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My 9-Year-Old has a Sassy, Bad Attitude!
Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 9-year-old daughter is very sassy. She isn't disrespectful in what she says; it's the tone and attitude she uses when she says it. If I ask her to pick up her shoes, her reply is "Allllrrriight" instead of "All right!" I get so many compliments from outsiders of how she has great manners, and is so respectful and helpful. What can I do? Everyone tells me it's the age.
Signed,
Sassy's Mom
Dear Sassy's Mom,
Isn't it strange how children seem to operate from two different rule books? One tells them how to behave when they're out in public, and the other lets them know what they can get away with at home.
Your question will resonate with millions of parents who often find themselves listening in disbelief as their teacher goes on and on about how cooperative their child is, and what a pleasure he or she is to have around. "Are you sure you're talking about my child?" they ask, convinced that the little darling being described bears no resemblance to the one who lives under their roof.
When children are at home their behavior can be dramatically different than it is when they are elsewhere. The region of the brain that manages inhibitions and impulse control (the pre-frontal cortex) is "on duty" when a child is out and about; mild anxiety about upsetting other adults makes them more vigilant about what they do or say.
But when that same child is home and knows he or she is safe, you might say that the instinct to carefully govern what they do or say is "off duty."
This is not to say that children should be permitted to speak rudely or behave inappropriately when they're home. It's just a way of helping you understand why your daughter may be sloppier with her manners when she is with you.
Another element to consider is the way you react to her sassiness. I often say that I'm a big fan of the "arched eyebrow." Rather than engaging in lectures about why she shouldn't speak to you a certain way, simply look at her with an eyebrow raised, and don't say a word. Let her know by the look on your face that she's crossed a line, and don't encourage her pre-adolescent "attitude" by responding with drama and fanfare.
Finally, look at the quality of connection between the two of you. While it's true that children do test the waters and experiment with being edgier as they move toward adolescence, when they feel seen, cherished and enjoyed by their caregivers, they are less comfortable being disrespectful toward them.
Avoid taking your daughter's behavior too seriously -- or too personally. All children test their parents to see where the line is. Keep your connection strong, don't react in a way that fuels her sassy attitude, and things will get better.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 8)
5-13-2010 @ 9:16AM
Mike said...I agree with Grandma!!. and based on what I've read in all these comments.......if would appear to me that very few parents at there have any idea on reaising kids. That's obviously why so many of them are screwed up today. Kids will do and continue to do whatever you, the parent, let them do and get away with. It's not your kids, it's you and how you raise them. Whoops, I forgot, you parents out there want to blame everyone else for your kids bad behavior and obviously, you want to take credit for the good stuff. As long as you let them get away with it, they're going to do it. As long as the behaviour goes unchecked or you feel the need to have a long one-on-one "counseling session" or "talk" with your behaving badly child, that's as far as you will ever get. You talk, they listen and then they go right back out there and do it all over again. That worked didn't it? And if you're dealing with a 9 year old....waiting until she's 12 and beyond.
5-10-2010 @ 4:24PM
David S. said...What the hell is wrong with you? You have some deeply-rooted problems. Hope you get the help you need....
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 4:46PM
noel said..."The Look" as described was very effective for three generations in our house. No hassle, no backtalk, and no matter what was going on, the mothers Look was effective.
Reply
5-12-2010 @ 9:31PM
TheDiamondPrincess said...I would NEVER f*ck with "the look" upon the pain of promptly getting my my a$$ beat when I got home.
5-12-2010 @ 9:54PM
doc said...ah yes, "the look", when the kids we're being little buttheads to my wife, all she had to do was invoke "daddy" and i'd give 'em "the look".
'nuff said, whatever it was, it was over instantly...funny, i never once had to spank either of them.
5-10-2010 @ 5:03PM
Don Sherline said...In Reply To: kip 5-10-2010 @ 4:14PM
Based on your remark I'd say that your parents were weak and an obvious failure with you.
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 5:27PM
Mary Brook said...Pretty harsh word from someone who can't use the spell check. Parenting is hard work. Every kid is different. Your suggestions lack merit.
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 5:31PM
Billie Jo said...I taught my daughter to be respectful to me and others by teaching her the "do unto others as you want them to do to you". When my daughter shows me attitude or has an attitude that I feel is disrespectful (especially in public) I quietly remind her that her behavior is embaressing for both of us and that next time I am with her somewhere she wants to be or with her friends that I can do something to embaress her.Her behavior and attitude quickly come in check.
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 5:35PM
marroyoruiz said...Pretty harsh words from someone who cannot use the spell check. Every child is different and they do not come with instructions.
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5-10-2010 @ 5:48PM
Tami said...lol...well. I can see that you are well educated and an expert in child rearing. Maybe you should learn basic things such as spelling before you put other people down for ANYTHING. "Manshion" is correctly spelled: mansion.
Moron...
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 6:00PM
Tammy said...I remember I could get sassy and was told so when I would. But I remember one time imparticular I had gotten home from school and was trying to relate something to my Mother, something I was upset about and she just wasn't getting it. I became a little mouthy in trying to get her to understand. My Dad had just gotten home from work and had no idea what was going on all he heard was that I was getting mouthy. Suddenly he came out of nowhere and gave me a huge smack across the mouth. His fingerprints remainded on my face for hours. Anyway I was so angry and frustrated at the whole situation for #1 not being understood and #2 that he would come out of nowhere and do that to me when he had no idea what was going on. Needless to say I ran upstairs and slammed my bedroom door and flung myself on my bed and sobbed. I wouldn't come down for dinner I was so angry at my Dad. My Mom came up later and was very nice and said she saved dinner for me if I would like to come down to eat. I did, but I wouldn't say good night to my Dad that night or get near him because I was so hurt and angry towards what he did. I was 11 at the time. We need to use discretion with our children. Sometimes there are things going on behind the scenes and things aren't always what they appear to be.
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5-10-2010 @ 6:09PM
Mary Rose said...Start educating the brat that she needs to treat those family members who love her with more respect and affection than she does strangers. If you do not start teaching her that this type of behavior is unacceptable around family, then she will have a difficult time in an long term intimate relationships with a future mate, husband, and her own children. I realize that it is a long way off, but you have to nip it in the bud at an early age or else she have problems further down the road. If she watches reality television shows, then stop letting her. Kids learn how to treat others by observing. Take a good hard look at how your other family members behave and make any changes if necessary.
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5-10-2010 @ 6:20PM
Tom said...My kids are in their late 20's and early 30's and the raised eye brow reponse to their comments or behavior we don't care for or tolerate works as well today as it did when they were adolescents and teenagers. No words needed....no yelling, screaming, threats or escalation of the situation. They know they crossed a line. End of story.
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5-10-2010 @ 6:21PM
Eric Johnson said...three strikes and you get a spanking,unruly 9 year olds are testing boarders and get worse if not corrected! looking around to see if she has someone in her life who exhibits this type of behavior might be an avenue worth exploring
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5-10-2010 @ 9:09PM
Linda said...I raised 4 girls and a boy. Sassing wasn't a problem after toddlerhood with any of them. Just the threat of "I need to wash your mouth out with soap" was enough. Whinning was always rewarded with a "No", but not whinning was not always rewarded with a "yes" either. These children were born between 1962 and 1974. The boy is the only one that ever threw a "fall down, kick and scream" tantrum, and I simply walked away, but kept an eye on him (we were in a market and he wanted a toy off the rack). That was the 1st and last of his tantrums. They weren't perfect children by any means, but they were a blessing and a joy to have. Now that they're grown, they are all very good to me. I have a wonderful grandson that is growing up with the manners and respect that he's learning from his Mom, my daughter, and his step-dad. (his own Dad died when my grandson was 10 in 2008.). Good luck to all you parents raising children in this day and age.
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5-10-2010 @ 7:25PM
Reb said...When you hear the sassy tone, stop the child, and say "I'm sorry, would you repeat that, I don't think I heard you right." If the child repeats the sassy tone, explain to the child that you will not tolerate his or her replay in that tone of voice and punish with a demerit (less allowance, sent to room with no computer, etc.,). If you stop them each time and make it a point to correct them and after they see the consequences of their actions, the sassiness will stop. You may have to work on this a few time..it won't happen overnight!
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5-10-2010 @ 7:32PM
linemanron said...Two words, ...... Cesar Milan. The man's a genius. I cannot thank him enough for fixing my little Erik. Before Cesar came along Erik treated me like an illegal immigrant now he treats me like a legal immigrant. Thank you Cesar, Thank you!
Reply
5-10-2010 @ 7:43PM
abtru said...I have four children ranging from teen to pre-k years and I have always used that "LOOK" and a simple excuse me. They all take a step back and start over in a nicer tone because they know that if they continue with what they are saying or how they were saying it they are in for serious problems. All it takes is getting the acceptable and unacceptable behaviors listed and then letting them know that they will be in trouble for the rule breaking. Just make sure you stick with what you say and not to let it slide for any reason.
Reply
5-12-2010 @ 8:07PM
skinconcept101 said...There's a new Q&A site, and everyone is welcome to join it. You can ask and answer questions or become an expert. They have qualified Experts who will answer your questions on any topic for free. They would greatly appreciate it if you join the site to ask questions and mingle with the members.
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Reply
5-12-2010 @ 8:32PM
Lisa said...We sat our then 6 yr old daughter down and told her that her meanness/sassiness at home was out of control. We told her that we couldn't understand how she could be so well-behaved at school, but when she got home she turned into a whole different kid. She told us, with no hesitation, that she "held it in all day and it leaked out when she got home". She's now 19, and other than typical teenage angst, all is well.
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