Getting Teens to Talk (Eww) About Sex

by Tom Henderson (Subscribe to Tom Henderson's posts)
Jun 14th 2010 6:00PM

Filed under: Sex, Expert Advice: Teens

Talk to your kids about sex, or risk having that guy in your life forever. Credit: Getty Images

"We're having meatloaf for dinner and oh, by the way, are you having unprotected sex with a variety of partners?"

Wrong!

There are effective ways to talk about sex with your teenage son or daughter. That's not one of them. Many teenagers, of course, don't like to talk to their parents about sex at all, and researchers say that's because some parents have the same light touch as an '80s hair band.

Christopher Daddis, an assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University, tells The New York Times parents can't just bring the subject up out of the blue.

"If you haven't been talking to your children about their daily lives all along, asking about sex isn't going to elicit any information," Daddis tells The Times.

Daddis led a study about why adolescents don't talk to their parents about sex. Previous studies have been limited, Daddis tells the newspaper, as they often ask just one question: "Do you tell your parents about dating?"

"Obviously there's a lot more that can be asked," Daddis tells The Times.

So, Daddis asked 222 Ohio teenagers a wide range of questions about their romantic lives and how much information they are comfortable sharing with their parents. He also asked how they perceived the consequences of kissing and telling.

The results of the study are published in the Journal of Adolescence in an article titled, "Dating and Disclosure: Adolescent Management of Information Regarding Romantic Involvement."

He tells The Times kids and parents inevitably clash over the former's amorous activities.

"Dating and romantic relationships are issues over which both adolescents and parents claim decision-making jurisdiction," he tells The Times. "It's not that teenagers are being selfish by not talking. They're actively trying to figure out what's their own business, and what Mom and Dad should know about."

Daddis found girls are chattier than boys, and both genders are more likely to talk to their mothers than their fathers. Still, he tells The Times, teenagers generally avoid the subject entirely.

Unless parents discover teens canoodling on the couch, he tells the paper, they probably will not have a clue what the mice are doing when the cat's away.

So what's a parent to do?

Susan Stiffelman, a family therapist in Southern California who writes the "Ask Advice Mama" column for ParentDish, says getting kids to talk about sex is a like a lot of things in parenting: We lead by example.

"In general, we teach our kids what they can and cannot talk to us about by our reactions," Stiffelman tells ParentDish.

When parents react like prissy old school marms whenever the subject of sex comes up, Stiffelman says, kids know parents are going to do more judging than listening.

"Kids are going to step back and take things underground," Stiffelman says.

Instead, Stiffelman suggests parents do what she calls "listening with a quiet mind."

Really hear what the teen is saying, she says. Don't use it to gather ammunition for the next rule you want to lay down.

"Avoid dramatic one-liners that impose black-and-white rules," Stiffelman suggests. "All the stuff we're talking about and want to know is in the gray areas."

For example, Stiffelman says, ask a daughter how she feels about a boy she is attracted to rather than tell her she cannot date until she's 16.

And, as Daddis says, Stiffelman agrees sex cannot simply be dropped into the conversation from out of nowhere. Parents need to have a constant conversation with their kids on all aspects of their lives, she says. Sex should be part of a seamless web.

But expect children not to communicate, Stiffelman says.

"Our kids are suspicious of us," she says. "The whole journey of adolescence is getting our voices out of their heads."

Talking to kids about sex -- or anything -- comes from building a long-term relationship and a history of casual, nonjudgmental sharing.

"You need to let your child know, 'I can handle the truth,' " Stiffelman says.

Related: Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 6)

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6-20-2010 @ 2:16AM

lisette said...

These comments may be a little late, but I think it is important that I say these things. I have read through all these comments, but those who I would like to reply to are Diane and sissa.

Diane, like you, I have the same passion against all that is evil and immoral. I, too, get angry when things that shouldn't be happening are happening. While I agree with your views and beliefs, I do not think that you presented all of your thoughts in the right way. I think you got carried away. It is true that homosexuality is wrong. The Lord tells us that He hates such activity (Lev. 18:22). All other forms of sexual activity, other than that of a man and a woman who are married to each other, are sins, and most of these sins were punishable by death (Lev. 20). It is also true that God's Word tells us that those who are evil, including the sexually immoral, will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.

We must remember, though that there are those who were sexually immoral who have, or may have been saved. Do you remember the story of the adulterous woman in John 8? Jesus forgave her of her sins, and He told her to sin no more. I am not sure if she was saved or not, but if I were her, my life would be changed forever. Do you also remember the story of the Samaritan woman who Jesus talked to in John 4? She had many husbands and was living with someone who was not her husband. She became a witness to her town. They were all saved that day. Jesus also spent time with and dined with "sinners," which probably included the sexually immoral. Jesus had compassion on those who were lost. God wants us all to be saved (1st Timothy 2:4), but unfortunately, not all of us will end up choosing the right path.
There are those who may have been sexually immoral in the past, but they may already have asked forgiveness and have been adopted into God's family, which makes them our brothers and sisters in Christ. They may have changed their ways, and we should encourage them. You and I, along with all of our other siblings in Christ, need to make Christianity attractive to the world. We need to love others as Jesus loved us. We are not perfect either; in fact, nobody is perfect. I have not always done the right things. I have never had sex, but I have not always had the right thoughts. We cannot change the past, but we can always to choose to learn from our mistakes and do what is right.

Sissa, I realize you may have read the beginning of this comment, and already know that your views and mine do not match, but please just continue reading. There are some things that you need to know, and you may not like hearing any of it.

I would like to say that I can understand what you are saying and sympathize with you to some point, but there are things that I cannot agree with. There are those I know who have chosen to live together before they got married. Whether they had sex or not, I have no idea and would rather not know. There are others I know who have had sex and have had children. Even though I do not agree with their actions because they were wrong, I give them points for not having an abortion because I believe life begins at the moment of conception. How can someone not love a child? Even if their parents do not love them, there is always someone who does. There are married couples (and by "married couples," I am referring to those who are husbands and wives) who cannot have children who would love to adopt. There are ways and programs for birth parents to choose the adoptive parents.

I can see, in some ways anyway, that you are a nice person; however, even nice people make the wrong choices or have the wrong thoughts, which may guide those choices.

As you have read before, I believe homosexuality is a sin. Marriage and sex were not created for two men or two women to enjoy. It is unnatural, and it is not right. It is also unnatural and wrong for one to have sex with any animal. (It is also wrong for a man to have sex with his mother, sister, aunt, daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter, or simply any girl or woman who is not his wife. The same goes for the woman: it is wrong for her to have sex with her father, brother, uncle, son, son-in-law, or simply, any man who is not her husband. Unfortunately for Oedipus, a character from a Greek tragedy, unknowingly killed his real father and then married his mother, according to the prophesy, and had children by her. This was wrong, and he found out about this years later. He felt ashamed, he gouged out his eyes, and I think he lived as an outsider the rest of his life. If a man and a woman aren't married, they shouldn't be having sex at all.) One just needs to look at (though not literally), or consider, the bodies of a man and a woman. They are different, and they were created with different purposes in mind. Marriage and sex were created for one man and one woman to enjoy. When God created Adam, He did not create a second Adam or a Steve--He created Eve.

Sex is a very complicated subject. When someone commits adultery, it is the hardest sin for all of us to forgive. It is a very deep and personal sin because when you do have sex before you are married, you sin against yourself and others.

It is true that sex is natural, but that does not mean it is right for anyone to have sex before he or she is married. I have been told, I have read and I believe that sex is best when you wait until after you are married. Outside of marriage between a man and a woman, sex is a dangerous game and a sin. It hurts others, but it hurts you more.

For those of you who are reading this and are thinking that I am crazy or being hurtful, that may be true, to some degree, but I am doing my best to tell you the truth. I may not be telling you my real name, but I am doing my best to tell of you the truth. The truth can hurt, especially if it is about yourself. It is true that I probably know none of you, and I may not know exactly how you are feeling because I can never really be you.

We have all made mistakes, and we cannot change what we did, but we can change ourselves, our attitudes and our deeds. If you have gone down the wrong path, you can choose the right path now. There is One who loves you and is waiting for you if you choose to accept Him. You may think you can never be forgiven or that you can never be pure again, but I say, you can be forgiven if you ask. I also say you can choose second purity. You can choose to wait until after you are married to have sex.

Please choose the right path. Wait until after you are married, as husband and wife, to have sex. It may be long and hard, but I bet it's worth the wait.

Thanks for reading.

6-20-2010 @ 6:08AM

David S. said...

Lisette --- keep in mind your point of view is in the minority in this country, and thankfully so. If you want to use the bible as your guide, then I guess you also approve of slavery and fathers selling their daughters into prostitution (in the Old Testament). As to any child being gay, most parents take a middle of the road approach to that. They don't disown them, as I am sure you would. This is the 21st century, Lisette, not the Middle Ages. By thge way, you seem a tad bit obsessed with the gay issue -- makes me wonder.

6-20-2010 @ 1:06PM

Mindy said...

And of course, Lisette, you are entitled to your gay-bashing opinions. As David pointed out, you are in the minority and your bigotry is nothing but a blight on the public, one more and more people see for what it is and join the fight to eradicate it.

Sad that you use Jesus' teachings to discriminate. I'm sorry for your children.

6-20-2010 @ 2:30AM

wow said...

That was by far the most ignorant comment I've read thus far and the biggest hint that you're obviously uneducated is your lack of spelling and basic grammar. Planned Parenthood does not even profit considering a lot, if not most, of their services are free. They offer an open environment for teens who are not comfortable talking with their parents about sex to get facts, testing, and advice. If it wasn't for Planned Parenthood you'd probably see way more parent teens than you do. You should thank them.

6-20-2010 @ 2:41AM

mwahaha said...

FOREWORD: LONG BUT WORTH READING
I am a 21 year old female and I find this topic very interesting. In my own household, sex is completely taboo. My mom even freaked out when I asked her if she had reached menopause. And I am completely guarded against bringing up or discussing anything sexual my parents.
Basically what I learned from my family is when my grandma gave me a book on the human body and its functions when I was very young. My parents are Christians and believe sex before marriage is wrong and expect me and my siblings to follow through with that. Well, since sex was never discussed, and because our household is broken with terrible relationships, no one could care less what our parents believe and the minimal amount they taught us. My 22 year old sister got pregnant accidentally with her boyfriend, whom she's now broken up with and left with a 1 year old baby girl. I'm not saying it's all our parents' fault this happened.

People have brains....which I've found they don't tend to use....which is the source of where your values come from. Values can be overridden, though, if you're lonely and in need of love or relationship. Girls all too often try to please the guys they're with so that they'll like them more, but unfortunately guys very much prefer using a girl for their own physical pleasure than respecting her as a person.
Obviously I'm not a guy so I have a limited viewpoint from that perspective...but I've spoken with guy friends and they have told me that they've tried to use sex as an outlet for romance, for connection and being loved/wanted.
People, though, can exercise a bit more self-control, when they know that having sex is not the best choice. They need know where to stop (how about before intercourse??) if a situation comes up and not just make excuses for their behavior...such aswhen they're like ohhhh the temptation was so strong! i just couldn't resist! i know it's bad for me but dayamm it was just so great!!
You're just living in the moment then, of artificial romance, and letting your (probably distorted) emotions override your brain.
We're humans, with a higher awareness than animals, and thus are capable of making rational decisions based on intellect, values and morality. (i'm not talking morality in the religious sense, but as in doing what's right for you and for other people)

As for my standing, I am still a virgin - - surprise!! I have engaged in other minor sexual acts though, that I wasn't very comfortable with. I suppose that is because I am passive and don't have much self-respect. I choose not to have sex, though, until I am in a very serious relationship or until marriage.
I believe that a practically everyone in their teenage years (or younger) will engage in some form of sexuality with another of the opposite sex...whether they go all the way with intercourse or not. That is normal, and not wrong, but it depends on the circumstance.

What is most important is that people reflect upon themselves and figure the consequences of their actions. I myself am sensitive and get easily hurt. It is important to determine a guy's stance on a relationship with me - even friendship - basically whether i am an end to his chase after sexual satisfaction or that he actually cares about the relationship he has with me.
I don't believe sex is just a game, all for fun. Dilbert's comment on this article really rang true to me. It's the relationships you have with people that count. Don't make sex out to be evil or taboo so that it is the focus. What really is the issue at hand is that people can end up heartbroken, people can end up becoming a dick, people can end up making terrible decisions that affect the rest of their lives because they don't know how to manage their relationships with people.
Yes, people get AIDS and STDs...that's bad....but what is that really, compared with emotional trauma?
Parents need to set a good example for their kids by being there, speaking with them about anything, especially things that matter, having a good relationship with them and not leaving them empty inside.
And, yes, educate kids about sexually transmitted diseases and the risks and consequences of becoming pregnant
Parents - - be involved with your kids' lives. Teach them to be good to themselves and to others. Teach them that the world is full of people who will try to use them in bad ways and to be on guard.

6-20-2010 @ 2:48AM

One more thing - - I don't see how people can have sex without involving their emotions....I mean you somehow get attached to the person, right? It's like a very intimate thing.
If you don't know the person that well or don't really care about them you sorta have to....fake it.
Am I wrong?

6-20-2010 @ 3:39AM

anita said...

ya know what MY mother never explained a darned thing to me i remember getting my first monthly and begging my grandmother to take me to the emergency room because i thought i was bleeding to death i mean i was really scared at the time too and SHE WAS MAD at the fact that my mother had never explained it to me just be open and honest have LOTS OF DISCUSSIONS about your values as a parent if the kids are young just give the info they ask for if the little one asks where do babies comefrom the answer mommy's tummy usually works make the answers age appropriate and the older they get step up the conversations because speaking for myself i would rather my kid get correct information from ME than misinformation from one of their friends

6-20-2010 @ 3:45AM

Tracey said...

I remember have dated someone nearing 17 years of age, and out of my own will, I was deathly afraid in having sex with my boyfriend at that time. ( I could just see it then, having an unwanted pregnancy-but thank God that never happened for me). My mother and father could never really share info with me about the 'birds and the bees', my mother used to tell me, go talk to your older sister, but I had to learn the 'trashy' ways of sex through my friends. This is the last place to learn about sex because half of them too do not know what they are doing (as several of them were strung out on drugs to begin with)!. I think people should be 'educated' about their bodies and exposed through illustrations etc,(it gets more advanced in College as for taking and educational course in Human sexuality) but most of the time, everyone really has to learn on their own when it comes to having SEX and what works and is good for them as a committed couple.

6-20-2010 @ 5:11AM

Anne said...

"Teaching kids about their bodies is one thing, sex education doesn't need to start until forth or sixth grade."
A sixth grader may find himself/herself in the position of making a decision or helping someone else make a decision about abortion. Depending on what state you live in, you may never be notified that your daughter, aided by her school counselor, has had an abortion. Please don't wait until sixth grade.

EmilyAva said...

My mom told me something when I was 13 and it stuck with me for life. In a lite way she said that sex is special and private and should only be shared with someone you intend yo marry. The best way to avoid it otherwise is with an Aspirin. I wrinkled my eyebrow and she went on to explain that I should always carry one around. Whenever sitting with a boy alone, reach into your pocketbook and take the Aspirin out. Place it on the inside of one knee, and hold it there with the other kneee. I knew that what she meant is that sex isn't for everyone to have at the wrong times

6-20-2010 @ 8:21AM

dave said...

This subject is only a problem in religiously conflicted countries, or say, in the middle east. We have a love to hate and hate to love it relationship with sex in general. kids know it. they have no trouble talking to each other, but would rather die than try it with their anally retentive parents. I cant blame them. We need to straighten our own act first and not pass our crap onto them.

6-20-2010 @ 9:25AM

Sally said...

The most important thing you can do is develop a relationship with your children that assures them that you love them unconditionally, don't be quick to rush to judgement or punish in anger and make it easy for them to trust you--knowing that you will always be there and on their side makes it possible to keep communication open. If kids feel threatened that what they ask or tell you will end up hurting them, they will close down. My kids are both grown now and we got through all this sticky stuff without any problems--I listened and told them what I knew or thought, they used the information wisely and came to me with concerns. Of course, I didn't impose ridiculous expectations either--like wait until you are out of college and married. Anyone who thinks they can impose on young adults what they can or cannot do with their bodies is fooling themselves--if the young person self imposes those ideas, fine. But I know people who have cut their 18 year olds off, destroyed their relationships, because they found out they were sexually active. Get a grip, people--it's normal human activity. If you want them to wait til marriage, prepare for them to want to marry at the first possible moment, and be divorced and probably have a kid, at 19.

6-20-2010 @ 10:48AM

John & Barbara Stair said...

WE ARE IN OUR LATE 70s AND OUR SON AND DAUGHTER ARE
EARLY 50s. WE NEVER HAD A DRUG OR ANY DISCIPLINE PROBLEM - NEVER!
TWO THINGS WE DID WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG:
1. WE READ THE NEWSPAPER ABOUT OTHER KIDS IN TROUBLE AND DISCUSSED THE REASONS.
2. WE GAVE THEM ALARM CLOCKS WHEN THEY STARTED SCHOOL AND TOLD THEM, "IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GET UP, GET DRESSED, AND HAVE A GOOD BREAKFAST BEFORE CATCHING THE BUS."
MY WIFE GETS MOST OF THE CREDIT FOR "RAISING" OUR
TWO "KIDS", AND TODAY, WE REALLY ENJOY DOING THINGS WITH THEM, LIKE DINNERS, VACATIONS, PLAYS & MOVIES ETC.
WE ARE STILL A FAMILY!

6-20-2010 @ 10:53AM

LisaK said...

The main reason to talk to your chldren about sex is to prevent diseases and unplanned pregnancy. Now a days diseases from sex can kill like HIV and some never go away like Herpes. So its very important for parents to swallow their pride and talk to the child about sex. Do it before they start dating and going out. Do it before they are at that age. Its easy to do, while watching TV just make little commits like "yeah and if she used a condom she'd not be pregnant or have some disease." Make little commits then when the big talk happens its easier for you and them. Teens think those diseases will never happen to them when they do. So parents need to tell them.

6-20-2010 @ 1:05PM

Paula, those are incredibly ignorant statements. As the mother of two beautiful daughters, I teach them to respect our president, to ask questions about everything, to be compassionate and empathetic to others, and to fight for good in the world. We have talked about sex since they were old enough to ask questions, and they are top students with good friends. Your bigotry is appalling. Michelle Obama has never said she eats chicken wings every night for dinner - and what on earth does any of that nonsense have to do with the article in question?

6-20-2010 @ 2:10PM

Dennis said...

My children are now adults with teenagers of their own to teach. When they were younger, I told them that notwithstanding arguments about morality, there were practical considerations: 1] there is no such thing as a menthod oif birth control that at the same time worked all of the time and didn't have undesirable effects, and 2] that sex before it was approppriate and its consequences could make therir lives excessivly complicated and that could interfere with other important goals. I reminded my daughters that if a boy wanted sex without first being married to her, that the likehood was that he didn't really love her but only wanted to use her for his own pleasure gratification. As both I and their mother raised them to have a good self-image, they on their own decided to exercise self control, have been sussceesul, and didn't get into, or get someone else into, "trouble."

6-20-2010 @ 4:18PM

gobluespartyon said...

Mindy see Paula's other post she was happy that her own grand daughter had abortion because it came from Obama type boy. I have seen her other post about Tiger Woods and stuff which she lied about and has no proof or facts backup her claims. Alice/Paula is a bigot and is idoit & moron. I would like to know where Michelle Obama ever said that she eats chicken wings everyday which I doubt she eats that everyday?

Parents need to talk to there kids about sex good touch bad touch when there young and unwanted questions even if you have to come up with the answer later just do the best you can. Don't put your head in the sand when I have kids I want them to come me about sex not from somewhere else where they will get the wrong info that may not be right better you than someone else.

6-20-2010 @ 4:47PM

Ah, thanks for the clarification. Paula is a bigot, which would explain why she thinks Obama is only the "so-called" president. He couldn't possibly have actually been elected by a majority of the voters, being brown and all.

And of course she thinks Michelle eats chicken wings every night. I'm sure she also believes she washes it down with watermelon. Undoubtedly it is that chicken wing diet that keeps her in such great physical condition.

I'm still trying to figure out how any of it has anything to do with the topic of this article, but I guess when you're a racist and a bigot, you feel compelled to spew your ugliness just any ol' place.

Gotta love free speech.

6-20-2010 @ 5:49PM

Amanda said...

Posted by Jessica:

"Did you mean that your daughter was in the delivery room or just at the hospital when your little one was born? "

To answer your question, my older daughter was actually in the birthing room when her little sister was born. Not only that, she was given the job of announcing whether the baby was a boy or a girl (we didn't want to find out in advance, feeling it was better and more of a surprise to wait until birth). She LOVED that job, and we have plenty of pictures of her with her little sister while the nurses were weighing, measuring, and bathing the baby. One of her favorites is the picture of her sitting by her new sister (who was in the warmer at the time) and her little sister is holding her finger and staring at her. The look on my older daughter's face...priceless.

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