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Help! I Lost Our Home and I'm Feeling Overwhelmed!
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Work Life, Resources, Single Parenting, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
How do you keep the upper hand when you are a single parent raising three kids in today's economy? I lost my house and we had to move back in with my parents (that is an entirely different issue), but I sometimes feel like I am losing at every turn. I work full time, and then only see my kids for two or three hours before bedtime. After that, I have to figure out cleaning, laundry and relaxing. Everyone says it should be easy, but it isn't. Any suggestions? Thank you!
Signed,
Hard Times
Dear Hard Times,
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your house, and have had to navigate the many challenges that have come with that. You -- and many parents in your difficult situation -- have had to stretch well beyond what you probably imagined when you started your family. Pat yourself on the back for taking care of yourself and your children in the midst of such difficult times.
A mother's work is never done. There are always clothes to wash, meals to make and messes to clean up. Add to that a child's endless need for help with homework, friends and siblings, and it's clear that any parent who thinks they can do it all is dreaming.
Whoever told you it should be easy had no idea of the demands in your daily life. It's tough to relax when you feel bombarded by an endless list of things you should do. But you will be better able to get the upper hand if you focus your energy where you get the greatest payoff: staying connected with your children, taking care of yourself, and doing those things that are essential at a pace that's realistic.
Write down all the chores that need to happen each day and see where you can involve the children in helping out, or perhaps barter certain tasks (like carpooling) with other parents. Prioritize your evenings to include time to have fun with your family, without every interaction being about checking something off your to do list.
Most of all, focus on what's going well in your lives right now so you can feel a sense of accomplishment, instead of constantly feeling weighted down by what you didn't get done.
External circumstances don't have to determine your sense of well-being. Remember the saying, "When Mom's happy, everybody's happy?" Ease up on the demands and expectations you've imposed on yourself, and enjoy the sweet moments of your life, as it is, while taking baby steps toward creating a better life for all of you.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
6-22-2010 @ 10:13AM
joeobryan said...I wish me and my family had a placey we could fall back onafter we are forclosed on. In my case we have been put in the same postion due to the economy, outsourcing and the dysfunctional court systems. I have written a book due to these problems. My book is a true life account of what I had to go through during my divorce. By writing this book I hope that through my honest (often funny) insights, it will help other fathers understand what they may encounter when going through a divorce or the end of a relationship involving children. I have enclosed tips that will help them anticipate situations that may occur when going through a divorce that will hopefully help them be as prepared as possible for what is facing them. Look for Stupid Guy in the Midwest on facebook.
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7-01-2010 @ 9:57AM
Angiebaby said...Dear Hard Times, Something in your story doesn't add up, like 1+1=2 1/2! Before you lost your house, you were a single parent with 3 kids, working full-time, paying the rent, carrying the full financial load and everything else THEN. But now your life is WORSE because you don't have to pay a mortgage or rental fees, you have no utility bills, someone else cooks for the children, you can save money for an apartment or house and all you have to do is a little cleaning, your family's laundry and spend some time with your kids? Hmmm. Sounds more like 1+1= 283! I hope the real problem is not that you're all stove up because you ain't got no man!
Now, how old are your kids? If they are at least potty trained, they can be taught, and should be, I might add, to pick up and put up what they drag out. If they are much older, they can learn to pick up a bit before you get home. If they are 10 or older, they can do laundry. OR, you can have a "chores" night. Take, say, Thursday nights, and when you get home, the whole family works to clean your part of the house and get the laundry done. Just because you live with your parents doesn't mean your children should not be leaning to be responsible for themselves and kick in to do family chores! And for heaven's sake, get on some birth control.
It may be impossible to have alot of "me" time for you, so break it down into minutes. Get up a half-hour earlier just to have coffee and read the newspaper in peace! Make Tueday and Thursday "spa nights" where after the kids are down, now more work! Light a few candles, grab a glass of wine, run a big tub of water and escape! When the days are longer, take the kids to the park and rest on the bench while they play! And finally, be grateful your parents took you all in. It may be hard and there may be age-old family issues, but when your back was to the wall, they opened up their home to you and yours. If you could stop stomping your foot and petulantly whining "me-me-me" for a few minutes, you might think about where you would be without their support.
This is the difference between today's adults and those of many generations past. The old attitude was "You do what you have to do, making the best of a bad situation because you got yourself into this and it's your job to get yourself out of it." The new attitude is "Somebody get me out of this! Make it easier or make it go away!" In just about everything in life, you have to pay your dues to reap the benefits. You are paying your dues, which is NEVER, EVER, easy and it sure as hell ain't fun, but the time will come when you will one day wake up and find that you have the inner strength to handle all kinds of adversities, thanks to the coping skills and flexibility you must learn now.
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