Is It Wrong to Make Your Kid Hug a Relative?

I don't agree with a lot of what this writer thinks, so I am not surprised that this is another point of divergence for me and her.

I think kids have a right to abstain from hugging and kissing people who make them uncomfortable, for whatever reason. It doesn't have to make sense to the rest of the world.

I don't think manners are the issue. The root of manners is showing kindness, goodwill, and politeness. This can be done without hugs and kisses at any age. It's in the voice, the handshake, the smile.

I don't hug people that I don't wish to hug. I would never ask my child to do it either. Only she knows her personal space and physical boundaries.

Training a kid to trust his or her instinct is more important than making them hug a relative they are not interested in hugging.

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When my Grandmother died, my 7 year old remarked that the thing he liked most about her was that she never grabbed for a hug- she always asked. He was right. She would always ask "would you like to give Gram a hug?" If a cranky toddler declined her offer, that was fine, she would offer to blow a kiss - and never failed to follow either with "I love you" . That was always a hit and I think it endeared her even more to all of us...

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I strongly disagree with the so-called experts who say to make a kid kiss the relatives to be polite. If the relatives were polite, they wouldn't want to embarass the kid! I agree with Casey that it has nothing to do with teaching the child manners. If you respect your children, they will respect you. How about teaching them to respect themselves? No one should be made to kiss or hug anyone they don't want to kiss or hug. I'm glad to see your polls show that most people agree with your "experts".

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Do not make your kid hug and kiss anyone that you would not,I myself believe that real Men do not really want to hug every kid that comes around them.

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Are you kidding me?! I am sitting here crying over this article. I was abused by my uncle. My first memory, ever, (at 6 yrs old) is of me telling my uncle that if he didn't stop touching me I was going to tell my Daddy. He said "go ahead and tell your dad....then he will hate you". A PREDATOR will rely on a child being made to be polite and uses his manipulation tactics and the fact that the parents trust them as a relative. All of these factors HELP the PREDATOR get his victim to submit. "IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US" is what the parents say. It's what MY parents said. They forced me to go on trips with him as a young girl and when I said I didn't want to, they said "Uncle Billy is so nice to you, why don't you want to go with him. You will hurt his feelings". I lived the rest of my life in fear and my uncle continued to molest and rape me until I was 15. He did prey on the polite, fearful child. It was easy for him because I did not want my parents to hate me. I believed him. So this article and these researchers are full of bull when they say there is no harm in "making" your child be polite to relatives. I am 51 years old now and that shaped my entire life and personality. So kids are NOT savvy Miss Amy Baxter! Here is your evidence PROF. DAVID FINKELHOR! Parents...please don't be neive! This is YOUR childs inncocence we are talking about.

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When my 12 year old was a about 4, she clearly demonstrated who she would hug and who she wouldn't. In one situation, refusing to hug one male in particular, we were put on guard and did not force the issue. My child exibited politeness in many other ways that did not involve invasion of her personal space. One Sunday at church, an usher that had been absent for some time and one that she had not met had returned to his usual spot and door. After ususal greetings she spotted him from about 50 feet or so and RAN to him and jumped up in his arms as if she had always known him. This I took to heart and have never again questioned my childs inate ability to sense "safe" situations with regard to her personal space.
I would worry more about people who would force themselves into a childs space of safety than whether it appears as if my child has manners or not. Respect is a two way street. It should also extend to the child and in a situation like this, the child should be allowed to decline the action. Allowing her to do so gives her the ability to then say no to someone who might want to cause her harm because she wasn't forced by her parents (authority figures, adults) to do something against her will.

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I feel awful, When I was made to hug ( my step faather) for he raped me over & over a 3 to 4 years. But no one knew it then. Till , I told my teacher. Yes, I was taken from the home. This happened years ago. But , I would never make my child or childen hug someone, if they felt unsure or uneasy to do this.

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Fact of life: children are a product of their environment and it starts in the home. They are very receptive to adult behavior. Grandparents fall in a completely different category than other relatives and should be viewed as such. How many accounts and/or arrests have been made against grandpa or grandma as opposed to uncle, aunt, cousin, etc. in relation to sexual abuse? Isn't the objective for child rearing to teach them to think independently and learn to make wise, educated choices?

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The bottom line is that the nuturing of children is and should be properly molded by the parents. Everything is relative and each individual situation is different. No cranky toddler likes to do anything--not even hug their own mother at times. That doesn't mean that the child needs or should be asked first. This path only leads to the child thinking they can do and say anything disrespectful at any time to anyone, which is not right. A child needs to learn their place in the family unit. It saddens me to think children may be prevented from the exposure of such an endearing gesture as a hug or a kiss from a relative. How is the child supposed to develop family values if he/she doesn't learn that it is proper and respectful to kiss grandma or hug Aunt Sue? Grandma and Aunt Sue love the child and they should be stopped from showing their affection to the child? Absolutely Not!

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HOMOPHOBIC?

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A handshake is respectful and shows good manners. Hugs are much more personal and shouldn't be forced on anyone. Period.

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There must be a middle road in here somewhere. I understand parents' protective instincts and not wanting to send a message that every older person is worthy of a child's trust. I also think it's important not to scare the daylights out of children by making them suspicious of every adult they meet, particularly close relatives and friends. It probably seems overly simplistic but isn't there a way to explain to kids that their grandparents love them and often love to hug their grandchildren and that there might be an uncle or cousin who might have different motives. I'm not suggesting that every grandparent is squeaky clean but I can't believe that all kids need to be afraid of everyone in their lives except their parents and siblings.

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I never had to make my kids hug their grand parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We are a close family and hug all the time. I have a great niece and nephew, however, that I wish would just be polite. Half of the time they don't even acknowledge you when you speak to them. It's really awful. I would never let my kids act like that.

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This is crazy. My family comes from a long line of "huggers." We hug and kiss each other all the time. My siblings and I are very close; thus, our children have grown up seeing the hugs and kisses we display. It's all part of the love and respect of a family. My children and grandchildren will hug and kiss someone they know, but I can assure you that they would never kiss or hug or touch a stranger. But I believe it's healthy for them to know that our family is built around the love we have for each other. One of the son-in-laws "warned" a to-be daughter-in-law about the family's constant hugging. He comment to her was "you better get yourself prepared to be hugged when you walk into a room, and hugged and kissed when you leave." He said it took him a while to get used to it, but now he does it as much as the immediate family. My siblings and I are ages 58-66, and we still enjoy each other's company....with or without the spouses. I feel very blessed.

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I summit,if you have to or have had to force your child to show PDA to family members, then your "Family" is not as close as you think. I suggest making as much time as you can to spend with family members, to allow your child to actually get to know who these people are.In today's society you have to make a conscious effort to gather with families, either immediate or extended.To me it is a matter of respect.Children are brutally honest and will tell you if they have a smelly relative, and my suggestion would be,"well next time you can just shake their hand ".

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Are we kidding with this???

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I have a son who refuses hugs and kisses...in order to teach him respect without forcing him to do something he doesn't like..we have him shake hands. He doesn't mind doing that and his grandparents feel respected.

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Forcing your child to hug relatives may not turn them into easy prey, but what purpose does it serve? Are you really unable to teach your child to be polite and respectful without forcing them to submit to unwanted kissing/hugging? Why not teach your child to put out a hand and shake their hand? Or say, "How are you doing today, Aunt Bertha?" A child can be taught to refuse unwanted touching politely but firmly. Making a barf face and running into the next county is rude. Sticking out a hand for a firm shake, instead of a cheek or mouth to kiss, is not.

It's ludicrous to say that children who refuse to submit to unwanted touching are rude. Any adult who is offended at something so small (particularly when the child is otherwise polite) has a chip on their shoulder.

And Darlene, you really teach your children that all males are potential predators that they may not touch? My husband and our sons have a close, affectionate relationship, and yes, that includes hugging and snuggling. So what? My boys aren't going to "turn gay" because of their closeness with their dad (and uncles and grandfathers, for that matter).

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I am from a strict Italian family and when growing up, it was considered proper to hug our uncles etc. Nowadays however, boys are taught to stay their distance, shaking their hand instead. Thanks to so many priests and youth leaders molesting our young children, many boys were tempted to turn gay later in life. You never hear about the girls who were molested by Nuns and other female teachers and many of these girls also turned gay. All people who deal with children should have a background check such as Boy Scout leaders, all church leaders, teachers in our schools and especially sports figures.

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