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My 9-Year-Old has a Sassy, Bad Attitude!
Filed under: Expert Advice: Big Kids, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 9-year-old daughter is very sassy. She isn't disrespectful in what she says; it's the tone and attitude she uses when she says it. If I ask her to pick up her shoes, her reply is "Allllrrriight" instead of "All right!" I get so many compliments from outsiders of how she has great manners, and is so respectful and helpful. What can I do? Everyone tells me it's the age.
Signed,
Sassy's Mom
Dear Sassy's Mom,
Isn't it strange how children seem to operate from two different rule books? One tells them how to behave when they're out in public, and the other lets them know what they can get away with at home.
Your question will resonate with millions of parents who often find themselves listening in disbelief as their teacher goes on and on about how cooperative their child is, and what a pleasure he or she is to have around. "Are you sure you're talking about my child?" they ask, convinced that the little darling being described bears no resemblance to the one who lives under their roof.
When children are at home their behavior can be dramatically different than it is when they are elsewhere. The region of the brain that manages inhibitions and impulse control (the pre-frontal cortex) is "on duty" when a child is out and about; mild anxiety about upsetting other adults makes them more vigilant about what they do or say.
But when that same child is home and knows he or she is safe, you might say that the instinct to carefully govern what they do or say is "off duty."
This is not to say that children should be permitted to speak rudely or behave inappropriately when they're home. It's just a way of helping you understand why your daughter may be sloppier with her manners when she is with you.
Another element to consider is the way you react to her sassiness. I often say that I'm a big fan of the "arched eyebrow." Rather than engaging in lectures about why she shouldn't speak to you a certain way, simply look at her with an eyebrow raised, and don't say a word. Let her know by the look on your face that she's crossed a line, and don't encourage her pre-adolescent "attitude" by responding with drama and fanfare.
Finally, look at the quality of connection between the two of you. While it's true that children do test the waters and experiment with being edgier as they move toward adolescence, when they feel seen, cherished and enjoyed by their caregivers, they are less comfortable being disrespectful toward them.
Avoid taking your daughter's behavior too seriously -- or too personally. All children test their parents to see where the line is. Keep your connection strong, don't react in a way that fuels her sassy attitude, and things will get better.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 8)
5-12-2010 @ 9:49PM
Linda LaPlante said...I have been teaching 1st grade for 18 years and I have to say that the one thing that makes my job harder than ever before is the lack of respect. Each day I spend 30-60 minutes of our learning time asking students to pay attention, stop talking, stop playing around and be respectful and kind to me and to each other. If children were expected to be respectful at home, it would be more natural for them to be respectful in public. I agree, that at home they feel more comfortable, and that's as it should be, but when parents allow arguing, whining and non-compliance it spills over into the classroom.
If you want for your child to get the most out of their education, draw tight boundaries for them and teach them to respect you.
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5-12-2010 @ 9:50PM
Jusus said...You can get a kid to do anything if you hit them hard enough.
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5-12-2010 @ 9:52PM
TheDiamondPrincess said...I can assure that there are many homes where it was better without the other parent. There are also many single moms/dads that have raised their children to be respectful and well behaved. It's Right Wing, Bible thumping (and yes I AM a Christian), a$$holes like you that make it hard for single parents doing the best they can. I sincerely hope one day, for your sake, that you get a taste of your own medicine!
Two-Let's look at this situation. While I had BOTH mother and father in the home growing up, I was raised partially by a nanny, and spent the rest of my time in daycare. But when I needed and wanted my parent's the most, they were there. I turned out semi okay. I admit I have my flaws.
My best guy friend also had BOTH mother and father in the home. His mother was a hard working woman and his dad a alcoholic and crack head who was abusive to the family. In the early days he and his brother spent time with their grandfather while their mother worked and their father did whatever. When their grandfather died of a sudden heart attack, it was up to him to take over taking care of the household and his brother. He works two jobs after school and rarely sees his mother or father. He helps pays the bills. He is one of the best males God could have put on earth. He is respectful and has never talked back to either of his parents that I have seen. EVEN his father who has beat, spit,yelled and done everything in his power to break him.
He has never been disrespectful through all of that, whereas I have never had to endure that and I argue with my parents on a daily basis.
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5-12-2010 @ 9:54PM
BUST@SS said...BUST THAT ASS AND TELL HER TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND DO AS I SAY OR YOU'LL GET ANOUTHER ONE...... AMAZING... HOW WELL THIS WORKS.... WORKED ON ME AND MY SIBLINGS
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5-12-2010 @ 9:56PM
Nizy said...Back in the good old days before the term "politically correct" wasn't even a thought, my mom always used the "smack in back of the head method" of psychology to snap me out of it. It worked great on me as well as my brother. With this more than ever lazy, self centered, big mouth, know it all and sense of entitlement younger generation, that as a whole, WILL NOT be better off than the generation before them, that smack in back of the head method is needed now more than ever before. And if the "smack in back of the head method" didn't work it was "wait till your father gets home". And once he got home, all my "psychological" problems were solved.
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5-12-2010 @ 11:39PM
Mindy said...Ya know what's really funny? Every single generation since the beginning of recorded time has lamented the lazy, entitled younger generation. Writings of Socrates say the same thing!
Personally, I think today's kids are going to save the world that our generations have almost destroyed. The boomers were the entitled ones. We've (and I am one) very nearly destroyed our country with our selfishness and our greed. I truly hope that those coming along after us learn from our many, many mistakes.
5-13-2010 @ 3:34PM
TahRahLee said...Your generation (and mine) are the ones who made the 'smack illegal. Blame yourself if you believe kids need to be smacked. You can no longer leave even a red mark on a child, it is (under the law) child abuse.
In my opinion if you are so stupid that you need to resort to violence to control a weaker minded human being, you have no business procreating.
5-12-2010 @ 9:56PM
whatshamata said...My daughter once told me, "It takes a lot of energy to be good all day in school. You have a choice, I can be really good at home, or I can be really good at school so everyone tells you how wonderful I am."
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5-12-2010 @ 10:00PM
Jose said...The problem with parents today they dont use the belt anymore. When we were kids we would get are ass beat if we misbehaved. Thats why these kids are so bad these days cause parents dont care anymore. Point is discipline your kids ppl WTF!
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5-12-2010 @ 10:04PM
blondi1952 said...as the mother of 7 i am here to tell you the MOST obnoxious people on this planet are 9 year old children. i am sure there are many reasons for this phenonima but, i promise, they are the pits. luckily,thy outgrow it,,,if you don't ship them off to tahiti first.
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5-12-2010 @ 10:08PM
autiger said...I hope you're not getting paid for that advice!
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5-12-2010 @ 10:18PM
Ralfy said...A spanking is in order, pure and simple, old-fashioned-style. This is the prob with "single Parents" A father coming home with the "enforcement of punishment without abuse, cures ill behavior like this. Without that , sometimes ffemales are too 'friendly" with therir kids and therefore the li'l bastards don't respect them nor any other authority. Our society must see this and CHANGE ( hear me Pres Obama?)
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5-12-2010 @ 11:16PM
Mindy said...Oh please. Spank a nine-yr.-old?? You've got to be kidding.
"Honey, since you aren't smart enough to talk to, I'll just hit you." WRONG ANSWER.
By nine, a child is quite capable of listening and learning - consequences, maybe, but hitting? No way.
5-12-2010 @ 10:29PM
Lisa said...Our children were great when they were younger and now as "adults" (22 & 19), they are even better. Our children knew that the more good they did, the more they would be allowed to do. If they screwed up they'd have a lot farther to go, to get back to normal. This was especially helpful in the early teen years when they felt they had to test us. Oh, and it helped to frequently tell them that we were teenagers first, so they couldn't shock us with their actions.
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5-12-2010 @ 10:47PM
kb said...My mom didn't listen to whining. I didn't listen to whining. You usually only have to tell them a few times, and then not hear them. As a teacher, this would crop up at school sometimes. I'd calmly tell the kids, I didn't listen to my own child when he spoke rudely and I certainly wasn't going to listen to other people's children speaking rudely. A couple of times a student would push it, because their parents gave in. Just persist in demonstrating the attitude of respect.
With teens and preteens, I kept a visual image of kids entering a warehouse of attitudes. All of these attitudes would be hanging on hangers. Kids go through the warehouse and try out all kinds of attitudes and they keep the ones that work. It is the job of adults to show them the attitudes that gain them respect and attention, the good kind.
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5-12-2010 @ 10:59PM
yiyaozhou said...Great advise. This pertains to my 10 year old son, too. Thank you. I'm going to work on this.
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5-12-2010 @ 11:10PM
forthill1 said...My 9 year old is way worse than the one in the article. She's also in the 120 percentile for height, so dragging her to her room or making her behave is very difficult.
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6-11-2010 @ 1:22AM
Alice said...I was amazed and thankful to find this! My 10 year old fits the 9 year old to a "t"! A straight "A" student at school, she disses Mom, Dad, and also Grandma quite often. I will try the "raised eyebrow", it sounds effective. I know losing my temper doesn't work; it only fuels the loud whiny fire! She is a good kid, and I am trying my best to be a good mom. Thanks for all the great suggestions!
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5-12-2010 @ 11:09PM
Steve said...I am a firm believer in ignoring what you don't like hearing. Make no
comment. The mistake is trying to correct or change what your child has said. I often hear other parents tell their child " we don't use that word" "or was that a nice thing to say." That doesn't say you repect your child when you do that. Isn't respecting you child the most important thing you can do as a parent.
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5-12-2010 @ 11:35PM
Elena said...I'm going thru the same behavior with my 9 year old. She is a straight A's student and respectful in School , and the second she gets home she is very SASSY, and sometimes its funny,but it sometimes it borders on disrespectful. I give her a look, but she does not care... Help!!!
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