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Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Single Parenting, Relationships, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My husband and I are currently in the divorce process and have two young children together. My ex is still seeing the last woman he had an affair with. Is it appropriate for him to have our children around this woman (who coincidentally is recently divorced) when we haven't even finalized the divorce? I can try to set aside my own personal feelings about this, but still want to be sure there are no negative effects on the kids. Thanks.
Signed,
Concerned for the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.
Coming to terms with infidelity, and then adjusting to the reality of a partner's new relationship makes the experience even more difficult. This is especially difficult as you try to navigate the minefield of helping your children adjust, while you attempt to do the same.
Congratulations for keeping your head above water.
Children are innocent bystanders when it comes to the dissolution of their parents' marriage; they didn't sign up for the turmoil or sorrow, yet they are caught smack dab in the middle of it all when divorce happens. They need loving care and support to grieve the many losses that come when their parents separate.
Seeing mommy or daddy in a new romantic relationship is hard on children, but when they have had sufficient time to deal with their feelings, they do tend to adjust. But it takes time for children to move through the anger, frustration and sadness that accompany their adjustment to the divorce.
This means getting to cry or rage with each parent, while being repeatedly reassured that they are loved just the same. It also means having mommy and daddy fully present when they're with the kids, rather than splitting their attention with a "friend."
When a new person is introduced too soon, most children will either openly reject them, or repress their feelings of confusion and upset if they're forced to be nice, potentially fueling issues like depression, defiance, distraction at school, anxiety and sibling rivalry.
I urge you and your spouse to wait at least six months after your divorce before introducing your children to a special someone, and only if the relationship is exclusive, monogamous and serious. It's hard on children to come to terms with the end of their parent's marriage, and harder still to get comfortable with a stepparent.
Give your kids time to accept the divorce, and to forge a solid connection with Mommy and Daddy in the new family configuration. Then, introduce the children to the girlfriend or boyfriend, including them at family outings on occasion, without allowing their presence to monopolize the children's time with their parent. By taking it slow and building a foundation of trust and safety, your children -- like so many others -- will adjust to the divorce and the new partnerships you and their father will eventually form. Give them time, and remember to put their needs first.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
My husband and I are currently in the divorce process and have two young children together. My ex is still seeing the last woman he had an affair with. Is it appropriate for him to have our children around this woman (who coincidentally is recently divorced) when we haven't even finalized the divorce? I can try to set aside my own personal feelings about this, but still want to be sure there are no negative effects on the kids. Thanks.
Signed,
Concerned for the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.
Coming to terms with infidelity, and then adjusting to the reality of a partner's new relationship makes the experience even more difficult. This is especially difficult as you try to navigate the minefield of helping your children adjust, while you attempt to do the same.
Congratulations for keeping your head above water.
Children are innocent bystanders when it comes to the dissolution of their parents' marriage; they didn't sign up for the turmoil or sorrow, yet they are caught smack dab in the middle of it all when divorce happens. They need loving care and support to grieve the many losses that come when their parents separate.
Seeing mommy or daddy in a new romantic relationship is hard on children, but when they have had sufficient time to deal with their feelings, they do tend to adjust. But it takes time for children to move through the anger, frustration and sadness that accompany their adjustment to the divorce.
This means getting to cry or rage with each parent, while being repeatedly reassured that they are loved just the same. It also means having mommy and daddy fully present when they're with the kids, rather than splitting their attention with a "friend."
When a new person is introduced too soon, most children will either openly reject them, or repress their feelings of confusion and upset if they're forced to be nice, potentially fueling issues like depression, defiance, distraction at school, anxiety and sibling rivalry.
I urge you and your spouse to wait at least six months after your divorce before introducing your children to a special someone, and only if the relationship is exclusive, monogamous and serious. It's hard on children to come to terms with the end of their parent's marriage, and harder still to get comfortable with a stepparent.
Give your kids time to accept the divorce, and to forge a solid connection with Mommy and Daddy in the new family configuration. Then, introduce the children to the girlfriend or boyfriend, including them at family outings on occasion, without allowing their presence to monopolize the children's time with their parent. By taking it slow and building a foundation of trust and safety, your children -- like so many others -- will adjust to the divorce and the new partnerships you and their father will eventually form. Give them time, and remember to put their needs first.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 9)
5-10-2010 @ 11:35AM
winkpc20 said...It is not a good idea for a parents to have their lovers go in and out of their children's lives. The parent should see their boy or girl friend privately until it is clear that remarriage seems to be in the cards. However, in any "blended family" the children should come first. Does the "step-parent to be" relate to the children and care about them? If that is not the case the parties should move on.
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5-10-2010 @ 11:48AM
Heathcoat said...OMG, it's amazing how deep the psychobabble can get with some of these doctors. Protecting your kids from reality because its easier seems to be the breakdown of what this doctor is saying, and she sprinkles a healthy dose of fear to make it stick.
Life is chaotic and not like an episode of 7th heaven. Dont bury your kids head in the sand
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5-10-2010 @ 12:08PM
Coop said...Poor Madison - no effect on you whatsoever that your mom has her mate of the week spending the night on an apparently regular basis? That's why 16-year olds are considered children - they don't even know what they don't know yet. You mommy has set you up with a fine example of how to be a slut. Sadly, as one poster comments, mom's lawyer will make the dad out to be the bad guy. Doesn't have to be that way, though. My ex was pulling this crap - even going so far as to tell my kids that they would soon have some "new brothers and sisters" on numerous occasions. The judge was intelligent enough to realize that this wasn't a healthy situation; I've had sole legal and physical custody ever since Day One (with my ex having very limited visitation under supervised conditions).
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5-10-2010 @ 11:54AM
Xavsoc4 said...Everyone is different. Everyone is going to have a different point of view regarding "how one's child should be introduced to their significant other." As a result, everyone's solution may be quite different and arbitrary from someone else solution. To each their own. Doesn't mean that "your" solution is better than mine and vice-versa. Effectiveness is whatever works.
My personal belief: No child should be introduced to one's significant other early on in a new relationship. And when you do, the introduction should be short. And with each meeting after, the time between the child and the significant other can be extended. Case in point... My son's mother and I separated back in 1995 and my son was 3 at the time. I didn't begin to date again until a year later. I dated this woman for 4-5 weeks before I even gave her the opportunity to meet my 4 year old. (Once again, for some of you, 4-5 weeks may be too soon, too late, or just right.) But I made sure that the meeting between the two was a brief encounter. I made arrangements with my girlfriend to meet my son and I at McDonald's for lunch. Well, in actuality, my son and I were going out for lunch (as usual) and my girlfriend just "happened" to go there for lunch too. From my son's point of view, it was a friend bumping into another friend (which was something that my son was used to seeing). At that point, I asked my son if it was okay for her to sit down with us and have lunch. He said, "Yes, daddy." The 3 of us spent about 20 minutes eating together, then for the last 20-30, my son spent his time playing in the jungle gym screaming my name for me to look at him! And there were a couple of times he actually called (unbeknown to him) my girlfriend's name. After he was done playing, my son and I said goodbye to my girlfriend and both parties then parted ways.
The point is... My son did not feel like someone else was intruding on his time with his daddy. AND it gave him the opportunity to ask questions about daddy's friend. No significant questions were asked at first. But as time went on, and he and I started "bumping" into my girlfriend a little bit more, he then began to ask questions like, "Daddy... Where's (let's call her...) "Jen"? Daddy... Do you like "Jen" because I like her? Daddy... Can "Jen" meet us at McDonald's again? Daddy... I'd like to see "Jen". Can you invite her over?" Obviously, my son felt comfortable being around "Jen". "Jen" made my son feel extremely welcome. And the rest is history...
For me... That was effective.
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 11:54AM
Alycia said...I am not divorced and I am not getting a divorce but my parents got a divorce when I was older. I think above all the kids should be considered first. I also think it all depends on your personal situation, personality and the age of the kids- although no matter what age the kids are, the new "friend" is difficult to deal with. My brother and I had a slightly difficult time even though we were older. Even though we didn't have to worry about which parent we stayed with it kind of happened anyway- My father and my brother did not speak to me for over three years until I had my first baby because I still spoke with my mom. I thought my mom was pretty disrespectful moving in with the man she had her "affair" with. My dad cheated on my mom a lot but we never met any of them- that is difficult enough just to know but what my mom did was almost worse in my eyes.
Divorce is extremely difficult even worse when there are children involved, try not to retailiate against the other parent and try not to force the kids to accept anyone new and things can be a lot easier.
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5-10-2010 @ 11:55AM
George said...Wow. I love how this advice columnist does a cookie-cutter answer without knowing the dynamics of the family or the divorce. How can any reputable therapist provide counselling from only four sentences of typed text? Perhaps a better approach would be to meet with all of the parties involved individually and then in groups as many times as needed to discuss what each is feeling. After that, a better evaluation of the situation can be established and a plan to move forward to a healthier and more stable place can be worked out.
Every divorce is different. Every relationship is different. The needs of the children will vary depending on their ages, the emotional impact of the divorce, other things happening in their lives, and factors which can easily be overlooked in 4 sentences. Each situation should be dealt with based on it's unique circumstances. Lose the cookie cutters!
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5-10-2010 @ 11:58AM
kristin said...I totally agree! I have 5 kids from 5 different dudes and all of them hore around with bunches of chicks in front of my kids WHEN they take them. Exept mostly I have to take them mostly ALL the time. Plus they don't pay me sqat. They are all lazy, and I had to put one of them in jail to pay me sumthing. Me I dont get to go out, maybe 2x a week on acount I have to have the kids all the time, so ya I need to bring dudes home but the kids know why, and there dads are no good anyway. Its not rite we women have to do all the work, and never get enuf money and can't go out to have any fun hardly. If u are a mom, u have to do all the work and we shud get paid more like men get paid more.
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5-10-2010 @ 12:31PM
Tara said...5 kids from 5 different guys - and you're worried that the fathers are whores WHEN they see the kids???
These same children are with you ALL the time. When they grow up and lead whorish lifestyles, look at your own behavior - after all, they don't spend much time with their daddies, do they?
Furthermore, you go 'out' twice a week??? You'd like to go 'out' more than twice a week??? I haven't been 'out' without my children in months! My children are my priority, not my nightlife. You really give single mothers a bad name with your ignorance.
5-10-2010 @ 3:01PM
joeobryan said...5 different daddies LMAO and you want pity poor you? Im so sure you feel proud of yourself putting one daddy in jail why not all of them if their not paying. Do you know who the fathers are for the other 4? Listen the I've paid my X over 50k in the last three years and due the economy and informed the courts that the recession was going to kill me and I still went to jail! Then if you even attempt to have a family with a second wife that family doesnt matter! Really you woman crying about money and use the court system that help create parental alienation from the fathers is just wrong. Now on the topic I waited 2 years before my kids even saw me with another woman but still when that day comes the X will ask every question under the sun to those kids because if she cant have you know one will attitude. And my X had an affair with several men and one for 14 years. Im glad Im away from that woman and Ive moved on in life but she cant and Im still dealing with a crazy woman to this day! I will say if over and over Im here to help divorced fathers and stepmothers to not go thru the same crap I have. Read STUPID GUY IN THE MIDWEST on facebook.
5-10-2010 @ 3:16PM
Tina said...LMAO!!! Kristin: you were really just begging for ridicule. I'm glad everyone else have the nerve to tell you exactly what we are all thinking. You and the other chick on here with all those kids and different daddy's really should think twice before putting down your any of your exes. These exes of yours are thinking the exact same thing about you that we all are.
5-10-2010 @ 12:06PM
Angeleys said...My son divorced last year at age 27. I adore his wife and was so saddened by the fact that they couldn't work things out. They have 2 children (at the time they seperated the kids were 5 yrs old and 5 months old) They decided on shared custody with my son having the kids 4 days a week and my daughter in law having the kids 3 days a week. They were amicable in making all their decissions in regard to what was in the best interest of their children. They both were so careful when making their decissions to insure the future happiness and well being of their kids.
My son became involved with someone just a few weeks after seperating and quickly introduced her to his children. In my opinon this was a BIG mistake. He barely knew this girl. 5 months later she moved in. BIGGER mistake! Turns out that they argued constantly and had friction in the house on a daily basis. My grandkids were used to a serene atmosphere in their home (when their mommy lived there) and I noticed my granddaughter was becoming frustrated and unhappy. My son's new girlfriend was NOT a very nice person, quite selfish and basically wanted someone to take care of her, not caring that he already had an infant and a 5 year old to take care of. My granddaughter was also worried that her Mom was alone and was unhappy. Then Mom found a boyfriend. Another BIG mistake. She knew him 10 years ago from high school and knew he had drug and alcohol problems back then. But,in her words, "people change", so after 2 1/2 months of dating she moved him in. 2 weeks after moving him in my granddaughter revealed that mommy's boyfriend was molesting her. He now resides in jail awaiting his trial. By the way, Mom's boyfriend never changed. He continued to abuse alcohol and drugs during her short relationship with her. My now 6 year old granddaughter and lives every single day in fear that this SOB is going to get out of jail, take her and hurt her. My infant grandson, who is now 17 months old calls EVERYONE, Mommy and Daddy.
My POINT is, GET TO KNOW SOMEONE REALLY WELL BEFORE YOU INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR CHILDREN or involve them in new relationships! What is the rush to involve your kids before really getting to know the new person and know where you are heading in a new relationship? Through my son and ex daughter in law's choices their innocent children have suffered consequences that are life altering. So much for all of their careful planning to insure the happiness and well being of their children. All of their "planning" seemed to go to the way side when they began new relationships. BOTH my son and ex daughter in law were at fault for rushing in to new relationships and exposing their kids to people they really didn't know at all. Believe me, they BOTH regret the decissions they made and feel such pain and guilt for the garbage they brought into their kids lives. Exercising patience and good judgement can only benefit children and save everyone from a lifetime of guilt and pain.
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5-10-2010 @ 12:14PM
Kira said...Madison, when I was a teenager I "thought" my parents divorce didn't affect me either. It won't be until later years, when you are trying to form your own relationships that the affects of your parents' divorce will show. Kids often don't "look" like they are suffering and can be masterful at hiding it, or even not aware yet of the impact. I fell into major depression at 22 because I had denied and suppressed all of my feelings. Madison, you are still too young to have decided whether this has affected you or not.
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5-10-2010 @ 12:14PM
Laurie said...kristin 5-10-2010 @ 11:58AM
I totally agree! I have 5 kids from 5 different dudes and all of them hore around with bunches of chicks in front of my kids WHEN they take them. Exept mostly I have to take them mostly ALL the time. Plus they don't pay me sqat. They are all lazy, and I had to put one of them in jail to pay me sumthing. Me I dont get to go out, maybe 2x a week on acount I have to have the kids all the time, so ya I need to bring dudes home but the kids know why, and there dads are no good anyway. Its not rite we women have to do all the work, and never get enuf money and can't go out to have any fun hardly. If u are a mom, u have to do all the work and we shud get paid more like men get paid more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Are you insane???
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5-10-2010 @ 1:29PM
King John said...I've been married twice, divorced once and separated presently, so obviously I have flaws either in choices or as being a good pardner in life. I believe the issue here is every situation is different and should be addressed as such. My first wife was divorced (very soon after we were together) she had two children from her first marraige and we had one after two years. I have never seen anyone as venomous to a exspouse as she was, I tried to calm the tantrums toward her ex-husband (they were also unfounded) for the sake of my step children and was somewhat successful, however when we divorced I found out I was a terrible human being same as her first husband, so after two years of my daugher hearing the vile desipable lies told about me I decided my ex would hopefully be a better parent if she didn't have me to whip in front of the child, (I supported financaly but refused to be part of the mind games with the child as a pawn) I like to think it made my daugters life better but truthfully I'll never know. By the way, before I'm beat up on this blog I never once cheated on my ex, however her married boyfriend used to visit 2-3 times per week before we seperated. My second wife was a different story completely, we raised a fine son (still lives with me) Rita's heart lies in the midwest were she's happest I'm a westerner at heart and always will be, so we agreed that every one deserves to be as happy as possible and no reason for animosity, wish it could have been that way first time.
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5-10-2010 @ 12:47PM
Masked Marvel said...UNCLE DICK SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH BRINGING GIRL FRIENDS INTO THE HOME. HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME. HIS WIFE UNDERSTANDS AND SO DO THE KIDS. UNCLE DICK IS A SEXY, DESIRABLE MAN THAT CAN NOT BE TIED DOWN TO ONE WOMAN. HIS WIFE IS ONLY TOO GLAD WHEN HE GETS AROUND TO HER.
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5-10-2010 @ 1:03PM
weezyk111 said...My husband's first wife moved the new boyfriend/guy she cheated on him with the same day he moved out. They actually passed each other on the porch at one point, arms laden with boxes. His sons were 3 and 6 at the time. Piece of work, isn't she?
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5-10-2010 @ 1:07PM
A said...It is funny that this article questions the MAN for bringing his new girlfriend home. There should be more emphasis on the woman, cause we all know how easy it is for the woman to go right out, find a new man and try to push that man on her kid so he will like him and she can get her new life started and leave the old one behind. Women are SNAKES and if they are not happy, then they will hurt everyone they ever said they cared about until they find the next place they say they are "Happy" with. Its only about what they want and it doesn't matter who they hurt just so they are happy. Women make me sick!!!!!!!!!!! They are only really useful to look at!
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5-10-2010 @ 1:02PM
Bruce said...Statistics show that the divorce is usually the woman's idea. So, she should get over herself and deal with it. It really sucks when you get what you want doesn't it?
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5-10-2010 @ 1:07PM
A said...I agree with Bruce, a woman is happy as long as the man is miserable. However, when the man finally finds someone to treat him right, then the woman wants the man back, EVERYTIME, they are only happy when they are the ONLY 1's happy.
Women are evil.
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5-10-2010 @ 4:28PM
me said...Why are we so obsesswed with kids these days. They are overrated. Maybe the reason why some parents get divorces is BECAUSE of the kids. ha.
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