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11 Mother's Day Gifts That Will Kill Your Sex Life (We're Talking to You, Dad)
Filed under: Holidays, Funny Stuff, Fashion
Our good friends at The Stir have created a place where moms can meet and talk about life, parenting and the parenting life. We think they have a lot of great stuff to say, and so we're thrilled to be offering some of their posts right here at ParentDish! Please give them a warm welcome.
Dear husbands, dads, and significant others,
This is just a friendly little reminder: Mother's Day is coming up, and a nice, thoughtful gift would be greatly appreciated by the moms in your life. The key words here: Nice. Thoughtful. So unless your overworked, underpaid, sleep-deprived personal chef, cleaning woman, nanny, laundress, travel agent, personal assistant wife specifically requests one of the gifts on the list below, do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Repeat: Do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Unless, of course, you never want to have sex again. Ever.
Sincerely,
Moms everywhere
1. Exercise equipment or a gym membership. If you actually think this is a good idea, try this little test first. The next time your wife asks you if a certain article of clothing makes her look fat, say, "Yes."
2. A puppy. Let's see, she'll have to walk it in the pouring rain at 2 a.m., feed it, potty-train it, and listen to it whine in the middle of the night. It's just like giving her another kid.
3. A trip to Disneyland ... with the kids, without you. For that matter, a fun day anywhere alone with the kids. Most moms get that every day -- and we love it, we do, but on Mother's Day? Not so much.
4. #1 Mom emblazoned anything -- T-shirts, mugs, pencils, aprons, and the like. Tacky, tacky, tacky. She still has the one you gave her last year stashed in the "Yard Sale" pile in the garage.
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5. A lawn mower, weed wacker (or anything else you secretly desire). She doesn't want it -- no matter how shiny it is or how much noise it makes. Put it on your Father's Day wish list and step away from the chainsaw.
6. Plastic surgery -- a tummy tuck, a boob job, Botox for those "awful wrinkles," and the biggest no-no of all: Something that will make her va-jay-jay a little tighter. Don't even go there.
7. A lovely Mother's Day brunch for two -- your wife and your mother. This isn't the best day to test your "if only they'd spend some quality alone-time with each other, they'd really get along" theory. Chances are, your wife is getting all the quality time with your mom that she wants.
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8. Clothes that don't fit. And by "don't fit," we mean anything that's too small. If you're going to buy clothes, buy big. She'll be perfectly happy to exchange something for a smaller size.
9. A vacuum cleaner or any other "helpful" household appliance. It's a cliche, but some of you still don't get it. It's like your boss giving you work to take home on a weekend. If you think the house needs cleaning, clean it (now that's a nice gift).
10. A porn movie. She doesn't want to see it, and no, it wouldn't be better if you threw in some lingerie. If you get her anything else on this list, though, you'll need the porn -- for yourself.
11. A scale. Have you learned nothing yet? Please see #1.
Remember, sex or no sex. The choice is yours. We know you'll do the right thing.
Moms, do you have anything to add to the list?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 8)
5-07-2010 @ 8:59PM
R said...WHAT SEX LIFE??????????????????
Reply
5-08-2010 @ 8:42AM
gkj111 said...Who writes this crap? This whole article is a cliche.
5-08-2010 @ 8:50AM
Simzee said...I do not buy gifts for my Mother anymore. Not since she did'nt use the coffin I bought for her ten years ago. Why would someone say this about their Mother? My Mother is a NUT CASE...She refuses to see a head Dr. & I refuse to be responsible.
5-08-2010 @ 9:04AM
Carla said...I am a dead man.. i got my wife a cookbook that was so funny and so politically incorrect that I can't tell you the name of it.. but google "whipped and beaten culinary works if you want to find it...but don't go if you can't take a joke or get offended easily! She is either going to love me or really really really hate me!
5-08-2010 @ 9:26AM
aspensecrist said...Clothes that are too big? INSULTING!!!!
5-08-2010 @ 11:01AM
Rusty said...If your not getting any, maybe you should look elsewhere.....interested?
5-08-2010 @ 11:52AM
tom said...I do not get my Wife gifts on Mothers Day.
She is not my Mother...she is my WIFE.
I guess some people do not know the difference.
5-08-2010 @ 11:53AM
Eric Johnson said...The best present ,is picket out by the kids,Good dads go shopping with the children and let there creativity speak out,This isn't valentines day,it is about her childrens love
5-08-2010 @ 11:29AM
Ron said...You too huh? I've got a 25th wedding anniversary coming up in July and the other half wants a new big-ass ring but she sure isn't working for it! I haven't had any since the end of January!
It would have been a lot cheaper to get a hooker and a maid.
5-08-2010 @ 12:55PM
Cathy said...Men, sorry, but you don't get this at all ! It's not about the present on Mother's Day! If you treated your wife the way you should EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE sex or "what present to give her to get sex" would not be an issue. What does she really want? She wants you to know, every day, that she loves you! Sex is not the "sign" that you are loved. Raising children is exhausting - period. So, what do we need? We need you to give us understanding and all the help you can every single day of the year to make it through this season of life. Trust me, when the kids are older (or better yet out of the house) you will once again regain that "honeymoon" phase you so desperately want. As women we can only do so much. So, you want more sex? Give your wife the attention she needs, give her the help around the house and with the kids that she needs, give her time to relax after her busy day, and understand, even with all of the above, her energy has limitations. Be patient, know that she loves you no matter what, and love her NO MATTER HOW MUCH SEX YOU HAVE. This is only a season of life and this too shall pass.... much quicker than you ever imagined! And, yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I'm almost 50 and my husband is enjoying the best sex life he's ever had, including our honeymoon!
5-08-2010 @ 1:08PM
adrian said...then what the hell am i supposed to give her, doesn't say anything her about giving my wife a snickers bar, i guess ill just do that since this article is so correct on what women don't want.
5-08-2010 @ 2:45PM
Jackie Butler said...This is really a reply to Tom-" she's not my Mother, she's my Wife" DUDE! If she has been your Wife for long or will be for much longer then the chances are huge that YOU made her a Mom! Therefore a gift of thanks ( for ruining her mind and body by delivering and raising your child ) is all but required! Not to mention the fact that IF you two do have kids, next month-when it's Father's Day-who do you think will lead the charge and tell the kids " let's do something nice for Daddy" ?? Not your own Momma! She's too busy comtemplating ways to make you look good to your own Dad! Or his memory if he is deceased! Mothers' Day is simply a gesture to make some teeny tiny effort on behalf of the women who bring forth your family and stay with you to take care of you when you get sick and old. Why do you think men marry? It starts for sex but by the time you are 80-I betcha you would have looked to her for some Mothering at least once in your life. So respect that girl, ok? We are not what you see on tv! We would love someone to actually vaccum the house, wash the dishes-hey man, my son is out side right now doing an oil change on my Chevy and my other son is weed whacking my yard! It means so much to me! For 3k miles I can drive safe and for about a week my yard looks so pretty! That is gift enough for me! Happy Mothers' Day to your good wife and to every woman out there!
5-08-2010 @ 3:28PM
carl said...Everyone here is GAY
5-08-2010 @ 6:15AM
J said...The thing I think that would kill it faster than anything?
Nothing.
Give her nothing, you'll probably get none in return.
Reply
5-08-2010 @ 6:14AM
The Sarge said...Here is a great Idea that one of the other readers lead me to in another post and found on E-bay:
cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=290432248851&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT
This is a real winner, so I figure you can not go wrong, even if it is running a bit late ;)
Reply
5-08-2010 @ 6:31AM
Robbie said...No. 8: You are absoulutely wrong! When in doubt, buy small! When she says " Honey, this is a size six, and I wear a size ten," you just say, "well, I told the saleslady that she appeared to be the same size as you, so this is what she gave me." Your wife will LOVE that in your eyes, she's still a size six (or whatever two sizes too small is)! Unless, of course, she has repeatedly mentioned her correct size in front of you, in which case you'll get credit for paying attention!
Reply
5-08-2010 @ 2:50PM
Colorphased1231 said...Guys, word from the wise. . . Just stay away from clothes all together unless you're a fashion consultant! But, if that's the way you'd like to go a nice gift card to one of her favorite places (and I don't mean Walmart or anyplace you can buy a t-shirt and bananas at the same time) slipped inside a card works just fine. Usually something with a little more thought and effort is better appreciated, though. ;) Something special and just for her.
5-08-2010 @ 11:17AM
roo said...Robbie, #10, I agree with you. I'd have a cow if someone brought me something too large. Too small is far more flattering, even if it's a complete fantasy.
5-08-2010 @ 11:53AM
undrgrndgirl said...careful...you could be accused of ogling the salesperson...if you can its better to buy the correct size - going to exchange something is a pain in the you know what...just look in her closet for something that you know fits and look at the tag (duh)...
5-08-2010 @ 1:23PM
kristin said...you are totally right!!!! :o)