11 Mother's Day Gifts That Will Kill Your Sex Life (We're Talking to You, Dad)

Filed under: Holidays, Funny Stuff, Fashion


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Dear husbands, dads, and significant others,

This is just a friendly little reminder: Mother's Day is coming up, and a nice, thoughtful gift would be greatly appreciated by the moms in your life. The key words here: Nice. Thoughtful. So unless your overworked, underpaid, sleep-deprived personal chef, cleaning woman, nanny, laundress, travel agent, personal assistant wife specifically requests one of the gifts on the list below, do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Repeat: Do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Unless, of course, you never want to have sex again. Ever.

Sincerely,

Moms everywhere

1. Exercise equipment or a gym membership. If you actually think this is a good idea, try this little test first. The next time your wife asks you if a certain article of clothing makes her look fat, say, "Yes."

2. A puppy. Let's see, she'll have to walk it in the pouring rain at 2 a.m., feed it, potty-train it, and listen to it whine in the middle of the night. It's just like giving her another kid.

3. A trip to Disneyland ... with the kids, without you. For that matter, a fun day anywhere alone with the kids. Most moms get that every day -- and we love it, we do, but on Mother's Day? Not so much.

4. #1 Mom emblazoned anything -- T-shirts, mugs, pencils, aprons, and the like. Tacky, tacky, tacky. She still has the one you gave her last year stashed in the "Yard Sale" pile in the garage.

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5. A lawn mower, weed wacker (or anything else you secretly desire). She doesn't want it -- no matter how shiny it is or how much noise it makes. Put it on your Father's Day wish list and step away from the chainsaw.

6. Plastic surgery -- a tummy tuck, a boob job, Botox for those "awful wrinkles," and the biggest no-no of all: Something that will make her va-jay-jay a little tighter. Don't even go there.

7. A lovely Mother's Day brunch for two -- your wife and your mother. This isn't the best day to test your "if only they'd spend some quality alone-time with each other, they'd really get along" theory. Chances are, your wife is getting all the quality time with your mom that she wants.

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8. Clothes that don't fit. And by "don't fit," we mean anything that's too small. If you're going to buy clothes, buy big. She'll be perfectly happy to exchange something for a smaller size.

9. A vacuum cleaner or any other "helpful" household appliance. It's a cliche, but some of you still don't get it. It's like your boss giving you work to take home on a weekend. If you think the house needs cleaning, clean it (now that's a nice gift).

10. A porn movie. She doesn't want to see it, and no, it wouldn't be better if you threw in some lingerie. If you get her anything else on this list, though, you'll need the porn -- for yourself.

11. A scale. Have you learned nothing yet? Please see #1.

Remember, sex or no sex. The choice is yours. We know you'll do the right thing.

Moms, do you have anything to add to the list?

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Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.