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Should My Ex's Fiancee Post Photos of My Daughter on Her Facebook?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Media, Single Parenting, Relationships, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
I am a newly divorced mom with custody of my child. My daughter rarely sees her dad, so she was happy to have shared the weekend with his new fiancée and her children. Following the weekend, his fiancée posted pictures of our daughter on her social networking site. This makes me very uncomfortable and I struggle with whether or not this is an issue that should be confronted. Should his future wife have the freedom to post pictures of my child on her social networking sites?
Signed,
Momma Bear
Dear Momma Bear,
You have raised a question that wouldn't have even existed a few short years ago. But nowadays, many parents share your concerns, as we all try to figure out how to safely navigate the world of the Internet that's so rapidly becoming part of our parenting lives.
Social networking has changed the way people make contact with old and new friends, creating complex challenges about what is and isn't appropriate, as matters of privacy get explored and debated.
I have a feeling our ParentDish readers will be divided on this issue, but my opinion is that without your express permission -- and depending on your daughter's age -- your former husband's fiancée shouldn't have added the photographs. It's safe to say that she meant no harm; lots of people post pictures of their children on their Facebook site as a way of offering a visual glimpse into their lives.
The problem is that there are many ways that information on networking sites gets passed around on the Internet, and frankly, I don't think parents exercise nearly enough caution in posting photos of their children.
I don't know whether your daughter's future stepmother has the legal right to upload pictures of her or not; I suspect this aspect of custody law is still a work in progress, as attorneys race to catch up with the many new issues that the Internet has created when it comes to parenting.
But I don't think it would be at all inappropriate to politely express your concerns to your former husband and his fiancée.
Before I go further, however, I should say this: If your concerns are relevant to protecting your daughter from being viewed by strangers -- I'm with you. If, however, you're simply uncomfortable having her future stepmother acknowledge her fiancee's daughter to her online friends, we're talking about a different issue. In that case, you are going to have to do the difficult work of coming to terms with this woman's presence in your child's life.
If you legitimately feel uneasy about the situation because you don't want your daughter's photos displayed online, begin by letting your former husband and his fiancee know that you understand that she might want to share pictures from their weekend together, but that you're not comfortable having your daughter's images on the web.
Explain some of your reasons, and make the request that the photos be removed, at least until you can all come to an agreement.
If worse comes to worse, I suppose you can consult your attorney and find out if the custody terms address this sort of problem. But ultimately, your daughter will best be served if you do all you can to untangle this in a friendly way with her father and future stepmom.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 12)
6-10-2010 @ 10:44PM
carol said...TO: mamakimmy 6-10-2010 @ 8:53PM actually - in our state it is illegal for the school to post any pictures in a school paper, online or anywhere without a permission slip signed by the parent. and, even when they have permission, they are only allowed to put in the child's first name (elementary school anyway). when the tv station was filming something at their school, we all had to sign a permission slip first in case our child got in on one of the shots.
6-10-2010 @ 8:57PM
ohyeah said...& then what? tell the poor little girl she cant be in any family pictures because then the other kids' mother cant do what she wants to with them? thats going to be a new part of her family & i think you should accept it, im sure the fiancee doesnt share her information with too many unknown people for she also has her own children to protect. how about if it were you & your new fiancee & his children?
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6-10-2010 @ 9:05PM
HG said...Heh, yeah, sure. Everyone should post pictures of their children on Facebook. While they are at it, they should post pictures of their home with the address attached and the layout of their house. Don't forget to post the pictures of your valuables. Smart people like that are just asking for bad news.
Just wait. There will be a loop hole passed in the legal system saying if your house gets robbed or you get raped or your children get molested, the criminal can't get charged because details were posted on these sites.
Hey, I get it. Some people are proud and want to market themselves to show off who's life is the best. Some of my best friends do the same things, but I do not condone it. Your whole life is out there for whoever to see. Oh and just because you set your page to private does not mean people can't bypass those walls of privacy these sites put up.
Oh, and in case you are wondering I am a single never married 23 year old female without children, not some judgmental old bitty. Just cautious.
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6-11-2010 @ 3:36PM
Michele said...Imagine that!
6-11-2010 @ 7:48AM
Parsons Patch said...I went through this same issue with my ex-husband and his new wife. She is a school teacher and she posted pictures of my small children on the internet and I was very upset. With all the nutbags in the world these day I did not want those pictures circulating. However, I spoke to my ex about how I felt and let it go at that. I also said that if anything was to happen to the children it would be on his head not mine; and asked him if he could live with that for the rest of his life!!!!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:02PM
Pamela said...I would "NEVER" put my children, nor grand children's pictures online. That is a no no. The internet is a breeding ground of predators. HELLO???? ANYBODY GOT A BRAIN????
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6-10-2010 @ 9:02PM
lucek said...can you say overprotective?
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6-10-2010 @ 9:22PM
Norissa W.I said...I think it depends if it is a picture of her alone or an family outing where it's a group shot if it is a group pic it shouldn't be that much of a problem. I would allow it but only group shots. If this women decided to put pics of your daughter alone on facebook this is a problem!!!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:08PM
Usar said...If you want her to treat your kids like her own then you shouldn't start a war of dos and don'ts, and like someone else said before me their own father seems to be ok with her taking and posting photos of his children, look at it from his point of view what if your partner did the same thing, are you sure this isnt simply jealousy from your side.
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6-12-2010 @ 11:51AM
mark said...Anyone who spends any real time to be posting THEIR life on these stupid social websites needs to grow up. There is no need to post pics of children online. If someone wants to see your children, they can do so in person or via email. STOP TRYING TO BE 18 AGAIN! Your not in highschool and should be more worried about work, family, and not how popular you THINK YOU ARE. GROW UP. If you have 100...200....5000 online friends your a joke and need to stop looking for attention from others to feel better about yourself. If you use it to network then, netWORK!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:16PM
Happymommyof3 said...I think it all depends on one thing...is this a jealousy issue or a valid concern for her daughter's safety? Mom has every right to be concernd for her child's safety and well being so if that's the issue I think all three should grab a coffee and resolve the issue, really not that big of a deal. Mom has a right to feel jealous and threatened, she's human. However, she needs to deal with those feelings on her own. She definitely doesn't have the right to go digging for dirt just to stir sh*t up. Not OK.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:13PM
mardi said...Yeah, we post pictures of our kids on our own facebook sites but then we know everyone on our friends' lists and have some assurance that sharing their photo and stories will be going tojust friends and family. When you don't know this person and who might be on her friend's list, I totally understand your concern and I would put it just that way when discussin with ex-hub.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:20PM
Rich said...Another example of a spurned woman making a big deal out of nothing. I am not surprised this woman is divorced. It is 2010. Millions of people post pictures of their children on the internet. Get over it. Stop looking for something else to fight with your ex husband about. It is over...
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6-10-2010 @ 9:22PM
Joy said...If we only lived in an ideal world... I'm a divorced mother of 2 children and I would not appreciate the fiance doing what your ex's did. But this is not an ideal world and in a divorce situation it is not about being fair to the children, or at least in my situation. I did everything I humanly could to get along with my ex but he was so angry at me that it was not about the kids to him, it was about getting at me through the kids. (Oh, I left because he beat me btw.) With the internet making the world so small these days, having your childs picture posted on facebook will be the least of your worries. Yes, you can seek legal help to stop it, but good luck. My sympathies go out to you, but really, get over it and try not to drive a wedge between you and your daughter because you don't like seeing your daughters pictures on your ex's fiance's facebook page.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:30PM
justaruthie said...This happened to me... and I'm the step-mom. The biological mom blasted me for posting pictures and a simple video up (even with protections). She said is was to "protect the children" but then slammed me for the content. I complied...
The kids now know and all see mom as the extremist. It sucks that kids are always the ones suffering in any of these discussions.
If "uncomfortable" means jealousy (which is probably the case), then as the others have posted, you need to deal with that... and you can. If it's about safety issues, please assume your ex's fiancee doesn't mean any harm.... Give her the benefit of the doubt and be respectful at all costs.
Again, your reaction affects your child, and everyone else.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:27PM
mike13rock said...you can take a picture of anybody you want to thats in a public place and post it to where ever you want to as long as it is not for profit. And thats by law. how do you think all the tabloids get away with it!!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:27PM
Kixagi said...the parents chose for their child to live 2 lives with 2 families. the mother is just stupid with a big hint of jealousy.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:33PM
olivia said...SHE CAN IF SHE WANTS TO IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!
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6-10-2010 @ 9:36PM
L.Borja said...If the father was OK with the picture posting there is nothing you can do except to remind him that child predators also visit these sites. And many can track down a child because so many people give out too much info about their life.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:38PM
Linda said...Your just being too strict. Its just a photo of your daughter being viewed on facebook by your ex fiance's friends, nobody else can see it cause there is some account settings on there that are only viewable by friends and family. I should know since I have myspace and facebook and only my friends and family can see it. I got photos of other young children in cosplay and the parents didnt have no problems of me taking the children picture. Your daughter is going to be seen in public, when she goes to school, library, grocery store, any vacations you go on and so forth. Would you rather have her wear a mask for the rest of her life like some of the popular celebrities did or have a sheltered life.
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