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Help! My Sister's Wild Kids Are Coming to Visit!
Filed under: Relatives, Holidays, Siblings, Single Parenting, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My sister, a single mom, is coming to visit this summer for 10 days, and her children are really a handful. They have awful table manners, don't clean up after themselves, and monopolize every dinner conversation. I love my sister, but she lets her kids get away with everything, and it wears me out just thinking about them being here!
Signed,
Already Annoyed
Dear Already Annoyed,
Just because people are related doesn't mean they have the same parenting style, or that their children have similar temperaments. And with the baggage of old hurts and grievances that most of us drag around, it can be especially easy for a relative's behavior to get under our skin or rub us the wrong way.
One thing that defines a successful family is the ability to negotiate challenges in a way that preserves the love and affection between them. If you can discuss your concerns in advance with your sister without shaming, blaming or criticizing her parenting or her children, that would be ideal. In that scenario, the two of you could create house rules and give one another permission to remind each other's children if they cross the line.
However, she may not be receptive to this, in which case you have two choices:
The first would be to grin and bear it, keeping in mind that your sister isn't moving in, 10 days isn't forever, and, if nothing else, your children will learn the important lesson that different families sometimes have different rules.
The other option is to establish a few guidelines when your sister and her children arrive. Sit down and let the gang know how excited you are about their visit, and that you've set up some routines to make sure you all have fun. By letting everyone clearly know your expectations up front, there's a better chance they'll follow the game plan.
Be careful, however, not to show up with a foot-long list of rules and regulations; the information will go in one ear and out the other. Instead, figure out what your top three triggers are, and then say something like this:
"You all know how machines need oil to make them run smoothly? Families need "oil" too, so they can run well! While we're all staying together, this is what I have figured out will help me make sure we have a relaxing, enjoyable visit:
1. Everyone's responsible for clearing their own dishes from the table.
2. Each day, we'll spend 10 minutes before dinner tidying up the house.
3. At dinner, everyone gets a turn to talk, tell jokes, or share something about their day.
Does anyone have any questions?"
While your sister's kids still may slip up, hearing your rules in advance will let you refer to them (or "the oil") if they forget, which may produce some improvement. But regardless of how polite or cooperative they are -- or aren't -- don't let your nieces and nephews' behavior distract you from taking advantage of your time together, or rob you of what matters most: strengthening the bonds of family.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 9)
6-19-2010 @ 2:39AM
happy1 said...When parents bring out of control children they deserve to be told that the visit has been cut short. There are plenty of Motels for them and the expense is their problem. I have a wealthy sibling that have come to my house 3 times with the entire family and her slob of a husband. (once for a week, another for 4 days) They eat everything I have in the cupboards, The SLOB In-law and the kids take daily 1/2 hour each showers, use 2+ towels a day, stay up until 2-3AM, dont get up until 11 or noon, expect and demand food at their time schedule, never cook or clean, are LOUD, rude, dump their suitcases on the floor so other people are forced to trip over their clothes and cause damage to the furniture and house. The last time was the final visit. Do they know it was the final visit? NO, but another invitation has not and will NOT be extended. I have made it clear to other family members that THEY can invite these destructive jerks to THEIR homes but mine is OFF LIMITS to that sibling and the self centered arrogant slob lazy brother in law from hell ... And yes the rest of us still get together at my home and we are much happier without the disruptive rude bore in law and the abuse. The sister mentioned in the article is abusing her Sister and her family (or situation). She might love her Sister but its not her fault her sister decided to pop out babies without marriage (If there was a father he would/could watch them so the 2 sisters could have a nice visit sans the brats). Sister, Brother, etc. ABUSE is UNACCEPTABLE, and never invite an abuser into your home.
6-18-2010 @ 2:14PM
Brandyn "Nana" said...I don't know where you live but I would plan lots of outside activities while the kids are there. Parks, let them camp in the yard, picnics, etc. Your kids will enjoy the outdoors with their cousins and manners are not so important. Since Mom is a single parent can your husband get involved? Teach the kids to fish. It would help to know how many kids we are talking about. Your kids will have great memories of being with their cousins and you won't spend all your time gritting your teeth, hoping they get their feet off your coffee table.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:17PM
Mitch said...I have had this very same issue for years. My solution is no invitation. My brother's children have never seen my house nor have they been inside my house. I intend to wait until they come of age, maybe as young teens or adulthood until I revisit my solution.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:54PM
Bev said...I've had problems with my husbands daughter's children. They are very disrespectful. The parents allow their children to come into our home and jump on our furniture and rip the plastic off of our chairs. When their youngest hit their grandfather they didn't say anything to their youngest one that is so bad. When I tell the youngest not to jump on our furniture his daughter tells her father I have no right to say anything to her kid. Right now they don't come here anymore and it's fine with us. The youngest one has also hit me while under the table and like I said they don't do anything when their kid gets out of hand. Why would we want a kid like that at our house. I say if you can't respect us and what we have in our home then stay home.
6-18-2010 @ 3:36PM
Maleeta Enis said...So you are missing out of visiting with your brother and his family because you cannot be in charge in your own household? When they "grow up" they will only think of you as the grumpy uncle they never got to know. It is your house--you set the rules. Kids are kids, but they remember those who are kind to them when they are young--time is short--get to know your nephews and/or nieces now.
6-18-2010 @ 5:04PM
mike hylton said...it can even go further , i havent talked to my older brother for 2 yrs because of his daughters misbehaving son, his grandson was being a problem i set down the rules when they/ mother and son/ were visiting at my home, brother got mad because i set rules on his grandson, we fought ,they are no longer welcome here, kids are a pain in the assss, im glad mine are grown and gone
6-18-2010 @ 2:19PM
Christine said...Sometimes kids will listen to others when they won't listen to their parents. Put your foot down and just make them listen. It will be hard but be consistent. Also, helpful hint on the clearing dishes thing. Might be more expensive, but if it were me, I would use paper plates & napkins & plastic utensils and just throw it all away. It's only 10 days & it would make clean up way quicker & easier for everyone.
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6-25-2010 @ 9:13PM
Irish said...I agree Christine. Sometimes kids do behave better for others than their own parents. When my boys were young I'd go pick them up from an overnight visit with my mom and they acted like little animals, all the while my mom insisting they were angels for her. Now that I'm a grandma the same scene is played out. My grandchildren give me NO problems, but will carry on like a pack of wild dogs the minute Mom and Dad walk in.
Sometimes I think it is because of expectations. I expect them to behave and if they don't, they are punished accordingly. (NO, I do NOT beat them.) Also, when they are home they are a part of a big wheel - mom and dad working, homework, dinnertime, etc. Here, they are pretty much given all of my attention.
And I won't even get started on the ignorance of ADHD being an over used diagnosis to excuse poor parenting comment. I'm sure people who say that have never dealt with the heartache and challenges these children live with.
Irish
6-18-2010 @ 2:27PM
placedorders said...Treat them as if they were yours. I have seen my share of family and friends that know what the rules are at our house. Don't grit your teath. Speak up. "Hey! I don't care what you do at home. We don't do that here." Shape them. I have heard comments from parents to kids like, "You didn't act like that at Aunt ________'s house.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:35PM
anewland said...I have relatives just like this, and actually they dont come to visit me anymore, because the kids cry I am too strict, I am a single mom, my furniture cost me money (that I can not afford to spend again) so there for my children werent allowed to climb all over it.. nor will anyone elses, the same goes for other rules I had inforced with my own children , I run a child care from my home now for the past 5 years and the rules are set before the children join my household. no matter what the children are allowed to do at thier home, they know the rules are to be followed at mine... (causes alot of family not to visit, but the parents of my children in care are very please that I instill these rules,)
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6-18-2010 @ 2:34PM
Robert said...If after telling them your rules they still misbehave, Take a freshly oiled leather strap to their ass. It sounds like their mom is afraid to disciplin them at home. They must learn to wear red and march in a straight line.
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6-19-2010 @ 12:18AM
Alex said...To me it's your house it's your rules. If they're heathens feel free to let them know that's not how it works in your home. If she likes living in child induced chaos that's her issue, but you shouldn't have to just to spare her feelings. 10 days is a long time taking it day by day. Make them clean behind themselves, let them know they're not the center of the world. It can only help in the long run.
When I was younger and had sleep overs my mom wouldn't let anyone come back over who didn't have decent manners, and she absolutely meant that. Same went for family. Love them as she might, family who left a mess weren't invited back.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:39PM
What said...Just because people are related doesn't mean they have to put up with from eachother what they'd never tollerate from a non-relation. Something we parents have to remember is that we aren't raising children - we're raising adults. Single parenthood is one of the most difficult things a person can do, but letting your children mess up someone else's house - reguardless of whether they're a friend or relative - really is inexcusable. I do agree with laying down ground rules from the beginning. What might be even better is saying that the rules are going to change even before the family gets there, so the mother has time to tell her kids that this visit is going to be different from the ones in the past. Giving them time to hear these rules more than once will help them remember.
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6-18-2010 @ 8:33PM
JJA said...please go to school to learn how to spell correctly!!!!
6-18-2010 @ 2:40PM
Koz said...Hey stupid it is your house. You set the rules, if they don't want to follow them tell them to leave.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:40PM
heidi said...When children get out of hand it is the parents fault but if you have them over you just ato them and make them understand that the way they act is unacceptable. Children need someone to tell them what to do and not to do, they look for love and attention and they need it. My husband and I have five children 3 grown 2 teenagers and they have always been well behaved never a problem,great in school, great in college and have great jobs and beautiful homes.Children need diceipline but not abuse hitting is out of the question, there is no reason for it. I suggest she speaks to them and her sister and teach them all good behavior so it can change the situation at home and anywhere they go.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:45PM
Fran said...Wild are they now? Hey, it's YOUR house, and if she doesn't discipline them, then warn her ahead of time that you WILL. They need a smack along side of their heads, and every time they get out of hand take them outside in back and tie them to a chair. and squirt them with the hose. Nowdays everyone is afraid to discipline.. When my kid threatened to call the "welfare", I said "here's the phone, go for it." For those parents that "overdo" it, I would report them.
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6-18-2010 @ 2:48PM
Michelle said...Really, does "already annoyed" even have kids? Bad table manners, messy kids? This seems to describe most households that I'm familiar with. I guess I'm curious as to their ages and how many kids are involved and the degree of their "wildness". I'm a mom of 3 kids, all close in age. I'm consistent with trying to improve manners, teaching them to clean up after themselves and many other things all day long. Sometimes I think it is all in vain.
My advice is to give into some of the chaos and enjoy them. I personally think kids are messy by nature. As far as table manners....have a fabulous dessert prepared every night and make them earn it. They will learn quickly watching everyone else enjoying the yummy treat.
I can only imagine my kids faces and what would be going through their minds if someone had the "oiled" conversation with them. haha! Make a FEW rules and put it on a sign/poster board and have a list of of consequences if the rules are broken. Don't forget to reward good behavior with a smile/hug/praise. Do not, I repeat do not go into a lengthy analogy about families needing oil. Tell it to them like it is, without sugarcoating it.
The single mom is probably exhausted, help her out and don't make her feel terrible about her kids. Most likely this is her only vacation.
I agree with the person who basically said, if you can't handle them don't invite them.
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6-18-2010 @ 3:40PM
Mitch said...This is simple.....tell them they're not invited until they have control of their children. 'Nuff said.
6-18-2010 @ 8:32PM
jjs said...opinions are like asses... everybody has one