sit at the window, motionless with their sorrow.
The strain on marriage results when feelings are shoved underground, often because the loss isn't considered a "true" death since the child never existed in the outside world. But to the mother and father, their baby was very much alive, and represented an entire life story that has abruptly come to an end.
The couple may attempt to sweep their feelings under the rug, carrying on in the world stoically and creating the potential for the marriage to slowly come apart at the seams.
Grief is a powerful force; when it is denied or ignored, it can eat away at a marriage, allowing anger, blame and disconnection to take over. This is where your kind presence becomes so helpful. Be someone safe enough to witness their sadness, or sit with them while they fall apart. Comfort them, and let them know you can handle not only their joy but also their sorrow.
Don't say things like, "It's nature's way," or "You can always try again." The baby was real to its mother (and father), and to fully heal, one must fully feel the range of feelings that accompany this deep loss. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to bury one. Offering your strength, courage and loving presence to friends in need is the greatest gift you can give, and will go a long way toward helping this couple survive their loss intact.
Yours in parenting support
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
4-15-2010 @ 12:02PM
Kelly said...I have had 2 painful miscarriages and the best thing to say is "I am sorry for your loss." Never make excuses like "You wouldn't want to have a baby with problems" or "He was probably sick and it was Gods way of dealing with it" or anything like that. It is so difficult to get over the loss, but just knowing that someone is there to listen if you need them is a big relief. My hubby and I are closer through our losses and are stronger for it, but I can see where some couples would not make it. I pulled away from everyone for a while, until I knew how to say what was inside of me, but my husband was there to just hold me when I cried and that helped a lot! Whether you hold the baby in your arms or never make it that far, the loss of a child is heart wrenching!
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4-15-2010 @ 2:56PM
Tom Kelly said...Dear Kelly. First, I am very sorry for your losses. Thirty years ago, we lost a little girl, and could not have any more. All these years later, we sometimes wonder what our little Cindy would be like today. We don't obsess about it (thank God) but...we've never forgotten the little girl who was not to be. My you be at peace in your own way. I am so glad you had such a good husband to lean on (as I'm sure he leaned on you).
4-15-2010 @ 1:12PM
Milli said...I also had two miscarriages. I have a daughter now, but I remember so clearly the raw, devastating sorrow of the miscarriages. Yes, definitely acknowledge it. As Kelly says, say you're sorry for their loss. If you've had a miscarriage yourself, share your experience. Sometimes it helps to know that others understand how you feel. DO NOT say "you can try again", "there must have been something wrong" or anything like that. An individual life, the parents' child, was lost. And remember that the father may feel as devastated as the mother.
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4-15-2010 @ 2:28PM
Bait said...Agreed! Please do not say "You can always have another baby." One child does not replace another!! Please don't say "You are better off and so is the baby because something must have been wrong." Even if this is true, it brings no comfort. In fact, this statement added to my heartbreak.
Finally, when the mother is depressed, do not blame it all on hormones. This is a true death, a true loss to the parents. Mom certainly felt the changes in her body and now those changes have disappeared. The baby is gone and will not be back. I did not realize the extent of this type of loss until I had a miscarriage. I wonder how many times I said the same stupid things out of my own ignorance.
4-15-2010 @ 3:36PM
NB2010 said...I just lost a baby boy last months at 18 weeks gestation. I want to say that it help so much to talk about it. Definately acknowledge what happened, do not ignore it. ( I believe that makes it more awkward) Offer any help that you can, and ask how she is feeling when you talk to her. She will have good days and bad, let her know it is normal to feel like busting out in anger one minute,and crying her eyes out the next.
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4-15-2010 @ 2:26PM
Kathy said...I agree the worst thing that people said to me was "you can try again" and " the baby wasn't normal and that's why you lost it"
After 4 miscarriages I heard all the worst possible comments. To this day, 24 years later, I still mourn the losses as a death. With each one, I saw the heartbeat during the ultrasounds and the tiny images of the first months. It was a life not "conceptual matter" as one doctor put it.
When someone you knows has a miscarriage, acknowledge it and be understanding.
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11-26-2010 @ 12:02AM
TammyG said...I have had 4 miscarriages, with 3 live births that followed. The second one died at 8 months gestation because her placenta did not grow as it should have and it killed her. The worst thing that someone who was supposed to be one of my best friends said to me was, "Oh well, you couldn't afford it anyways". I was absolutely floored at her insensitivity. She also had no room to talk as her husband was serving in the army at the time and their finances were so strained that she told me about how she was constantly having to hock her wedding ring and then buy it back. I had the first three miscarriages, then my son, who is now 24, then one after him that had no brain and nothing about this baby was developing properly. These losses happened over 20 years ago, but the pain and feeling of loss is still there. The best thing that can be said or done is to just listen to the grieving parents and to let them know that they are not alone and to be sensitive to their needs, such as possibly cleaning their house and/or taking one or both of them out somewhere. One might also offer them information on grief support groups for people that have lost babies due to miscarriage and other complications. It helps to talk to people that have 'been there, done that".
4-15-2010 @ 2:37PM
Kimberly said...When I lost my baby, it was devastating. I had 2 other children through normal pregnancies at the time and so a miscarriage was very unexpected. I remember how difficult it was to have people say "Oh well, it was meant to be, or Well there was probably something wrong with it or the baby is better off in heaven anyways". I knew all those things were true, but I wanted my baby to be with ME and it was difficult to have people say things like that. It felt like they were taking away my right to grieve. I think it is so important when someone has a miscarriage to acknowledge their LOSS , that they had a child . I felt that my baby was my child as much as my other 2 were and just because it didn't make it all the way thru the pregnancy process and into my arms, didn't make it any less of my child than my other 2. I ached to hold that baby. I had told the grievance counselor that I guess I shouldn't be grieving so much since I hadn't lost the baby at full term and she said, that my loss was just as devastating and not any lessof a loss than a full term baby loss, just different and that I had lost a child and had the right to grieve like any other mother losing a child. That really helped me! The other 2 comments made regarding this offer great advice and if I had people surround me at the time of my miscarriage with that kindof sensitivity, it would have made a world of difference.
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4-15-2010 @ 2:39PM
wboozer said...Several years ago a business competitor suffered a miscarriage. I sent her flowers and a note saying, "I'm so very sorry." Five years afterward she called me to thank me for being so sensitive. That phone call remains one of the highest points in my life.
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4-15-2010 @ 2:43PM
KImberly said...Thanks milli, bait and kathy for your sensitive comments.
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4-15-2010 @ 3:03PM
Lynne said...After 5 miscarriages and an ectopic rupture the doctor told me to come back when I had good insurance to try invitro. my husband accused me of murdering HIS children. My sister shipped me a cedar chest full of baby things that I donated to a police officer to give to moms here who needed something to keep their babies warm. They doctor, husband and sister are out of my life ! I do not need that or them in my life. I needed a friend and a hug and got the opposite so now I have new friends who care about people.
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4-20-2010 @ 7:11PM
Chris said...Hi Lynne
I am so sorry for all of your losses. I am also sorry you had to deal with such insensitive people during your hard times. I am glad you have better people in your life now..you deserve it!
4-15-2010 @ 3:17PM
Barbara Loden said...I lost my baby in the commode. My mother retreived it, put it in a jar and took me to the ER. She washed dishes as I moaned in pain for hours before losing the baby. The DR. cut it in half to check it and then said he would send it for testing. He said it was a girl but did not want me to have to go throuhg a burial.
I was 16. I was married. My husband was in the Navy.
NOONE said a word after we left the hospital.
That is how I had to deal with it. I hope most women now have people who love them enough to comfort them. At least my mother took me to the hospital. I am grateful for that.
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4-15-2010 @ 3:20PM
Barbara Loden said...I lost my baby in the commode. My mother retreived it, put it in a jar and took me to the ER. She washed dishes as I moaned in pain for hours before losing the baby. The DR. cut it in half to check it and then said he would send it for testing. He said it was a girl but did not want me to have to go throuhg a burial.
I was 16. I was married. My husband was in the Navy.
NOONE said a word after we left the hospital.
That is how I had to deal with it. I hope most women now have people who love them enough to comfort them. At least my mother took me to the hospital. I am grateful for that.
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4-15-2010 @ 3:49PM
SANDR said...I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that happened to you.
12-19-2012 @ 10:19PM
Patti said...The couple will never forget the loss of this pregnancy. If you attempt to ignore it and move on as if nothing happned, it would be insensitive. If you can't find the words, in person, the best approach is to write a note expressing your empathy and saying you're sorry for their loss.
I do find it interesting the person who posed the question used the language, "the couple were thrilled THEY were pregnant", then went on to say, "the MOTHER had a miscarriage". There are various ways a person can read into this.
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4-15-2010 @ 4:35PM
Lilly said...I suffered an ectopic pregnancy Feb '09 and a miscarriage in Dec '09. Family and friends tried to be supportive as much as they knew how; but, they all said the same things I'm reading here such as "it was meant to be..."; "it's natures' way...", "you can keep trying...". I know they had our best interest and their best intentions at hand but those words stung and hit a nerve. I felt they were making our loss trivial. It was frustrating hearing the same thing over and over again. My husband took this easier than I did. I just felt like yelling and saying "STOP" but I felt I had to put on a brave face and persona. It's been a long road to getting pregnant and it was harder to get through our losses. I believe the best thing that can be said is "I'm sorry for your loss...". I just don't think others can really sympathize unless they've been through it. It's comforting to know from this blog that I'm not alone in being offended by those comments. We're still trying to have a baby and I know God will make it happen one day.
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4-16-2010 @ 6:29PM
Lynn said...first of all, let me say that i am so sorry for your loss. my mother had a miscarrage when i was about 3 years old, and i dont remember what happened, but every time she tells me about it, she cries. she says that it is one of the hardest things she has ever gone through. i can only imagine what it is like. once again, i am so sorry for you.
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4-15-2010 @ 5:13PM
jenny said...Well I am going to disagree a bit here...and please know that I am speaking ONLY for myself. Every person and situation is different, which is why I felt the need to post. After my first miscarriage, (had 4) some people did make comments about it being God's way, or there was a medical problem with the baby. I saw these comments for what they were,...an attempt to make me feel better, an act of love, someone saying something even though they didn't know what to say. Believe it or not, it helped. When someone said "I'm sorry for your loss", or something like that, it actually made me cry harder and I felt even sadder, altho I know they, too were being kind. Perhaps I just needed some kind of explanation as to why. I don't know. It's not something you ever forget and there is always the wondering about what they would be like today.
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4-15-2010 @ 5:24PM
lilpoohbearie00 said...Keep supporting the mom. I was so depressed my own family husband and kids included just ignored me. It took me 2 months to get to a point where I could function. 4 years later I look back and still have moments of regret. what could i have done to prevent it. (i found out that I lost the baby due to thyroid cancer.) I had no idea how hard this would be. I may have only been 8 weeks along but it still was devistating. Even if is is sitting and holding her hand while she cry's it does mean a lot.
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