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Opinion: SpongeBob is Living in My Brain ... And He Won't Leave!
Filed under: Opinions
SpongeBob Squarepants and Dora Explorer show up at a Minnesota Timberwolves basektball game. (And we didn't even know they were dating.) Credit: Getty Images
Ignoring ugly truths, however, does not make them go away. The measure of our spirits is ultimately not how we cope with life's joys as much as how we cope with its disasters.
With that in mind, brace yourselves.
"SpongeBob Squarepants" has not been canceled. I repeat: "SpongeBob Squarepants" has (this is the part where I cry like Glenn Beck) not been canceled.
If you are a parent of a child under the age of 15, I don't need to tell you what this means. The show, already in its 11th year, could continue indefinitely. It's like the Korean War in "MASH." It just goes on and on.
Our children will keep watching it. They will memorize the dialogue and repeat it over and over during long car trips. They will proceed to imitate SpongeBob's laugh (the worst, most annoying cartoon laugh since the invention of Woody Woodpecker).
They will keep hounding us with questions about how SpongeBob can visit the beach or operate a hamburger grill when he lives underwater.
How the &$#@! should I know?! It's a cartoon!
And a rather grating one at that.
I know a lot of adults actually like "SpongeBob." Even I will admit that it has its moments. I will cop to a slightly disturbing crush on Sandy Cheeks, the squirrel girl sent by her chimpanzee overlords to do underwater research.
But even more disturbing is the fact that I know who Sandy Cheeks is. I know all about Sandy, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, Mermaid Man and all the other denizens of the town of Bikini Bottom.
Not that I want to know such things. I wish I could delete them from my memory files and make room for just enough math to balance my checkbook. And it's not just "SpongeBob" trivia gumming up the works.
Can you name all four Teletubbies? I can. There's Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. (And I know Tinky-Winky is the gay one, at least according to the late Rev. Jerry Falwell.)
I also can tell you all about Jimmy Neutron, Danny Phantom, Drake and Josh, Thomas the Tank Engine and the Fairly Odd Parents. That doesn't even count Cookie Monster, Grover and (ugh) Elmo on "Sesame Street" or Henrietta Pussycat and Daniel Striped Tiger on "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."
And I can probably still quote "Horton Hears a Who," "The Lorax" and most of the Dr. Seuss canon, chapter and verse.
This is the curse of parenthood they never tell you about when you learn a baby is on the way. You thought you put away childish things? Ha! Your brain is overrun with talking animals and frightening images of train engines with human faces.
It seeps and creeps into your adult world. I can barely hear a story about politics without thinking, "Wow. That's, like, straight out of Yertle the Turtle."
I was at an art gallery recently, and it reminded me of the episode where Squidward Tentacles (he's an octopus, ya know) takes up sculpture.
My only consolation is that nothing lasts forever. Miley Cyrus finally, mercifully, grew up. That means just one more season of "Hannah Montana." That means being able to walk into stores without seeing her face on everything from backpacks to cereal boxes.
We adults have our equivalents. On a routine trip to the grocery store, I once counted seeing Rachael Ray's face 57 times. That phenomenon is blissfully waning. After hearing the rumor about "SpongeBob" going off the air, I thought my torment might be ending there, too.
No such luck. Just a rumor. I remember being sick of seeing Fonzie and David Cassidy everywhere I turned as a kid, but it seems to me that media is more omnipresent nowadays. I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting old.
It bothers me, however, that I could have told you almost every member of the Reagan administration when I was a young reporter. Now, I can rattle off the names of the Wiggles faster than I can the justices on the Supreme Court.
There are many wonderful blessings that come from parenthood. Being able to name the Wiggles isn't one of them.
Related: Is Cookie Monster Morally Superior to SpongeBob?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
4-19-2010 @ 8:31PM
okrealok said...too many silly and weak minded are being allowed to become parents now adays, however, as it was in the days of Noah, so shall it be
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 9:20PM
Megan said...Throwing stones in a glass house, are we? How about calling that kettle black again too while you are at it?
4-19-2010 @ 10:43PM
BTDT said...I like Spongebob.
4-19-2010 @ 8:38PM
Wendy said...Just for the record. Squidward is a squid and not an octopus. It's even in his name. Watching shows with my children makes me feel more connected with them. We have great conversations surrounding spongebob, hannah montana, icarly (for example). The wiggles I cannot stand and thankfully i have been able to keep my children away from that program. I say enjoy this stage, it gives you an entry way to your children's life.
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 9:01PM
sra. buffington said...If you don't like these programs, turn off the dam TV! Your kids can find better things to do...can't they?
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 9:26PM
alf said...I thought it was silly, but harmless, until the day my 5 year old grandson replied that he was a failure because he didn't know the answer to something I asked him. When I asked where in the world he had heard this term, he replied plankton. Now I just tell him I don't like him to watch it and to find something else or we'll play a game or puzzle. I didn't care for the message he was getting from it.
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 9:33PM
Jim said...Barney was, by far, the most annoying one! I couldn't stand that big, fat, purple tub of lard and his goofy voice! Teletubbies was/is a close second. As far as Spongebob, some episodes actually make me laugh, because it's really more adult in humor than the fodder that is usually directed at a child. The one about the importance of handwashing, where it showed them on the toilet doing their business, now that was humorous.
Reply
4-20-2010 @ 2:01AM
mobymom said...AMEN!
4-19-2010 @ 9:36PM
okrealok said...why bring a child into this world for him or her to be as silly and stupid acting as a monkey? with no self respect or respect for others? it serves no purpose other than to see their own self destruction eventually to show others how not to act in life
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 9:41PM
juli said...bring back creative, intelligent cartoons that could be enjoyed by an adult , as well as a child.-----like Yogi Bear, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Popeye, Tom adn Jerry ( altho I think that one is a little too violent ) and of course, the Disney cartoons. And bring back Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety and Sylvestor ( Tweety and his granny are so cute ) , Road Runner, and all the good ones.
Except for Sponge Bob, today's cartoons are designed to give kids a love for killing other people via ray guns, swords, guns, knives,bombs--- b/c the gov wants to get them ready for war. By the time they're 12, they'll say they want to be in the infantry b/c they " like shooting guns ' ' (at people )
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 10:29PM
undrgrndgirl said...bugs bunny and company were never intended to be children's programs...
4-19-2010 @ 11:22PM
NurseRiverBoat said...Spongebob is not annoying...He's NICE! He's NICE! He's also very honest and very ethical.
I don't know of any other sponge who has so much integrity as Sponge Bob, do you?
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 10:00PM
Cindy Beane said...I think there's WAY too much TV on in people's houses. Growing up, the TV wasn't on in our house but an hour or two a day total. We played outside, or did arts & crafts with our mom, played board games, listened to the ball game on the radio, etc. I think families have forgotten how to talk to each other or interact without the television. And then Saturday mornings, for about three hours, we could watch cartoons and that was it for the TV.
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 10:19PM
RB said...Actually, Wendy, the author is right. Squidward is an octopus. The creator of Spongebob SquarePants has stated as much on numerous occasions. They just thought that the name Squidward sounded better.
Now, is it bad that I know this?... Probably.
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 10:28PM
undrgrndgirl said...not to worry...your kids will grow up and you'll wonder whatever happened to rainbow brite, carebears, my little pony and she-ra...
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 11:13PM
Susan said...How true! How I miss those Nick Jr. days! You go from being the center of your child's universe to the chauffeur/ATM. I really miss watching Blues Clues (and even the dreaded Barney!) with my little guy, singing and dancing and having a blast! Those are the best years, so enjoy them - and stop complaining about the show itself, and just enjoy your kid!
4-19-2010 @ 10:31PM
Jeff said...If your 15 year old is still watching spongebob, please stop wiping his?her butt.
Reply
4-19-2010 @ 10:46PM
AECorkery said...Yes, I do know the theme song to SpongeBob by heart, even though my son is now 17 and his days of watching Spongebob are long gone. The thing that bothered me the most about this cartoon was that all the happy characters were, shall we say, below average intelligence and the only character that was intelligent was surly and miserable. What does that teach our kids? But at least it is not as violent as the cartoons i grew up with. Anybody remember Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner, or Bugs Bunny?
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4-19-2010 @ 11:43PM
Sadie said...Kids' shows and music have been insulting children and assaulting their parents for years. You just have to be creative. When I was a part of a carpool for elementary school, all the other kids' Moms were dutifully playing syrupy sweet, sickening stupid brain cell busting childrens'songs over and over and over in their cars on the way to school. I played Aretha Franklin / Whitney Houston's song "It Isn't, It Wasn't, It Ain't Never Gonna Be' over and over. The girls loved it! They both took the partsof Whitney and Aretha (they were 6 at the time) and sang their parts well! "You been hangin' round my boyfriend...etc." It was unbearably cute and I was universally hated by all the other carpool Moms. Just take control!!!!
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4-20-2010 @ 12:12AM
sarina said...simple solution: interact with your kids personally rather than plopping them down in front of the T.V.! ...i don't know, read them a book, take them to the park, teach them their colors, and letters, and numbers. If you think hard enough you may, just may, be able to think of something that will not result in them being obese and illiterate at the age of 10.
Also, if you really HAVE to put them in front of the television, put on an educational video-- the bright colors and cool animals on the nature channel sure are entertaining, even to kids!
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