Getting Teens to Talk (Eww) About Sex

Very true. Children are full of questions on all topics, but this seems to be the one parents are afraid to answer. My oldest son came to me when he was 5 and in kindergarten and asked me "what is sex?" I thought I was going to choke to death on my drink! However, I regained my control and asked him where he had heard the word. Then I asked him what he thought it meant. That gave me the perfect starting ground for our conversation. Your answers have to be geared toward that child's level of comprehension, and you don't want to give too much information too fast, but you NEVER want to lie about any of it. It is much better to say "I am not sure how to answer that right now. Let's talk about it later on, so that I have time to get you the correct answer." It is amazing how well children will respond to your honesty. It works especially well if the child asks you a question like that in public!

i dont agree that a child should be taught about sex untill they are old enough to understand just what life is all about, and in fact if i had a daughter she would be told if she cared anything about her life just say no untill she was committed to a man that loved her and wanted to be her husband end of story ,

admittedly, i didnt read ur whole comment. but PRESCHOOL? thats rediculous! i mean no 4 year old should no about that stuff. remember the age of innocence? its called that because u dont know about sex drugs and alcohol yet. as far as im concerned the "avoid creepy vans and strangers with candy" approach works for me just fine.

Dumb advice. I have a friend that was very open and free about teaching their children. All kids turned out screwed up and one of them managed to get knocked up in high school and dropped out. Teaching kids about their bodies is one thing, sex education doesn't need to start until forth or sixth grade.

I am raising my 16yr old grandson , who just lost his virginity to a 15yr girl,,I am for the girl getting the shots at Planned Parenthood, and he and I will take her there, seems the Mother doesnt care , if so,,she doesnt show it, its very apparent they are sexually active,My grandson asked for Trojans,,First,I told him I didnt approve of them having sex out of wedlock,Second , too late now, so I told him , if he is man enough to need Trojans he is Man enough to take care of this situation,I will take them Both to Planned Parenthood,,,Question is,,Can the girl get those birthcontrol shots every 3 months without her Mothers consent,,Im very worried the girl will become pregnant,,My grandson is beginning to open up to me about the situation, and I want to steer him in the right direction,,,,Help

To hawk and john - preschool, yes. Not telling kids ALL about sex, because that is not age-appropriate. But at that age, kids are very curious about their own bodies. So you tell them the correct names of their body parts. You tell them which parts are private. You ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS honestly, on a preschool level. I just posted an answer to Jesica about a conversation with my daughter when she was 5. I answered her questions, and each question led to another one. It depends on the kid - some won't care. Some will need as much information as you can possibly give them. The point is to be honest and to set the stage for a safe and comfortable place for them to ask questions, early on, so that as they grow up and the questions become more specific and more complicated, you, the parent, are the first person they come to when they want information.

Jesica there is nothing to be afraid of in answering your child's questions about sex. Sex is a natural human activity and kids are curious. You may not have all the answers, but give yourself credit, you know more then what you think you know about sex. You have the capibabilty of answering her questions with little to no effort. Just remember to be open and honest with her and not to volunteer any information. Only answer her specific question(s) and tailor your answer so that it is age appropiate and understandable for her.

Jesica, your daughter is probably going to start menstruating earlier than you did (just 150 years ago, women didn't begin until they were that until they were at least 13). So if I were you, I would pull her aside on a Sunday night when she's one year younger than you were when you started menstruating and explain the "facts of life".
Yes, she's going to be scared and confused. But at least she'll know that she can talk with you about sex and not have to hide it. I'd rather my child ask me about sex than find out through experimentation.

The time will be here before you know it, trust me! My son went through puberty at age eleven, that is fifth grade! Shockingly, it seems to be the GIRLS that are hot and heavy about sex. A thirteen year old was propositioning my son for sex. I discovered this by reading his text messages and replies.Thank God he turned her down, although she was quite insistant! It is never too early to have that talk! I advise all parents to check their child's cell phones and computers regularly.

If parents don't talk to their kids at some point before they hit puberty, it won't be too late, but it will make the subject harder to talk about. I think you should start at a young enough age to where they understand. I learned about the differences between males and females when I was younger. I was also taught about sex and I looked at the subject this way, if I got a girl pregnant at a young age, I would of had more responsiblity than I could of handled.

Be ready becuase your "kid" might just tell you a little more than you know about that whole subject.

Susan, I am a little worried about the fact that you are advising parents to check their children's phone and e-mail. As a teen who really trusts her parents, I share practically everything with them. If I ever found out that they were checking my...anything, I don't think I would be able to share with them again.

My parents have gotten me to trust them by sharing things and trusting me. They ask me when they want to know something, and that's why I tell them. If you want to know something about your kid, TALK TO THEM. They may even want to share with you and not know how to start.

Susan, as you saw in your son's texts, he did the right thing. If you had asked him about it, he probably would have told you, and you could have shared with him how proud you are. Instead you have to hide the fact that you know.

Hannah,

If her son is 13, there's no way he's paying for "his" cellphone. Everything he has is mom and dad's by rights. They have every right to check on everything he does. He's a child. So are you. And the very fact that you appear to be offended at a parent parenting her child, shows the very reasons that parents must and should be doing things like checking text messages. There's an immaturity there that requires it.

@kchara,

So what you're saying is that teenagers should not expect any privacy or respect? By your own words since everything the teen owns was paid for by the parents they have no expectation of privacy, therefore a stay at home mom/dad who's partner pays for everything also has no expectation of privacy since the partner pays for their cellphone/internet access. That is, in my opinion, a very dangerous way to think.

Every person deserves a certain level of privacy and respect. The two are not mutually exclusive, to not give a person their privacy is a form of disrespect. I respect my son enough that i give him his privacy. I ask him about his day everyday, i ask him whats going on in his life, i tease him about liking a girl at school and every couple of weeks he lets another hint about who she is slip and laughs about it when i catch that hint. We have that relationship because i respect him enough to give him his privacy i do not just assume that because he is a child that he doesn't deserve that respect. You say that Hannah is immature because she expects that respect. I say that you're a control freak because you feel you/the parent have the right to do whatever you want just because the other party is a child.

You can also go to the library, there are a ton of books for kids on the subject. There is a book (blue for boys and pink for girls) called something like "all about my body". It is for the pre-teen/teen to read and has pictures of their changing bodies and goes through it ALL. I think it would be easier to talk to a daughter but I have a 14 yr old son!! I have explained to him a few years ago when he asked what sex was and then I got him the book (a few actually) and I saw him reading and skimming through them. I asked if he had any questions and told him if I did not know, I would find out the answer. He seemed good with that. It helped too that the books showed sketches of changes etc. that they can relate too. They were very helpful.

Jessica, answer exactly what she asks. Use the correct words, don't let her see that you are nervous. Don't let her grow up thinking she can't ask you questions because you'll get embarrassed or uncomfortable - be the best source of information, the one place she can come when she has questions. If you start that when she is tiny, you will grow into it as she does, and you'll set the stage for a lifetime of close conversations and safe haven for her curiosity.

Don't make up cutesy names for body parts, just use the anatomical terms. Then you can say "private parts" once she knows what those private parts are.

All kids are different. I have two daughters, and one started asking me very specific questions about sex at age 5. Not because "sex" was on her radar at all, but because she has a very analytical, scientific way of thinking. The conversation arose out of her asking what a friend's baby, due any day, was going look like. She wanted specifics. I said, well, he'll have brown skin and black hair like his brother. Why? Well, because C. and P. (P. is dad) both have brown skin and black hair, so their children will, too.

She thought a bit, and asked why it mattered what P. looked like. Welllll, because it takes a woman AND a man to make a baby.

How? Ummmm, well . . . because women have tiny eggs in their bodies that can grow into babies if a man gives them his sperm. That makes the egg grow.

How does he do that? Wellllll, grown-up bodies are made to fit together so they can make that happen. I'll explain more when you are a bit older.

No, tell me now. How does it work? I hemmed and hawed and tried to generalize and she kept asking very specific questions. She knew the different body parts - she's seen her dad get out of the shower and she'd seen her baby boy cousin in the bath, etc.

I explained it, sitting there in the dark on her bed with her, til she seemed satisfied. She thought it was "vewy weird." I agreed that it seemed that way, and that when she was a grown-up, it would all make more sense. And as she's grown up (now 15), we've continued to have very specific, anatomically-correct conversations. That is how her mind works. She is a teenager who now who alternately loves and hates me, but she still talks to me. She still asks questions. She's had boyfriends, and the last one involved a first kiss. I was probably not the first person she told, but she did tell me. She has little interest in any more than that - she is consumed with school and activities. So far, so good. But I continue paying attention and keeping the conversations going, because I know there are no guarantees.

My second daughter heard many of these conversations, so I sat down with her when she was 8 or so and covered the basics of girls growing up and sex because I didn't want her to be overhearing only parts of it and get confused. She couldn't have cared less. She is now 12, still a ways from puberty and at this point, prefers playing and pretending over the more mature activities revolving around boys. Boys are best on the soccer field, as far as she is concerned. Without her older sister's conversations and the school presentations, she probably still wouldn't have brought it up. They're very different.

It's hard to know - but it is your job as your daughter's mom to set the stage and make it comfortable. You'll have to practice. Make private conversation at bedtime a nightly ritual, sit with her for a few minutes after lights out and talk. About anything. When she starts asking questions, you can start answering there, so that if you blush, she'll never see it. :) Good luck - raising daughters is a joy beyond all measure!!!

@Amanda....
Did you mean that your daughter was in the delivery room or just at the hospital when your little one was born?