My 9-Year-Old has a Sassy, Bad Attitude!

Your post made me smile. I was a single dad. When my kids were young, we had a rule--Dad had spontaneous deafness. I used to tell them I "couldn't hear" tantrums, whining or smart alecky statments--especially when they wanted something. They quickly learned that the only way my hearing came back is when they composed themselves and asked in a polite and non-dramatic way. It's so funny to see my own daughter doing that with her daughter now.

I am a firm believer in ignoring what you don't like hearing. Make no comment. The mistake is trying to correct or change what your child has said. I often hear other parents tell their child " we don't use that word" "or was that a nice thing to say." That doesn't say you repect your child when you do that. Isn't respecting you child the most important thing you can do as a parent.

To Andrew.. I love it, but you have crushed my feeling of originality :). When my 5 yo son whines at me, I look at him and say "I'm sorry, I don't speak whine.. Could you repeat that in English please?" Works like a charm.

..or...you can spat that butt, when necessary. I enjoyed the article and was reminded of the actress who plays the mom in those "roll-over-minutes"commercials. The look she gives her son still makes me cringe. I remember my mom had that same look when we crossed the line. (we called it..The BEAR!) Nothing more needed to be said..and we sure didn't say anything in return. Nuff Said!

Now, you are a smart woman! When my son was 3 or 4, I used your exact words to break him of the whining habit. You could save a lot of parents aggravation & trips to behavioral therapists.

Gabbie: I agree with most of what you said. The only thing that confused me was the doing chores builds respect for parents. From my experience, A parent gets respect from making friends with their children, not making them do chores for free. Personally, I respect my mother and does what she asks of me (more often than I used to) because she was the only family member to show an interest in me as a person. She did so by hearing me sing (i'm a singer) and giving me her opinion. No one else did that and really respected me, so i grew respect for my mom. I also grew respect in noticing that she never assigns me daily chores, as she wants me to live life freely and to work hard in school - plus she's a workaholic around the house. My dad and I don't really get along and is always blaming me for everything so i dont have respect for him and whenever he wants me to do something I do my best to hold it off as long as i can because we aren't friends. we just live under the same roof. Anyways. my point is that a kid respects their parent out of friendship with their parent, not out of washing dishes. that's my opinion anyways. feel free to comment, I'd love to hear other's opinions on this.

I agree with many things that are being said. A child who throws tantrums is looking for attention, so giving in or giving attention is only going to enhance the problem. When I was a teenager, I took a course with my Girl Scout troup on babysitting, and the one thing that they told us is that the best way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore the child. If a child doesn't get the attention, he will give up faster.
As far as chores go, that isn't something that should be used for dealing with bad attitudes, but it needs to be used to teach responsibility. If a child doesn't learn to do chores early in life, he/she is likely to live in poor conditions later on in life. So even if the child has a "work-a-holic" parent who does all the cleaning, that child has to learn to do for himself. My youngest niece never had to do much early on, and now that she is a middle teen, she has very poor work ethics in helping to keep house or anything, therefore she tends to be lazy and want others to do things for her. Since she is only 2 years away from college age, she is going to have a nasty wake-up call if she doesn't start to work on other things, she is going to be in a dorm eventually and she will have to learn to do for herself then!

AMEN......

It sounds as if you should take over the show Supernanny, I heard she wants to retire. I guess a person can only take so many years of dealing with spoiled bratty obnoxious children. Your techniques sound right on the mark. Many years ago while being a drug & alcohol counselor for the Army (as a civilian) I took a PET course. That stands for Parent Effectiveness Training and this is basically the sort of thing they taught. The very basics were be consistent and follow through. For the most part, mean what you say and say what you mean. If you tell a child this consequence will happen if they don't do something, follow through with it, don't make the threat 15 times and then never do it. Kids learn VERY fast you never mean what you say. Next, be consistent, don't punish a behavior one time and let a child get away with it the next. Anyone who knows bavhior training will tell you that is the hardest way to change anyone or anything's behavior. (Behavior training is used with training dogs). Finally, never get into a childish shouting match with your child. Screaming, yelling, threatening, guilt trips and all that stuff NEVER work. Take my word for it, that has been my mother's technique to things for 50 years now. I'm 48 years old and she still tries to pull her "tantrums" and guilt trips on me. And many times that "because I say so" often doesn't work. Kids today aren't dumb, they want to know WHY they have to do things. Even if you have to make up a reason, give them one. I firmly believe that every school system in America should have both middle school and high school kids spend so many hours a day in charge (with supervision of course) with very young children. Teaching them about child-rearing. After all, We're trained in this country for every thing a person can imagine. We need license and permits for EVERYTHING we do, and yet, the one MOST important job any human being can have, being a parent, we just toss people in the deep end with no help at all. I realize that children don't come with instruction manuals, but there are basics that work with 99% of children. It's obvious that parents today just aren't getting it, kids and families are more messed up now than ever before in the history of our country. So it makes sense we need to try something. Common sense doesn't exist in our country anymore, so it's time to actually start "teaching" people how to be good parents.

I hope when she asks you for a favor, you either do the same to her, tell her in a minute and then don't do it. Or tell her you won't be doing her any favors until she starts showing you some consideration. You don't have to be angry, just firm and consistant.

I totally agree with you..I believe in setting strong limits and boundaries, and mine is 16 so yes, if that 9 year old is like that now, wait till SHE is 16........GOOD LUCK!! I think nowadays moms try too hard to be friends with their kids, and they SHOULD NOT BE THEIR FRIEND, SUPPOSE TO BE THE PARENT.

Dr. Kris, I respectfully disagree. You may be a grandma and you may have all kinds of degrees, but you're not entirely on the mark here, at least not for every child. How you handle these situations depends a lot on the particular kid.

Children have different needs in terms of discipline, because they have different personalities and different strengths. I have two daughters, 12 and almost 15. My oldest is much like the child in question here, and my youngest is nearly always cooperative and compliant.

While it is important to ask for respect, yes, it is also important that a child feel safe at home to blow off the pent-up steam from the day - if s/he is an intense kind of kid. My oldest and I have those head-butting spats sometimes, but she is an amazing child, a straight-A student, responsible babysitter, who is adored by teachers and other adults. I think if a child is capable of behaving well in other environments, you've done your job well as a parent. I am willing to take a bit of the sass from my daughter as she goes through her developmental phases if it keeps us close and communicating. (And by "take it" I mean respond with the raised eyebrow and nothing more). Drives me crazy sometimes, but she knows she cannot walk all over me. Still, I am not the warden, I am her mother who loves her unconditionally.

She knows when she's crossed the line and I do get a hug and an apology. We talk about it, we figure out ways to better handle a situation next time, etc. But I imagine we'll always have those spats. If her impulse control and hormones were all in perfect harmony, she'd be all grown up and no longer need to be parented.

My youngest is just hitting that phase of hormonal surges, and she will escape quietly to her room til she feels "normal" again. No fights or arguments, and she does almost anything I ask. That is simply who she is - a contented kid who lives to make others happy as well. Her sister does see that this cooperative attitude does put mom in a better mood, and I make sure to explain that if oldest accuses me of playing favorites. She's figuring it out. They get along well and are each other's biggest fan and protector.

I can't take credit for the wonderful people they are, but I do think my guidance is helping them make the most of their gifts. We do alright, without lots of rules and boundaries and lines drawn in the sand.

Right on. All this namby pamby psychobabble makes me sick. Her attitude should be tolerated or ignored in the hopes it will just go away. It won't. It will be come worse as she gets older. I've got a wooden spoon with her name on it.