Opinion: My Daughter's a High-School Dropout and I'm Totally Okay With It

by Ericka Lutz (Subscribe to Ericka Lutz's posts)
May 24th 2010 8:00AM

Filed under: Teens, Work Life, Development/Milestones: Babies, Day Care & Education, Special Needs, Extreme Childhood, Amazing Parents, Opinions

Erika Lutz's17-year-old daughter is a high-school dropout. And Mom is totally OK with that. Credit: Ericka Lutz

It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.

You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.

My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.

As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.

Yet.

If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.

But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.

Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.

Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.

"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."

I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.

Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.

Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.

Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.

Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 28)

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5-25-2010 @ 6:19PM

Heather said...

I cannot and will not agree that quitting because you found something too hard is the right thing to do. Sure you can take a test to get the equivalent of a diploma. That is not the point. You can learn a lot by just persevering through a difficult situation.

Sure you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. But I truly believe that if this mother had worked with her daughter to stay in school somehow, weather that is homeschooling, a school to work program, a vocational school, etc.. I could go on and on, that she may not like it right now, but in the long run, she would be grateful to her mother. Our job as parents is not to just give our kids what they want, but what they need.

I agree that traditional HS is not for everyone, but there are so many options out there that don't include just giving up. In fact the only school she is going to right now is acting school. If that is what she wants to do, good for her, but it is a very difficult field to get into. Why couldn't she have gone to a HS that was geared towards the arts. I know they are out there.

What I want to know, Is she in school full time, or is she working part time and going to school part time. Is she contributing to her room and board? Basically is she being held accountable for being an adult. If you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one. I am not saying she isn't, the article doesn't say either way. If she is, then good for her. But these days there are too many parents who want to make their kids "happy" when they may not need to be "happy", they need to be taught how to be adults. And giving up because you find something too hard is not adult behavior.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for the girl, it sounds like she has had a difficult couple of years, but lots of people go through difficult patches, that doesn't mean you just give up.

5-28-2010 @ 2:31PM

jamememe said...

I know alot of people that quit high school for homeschool, and they ALL still ended up with GEDs. How is "homeschooling" any different than dropping out and studying for your GED? I just do not get it.

5-28-2010 @ 3:12PM

Amanda said...

Thank you! This is exactly what I've been trying to say: sleeping in? hanging out with friends? Those things are preparing her for the real world even LESS than High School would.

5-28-2010 @ 6:03PM

Pasta said...

If a child reaches 16 and can pass the proficiency exam/GED test, why would she need to be homeschooled? She did NOT drop out of school. She finished early. As for socialization that everyone keeps insisting that she needs, she has a job at a bookstore. She spends time with her friends. She gets socialization from just living a responsible life. It's no different than a HS grad taking a year or two off and getting a job before college. As long as she is paying her own expenses and helping around the house, I see nothing wrong with it. Just doing that is helping her prepare for adulthood. Setting a budget, paying bills, buying necessities, all of this teaches her to be more independent and self-sufficient.

5-28-2010 @ 2:09PM

Sahib Wieben said...

As I often say, my pony tail is to camoflage just how conservative I am underneath it all.

Sorry but I think part of HS and even college is PROVING you CAN set aside your personal wishes and desires to sit in the sun and watch people stroll by and instead EARN an education.

I noticed several posts of we did that too ... I did not see the follow up of now he or she is ... Sorry folks but part of growing up is learning delayed gratification.

Could our educational system be improved? YES! Too bad we refuse to put our tax dollars where our mouth are!

5-28-2010 @ 2:28PM

Mindy said...

I'm curious how many of the people criticizing this mother are parents of teenagers. I'm curious how many of you have parented a child who learns differently. I'm curious why you believe that every human being needs to follow the same path in order to succeed.

This child did not "just quit." She tested out of school. She has her GED. How is that quitting? She did not finish high school in the traditional manner; she learned enough to be considered proficient, and is now working part-time, taking classes in pursuit of her dream career, and figuring out what she wants to be when she grows up. She may become the next Julia Roberts, she may never make it past a local stage. She may learn that she is a phenomenal set designer, lighting expert, make-up artist or script writer. She may realize that she will never make it on the stage but she will have the confidence of knowing she tried. She is probably better educated - having been raised in home full of books and curiosity - than half of the "real" high school graduates in this country.

I find it fascinating how quickly people will condemn someone who listens to her child, treats her child as an intelligent being and loves her unconditionally. My guess is that if this mother sees her daughter losing her desire to make something of her life, she will work to help her find new direction. And along the way, she will continue teaching her not to judge those who wander from the straight and narrow path on their way to their adult selves and their goals.

5-28-2010 @ 2:12PM

Joel Roberts said...

Let them all quit sounds good to me. You can always do great things when you quit and don't finish!

5-28-2010 @ 2:17PM

jimidix said...

Nothing about this story rings success in my head for Annie....

"Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either."

"she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star."

Did anyone read this... she is not bored, she isn't enrolled in college making progress with flying colors...

Well when Annie figures out that she is in the 100 million other "aspirirng actesses and models" in California list and the "High Times" with friends die down when they leave and go to college... she will be 18 and they are always hiring down here at Tootsies in Miami.

5-28-2010 @ 2:40PM

cl said...

This women is whacked. This seems to be a problem so often with so called experts. They usually can't manage their own family lives. I understand this young girls sadness over losing her father but life goes on and that is the message she should be teaching her daughther, not to run from what we should be doing in life because we are sad.

5-28-2010 @ 2:19PM

lifeissweet said...

i think that is absolutely ridiculous ..... its called sucking it up and finishing school - like everyone else has to ... i feel badly for her because her father passed away but unfortunately tragedies like that happen all the time and if everyone who went through something hard and devastating just said i cant do it anymore and quit the world would be full of people with no ambition - finishing school would've been the right thing to do and in the end the reward of knowing you stuck it out would've been satisfying ... that's how i feel, at least.

5-28-2010 @ 2:27PM

laura bell said...

Lady, You didn't have much choice in the matter. What else could you do? The strong bragging about how proud you are seems a little phony.

5-28-2010 @ 2:26PM

Zoe said...

High school is not for everyone, very few schools have the resources to interest our children and inspire their own special talents. I know that most of the courses I took in high school did nothing to prepare me for life. We have become a school of baby sitters rather than inspirators. Our schools need to offer skills, not a rote list of courses required to attend a university. If we can find a way to move away from the standard education and move to inspiring and preparation for life we will have a generation of contributors to our country.

5-28-2010 @ 4:50PM

lynn said...

How refreshing to hear someone with a non-judgmental voice offer what I believe to be a serious problem we have not faced as a caring society. Just take a look at some of the courses offered in High School today. Yes, some are still necessary, i.e., Englilsh, Math, and Science. However, we need to make some serious changes or additions. I say we make CONFLICT RESOLUTION or COMMUNICATION classes mandatory. Imagine enriching minds by teaching them how to be more understanding of each other. Hmm, this might possibly lead to less violence in our communities as a result.

Ideally, these are things that would be taught at home, yet, we know from our daily news reports, it is NOT getting done.

It is high time we stop the practice of trying to force square pegs into round holes by forcing our children to "get through" an antiquated system that is being forced down their throats. Let's face it, we need to make some serious changes.

5-28-2010 @ 2:23PM

CTVELEZ1204 said...

I am a HS dropout and it was the best thing to ever happen to me, honestly. I had earned my GED through college credits and just recently got accept into a Veterinary Science program which is extremely competitive. I haven't excelled in school like I do in college, so being a "HS dropout" doesn't mean anything, it's what you make of yourself. Unfortunately people place too much emphasis on high school, when most of the kids that graduate with me are shooting up, snorting or getting knocked up. I praise that mom in supporting her child because it is harder than most think.

5-28-2010 @ 2:29PM

Dolly Jones said...

The decision is sound at this point in time. The young woman endured so much and it's important to take time to heal. She can continue with her education when she is ready - mentally and physically. She has her whole life ahead of her.

Marilyn said...

This young woman IS educated, and actually even has the "piece of paper" to prove it, if and when that actually matters. This mom did exactly the right thing, and supported her obviously mature daughter in making this decision. This young woman has coped with a LOT in the last two years! Any ONE of those might cause a teen to want to stop concentrating on school! Why slog through two more unnecessary years of something that clearly isn't working? Where would be the benefit to anyone? More teens and parents should be making these exact same choices, even if they aren't dealing with difficult circumstances the way this family did.

Changa95 said...

Annie is a middle-class female with a soft place to land. For someone without a mom to support them, dropping out of school most likely would end in a hand-to-mouth existence and limited opportunities. It's not always parental pride that drives parents to encourage a traditional educational path, sometimes it's because it's the path to a better life.

charlotte7224 said...

Sorry....but the school system, especially the high schools are
A TOTAL FAILIURE!!!!! I did insist my son complete his HS education, even with Dyslexia, Dyscalcula, mild OCD, & Oppositional Defiance disorders, at the beginning of high school, actually end of 8th grade, in which they were telling me he'd be held back for failing math (inspite of him being Sp Ed!! --Dyscalculia) so we invested over $7000 that summer for him to attend a well known tutoring course To avoid that complete waste of time known as SUMMER SCHOOL...now there's a misnomer!!
@ S-----, in which they filled in the numerous blanks, got him caught up & he entered 9th grade on course. Within 6 weeks, he was failing AGAIN!!!! I did have a wonderful team to oversee his course work, but short of standing over his teachers, there's a limited amount they can do. The teachers, simply do not engage these students, the work is boring, pointless, & has very little to offer. After an intense & very difficult 3 years he took his exams, passed, & basically spent his Senior year killing time, signing in every day, leaving after less than 2 hrs, & with great relief he graduated. I don't know who was most relieved.
He has always had a job, sometimes 2 at a time, since he was 15, an amazing work ethic, but something was sucked out of him during High School, if I had to do it over? I think I'd have let him leave early, its a sentence, geared only towards the 2% of the Students in VARSITY athletics, or the minority in the top Honors programs, everyone else doesn't really matter....& it shows!

Bryant said...

I watched a line of people waiting to sign up to join a union, this particular testing was for welding. The thing I found interesting, was the guy at the head of the line.
He would ask the question, "Do you have a high school diploma?", if they responded they did not or had a GED, he told them they could go home and they did not qualify.
He's explanation was that if you can't stick it out enough to get a high school diploma (which in his opinion didn't require a lot of brains), then you sure couldnt handle the hard work they would be doing welding, where attendance and reliablity are a big part of the job.
I'm not sure if he is right or not, but it sure made me think about the value of a high school diploma in areas other than college entrance.

5-28-2010 @ 5:13PM

polliesparadise1 said...

wonder why our children are getting lazier. It may work for some, but what about the other 99%.

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