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Should Your Family Share a Bed?
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In many cultures, co-sleeping is the norm. Credit: jupiterimages
And, for working parents, the family bed may provide a chance to spend extra time bonding with the children.
Proponents of the family bed point out that in most cultures around the world, cosleeping is the norm. They say studies show the benefits are myriad: Babies who sleep with their mothers will nurse more, have better immune systems from the increased breastfeeding, are more secure and develop stronger self-esteems. Bed sharing also helps the baby regulate his heart rate and temperature, and facilitates mother-child bonding, studies show.
But it's not without controversy.
The American Academy of Pediatrics cautions against sleeping with an infant in your bed because of the danger of accidental suffocation or death. And while the AAP doesn't discount the benefits of sleeping in proximity to a child, it holds that babies reap similar benefits if they are in a bassinet near the parents' bed, or are provided with other nearby but separate sleeping arrangements.
The statistics certainly indicate that cosleeping can be dangerous and even deadly, but family bed advocates say the numbers paint an inaccurate picture because they include babies who suffocated when a parent accidentally fell asleep in an easy chair or on a couch with them. These proponents counter that cosleeping is safe as long as parents are thoughtful and deliberate about a baby's sleeping environment, take care to remove hazardous objects such as thick duvets and fluffy pillows, and never sleep with a baby when impaired by alcohol or medication.
Once a child passes infancy, the family bed raises other issues. Tova Klein, director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development, says that while co-sleeping arrangements may make sense in other, more collectivist cultures, in our highly individualistic society co-sleeping may send a mixed message.
"As children get older in our culture, toddlers begin to separate," she says. "It can get confusing for a child sleeping with a parent at a time when they're supposed to be separating."
Claire Jones, a sleep specialist at parent coaching service Urban Nurture, echoes that.
"It helps them to be more independent when they are sleeping in their own beds," she says. "They're going to be going to school, they're going to be napping in the day, they need from an early age to be able to soothe themselves."
But Susan Goodwyn, emeritus professor of psychology and child development at Cal State University, Stanislaus, sees it differently. While we certainly are living in an individualistic culture, children who sleep with their parents feel more secure, she counters.
"When they're confident, they're able to wander out and learn more," she says. In her experience, children eventually decide for themselves when they feel ready to sleep in their own beds.
Related: Cosleeping: Is It Right for You?
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 20)
6-08-2010 @ 9:08PM
johnny said...My Uncle Paul says this is ok to do....yaaaaaay !
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6-08-2010 @ 8:57PM
bev said...Don't use the pathetic excuse for you lack of parenting by the fact your child can ride a horse. I started riding my horses when I was four years old. I entered and won many contests and guess what = I didn't have to sleep with my parents to do it. Stop making excuses for your laziness and lack of parenting skills.
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6-08-2010 @ 10:51PM
cdjblue said...Bev....why are you so judgemental. Also, why do you consider yourself an expert? You certainly don't articulate like one. Both of my children slept with me...they both turned out fine. I really think that it's cruel to put a baby in a room alone. I tried with my first child but I couldn't stand the idea of her being in a dark room alone. My opinion is that modern westernized society has some values that don't support families and some of the children that I observe are selfish brats and I don't think its because they slept with their parent. We have gotten into an ugly habit of equating "things" with love and now children carry themselves with a sense of entitlement, because we give them almost anything they ask for, but we're so busy working we don't have enough time for the.
6-21-2010 @ 3:08PM
chefsparklez said...Well, I don't doubt you ride horses. In fact I think you road in on that comment on a very "high horse". XD
6-22-2010 @ 10:09AM
Rob said...Lack of parenting, that is pretty funny, hmm, well is there a lesson that isn't being taught? Are safety or concern neglected? What is it that makes letting a child sleep in the bed with parents lazy or lack of parenting. Because the family sleeps in the same bed does that mean discipline, love, nurturing, educational development, fun, etc are neglected or not taught/ experienced throughout the day?
Occasionally I look on these boards and I often see people posting about how what other people do or how they choose to live is wrong, because it doesn't fit your personal choices. All in all they are personal choices, and because you don't agree doesn't make them wrong.
Who the hell do you think you are? You have no right or say in what other people do, your opinion is just that your opinion not based on anything other than what you believe. its a crock. your ignorance lets you believe you have the right to tell other people cause they live differently than you that they're wrong. The truth is it doesn't matter what you say.
My daughter slept in the family bed until she was 3 1/2 she's a happy, well adjusted, child who is smart and excels in her school. She was in preschool when she was 2, and though at night she slept in the family bed there were no problems with her taking a nap in school.
Its kind of funny how its accepted in just about every other culture but here its wrong and immoral. What's immoral is being so arrogant that you believe you can tell other people how to raise their children, and insult them for their personal choices. Not to mention I haven't heard you tell your experience on your parenting choices and how it worked for you.
6-08-2010 @ 9:04PM
BO said...Interesting comments. Sounds like some of you are getting awfully close to pedofillia.
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6-09-2010 @ 12:08PM
Alice said...Contact does not equal pedophilia. In these days of constant fear we forget that it's normal to have relationships with physical contact that isn't sexual. People need touch, and when they don't get it in a non-sexual manner, they tend to put too much importance on sex and rush into things.
6-08-2010 @ 9:07PM
Motherartist said...My hubby & I shared a giant bed tht took up the whole small bedroom--actually a series of single beds placed next to each other--until each child reached age 12 (we had 7 kids each 3 years apart)
we always maintained a separate bed in a separate room for just us. It worked I think...we are close but not too close.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:12PM
Fran said...Listen up there, Bev. First of all I said UNTIL meaning approaching 10. All along if they wanted to sleep elsewhere they could. Your approach to child rearing is as anal retentive as it gets, as is your reply. I pity your children who, hopefully, are blissfully unaware of what "could be, should be". It must be tough on them, building a relationship that will last lifelong with their cold, structured, & distant Task Mistress of a Mother. As for a ten year old sleeping with his family being "plain sick", what kind of pervert are you? Do YOU want to do "things" with your own children? Is that it? Is that why you're so angry? Or, did someone "do" something to you? Get some help. As for those out there in favor of the Nuptial Bed Only concept. That's Ok, too. But it gets alot more exciting when you have to "steal" the time or make it into a "romantic triste".
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6-08-2010 @ 9:19PM
phil said...i'll be 89 this year. I slept very well in my mother's bed until I started to school at age six. I think I turned out OK as a WW II survivor, a rocket scientist, a nuclear warhead delivery system engineer, a manned spacecraft and orbital laboratory engineer, a nuclear power engineer, and a nuclear weapons laboratory consultant.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:44PM
Andre said...Nice comment Phil. I believe there is a lot to be said about our culture as a whole. It is as inhumane as it gets. To be separated from a child at a hospital is considered norm. To be separated from a child in your house is norm. However, since when is norm...normal? I for one agree that it is only 'human' to sleep with a child until they are ready.
Oh did you know it is also norm to have circumcision? I bet you did...but research shows that regardless of the 'cleanliness' of such an act, it is not good for the boy in the long run, as it traumatizes and does much damage to his ...'G-d' given? tissue... hah, I gaffe at the christian/judaic calamity of which that has become. Now they want to ok circumcision for women in America... It is not off topic to say, that the norm, in all cases is anti normal- anti humane and unjust. Those of you who believe it is norm to do any of these things to our children ...I do not feel anything but pity for; as that obviously was done unto you. Be close to your children, and love them. Do not let doctors or nurses or 'experts' tell you not to.
6-08-2010 @ 9:23PM
Fran said...Bev, give it a rest, will you. You're insecurity & jealousy are astounding!
BTW Just where on a Horse is the Pastern?...quick don't Google it & what is and/or causes Foundering?. Where on the Horse does Founder set in? When & in which climate does it usually occur? How do you treat Thrush?....oh, so many questions, so little room.....which diagonal should you employ when the wall is to your left? Better, when do you employ diagonals & indirect flexation?....had enough or do you want more? Did it ever occur to you that it might be nice just to discuss matters without knee jerk reactions &angry attacks. You had better broaden your outlooks or you're in for a long & sorry life. That doesn't mean you have to agree with everyone & everything. It means you have to respect the opinions & beliefs of others. With that to all I bid Goodnight, Signing off to go play that game right here on aol, "Click Only Red". Addictive cyber bubble wrap!
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6-08-2010 @ 9:25PM
Sally Hiatt said...My 4 kids were always allowed to sleep with us right from the start, the bed looked like a log jam sometimes, however, as they got to about a year or more they gradually drifted in with a sibling or in thier own bed, and when they were teenagers and were feeling bad, they drifted back in and youd find them at the bottom of the bed or wherever the could worm a way in. I dont regret a minute of it. We always had a king size bed and there was pleanty of room. The kids have always been very close to us and still are.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:37PM
Suzanne Corrigan said...To Fran and Bev,
I think both of you need a time out right about now.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:47PM
Fran said...You know what? You are right! It's just that "Phil" gave me a pleasant jolt... cuz I really believe him. the generations just before us, & ours did those things, invented those things developed those things....we did it all....& I miss it.
Good night for sure
6-08-2010 @ 9:28PM
Fran said...Phil! Darlink! You're just plain mahvelus! You tell 'em! Where DO u live? How 'bout a little "Tea & Sympathy'? LOL.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:29PM
Mya said...Okay. The 10-year old comment is neither weird nor anything else. Everyone chooses to raise his or her kids the way they choose! If the kid is constantly going to mommy or daddy's bed, then whatever! The parents have to deal w/it some day, as mine did. I was a kid who ALWAYS wanted to sleep w/one or the other parent. My parents had seperate bedrooms/beds (and that's the way it was) and i could choose which parent to sleep w/that nite. If my mom stayed up and i got to stay up, too (watching tv or whatever) then i slept w/her as to not disturb my dad. Sometimes i just went to bed w/my dad and woke up w/him (me, my mom and dad would be up together to see daddy off to work). Whatever! Everyone's family is different. When i got to 10 years old, my dad told me that I had to stop sleeping w/him that I should sleep by myself. My mom concurred (I guess she was tired of me sleeping w/her, too). So, i stopped sleeping w/them both unless i was sick or something. Later, we downsized and my parents shared a queen-sized bed and one bedroom and if i got really sick, i'd sleep w/my mom and my dad would sleep in my (Twin-sized) bed until I got better. I was not allowed to sleep w/both parents. And there was nothing goofy or sexual going on at all. I was really bummed about not being able to sleep w/my dad or my mom, but that's the way they saw fit to deal w/it. Perhaps it should not have gone on so long, but it did.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:41PM
Tiffany said...My parents would only let me sleep in their room if I had a nightmare, or it was storming. It was rarely in the bed, I would make a pallet beside the bed. That way I knew someone was their, but I had my own space. By the age of 8 if I had a nightmare I felt secure enough to turn on a light grab an extra stuff animal or a doll read and go back to sleep without bothering anybody. I believe that made me more independt. I think a child constantly sleeping in the bed until the age of 10 & up is equal with having a 10 breastfeeding. Just plain weird.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:42PM
LadyJane said...I guess it kind of depends if you have no problem with your daughter waking up with her Father's Hard on pressed against her "back". As we all know, those things have a mind of their own! Kids should be in their own room unless you plan on making them dependent on you forever, which is wrong imo. They are not objects for you to control. Your job is to give them the tools and morals to go out in the world independently and follow their own dreams, think their own thoughts. We're guides, not directors.
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6-08-2010 @ 9:50PM
Fran said...OMG! That's a H O! He has to pee for crying out loud!
(it took me the first year to figure that out)
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