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My ADD Son Fights With His Brother All the Time
Filed under: Siblings, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My wife and I have two boys, 5 and 7. Our younger son -- who is on meds for ADHD -- argues and fights with his brother over anything and everything. This really irritates both of us, we lose control and my wife starts yelling at me, which causes our sons to start defending me against her. What can we do to stop this horrible cycle in our home? I don't want our children to suffer any long-term effects from our behavior.
Please help so I can have some confidence back in my life and keep my marriage together, as I love my wife and boys!
Signed,
Swimming in Chaos
Dear Swimming,
I'm not a big fan of the ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) label for many reasons, (though I don't discount the reality of the many difficulties that accompany the diagnosis.) People with the ADD or ADHD diagnosis don't have a deficit or lack of attention as much as an inflexibility of attention. They can focus perfectly well when they're engaged; it's reining in their wandering attention when they aren't interested in the subject matter that is the problem.
And while ADD can create many challenges for an individual because of the difficulties with impulsivity, focus and planning, I have misgivings about calling it a "disorder," per se. As someone with the diagnosis, I can list countless ways that my ADD-ishness has added to my life, rather than limited it.
That said, because of issues in impulse control, frustration tolerance, organization and so on, one of the hallmark characteristics in an ADD household is chaos and drama. What you've described is quite typical of what goes on behind closed doors when at least one person in a family has the characteristics that go with the diagnosis.
I commend you for recognizing the problems you and your wife have with escalating the drama when things get tense with your boys. Taking responsibility for becoming reactive and losing control is the first step toward changing that behavior.
If the Captain of a ship sails off course and into a storm, he first needs to get to safety, and then determine what went wrong with his navigation system. What he doesn't need to do is waste time getting upset that he veered off course into the storm.
While you could make all kinds of arguments about why your sons shouldn't fight, you would be better off considering the reasons their fighting happens, putting your energy toward dealing with the underlying causes, rather than letting the behavior trigger you to lose your cool.
You can't control your wife's outbursts, but you can manage your own by considering what your younger son gets out of arguing with his older brother? Attention when his brother's been ignoring him? Something to do when he's bored? An outlet for his own frustrations?
By addressing the causes of your sons' misbehavior and helping them find other outlets for their frustrations or boredom, instead of allowing it to fuel drama between the four of you, you'll be acting as the calm Captain of the ship they need you to be, rather than one more voice contributing to the chaos.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
5-24-2010 @ 5:38PM
jen said...HUH???
Was there ANY substance to this non-answer at ALL? Cuz I totally missed it. Your're "not a fan of the ADD label" and yet you admit you have been diagnosed ADD? Who ever said the kids are bored?? This is just a plain waste of space.
Reply
5-25-2010 @ 1:00PM
widgertribe said...Let me break it down for you...
1. analyze the results the child desires from the behavior rather than the behavior itself.
2. as the leader of his family he was right to acknowledge this behavior and try to find a solution.The ship and storm metephore was...uhhhhh metaphoracal not literal.
3. ADD children (and adults) are not "disabled" they are just different and while distractablity is irritating hyperfocus can make up for it!
4. the ADD label is misunderstood and therefore the author is not a "fan" of it. For the record neither am I.
6-06-2010 @ 10:37PM
Ann said...I think that if she actually LIVED in an ADD/ADHD household, she might have a different view on ADD/ADHD. Everyone in our house has been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, and life in our home is difficult at best, for each one of us.
My advice for Swimming in Chaos, is to find another psychologist to ask this question, who actually has knowledge of the disorder, and doesn't dispute it in any way.
Good luck to you.
Reply
6-03-2010 @ 11:04PM
Katie said...I have two (out of my three boys) who are ADHD, and my youngest exhibits the kind of temper described above. He was born deeply offended and looking for a fight! While his temper might not be specific to ADHD, the ADHD sure doesn't help.
Swimming in Chaos....get the boy running! I've come to believe that half the battle is won through exercise; running neutralizes the difficult aspects of ADHD. Running is what keeps my house peaceful! My oldest started with about a mile at 13, and has gone on to become a great distance runner. He knows that running is what keeps his brain calm and happy. My youngest is on Adderall, and is also starting to run a mile a day. He says the running works better than the meds, and when he's run we just don't see the antagonistic, confrontational behavior at all. Even he feels the running works more than the meds.
ADHD is just a battle we can't win without the edge taken off by exercise. Running, swimming laps....just hard, continuous exercise for 20-40 minutes a day makes a huge difference.
Peaceful kid, happier wife, happier you.
Reply
6-04-2010 @ 12:18PM
Angela said...Swimming, you might consider changing his meds. With our 10 year-old we found that certain meds have an adverse even OPPOSITE effect on him. He is currently on Vyvanse and it works really well for him but it was trial and error. The first med he was on had me calling the Dr asking is this attitude due to the meds? It was awful. We had to keep trying until we found what works. Thankfully we have had great teachers who help monitor the situation and let us know how the meds work at school where they are needed the most.
Reply
6-07-2010 @ 8:27AM
Elizabeth said...Just because people are siblings does not mean they are suitable playmates. It sounds like you have someone looking for different pursuits than his brother can give him. Does he have a special interest? Following one's talents is a natural focuser. Does he have a common complaint? Kids usually know what they need. Does he have a social setting that that works for him -- a sport, a class, another house -- because this one sure doesn't.
I watched two of my nephews fight hard most of their childhood, because their parents believed it would build character. Instead, it layered on scars and animosity. To this day, the one who was picked on sometimes avoids family events if his brother will be there -- a loss to all of us. Meanwhile, the older one is filled with remorse and desperately trying to mend relationships that were damaged because his parents didn't believe in over-medicating.
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6-07-2010 @ 9:29AM
Jan said...i agree that exercise is a calming and focusing thing for an ADD/ADHD person. but when meds, behavior modification, and others things have worked short term or not at all, others problems should be considered: OCD, DBD(defiant behavior disorder), BIOPOLAR, etc. many times more than one disorder is there and doctors don't or won't look any further than the ADD/ADHD.
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