Our Neighbors Have a Baby in the NICU. How Should We Help?

Our first instinct in a situation like this is to go to the family and say, "What can I do to help?" or "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

It's been my experience that this is one of the worst things you can do. Ok, maybe "worst" is a bad word, but hear me out...

When you're in a situation like this, where a loved one (anyone, not just a child. For me, it was my husband.) is clinging to life by a prayer, the LAST thing you want is more responsibility heaped on your shoulders. And when someone says, "Let me know if there's anything I can do..." that's adding another layer of responsibility. Yes, it is. That person has just placed the responsibility of finding a task for them onto your shoulders. And you're already saddled with the task of caregiver, holding your family together, hospital bills, etc.

A better approach? "My son and I enjoy doing yard work and gardening together. During the time that your family is in need, we'd be happy to add your yard to our hobby time."

"My sis and I are taking the kids to a movie and then out for pizza... we'd love for your kids to come along, too!"

Making a concrete offer of a service is SO much more welcome than the open-ended, "anything I can do?" Even if that offer is a one-time thing, it will be most welcome. I promise.

The open-ended offer does little but assuage your own guilt. I'm sorry to say it that harshly, but it's true. It makes YOU feel good, but really accomplishes nothing for the family in need, unless they've sat down and made a list to have ready for the next person who makes the offer. And I assure you, they haven't done that.

And if you CAN'T do anything? Show up. Smile. Offer your shoulder, your friendship, your support. Don't know what to say? SAY THAT! "I am so sorry this happened to your family. I really don't know what to say or do. How about if I sit with you a while?" Sometimes, just having another human being sitting next to you, holding your hand while you're scared out of your wits is the best thing in the whole wide world.

Don't be afraid to just show up. Let your heart guide you through the rest.

Reply

Oh! And don't forget to LAUGH!!

I can remember, the time when I felt most reassured that everything would be ok (even if it wasn't), was when I was in that ICU waiting area with another family, and we were reading e-mails from family members. Those family members sent humorous messages. There we sat, that other wife and I, with our husband's lives in the balance, laughing like loons because our families cared enough to send us goofy stuff.

There's a lot of pressure on the family of a sick person. Laughter really *is* medicine - and it's not disrespectful to laugh a little. Don't make light of the situation, of course, but if your friend starts to giggle, giggle with her. That laughter is SUCH a stress-buster, you have no idea.

Reply

When my son was in the NICU, I was incredibly grateful to my team of friends who brought us food, took turns driving us to and from the hospital four times per day (as I wasn't allowed to drive post-partum and my husband needed a break), and--most of all--came to pick up our poor, confused, lonely daughter and take her to play.

It was an awful, awful time, but even know, thinking about those kindnesses brings me to tears.

Reply

My daughter was born at 26 wks gestation and was in a NICU for 3 months. It was by far the most difficult and emotional experience of my life. My baby weighed 2lbs at birth and was immediatley placed on a ventilator. The nurses and doctors were wonderful but straight forward and honest about the journey our little girl would have to make and there were no guarantees.
My husband and I are so blessed to have a healthy five year old child with only minor health issues resulting from extreme prematurity. The entire experience was surreal and I wish there would have been more resources available for me as a mother during this physical and emotional crisis.
The first thing I want to suggest to anyone who wants to help a family who has a premature infant is: DO NOT JUST SHOW UP at the hospital/ NICU. NICU's have very strict visiting guidelines, usually only allowing 2 to 3 immed family members at bedside for limited times. Infection control is crucial for a preemie's survival.
Leave messages of encouragement and hope on cell and home phones for the affected family. Don't be offended if your call doesn't get returned. Please don't "offer to sit with the baby" so mom/dad can go home and take care of things, even if you are a grandparent.
The suggestions made by the author regarding house cleaning and assisting with meals are wonderful. Siblings at home feel alone and are also in need of support. By far the best thing someone did for me was to just listen to me express my heartache and fear- without telling me it all would be ok, because parents know what they are up against.I found I had to grieve, which sounds strange. My childs birth experience was not what I had envisioned.It was traumatic and five years later I still get flashbacks.
Premature childbirth is financially devastating even for families with good insurance and stable income. Expenses only increase when preemies come home as most need continued medical care, equipment, medications and special formulas.Many have numerous surgeries/procedures and therapy needed in order to recover and catch up developmentally. Most of the moms I encountered (including myself) during my daughters hospitalization had to go back to work before their baby was even discharged from NICU. Any remaining maternity leave time was saved for when the baby actually came home and was brief.
The best advice I can offer to anyone wanting to be of assistance to families experiencing a sick or premature child is to listen with empathy and encourage and support them as parents.

Reply

Buy them a gas card to defray some of the expenses of driving there

If the baby is really small, buy some preemie clothes (mom just wont have time or energy)

I loved the idea of doing yard work,,,that is very kind

Offer to be "point man" for info so that they dont have to talk to everyone.

Offer to care for thier pets who may not get much attention during the initial crisis.

Dont send flowers, NICUs dont allow them...spend the money on the gas card

Reply

when my last child was born she was in the nicu for a while and all of the neighbors in the apartment complex we lived went out and bought all the things we would need for a preemie baby and left them at our home as a suprise. anything like that would be great (even if the child is just sick) anything that will help so the family doesn't feel they need to use their time shopping for needed items for the baby.

Reply

I can tell you that it is deffinately a FACT, that the parents of a newborn or child in a NICU, are drained.. I don't remember much about the time AFTER my daughter was born 24 yrs ago. We had no family that lived near by, we just had us, and one vehicle. My Husband had to keep working during the day.. I DO REMEMBER, being home during the day, completely drained, unable to do anything during the day except nap, and watch the clock for the time my husband would be home from work, so that he could then take me to the hospital to see our baby. Once my husband would pull up in the driveway after working all day. MY energy level would rise, I didn't even want him to get out of the car. DRIVE ME to the hospital!!! I would have energy then. I wanted, needed, HAD to go to the hospital to see my baby (who was born 4 months premature). We would then drive in rush hour traffic to the hospital to spend our Hour or two with our daugher (whom we couldn't even hold for the first two weeks of her life) Then, when we would finally head for home, I was drained again! Emotionally and physically! So was my poor husband! My best advice, be there to drive parents to and from the hospital, clean their house, mow their grass, bring them a home cooked meal. When a family has a child in a NICU, all the normal things in their life suffer, because they are just drained and there is NOTHING more important in their lives. Also, if you can, just be an EAR for them to state their concerns, worries, hopes, fears.. to. No response, just someone for them to "Say outloud" what they've been thinking. God Bless all who have to go through anytime like this.. My daughter is 24 yrs old now.. And perfectly normal. Who would have thunk, after all we went through following her birth!!??

Reply

When my li'l one was in the NICU,our older daughter who was 4 was not allowed inside.MY husband and I would take turns to go and visit the baby.I would have ideally loved for both of us to be together with the new born but didn't get a chance.I think may be if you could offer to watch the older kids,the parents can spend time together with the baby.

Reply

I am the mother of a former 23wker surviving twin.....we spent 5 1/2 months in the NICU. We are blessed beyond belief with our precious baby girl. She just turned 5. She is a survivor. Long story short.....gas cards are great....paid for parking validations are even better....and yes....those precious preemie clothes but make sure they are really small though.....stuff for mom....lotions, magazines, books on preemie development....and offering to take children at home on outings and coming and giving the pets extra TLC are wonderful ideas too. Offer lots of Pray also.......

Reply

Not sure what "Holly" meant about not offering to sit with baby while parents go home. When I had an infant in the hospital there were times I needed to go home and I hated to leave him alone (he was 6 weeks old and not a preemie). I had two other children at home and would have loved to have a family member stay with baby while I left for a few hours. I did the same for my preemie granddaughter. I arrived early in the morning to just "be there" so my daughter could sleep in a bit, get showered, etc.but still feel like someone was there for baby.

The toughest problem with having a baby in the hospital is, indeed, if you have other children to care for. They are the ones who are neglected, and the mom guilt is terrible! If you know neighbors, church members, and family are keeping things humming at home for your other kids, that is a HUGE relief.

Reply

If the grass grows up, cut it for them.
If they have older children, take them into your home after school until late evening, or overnight if need be.
If relatives are in town staying in the home, offer to run errands, give directions, carpool to school, set up the Slip 'N Slide and have the kids over... outside.
Feed their pets and water their plants.
Pick up the newspaper and mail.
Walk their dog. Pick up after their dog if it poops in someone else's yard.
Make them a care package with change for the vending machines, magazines, hand lotion, a journal and pen, a cell phone minutes card, chapstick, deoderant, tooth brush & toothpaste, dental floss, gum or mints, small packages of power food like nuts & dried fruits.
Don't call them twice a day for updates.
Make & put some "ready to eats" in the frige, like salads and sandwiches, along with the "heat 'n eats".

Reply