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Should My Ex's Fiancee Post Photos of My Daughter on Her Facebook?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Media, Single Parenting, Relationships, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
I am a newly divorced mom with custody of my child. My daughter rarely sees her dad, so she was happy to have shared the weekend with his new fiancée and her children. Following the weekend, his fiancée posted pictures of our daughter on her social networking site. This makes me very uncomfortable and I struggle with whether or not this is an issue that should be confronted. Should his future wife have the freedom to post pictures of my child on her social networking sites?
Signed,
Momma Bear
Dear Momma Bear,
You have raised a question that wouldn't have even existed a few short years ago. But nowadays, many parents share your concerns, as we all try to figure out how to safely navigate the world of the Internet that's so rapidly becoming part of our parenting lives.
Social networking has changed the way people make contact with old and new friends, creating complex challenges about what is and isn't appropriate, as matters of privacy get explored and debated.
I have a feeling our ParentDish readers will be divided on this issue, but my opinion is that without your express permission -- and depending on your daughter's age -- your former husband's fiancée shouldn't have added the photographs. It's safe to say that she meant no harm; lots of people post pictures of their children on their Facebook site as a way of offering a visual glimpse into their lives.
The problem is that there are many ways that information on networking sites gets passed around on the Internet, and frankly, I don't think parents exercise nearly enough caution in posting photos of their children.
I don't know whether your daughter's future stepmother has the legal right to upload pictures of her or not; I suspect this aspect of custody law is still a work in progress, as attorneys race to catch up with the many new issues that the Internet has created when it comes to parenting.
But I don't think it would be at all inappropriate to politely express your concerns to your former husband and his fiancée.
Before I go further, however, I should say this: If your concerns are relevant to protecting your daughter from being viewed by strangers -- I'm with you. If, however, you're simply uncomfortable having her future stepmother acknowledge her fiancee's daughter to her online friends, we're talking about a different issue. In that case, you are going to have to do the difficult work of coming to terms with this woman's presence in your child's life.
If you legitimately feel uneasy about the situation because you don't want your daughter's photos displayed online, begin by letting your former husband and his fiancee know that you understand that she might want to share pictures from their weekend together, but that you're not comfortable having your daughter's images on the web.
Explain some of your reasons, and make the request that the photos be removed, at least until you can all come to an agreement.
If worse comes to worse, I suppose you can consult your attorney and find out if the custody terms address this sort of problem. But ultimately, your daughter will best be served if you do all you can to untangle this in a friendly way with her father and future stepmom.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 12)
6-11-2010 @ 10:48PM
Paul said...Interesting topic, as I am divorced with two kids, remarried with two step kids, and a profesional photographer. I will not comment on the morality of the situation, however I can discuss the legality of the matter. From a purely legal perspective, you can take anyone's picture in a public place and use it in an editorial or non-commercial forum and that is legal. One prime example is a newspaper. They do not have to, although they often do, ask your permission to post a picture of your child. I can legally take a picture of your child and put it on Facebook. Also, it all it says in Facebook TOS is that you have to have the copyright to a picture to post it, and it can't be obscene, nude, etc. I would hope they have an unwritten policy against posting random pictures of kids, but legally they have no requirement to exclude them. What I cannot do is use a picture of your child in any commercial way without your written consent. For example, in a magazine ad, or even posting it to my commercial website which is in reality an ad for my photography business is illegal. Again, that is just the legal side of it, morally there are other issues.
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6-10-2010 @ 8:28PM
UFO654 CAROLE said...I POSTED MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S PICTURE ON MY SON'S MEMORIAL SITE ON THE INTERNET AND I WAS CONTACTED BY HER ATTORNEY DEMANDING THAT I REMOVE THE PICTURE AS IT WAS EXPLOITING MY GRANDDAUGHTER TO SOME DEGREE.......I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. THE MEMORIAL SITE WAS STRICTLY FOR PEOPLE TO VISIT AND SEE A PICTURE OF FAMILY MEMBERS. I REMOVED THE PICTURE.
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6-11-2010 @ 7:49AM
FrenchBlue367 said...Carole: I'm sorry for your loss, no parent should ever have to bury their child. And then to have to deal with your daughter-in-law. You'd think she'd WANT to have photos of her deceased husband's (and her) kids on a memorial website for him. That just goes to show you how vindictive some people can be. This is just a case of spite, nothing more, nothing less.
6-10-2010 @ 8:30PM
Brianoshman said...The Mom may have physical custody but both parents have legal custody and the Father has just as muchg right to make decisions as the Mother. That is what joint custody is. Just because the Daughter lives with the Mother does not mean that she is the only one allowed to make the rules.
She has no legal grounds to restrict the Father from posting the pics. This is just a typical power struggle by a woman scorned.
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6-10-2010 @ 8:56PM
Steve said...Umm, turn it around... the father has no rights to unilaterally decide to override the mom's request for not posting the pictures. Personally, I find it stuipd that a "girlfriend-in-law" would post her pics of her boyfriends' daughter on her networking site. With all the perverts on the web, a wise person would lean towards the conservative approach. If she's so friggin' proud of her boyfriends' daughter, she can, umm, EMAIL pics to her friends and control the distribution.
6-11-2010 @ 1:59AM
Irritated by Idiots!! said...Wow Steve you have issues!!! I really hope you don't ever have kids and get a divorce because you are in for a rude awakening!! There is no sense in living in fear of perverts, more or less what your saying in your post is that the fiance has no rights to put the pics up but if the mom wanted to it would be OK????? The dad has just as many rights as a mom does and Im a female, I don't know what planet your living on but if you think that a father does not have the same rights that a mom does you obviously do not have kids or plan on having any because NO father would say something like that. And as far as finding it stupid that the soon to be step mom is posting pictures of her soon to be step daughter, that is just idiotic and then you just suggest that she e-mails them to her friends what is that BS. People are idiots now a days grow up get over the fact that your ex husband does not want you anymore and get on with your life!!!! Maybe someday when you become a father Steve you will understand the struggles that people have to face with crazy idiot ex's Thankfully I am not one of those!!!!
6-10-2010 @ 8:31PM
birchfieldd said...Sounds as if it is more to do with the feeling in control part rather than genuine concern. I have pictures of my children on my Facebook and I keep it on private. To be very blunt, when I see opinions like the ones above from others about their children are not allowed to post anything and neither is anyone else, I think you're just paranoid. There are deeper concerns when dealing with exes than the pictures being posted on Facebook or any other social network.
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6-11-2010 @ 2:50PM
Kim said...Last summer my ex and his new wife posted pictures of my 16 year old daugher holding a beer can and acting like she was drinking it. He would not remove it, even after I strongly protested. It is still on thier facebook page today. :(
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6-10-2010 @ 8:33PM
lida said...As long as your child is comfortable with the step-parent/fiance' posting pics, I don't see anything wrong with it. Why would you want to make an issue with her dads new fiance' if it's not affecting your daughter? The daughter is with her dad. The only thing Mom should be concerned about is if the fiance' treated her daughter well, and with respect. Who made the mom the dictator of what or what should not be posted? I am a person whose dad had visitation rights (pre Internet-let alone Facebook), and enjoyed the time spent with his new wife......My dad had moved on. Should my mom think that my dad wouldn't make sure that I was taken care of? And if she did, that was HER INSECURITY!!! MOM, Don't make YOUR insecurity your daughters........ESPECIALLY if it was her first time spending time with her dad in a long time!!! It takes 2 to make a baby..........Don't make problems where they shouldn't be!
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6-10-2010 @ 8:32PM
UFO654 CAROLE said...Sorry I should have said that my daughter in law's attorney contacted me on behalf of my daughter in law stipulating that I remove the picture of my granddaughter or my daughter in law would seek redress in the courts. The picture was of gd when she was about 9 on a horse.....oh well........I think those things are more personal shots than for safety sake just as the case above. I think the mother is perhaps a bit "jealous" and therefore is seeking to use her power only...that is my take.
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6-10-2010 @ 8:33PM
praireedawgin said...Americans (especially women) are so self-indulgent. Quit feeling sorry for yourself!!
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6-10-2010 @ 8:56PM
sps said...I really hope it's not about jealousy although I agree with my of the comments that suggest just that. I do wonder would there be a problem if the father had posted the pictures instead of the fiancee. And how did mama bear even see or know about the photos? Is she friends with the fiancee? As far as molesters seeing pictures on facebook, do you stop your child from taking class pictures and or passing them out? How many people you don't know see pictures of you and your child in a photo album? Hmmm!
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6-10-2010 @ 8:49PM
mamakimmy said...Hmm.. So the MOTHER knows that the photo(s) are on a social website. Have any of you here considered the MOTHER has a profile, which most-likely has photos of her daughter, on her own profile?? This is all about the whole insecurity of a future-step-parent involved in the child's life. If it's not one thing to complain about to stir the pot, it's another. The mother needs to look at the big picture here.. Let the child enjoy her time between both places, and make the best of things. Let your EX HUSBAND move on! Seriously! I've dealt with this $hit going on 13 years now! Ridiculous! Oh, and the EX WIFE I deal with (I'm the stepmom here!) has a profile on FB, and ALSO allows my young stepson to have a page of his own there, too.. Are any of his dad's family on it?? No, he hides out, yet we found him! Funny mom's 1 yr boyfriend is on his profile though, nothing like a slap in the face! Sorry to ramble on, but the lady is just being a moron like the rest of them. Grow up!
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6-10-2010 @ 8:50PM
lida said...One more thing..........Say that new Fiance' decided to take pics only of HER children with the dad and post them on her "Social Network" (ie FACEBOOK)......and EXCLUDE Momma Bears' daughter?.........(Heaven Forbid!!)..What would MOMMA BEAR have to say about THAT?..........get over yourself MOMMA BEAR.....it seems that EVERYONE ELSE HAS!!!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:04PM
Cindy said...Unbelievable! I agree with #10 and #11. This sounds like an issue of jealousy and possessiveness, not concern over privacy, or the child being in danger (BTW, people WAY overreact on the latter). The poster didn't mention any of that - only that she is "uncomfortable." That SO sounds like "she's MY child, not YOURS - so YOU can't make even minor decisions without my knowledge or control."
I'm amazed that no one mentioned the father. Isn't it reasonable to assume that the fiancee discussed this with him before posting the photos? If he's OK with it, why should the biological mother have such a problem with it? Yes, that's right - see CONTROL issue above.
I'm a stepmom. This sounds SO much like the possessiveness and control-freak attitude that my husband's ex-wife has about their kids. We let her do her thing with the kids when it's her time with them; we don't ask a zillion questions, or need to know every detail. But when the kids are with us, the ex sticks her nose into EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of what we do when they're with us. She has tried to micromanage our vacations with them (what time we leave, even though they're already with us, what to pack, etc.), what they eat at our house, when we do laundry, what facial products and sunscreen we have in our house for the kids, etc.
It's RIDICULOUS. And it's symptomatic of woman who doesn't have her own life, and is unable to let go of the most mundane details relating to her kids. I'd bet anything that "Momma Bear" is not in a relationship herself, focuses everything on the kids - and resents the fact that her ex-husband "won the remarriage race" (as our family therapist described the resentment of my husband's ex-wife). "Momma Bear" needs to LET GO already.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:42PM
DDupree711 said...I am a mother and a step mother. I fully agree with the mother. I do not post any of my children and yes I consider all of them my children on the internet. If I have some friends that I want to see pictures of my kids (and I mean biological and those through marriage) I will email them. I have a facebook, and you will never find my kids picture on my page.
6-10-2010 @ 8:52PM
andiee69 said...Get a grip lady! You should be happy that she has a future stepmother that wants her to be a part of her and your ex's life - some of us weren't so lucky!
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6-10-2010 @ 8:54PM
Pamela said...It does not matter if any of you think that it's okay to put the children's' pictures on line because a court order can stop any such events from happening, or can cause the removal of such events. I know this for a fact, because it happened to my grand daughters. The court told both parents "NOT" to put their pictures on line, and it all boils down to their safety. If any parent had a brain they would not put their children's pictures online. Use your brain, cause no pain.
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6-11-2010 @ 12:17AM
James said...Uh, I hate to disillusion you and the others who believe that posting a child's photo online exposes them to danger, but the reality is that there are trillions of photos posted online. It would be difficult for someone to see a photo of that child, decide to assault them, locate their address, travel to their locale, locate them, them assault them. There are no verified cases of this ever happening. 93% of all sex crimes against children occur from people known to the child. Worry more about who you know.
As for strangers, possibly potential child molesters, viewing her children, guess what, her children are seen every day they are out of the house! What to do then? Barricade our children in our homes? Mental health comes from making realistic assessments of dangers, taking reasonable precautions, then living. We should not let fear stop us from living.
By personal experience, a former friend refused to let his daughter play in the front yard or over at other children's homes, claiming to want to prevent her from being molested. I later learned that he had been molesting her.
Ms. Stiffleman, your advice was horribly wrong here. You have a duty in your position to render advice based on reality, not paranoia.
You failed.
6-10-2010 @ 8:53PM
mamakimmy said...Sorry I vented there a little about my last posting- but I just find it strange that either the MOM stalked out to see if the stepmom has an online profile, or has one herself, and only assumes there are photos of her daughter out there. Chances are she has an existing account, and so if she can post her photos of her daughter.. Then so can Dad and the future stepmom, or anyone in Dad's family!
This is just another stupid thing that's come along to torment the other non-custodial parent, out of retaliation of a failed relationship, and children involved.
Another little tidbit.. Imagine if the school posted field trip photos anywhere online- rather a school website, or even some other sort of social website page. You know this same mom would find it neat and be one of the first to allow her daughter to take part in it (posted photos). GRR!!
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