Should My Ex Have His Girlfriend Around Our Children?

WHAT! I am 16 my parents are in a divorce and are both in relationships. I have 4 younger siblings the youngest being 5 and really all of you seem to be idiots. This comment was the worst though. My parents have had relationships and breakups since the divorce began and it takes no toll on us. We don't get attached to them at all. They are just like a family friend who visits and stays the night. Are you saying that you shouldn't bring your friends over unless you plan on being friends with them forever because of the trauma it could cause. What I don't get is why adults seem to think they no everything thats right for the kids. Only the kids going through the divorce know whats best.

I agree Melanie. I've seen what divorce does to children. It's not pretty. A real parent will not force their love life on kids till they are up and out.

I have to agree with Madison here. However, I will say that if the divorce was a result of infidelity, the scorned parent tends to express bitter feelings. They also force their feelings and opinions on their children. Perhaps if the scorned parent would realize that it was the relation with their spouse that ended ,not the relationship with the children (seperate your feelings from your kids) things would be allot easier for the children. Children love both their parents equally and their parents love them too. It should not be assumed, and children should not be forced to believe, that just because daddy left mommy he's a bad daddy and doesn't love them anymore.

Melanie,
I couldn't agree with you more.

Ha!! Well my ex wife who is a Girl Scout leader had multiple men at the same time spend overnight with my kids (2 duaghters and a boy aged 4 - 8 at the time) there. My daughter even told me that she was afraid to leave her room when these men were there. Then she has them watched by these men coke snorting and pot smoking men while she was working at our business that she ended up lying and taking from me in the divorce.

After a year I started dating. I NEVER had anyone meet my children until 2.5 years later. Only after two years did I meet a wonderful woman and six months after that did they meet her. She is the only woman I dated that they met. The kids have known her and her kids for two years before we got engaged. She has never lived with me with my kids here nor has she slept over with them here.

Funny how my experience is the Girl Scout ex-wife with that great cover could lie and make me out the bad guy and I behave responsibly and by the prejudices of society am assumed by most to be a bad parent since I am a man. Of the other men I have talked to it is usually the ex-wife who behaves inappropriately around the kids since they are defacto assumed to be the responsible parent.

Truthfully if the kids interests were always to be first then the divorce would never take place in the first place. Just because you have kids doesn't mean your life ends with them. Mothers and Fathers to a live of their own as well and not just a life that involves their kids.

You said you should not bring home a date unless you are going to marry that person. That is also not the right way and hard for the kids. They find out they are going to have a step parent and they have never even met the person. It should be a long term relationship before introducing a date, but not waiting until they are going to be married.

@ Madison

I am 28, my dad left my mom for another woman & we were introduced to her in a live in situation almost immeditely. I was 6 years old & it was the hardest thing ever. They did end up getting married but that made life no easier either. Growing up I experience nearly every effect mentioned in the column in regards to a quiet depression, no fucus in school, etc...

You may not have been effected my your divorce experience, but yours is a rare case, and the kids mention in the column will have a hard time & lasting emaotional effects, especially because of the reason behind the divorce.

Until you're ready to marry them? Are you kidding?

To Decent Dad: You are right on! It is amazing how many divorced women have men stay the night or "move in". Yet they are the ones who got residential custody of the children and the father is assumed to be the bad guy by society. My grade school son told me other boys weren't allowed to stay over night with him anymore. When I asked the parents why, I was told because my wife and her lover carried on like a porn actor/actress, making so much noise, and that is not uncommon behavior for these "single moms". Amazingly, these are the same women who were inhibited by their baby's crib or didn't want the dog or cat to watch.

Imagine before the first divorce hearing your spouse brings home and has staying over a Level Three Sex Offender who spent 18 years of a 16 to 20 year sentence for Aggravated Rape. Does wonders for thinking how cool it is for the sex offender ro staying with your 12 year old child, texting, calling, taking your child on trips. And the only thing the lawyers say is the Sex Offender cannot have anything said to him, or even people being made aware of his status. Been there, living it.

Realationships end in life all the time ,that is part of the deal!That dose not mean you should not open your heart or gain from the wealth of individuals who elect to share with you.Back to the original notion of an ex bringing people into contact with your kids,It is the most compelling argument to makeing a relationship work!

Hi, my name in Nichole i am going through a divorce. I have two children in which they are ages 2 and 5. I just wanted to get some advise from other individuals concerning my situation. My ex husband is planning on moving way across the United States here shortly it went from him going to move last week to now this week and he is still here. He comes and usually picks up the children and spends time with them daily but i have a concern. He always accuses me of having men around my children in which i NEVER have due to knowing what children are feeling right now i would never want to confuse them more. But my daughter came home and was telling me about this nice girl that daddy has been bringing them to see. Which Yes it could just be a play date with her children and i really don't know how the situation stands nor is it any of my business but when my children get home they are acting out so bad and seem to be so confused how would you go about handling it?

Joe,
Bitter much? Seriously, dude, I read 2 of your posts, the first I read pronounced the man "utterly selfish".Would you like a referral to a therapist?
Are you SURE you're a dude? Have you EVER been in a (non-arranged-by-mom) relationship....with a WOMAN, I mean?
Anyone can tell ya dude...ya gotta hear BOTH sides!!!

Demon, if you would look at the world through something other than your possibly narcissistic lens, you would understand that the subject here is not separation/divorce or even developing a new relationship. The subject is introducing another love interest -- the same one he was unfaithful with -- to [presumably] your home and to your two young children even before the divorce is finalized. Do you really, REALLY think that there are two sides to this??? And do you really, REALLY think that all real men can think -- as you seem to do -- only with the head between their legs?

Joe, I couldn't agree more, the father in this case was ONLY thinking of himself and thinking with the wrong head. This was the woman he cheated on wife with, and now he expects his kids to welcome her with open arms?? Or even to tolerate her? This guy doesn't give a damn about those kids, only getting laid. Your kids are supposed to come FIRST, not your lover.

When my wife and I separated 5 years ago, I made a promise to my daughter (then 13 years old) that I would not remarry or even live with someone at least until she was gone away to college, or even introduce her to someone I was dating unless there was a strong chance that she was a "keeper". I know personally of several dads whose kids resent them deeply for bringing women into their lives within months of their separation or divorce. I was NOT going to be one of those dads. Both my ex and I put our kid FIRST.

And Damon, you're a complete moron who has obviously never been in this kind of situation. In fact, Damon, I hope and pray you don't have children and never do because they will suffer with you as a father because you will NEVER PUT THEIR NEEDS FIRST.

"Amen!" that, Webb -- all of it!!!

Itotally agree with webb!! Ive been divorced a year now and my daughter is 91/2. Ive never had her around any man that i dated. I just got out of a current relationship and i shouldnt have moved him in. My daughter didnt care for him so i got rid of him. Needless to say i cant say that for her father. He has had her around three of his girls and now another. All she says to me is "here we go again mom number 4. how many more is he gonna have me around??" i have so much anger towards him!

AMEN to webb