Child's Tantrums Wearing Us Out!

by Susan Stiffelman, M.F.T. (Subscribe to Susan Stiffelman, M.F.T.'s posts) May 17th 2010 11:00AM

Categories: Expert Advice Babies, Development Toddlers Preschoolers, Behavior Toddlers Preschoolers, Expert Advice Toddlers Preschoolers, Development Big Kids, Expert Advice Big Kids

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Dear AdviceMama,

Our 4-year-old great grandson has yelling, screaming tantrums if he does not get his way. He has been like this from the time he crawled. His 2-year-old brother is very calm and quiet. How can we get him to stop acting this way?

Signed, Tired of Tantrums

Dear Tired of Tantrums,

I'm sorry to hear about your great grandson's upsets. A child's temper tantrums can wear down even the hardiest caregiver; no doubt, it's especially difficult to manage when the behavior happens regularly, disrupting the peace of the household whenever he doesn't get his way.

Children have tantrums when they feel overwhelmed by frustration, disappointment, sadness or anger. In a sense, your great grandson becomes caught in a "storm" of emotions, losing his anchor and finding himself adrift on a sea of feelings too big for him to manage.

In addition, your great grandsons may have the same parents, but that doesn't mean they have the same temperaments. Some children are born with placid, easygoing personalities while others arrive with a fiery disposition and intense nature. Rather than trying to make him more like his brother, focus on how you can help prevent his emotional storms so he can learn how to cope with frustration when he doesn't get what he wants.

1. A child who is tired, hungry or over-stimulated is much more vulnerable to falling apart when life isn't going his way. Make sure your great grandson is well nourished and rested, particularly at difficult times of day like preparing meals or getting everyone out of the house in the morning, when there's a lot going on.

2. Give your great grandson the sense that you're on his side, and you understand his distress. Put words to what you suspect is going on for him: "It's so hard when the blocks don't stay where you want them," or "You really wanted another cookie ... " without trying to talk him out of his feelings, or caving in to his demands. It's deeply comforting to a child when a calm and loving caregiver acknowledges the enormity of his disappointment or anger, and gently helps him move toward the sadness and tears that help him feel better again.

3. Avoid explaining why he can't have what he wants while he's in the midst of being flooded with powerful feelings. A child who's having a tantrum is incapable of processing words, logic or the rational explanations that you may think will get him to calm down. Instead, stay nearby, offer your lap -- if he'll take it -- and wait out the storm with him, helping him find his tears so he can adapt to his world not working the way he would like.

By accepting your great grandson's temperament rather than comparing him to his brother, providing him with the rest and nourishment that will better help him cope with disappointment, and remaining calm while he struggles, you'll help this little boy develop the coping skills and resilience that will help him adjust to life's inevitable ups and downs.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her new book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is now available.

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Related: My 9-Year-Old has a Sassy, Bad Attitude!

Comments (295)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 15)

shana 5-17-2010 @ 8:22PM

These are some great books.
Raising our children raising ourselves
and
Playlistening by Lawrence Cohen

give it a try you will see a huge turn around in your kids, and they will thank you for it!!

TheSlapper 5-18-2010 @ 10:45AM

I say bring back the days when a parent could smack a child with a belt without being called an animal. I'm not saying whip the kid until he's bleeding. I am saying a couple of well placed whacks of a belt on his ass will quickly show him that screaming equals REAL pain. Once the kid puts 2 and 2 together, he'll stop. I guarantee it!

All of this "poor baby" garbage is exactly why we have so much gang activity and crime. Parents are afraid to PROPERLY punish their kids for fear of having CPS at their door. Kids need a good old fashined ass whipping when they are like that, It works. Period...

Maria 5-18-2010 @ 1:45AM

What ever happened to parents being in charge rather than allowing the kids to take charge and throw tantrums like that. I have a step-daughter who still at the age of 6 (when I met her) threw tantrums where she threw herself on the floor, kicked, and screamed like she was 2 years old. She continued that behavior till she was 8, then finally stopped. I told my husband one too many times that all she needed was an old fashioned spank on her butt and that would cure her. He ignored me and excused her by saying that that was her personality. So, one day after an extreme tantrum, he called her mother and told her about it and asked her if she was that way with her. His ex said that she was that way with her till she just started spanking her butt and sent her to her rooom, and eventually the child got it. She didnt do it at mom's house, but did do it at our house. I looked at him and told him, "enough said" she needs to be spanked and she will be done. Children test the waters and do what they know they can get away with. He never spanked her, he only talked to her in a very stern way and told her to stop it or get spanked. The child was done within ONE second. So, this bull shit about talking to them etc is just that bull shit! So parents let your child know WHO is in charge while still showing love and caring for them.

Maria 5-19-2010 @ 1:15PM

Ok, you dont need to read books for crying out loud. Try spanking the child and tell them NO, this is NOT allowed. Be firm and stern about it and the child will stop.

Jan 5-18-2010 @ 1:45AM

Angee...
I agree with you all the way. Temper tantrums are a form of control.
My kid did this twice. The second time I spanked her good. she never did it again.

LOLOLOLO 5-18-2010 @ 5:00AM

Lock the in a room all day with no toys, tv or nothing at all. Serve child food in the room only. (let kid use bathroom as needed) Do this to said child for three or four days. Fits will no longer fit into your routine.

Whitehawk 5-18-2010 @ 10:51AM

Try changing his diet, I have friends that had the same thing happening and they put their son on a special diet and his and their whole world change for the better. I am not on sir obama's wife's diet plan but I have seen such a change for this little kid. I have two under 4 so I with you on the fits. My oldest one picks so much on my little son and all he does is scream to let me know she is messing with him. I am getting a little crazy with it also. Please hang in there and God Bless

Isabel 5-17-2010 @ 8:22PM

OR. . .you could just spank his a**. Yeah. How's that? Pretty smart, hunh? Innovative? Effective? Parents have been doing it for thousands of years.

shayboone0214 5-17-2010 @ 10:57PM

spank his ass & tell him "NO- NO" When your children can run all over you they know it. You have to show them who is boss!

JANETTE BALDWIN 5-18-2010 @ 3:22AM

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN" I WISH FOR THESE PARENTS RELEIF. WE WENT THROUGH THIS WITH OUR THIRD SON MANY YEARS AGO, OUR PEDIATRIC DR. REFERRED US TO NUMEROUS NEUROLOGIST. AT THE TIME , TORETTE'S SYNDROME HAD NOT BEEN INTRODUCED TO THE PUBLIC.
FINALLY WHEN HE WAS 15 YEARS OF AGE AFTER YEARS OF MISERY FOR HIM AND OUR HURT FOR HIM, WE WERE SENT TO A PEDIATRIC NEUROLOGIST AT CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL IN NEW ORLEANS. HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH"
TORETTE'S SYNDROME. . ONE OF MY HUSBAND AND MY HAPPIEST DAYS TO HAVE A DIAGNOSIS. HE WAS PLACED ON MEDICATION AND WITHIN A WEEK WE HAD A DIFFERENT SON. IF THESE CHILDREN HAVE THIS CONDITION, THEY START HAVING PROBLEMS WITH CRYING, ETC. SHORTLY AFTER BIRTH,., I WISH FOR YOUR SON TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF AND YOU AND YOUR FAMILY KNOW THAT HE COULD HAVE TORETTE'S SYNDROME AND DON'T RULE ANYTHING OUT AT THIS EARLY STAGE.

Robert Smith 5-17-2010 @ 8:18PM

Crying, whining, complaining.........sign this kid up as a devoted Republican!

Steve 5-17-2010 @ 8:34PM

Robert Smith,

I'm offended you would talk about a child that way! Now if he were a psychopathic LIAR... I might tend to agree.
-----------------
Robert Smith 5-17-2010 @ 8:18PM
Crying, whining, complaining.........sign this kid up as a devoted Republican!

aantjel 5-17-2010 @ 8:21PM

I have raced 3 kids alone,coming from annother country/culture.....worked full time here in The US,and everyone of my kids has an education and turned out to be very successful now in their curriers.
When I divorced ,my 3 children were under 10 years of age.
As a parent one has to "parent"in a none-stop-way.
Give love-support-and most of all do not give in to naughty out-of-line behavoir.
We as parents have a very important job to do with our children it is called"P A R E N T I N G"!
We as parents are in control of our kids destiny no one else.
There is no option of saying"I cannot deal"!!!!

momof3 5-17-2010 @ 8:18PM

he's spoiled to getting his way, and when he doesn;t he throws a fit. How hard is that to understand? Create a negative response to his tanturm instead of giving in and he'll stop. I recommend a swat on the tush. I don't care what anyone says it's better to calmly deal with this right away than to let this little stinker keep it up.

Lisa 5-17-2010 @ 10:47PM

Thanks! I agree w/ you..stop it before it starts, I don't think it has anything to do w/ eathing glueten free foods, change thier diet, bla bla bla..What's wrong w/ a spanking? Nothing! But now most kids, of talking age tell thier parents "you can't spank me or else I call the Police on you"! If any of my kids, they are grown now, ever said that to me, I probably would have said, "Call them'" hope they give you a nice bed to sleep in! That sounds bad, I know..but I wouldn't hopefully let it get that far. I'm trying to say, is kids know nothing when they are born, what they learn is from thier surroundings, If adults could throw a trantrum & get WHAT they want, bet a lot would.

sarahdrake 5-18-2010 @ 12:50AM

just walk away. or this works.... get down on the floor and scream and yell and throw an enormous tantrum of your own... that usually bewilders a child completely - and they also get a chance to see how ridiculous a tantrum looks... then get up and quietly walk into the other room - it will leave them - totally in quiet and in shock!! tee hee!

maizenbluedoc 5-17-2010 @ 8:20PM

Roughneck: While your remedy may solve the tantrum problem, this cannot be done as it isn't politically correct in this day and age. When I was a youngster this type of behavior was not tolerated and most people matured into normal adults. Tantrums are brought about as a means to control parents and coerce them into giving into whatever the youngester wants. Once started, it will increase exponentially.

Lori 5-17-2010 @ 10:19PM

Has his parent consulted a Dr.? He could be ADDHD or have Asperger syndrome. A gluten free/whole food diest may do the trick..worth a try

Mandy 5-17-2010 @ 9:26PM

When a child acts like a spoiled brat, it doesn't always have to mean he/she has ADHD, ADD, or Asperger's Syndrome. People are too afraid to discipline their children these days. A lack of discipline shows the child that they have the upper hand. Early on, children should be taught respect and good behavior.