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Should My Ex's Fiancee Post Photos of My Daughter on Her Facebook?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Media, Single Parenting, Relationships, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
I am a newly divorced mom with custody of my child. My daughter rarely sees her dad, so she was happy to have shared the weekend with his new fiancée and her children. Following the weekend, his fiancée posted pictures of our daughter on her social networking site. This makes me very uncomfortable and I struggle with whether or not this is an issue that should be confronted. Should his future wife have the freedom to post pictures of my child on her social networking sites?
Signed,
Momma Bear
Dear Momma Bear,
You have raised a question that wouldn't have even existed a few short years ago. But nowadays, many parents share your concerns, as we all try to figure out how to safely navigate the world of the Internet that's so rapidly becoming part of our parenting lives.
Social networking has changed the way people make contact with old and new friends, creating complex challenges about what is and isn't appropriate, as matters of privacy get explored and debated.
I have a feeling our ParentDish readers will be divided on this issue, but my opinion is that without your express permission -- and depending on your daughter's age -- your former husband's fiancée shouldn't have added the photographs. It's safe to say that she meant no harm; lots of people post pictures of their children on their Facebook site as a way of offering a visual glimpse into their lives.
The problem is that there are many ways that information on networking sites gets passed around on the Internet, and frankly, I don't think parents exercise nearly enough caution in posting photos of their children.
I don't know whether your daughter's future stepmother has the legal right to upload pictures of her or not; I suspect this aspect of custody law is still a work in progress, as attorneys race to catch up with the many new issues that the Internet has created when it comes to parenting.
But I don't think it would be at all inappropriate to politely express your concerns to your former husband and his fiancée.
Before I go further, however, I should say this: If your concerns are relevant to protecting your daughter from being viewed by strangers -- I'm with you. If, however, you're simply uncomfortable having her future stepmother acknowledge her fiancee's daughter to her online friends, we're talking about a different issue. In that case, you are going to have to do the difficult work of coming to terms with this woman's presence in your child's life.
If you legitimately feel uneasy about the situation because you don't want your daughter's photos displayed online, begin by letting your former husband and his fiancee know that you understand that she might want to share pictures from their weekend together, but that you're not comfortable having your daughter's images on the web.
Explain some of your reasons, and make the request that the photos be removed, at least until you can all come to an agreement.
If worse comes to worse, I suppose you can consult your attorney and find out if the custody terms address this sort of problem. But ultimately, your daughter will best be served if you do all you can to untangle this in a friendly way with her father and future stepmom.
Best of luck!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 12)
6-10-2010 @ 9:41PM
Ana Lisette said...I think that she should be able to, as long as the photos are appropriate. But if you don't like them being online at all, I think that since you are the mother, you have a right to get them taken down.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:46PM
Raeann said...It only takes ONE creep online to make your life and/or your child's a living hell! I have personal experience... unfortunately.
If you wouldn't post your picture on a public bathroom wall, don't post it on Facebook, MySpace, etc. either.
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6-13-2010 @ 4:20PM
Cathrine said...I have a facebook because many of my family and friends live very far away and it is a great way to keep in touch. I have children of my own as well as future step children although I consider them my own as well. My family loves having the ease of getting on the computer and seeing my children grow. My profiles are all private so only my friends and family can see. I always have posted pics of ALL my children. Their grandparents love being able to get on and print out many of the pics. (Now on their refrigerators) I want to always protect my children and when done responsibly this can be a great tool. The future step-mom was probably just happy that they had a great weekend and was sharing the experience with family. It was probably a big step for the future of her new family. If there really is concern for the childs safety ask that a seperate private family account be made including only family members for contacts. Then the account can truely be used for family outtings pics and for family to be kept in the loop about the growth of the children.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:51PM
Dallen said...No child's picture should be posted Online., because they are likely to end up having their faces Photoshopped onto other children's bodies on Kiddie Porn websites. It is just common sense NOT to post children's pictures online.
Dallen
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6-10-2010 @ 9:50PM
ChillOut said...No offense, but you all need to relax. Yes there are child molestors etc..But your at risk with every step you take in your life. Yea you must be careful about what you post online, but it's not like was trying to expose the child to everybody, and there are procedures you can put up to have certin people see the pictures. But the child is apart of the the guy and his gf's life. She happy for it. Yes we all know photo's can be used for blackmail, but if you really are that badly paranoid and do not want your childs pictures up, just ask your ex or whomever to not post them up, if they do, give them a face to face confrontation. If the childs old enough to decided for his/her self, let him decide. Kids grow up sooner or later. But if your kid is within your ex's hand, then its up to them mostly, they have their own rights.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:54PM
selfish people said...When selfish people think only of themselves and not others, it leads to divorce while in the mean time not caring about the children's well being. Hello! That is what divorce is. And yes, having a parent in a different household with different values is what you choose when you choose not to stay together. If you choose to divorce, then think about the children. But don't you dare come to a public forum and cry like a baby because your child is being raised by someone else's moral values. I say stick it to in your ear. That is the cost of divorce on the child and to society. It is time parents saw it.
Choose wisely, treat kindly, and don't cry about the life you have chosen and the hurt you chose for your child by not doing so.
I for one am sick and tired of the attention being paid to people who choose divorce and forsake the kids while we as a society pay no attention to those who choose to tough it out for the benefit of the kids. The kids will not be OK regardless of what PHD stuffed shirt tells you otherwise. The only problem with her child's development is a pic on a website? Give me a break. She is just bitter that some other woman is playing mommy even though that is what she chose for her child in the first place by not choosing wisely and/or treating kindly.
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6-10-2010 @ 9:55PM
Bloodonstars said........
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6-10-2010 @ 9:56PM
Persephone8862 said...No way I would let my ex post pictures of our children on any social network. I am the primary caregiver. Now if his fiance posted pictures of my kids, oh yeah I contact the social network and have them pulled. Sounds like she wants that instant family image. I am sure she meant no harm, her lack of experience as a parent is taken into account. Most parents have a hard time with pre-teens-teens posting pictures on these networks.
Now if she had asked first that is another story. She did not. Shows the thought she is giving to the child's mother and the thought she will give to her in the future. Using the child as a pawn. Fiance already proven she only thinks about projecting a family image, not the safety of the child.
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6-10-2010 @ 10:06PM
skindy said..."Her lack of experience as a parent"? The article says the fiancee has children of her own!
"Shows the thought she is giving to the child's mother"? Why on earth should the fiancee be thinking primarily of the child's mother? Since when is this about the child's mother?
"I am the primary caregiver. Now if his fiance posted pictures of my kids, oh yeah I contact the social network and have them pulled. Sounds like she wants that instant family image." Geez Persephone, you sound insecure, jealous and possessive. And vindictive too.
6-12-2010 @ 9:12PM
ronniusa said...NO. YOu should have been consulted and she should NOT have done this without your permission. This is something you may want to make sure an attorney adds to any future visitation or custody agreement if he doesn't agree
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6-10-2010 @ 9:59PM
ag said...this mother is most probably pissed off at the new fiancee and her ex more than anything..........................PEOPLE SEND ME YOUR CORRUPT FAMILY COURT HORROR STORIES...........I am in SE FLORIDA AND WE HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS HERE THAT WE ARE TRYING TO EXPOSE.............PLEASE CONTACT ME agselman5 at that aol.com place.............please.......WE NEED TO EXPOSE THIS CORRUPTION...........OUR GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS , OUR NEWS MEDIA REFUSE TO FOLLOW UP ..............
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6-10-2010 @ 10:04PM
tom said...This just happened to me and my wife,
All you have to do is get the pics copywrited and then you can demand they come off or she will be arrested. The police will follow up on this one.
It is not very expensive (google it)
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6-10-2010 @ 10:22PM
Irish mist. said...All well and good, but who took the pictures, was the child on a legal visitation with teh father and thus the girl friend was there? Unless I am wrong, the pictures belong to the person that owns the camera and took the pictures.
6-14-2010 @ 7:45PM
Annette said...Choose your battles carefully...This may not be one you want to fight. I think they might be okay if you asked them to set the pictures to private or for family only, something like that. ASK, don't demand etc. You really do want to have the best relationship with these important people in your daughter's life. Thankfully, my parents dealt with their issues in private for about 15 years of divorce while we were kids.
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6-10-2010 @ 10:08PM
telcomman1 said...Only 1 in every 4 million children gets upducted. Stop being such worry warts. Of-course no-one wants their kid to be the "1" but, for crying out loud live your life and stop the scare tactics. Besides, if the liberal crybabies would stop letting 7 time felons back on the street (they can't be rehabilitated, their criminals) I'm willing to bet the number would go to 1 in 8 million.
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6-10-2010 @ 10:14PM
fanblade said...The child is his daughter as well.You sound like a neurotic control freak,no wonder your husband has happily moved on as your ex.You could probably play the role of Judith on two and a half men.
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6-10-2010 @ 10:15PM
Mei said...Sorry I think that mom is just on a control jag. The child was with her father on lawful visitation and had a good time with what appears to be moms replacement. While I don't agree with the picture postiing, it is not against any law that I know of and mom needs to figure out that she and the ex and whom ever he might marry or "keep company with" will be in each others lives and for the benefit of hte child they NEED to get along. If I were mom, I would in a calm manner expalin why I do not like the pictures being posted and request that it not be done again. What ever else she needs to stay calm and not scream and yell and demand. Life will be better for the child if the parents get along. I am mom, grandmom and an ex wife...
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6-10-2010 @ 10:14PM
Christina said...Try having your ex husbands new girlfriend post pictures of your kids sayings their hers!!!!! Made me crazy!!!
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6-02-2011 @ 2:16PM
Me said...I am a step-mom, and my husband recently posted a picture of my step-daughter as my daughter on my facebook page. The mom got mad, but my husband tried to make her realize that it was a shared facebook and it was him labeling the picture not me. Me and her ex-boyfriend have been together for over five years and if I did want to post a picture of my step-daughter I believe that I have every right. I do set all my settings to private. But I would have labeled the picture as my daughter also, not my step-daughter. I think it would hurt her feelings and I love her like my own. I am not saying I'm her mother or to call me mom, it is just not right to label anyone as step. I think you read to much into it and got right on the defensive for something you shouldn't have.
6-10-2010 @ 10:17PM
april said...I think the key word here is fiancee. The woman is not yet related to the child and should have never posted pictures without both parents permission. I was in the exact same situation and even though I reported it to myspace/facebook nothing was done. The woman is no longer in the picture as they're engagement was called off. I feel like until the woman is actually her stepmother she has no right to post pictures of the child. Even then it would still be more considerate to have permission from both parents.
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