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Should My Ex Have His Girlfriend Around Our Children?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Single Parenting, Relationships, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My husband and I are currently in the divorce process and have two young children together. My ex is still seeing the last woman he had an affair with. Is it appropriate for him to have our children around this woman (who coincidentally is recently divorced) when we haven't even finalized the divorce? I can try to set aside my own personal feelings about this, but still want to be sure there are no negative effects on the kids. Thanks.
Signed,
Concerned for the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.
Coming to terms with infidelity, and then adjusting to the reality of a partner's new relationship makes the experience even more difficult. This is especially difficult as you try to navigate the minefield of helping your children adjust, while you attempt to do the same.
Congratulations for keeping your head above water.
Children are innocent bystanders when it comes to the dissolution of their parents' marriage; they didn't sign up for the turmoil or sorrow, yet they are caught smack dab in the middle of it all when divorce happens. They need loving care and support to grieve the many losses that come when their parents separate.
Seeing mommy or daddy in a new romantic relationship is hard on children, but when they have had sufficient time to deal with their feelings, they do tend to adjust. But it takes time for children to move through the anger, frustration and sadness that accompany their adjustment to the divorce.
This means getting to cry or rage with each parent, while being repeatedly reassured that they are loved just the same. It also means having mommy and daddy fully present when they're with the kids, rather than splitting their attention with a "friend."
When a new person is introduced too soon, most children will either openly reject them, or repress their feelings of confusion and upset if they're forced to be nice, potentially fueling issues like depression, defiance, distraction at school, anxiety and sibling rivalry.
I urge you and your spouse to wait at least six months after your divorce before introducing your children to a special someone, and only if the relationship is exclusive, monogamous and serious. It's hard on children to come to terms with the end of their parent's marriage, and harder still to get comfortable with a stepparent.
Give your kids time to accept the divorce, and to forge a solid connection with Mommy and Daddy in the new family configuration. Then, introduce the children to the girlfriend or boyfriend, including them at family outings on occasion, without allowing their presence to monopolize the children's time with their parent. By taking it slow and building a foundation of trust and safety, your children -- like so many others -- will adjust to the divorce and the new partnerships you and their father will eventually form. Give them time, and remember to put their needs first.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
My husband and I are currently in the divorce process and have two young children together. My ex is still seeing the last woman he had an affair with. Is it appropriate for him to have our children around this woman (who coincidentally is recently divorced) when we haven't even finalized the divorce? I can try to set aside my own personal feelings about this, but still want to be sure there are no negative effects on the kids. Thanks.
Signed,
Concerned for the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.
Coming to terms with infidelity, and then adjusting to the reality of a partner's new relationship makes the experience even more difficult. This is especially difficult as you try to navigate the minefield of helping your children adjust, while you attempt to do the same.
Congratulations for keeping your head above water.
Children are innocent bystanders when it comes to the dissolution of their parents' marriage; they didn't sign up for the turmoil or sorrow, yet they are caught smack dab in the middle of it all when divorce happens. They need loving care and support to grieve the many losses that come when their parents separate.
Seeing mommy or daddy in a new romantic relationship is hard on children, but when they have had sufficient time to deal with their feelings, they do tend to adjust. But it takes time for children to move through the anger, frustration and sadness that accompany their adjustment to the divorce.
This means getting to cry or rage with each parent, while being repeatedly reassured that they are loved just the same. It also means having mommy and daddy fully present when they're with the kids, rather than splitting their attention with a "friend."
When a new person is introduced too soon, most children will either openly reject them, or repress their feelings of confusion and upset if they're forced to be nice, potentially fueling issues like depression, defiance, distraction at school, anxiety and sibling rivalry.
I urge you and your spouse to wait at least six months after your divorce before introducing your children to a special someone, and only if the relationship is exclusive, monogamous and serious. It's hard on children to come to terms with the end of their parent's marriage, and harder still to get comfortable with a stepparent.
Give your kids time to accept the divorce, and to forge a solid connection with Mommy and Daddy in the new family configuration. Then, introduce the children to the girlfriend or boyfriend, including them at family outings on occasion, without allowing their presence to monopolize the children's time with their parent. By taking it slow and building a foundation of trust and safety, your children -- like so many others -- will adjust to the divorce and the new partnerships you and their father will eventually form. Give them time, and remember to put their needs first.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 9)
5-10-2010 @ 8:30AM
mattiem said...i know we are talking children here, but admitting a divorce is one of the most difficult and destructive things that can occur in a family, why the rush by the parents into another relationship? six months seems a bit short and i would advise any of my adult children to avoid dating someone whom had not been divorced for a year. there is so much grieving, anger, etc.that persons often try to avoid by jumping into another relationship. it took my 14 year old a year just to deal with his parents divorce--actually, he is still dealing with it at 16 but on a firmer ground. i am fortunate myself and my ex-husband placed the childen first and did not bring anyone else to the table..
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5-10-2010 @ 1:40PM
Peggy Reese said...I have two teenagers, they know about the girlfriend and neither of them have said anything to me about her. They are exstreamly angry at me for filing for divorce. I wish the soon to be ex would step up and admit that what I'm doing is a good thing for all of us. Right now, he is pond scum. We are still leagelly married until we sign the papers.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:41AM
Sharon said...Always consider your children's needs. Different ages have different needs. Once your children are out of the house, then you can do what you want so long as you still watch what you say.
Raise your children to be strong and totally self sufficient, including finances. They need to be able to stand alone, if the need arises.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:44AM
dennis said...Sad part is the only ones that ever seem to get published is when the man is the one with the infidelity. (believe me there is no excuse for it regardless of who is at fault.) but it is truly amazing, that it is never a big deal when the woman is at fault. There are just as many women out there cheating on their husbands as there are men. So much for EQUAL rights. I believe everyone should be treated the same. Unfortunately the "equal" is only referred to when it benefits the person using it. How about spreading some truth for a change, and publishing both sides. Again I re-iterate, Cheating is never good, regardless of who did it. The society we live seems to say it is ok if a woman does it, but not if a man does it. go figure.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:43AM
Lisa said...The responses here are selfish and completely untrue. HOW you introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend can be a healthy part of moving on as long as it is done TOGETHER and APPROPRIATELY. First and foremost, EACH parent should at the very least put on the "front" that they are HAPPY AND WELCOMING to the new boyfriend/girlfriend. There needs to be NO palpable anxiety or jealousy from YOU the adult. Second of all, there needs to be integration with the kids. KIDS are not stupid. YOU are divorced or separated. TIME TO SUCK IT UP and do what is right for your KIDS. YOU already made your choice. NOW make choices to help your KIDS be happy and productive. I KNOW that this works for a fact. I am divorced many years and my ex and I have two VERY HAPPY VERY WELL ADJUSTED children who have met our boyfriends/girlfriends. I would recommend you do not bring a bf/gf around until you are sure it is somewhat of a permanent situation. But this misnomer that kids will be devistated is ridiculous. STOP transfering YOUR emotions onto your children! GROW UP! You go through various babysitters, nannies, etc and they do well.. OF COURSE they can do well with this part of broken families and THRIVE if you grow UP and do what is right for THEM! I HATE articles like this because of the idiotic comments they spurn. GROW UP LADIES and learn to stop transfering your anger and issues from the marriage to the new girlfriend and the kids.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:51AM
worried aunt said...My brother and his wife of 10 years recently divorced. They have 3 children that are affected by this. His ex had a guy in their home before conversations came to a divorce, and 5 months after the divorce was official she is having the guy move in.
When there are children involved they should not be exposed to another person. It is hard enough for them to come to terms that mommy and daddy are no longer together, they don't need the stress of a new person stepping into the empty role.
My brother has started to move on also, however he waited until the divorce was final before he started seeing someone and intoducing her to his kids.
People forget when they have kids that all of their decisions affect them directly and indirectly. It is not all about themselves anymore it is about the kids.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:51AM
tila said...The point is not how long to wait after divorcing to start dating. I know after my divorce, I was very hurt and didn't care to date, besides, my kids were only 3 and 18 months. It would have been quite selfish of me to think of rebuildidng my life then, when I had to make sure my kids were dealing with the changes in the healthiest way possible.
The point is, to NOT introduce the new love to the children too soon, because kids get attached, and if things don't work out, they feel like they have lost yet another important person in their lives. Unless you get engaged to be married, or at least discuss a future together, I would leave the kids completely out of the new relationship.
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5-10-2010 @ 8:57AM
archerandlion said...You women show your true colors every time you "man bash".
When I divorced the wife she used our 2 daughters as pawns to hurt me.. She would constantly make plans for the kids to be away during my visitation weekends. She would constantly tell the kids that I didn't love them. That I moved out cause I wanted to be away from them. When I did have the kids for visitation weekends, she'd grill them about what we did and who was there. And when the kids had fun, like when I took them to Disney world,she would berate me until they cried. She would make sure they wouldn't end the weekend with fond memories whenever they were with me.
That occurred when the kids were 9 & 11. Since then, one turned to drugs to escape the pain and the other turned out to be unable to emotionally connect to anyone.
So you male bashers, including this author, pat yourself on the back for causing divorces & destroying the kids during your futile revenge attacks...
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5-10-2010 @ 11:56AM
Maia said...I wholeheartedly agree with you. I happen to be engaged to a man who has a child with an ex (They split up a few years before we met, so I had nothing to do with it) and her family constantly bad-mouths him to his daughter like that, and the poor girl is only 6.... saying he is a "deadbeat" and "walked out on her".... he didn't. He walked out on the mom, and moved to where his family is. He makes next to nothing but still finds a way to pay child support and calls his daughter, while her mom is out with different guys on any given weekend. I would not call that being a bad dad or a bad guy. It's not just men who do this, it's women too, and either way is sad, very sad.
5-10-2010 @ 12:30PM
sharyn said...Get over yourself. "Man-bashing" does not cause divorce anymore then men making those same type of comments about women does. I have a miserable excuse for an ex husband (if I told you everything he did you would agree with me) The divorce came about due to his cheating, lying, stealing and substance abuse to name a few NOT due to someone else "bashing men". BTW, telling the truth is not "bashing".
5-10-2010 @ 9:05AM
pedricsr33 said...I can't believe what l'm reading.. Peep this out!! Who cares what the kids are going thru'.. Kids don't pay bills.. Kids don't drive PARENTS to work.. Kids don't bring home the groceries.. Kids only eat, sh-t, & sleep.. So as long as there is food on the table when it is time, hot water running, and a warm bed to sleep in.. All a child needs is to stay focus in school, and not worry about what the PARENTS are doing, ya dig!!
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5-10-2010 @ 9:36AM
Milli said...you are obviously a very selfish person and I'm sure your kids (If you actually have any) are not very happy with you.
5-10-2010 @ 9:05AM
july said...worried aunt,
You don't know enough of what happened between your brother and his wife, unless you shared the bed with them. If his ex had a guy at her house before they were officially divorced doesn't mean she was sleeping with him, and having him move in after 5 months of being divorced might not be what you and I would do, but it is her business, not yours and not your brother's. Maybe she had been lonely for a long time, maybe your brother was a jerk to her. Maybe her new beau is much better than your brother, for her, and for the kids.
If she were your sister and he the ex, I wonder if you would feel the same way. Unless you are in her shoes, don't talk. You are just siding with your brother because he is your brother, but remember, a marriage is made by man and woman, and not by man, woman, and man's worried sister. Stay out of it. It is not your place to even have a opinion. I bet you are single and have never even lived with anybody.
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5-10-2010 @ 9:09AM
pedricsr33 said...Very well put.. I couldn't said it better.. You should run for President!!
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5-10-2010 @ 9:12AM
pedricsr33 said...acherandlion, that was a very good statement!!
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5-10-2010 @ 9:21AM
bblakemore2 said...What really matters is how the parents handle things. My husband divorced his ex in 2000, she was cheating and started dating right away. He waited, I came into the picture in 2005 and as soon as it got serious her claws came out! As soon as she found out we were getting married all of the sudden we were confusing the kids. It has been hell with her ever since. She influenced the kids in such a horrible way, it's just been easier to not see them, and for our part to not put them through her sick head games, so we stay away. I know it kills my husband not to see his kids but she is impossible.
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5-10-2010 @ 12:16PM
Tina said...bblakemore2: These children are suffering because of adults. I feel for you and your husband. Children learn what they live. These kids are getting confused and abandoned, and I assure you they will need therapy, because of anger and bitterness. It doesn't matter what you and you husband do she is going to bash you either way. I am assuming that you avoid seeing the children due to conflict with the ex every time you go over there? I understand and it is horrible for them to have to witness this. Take her back to court and have it court ordered for to meet you at the police department to pick up the kids and always be good to them , never talk bad about her or ask questions about her, show them that you are not the person she wants them to believe you are.
5-10-2010 @ 3:06PM
Annette said...After a month or so of dating I met my stepson when he was 5 years old. Within a few hours he was asleep in my lap! My lap, a stranger's lap, worked for him! Even young children can judge for themselves! Let them see their lives the way they really are!
If mom/dad are now happy, let the kids see that!! I bet they saw and heard all the bad things that have gone on in their own home!
Let your children lead your actions not your own hatred!
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5-10-2010 @ 9:35AM
coz said...divorce is no different then death,,,the kids lose a parent the other moves on and finds someone new,,the kids see him or her as a friend,,how many people in here are having sex in front of the children? you see my point,,,it`s strickly friendship as far as the kids are concerened,,I have been a victim of both when i split with the mother of my child,,she brain washed her,,,said i was a bum,,a drunk,,and wouldnt work,,,the 5 yo didnt know her dad had a suscessful concrete business i never missed a day of work due to being drunk,,needless to say,,,the girl rejected me,,,and i never spoke to her thats been about 20 yrs now
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5-10-2010 @ 9:41AM
Valerie said...As a divorced parent, I think you should NEVER introduce you current whoever to your kids unless it get serious. Do NOT mess with the kid's minds!. They have enough to deal with wanting their moms and dads to get back together. You throw a curve ball at them?? and they you break up and take that away?? It's just mean and selfish. I know if you "are in love" you want to share it with your kids.. but unless you plan on getting married; have talked to the newbie woman/man about how to handle step kids; etc. DO NO DO IT!!! It just messes up the kids!!!
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